50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Five

*Note: Luigi will be playing the role of Christian this time in honor of Movember.  And also because he has a creepy ass stare.

Okay, so first the answer to our True / False questions.  5A: Mostly True – she’s tied with Christian for worst character ever.  5B: True – this book has definitely caused brain damage.  5C: False – No, James isn’t planning to write a youth novel (as far as I know).  But she might put out a fourth book!  And there’s already a 50 Shades classical soundtrack out – available on Amazon!    Because I know when I hear Canon in D, I always think about kinky sex play.  Anyway, fans are clamoring for it!  Why?  Whyyyyy???.  Expect a rain of frogs soon.  Frowny faces all around.

As chapter, fuck, chapter five opens, Ana has a freak out because Christian’s not in bed (AnaFail). Nope he’s just sitting in a chair staring at her while she talks in her sleep about absolutely nothing, just like she does when she’s awake.  This is not weird at all.  I often watch my husband sleep, snoring away all romantically.  And it’s certainly not weird for Christian, since he’s a vampire, um, psycho businessman (RedFlag)

Yup, not creepy at all.

Ana recalls how devastated and empty and hollow and in PAIN she was, because for about five minutes, she thought Christian was killed in Charlie Tango, his stupidly named helicopter. (AnaFail)  Those were the best five minutes of that book for me.  Christian tells Ana not to worry, he’s handling it.  Wow, I’d feel secure.  I mean, he totally handled that Leila thing – wait, Leila almost blew Ana’s brains out (darn the luck, almost).(RedFlag).  But hey, there was the Jack rapist bit – wait, he just called a cab instead of arresting the creep and then yelled at Ana for letting herself nearly get raped. (RedFlag). So, yeah, great record so far(FacePalm).

Ana reflects that she’s had a blissful honeymoon (AnaFail, WTF) with just a few ups and downs, but that’s normal for newlyweds, right? (FacePalm)   No.  No, moron, it’s not normal for your new husband to chain you up and leave bruises on you.(RedFlag)  You.  Moron.  Shut up.  Please.  Just. Shut. Up. (AnaFail) 

This is not your average honeymoon, Ana.

Mr. and Mrs. Psycho go for a ride on the Jet Ski and Ana says “Fair point, well made, Mr. Grey” and I’ve come up with a new deduction for the stupid, repeated phrases.  The (AliceScreams) deduction.  Ten points off for these.  I. hate. them. so. much.  Shockingly, Ana mistakes the throttle for the break and flies off into the ocean (AnaFail). It turns out badly.  She lives.

They ride home on the plane, first class, which is still soooo tiring for Ana (AnaFail).  Christian talks about having a security aid’s balls on a platter.  He’s said this before.  I think he’s a wee bit too focused on balls, but maybe that’s just me.  Christian has to carry Ana across the threshold so he has the brilliant idea to carry her all the way to the 40th floor.  Look, idiot, “across the threshold” means carrying her through the door.  That’s it.  Idiot. (FacePalm)  Anyway, to add to the idiocy, Christian comments that Ana has gained weight, which is a brilliant thing to say to an anorexic, especially when you’re so obsessed with her clearing her plate.(RedFlag, FacePalm)


Way to go, Christian.

Ana is miffed about this, but then Christian says she gained back the weight since she left him, and a tear falls from my eye, wait that’s snot from my nose, whatevs, and Ana is distracted by his fake anguish. (RedFlag)  But you know that’s not going to last.  We’re going to hear about this shit for a while, I can almost promise you.(AnaFail)

They have sex (Sexy Times) but fortunately we aren’t shown the entire scene.  Ana says she can’t sleep, but Christian has the cure, and we all know what that is (SexyTimes) but once again, we’re spared.  I can’t believe my luck.  She asks if she can drive his car and he says sure as long as she doesn’t dent it because then he’ll torture her in the Red Room o’ Pain so in other words, don’t fucking drive his car, Ana. (RedFlag) They get to his stupid parent’s  house, and there’s a cook-out, and Ana, surprise, gets jealous over the realtor because she’s pretty (AnaFail) and wonders why Christian didn’t consult her on plans (AnaFail).  Gee, I don’t know, Ana.  Maybe cause he owns you, and you don’t ask your table for advice?

True, Christian, True.

They eat, well, except Ana, who, shock, is still concerned about the “fat” comment. (AnaFail)  Christian threatens to spank her if she doesn’t get happy, and wow, threats of getting beaten certainly cheer me up!  Good plan there. (RedFlag) Christian plays the piano and sings, and everyone is all moved and shit cause he hasn’t sung before, and all I can picture is that Peanuts kid on his toy piano.  Who fucking cares?  (BoredNow)

Christian gives Ana the keys to his car, but warns her not to bend it (the car?  the keys?) or he will be “fucking pissed”. (RedFlag) Oh, those romantic threats.  She starts speeding and Christian threatens punishment again and I’m too tired to redflag him at this point.  Another call on the Elmo phone and ‘eh, oh’, they are being followed!  I’m so worried. (BoredNow) Ana worries this person might be after Christipoo! (AnaFail)  We can only hope!  Ana freaks and asks how they know they’re being followed and guess why can you guess?  It’s because the Dodge, yup it’s a Dodge following them, has false license plates.  Just . . . what? (WTF)

This car chase is super intense!

So Ana speeds along, and the Dodge follows, and the security team follows the Dodge, or something, I forget because this makes no fucking sense (BoredNow, WTF) and during this high speed chase Ana reflects on stuff like Sawyer’s first name (who cares?) and whether she’ll get a speeding ticket and whether she’ll look like an asshole (always) and they keep fucking chattering and why won’t they shut up it’s a car chase and finally they turn into a parking garage which totally fools the Dodge which keeps going, proving that life really does work just like in cartoons (WTF).

Christian gives Ana a smiley sticker for her driving and it’s her “undoing” (AliceScreams) and she sobs and they still aren’t really safe cause the security team is still doing their freaking job, but hey Ana wants to do it in the car. (WTF, AnaFail, Sexy Times). And Ana thinks “this is so hot!” and Alice thinks “this is so stupid!” and they finally get back on the road and they find out the subject is female, whoop-te-do, and they finally get home but oh no there’s another guy there who dares to glance at Ana and Christipoo is pissed cause how dare someone make conversation and they get to their room and Ana says that after the car chase and the car sex she really wants rough sex (WTF) and Christian agrees.  End chapter!

Final Score: 100 – (37 * 2) = 26 – (2 * 10) = 6

This is starting to get a little repetitive, isn’t it? Maybe James needs tutoring.

Crap – always when you don’t have a pencil, right?

Question Five (Fill in the Blank!)

5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.

5B: Christian gives Ana a present.  It is a  ________.

5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.

Good luck!  Remember, if you fail, you might be held back and have to read 50 Shades of Crap and write a book report.  You really don’t want that.  No pressure.

25 responses

  1. 5A: vat of crisco
    5B: Fat Magnet™: As seen on TV
    5C: crisco-encrusted vaginal balls

    I know these are all wrong, but I believe they are better choice than the reality.

    1. As do I. Ana covered in Crisco would be great. Then Christian could sit her out in the sun to bake and she would never take off her top again!

      Also I am now compelled to look up the Fat Magnet™ as seen on TV.

  2. 5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a _hamster__.

    5B: Christian gives Ana a present. It is a ____golden vaginal ball____.

    5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the __million dildos (or is it dildoes??)__.

    1. Poor hamster. And the golden vaginal ball reminds me of that fairy tale where the girl is playing w/ her golden vaginal ball but she drops it in the water and a frog (named Christian) returns it and offers to insert it for her. It’s in Grimmer Than Hell Fairy Tales.

  3. 5A – and a blow up doll named Sven with spikes protruding everywhere.
    5B – it is a big wooden paddle, one with holes in to do whatever the holes are there for, I don’t know but I’m sure you like details in these answers.
    5C – …about cleaning the vomit up that all decent people who read the books shes in emit copiously.

    1. Sven has possibilities – I can see Christian getting jealous and having a fight to the death. There are so many things they could use the hole for – I’ll leave it at that. I like the idea of her having to clean up after herself.

  4. “5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a” _chipmunk_.

    I hope there is no correlation between reading these books and damaging one’s cerebral neurons. Otherwise things aren’t looking good for your brain… 😉

    1. But the answers to the questions are – the chipmunk can join the hamster in a vat of Crisco. Ana’s just like Snow White – attracting all that animal life!

      1. Oh, good. Bestiality. Just what that book needs.

  5. 5A. A rattlesnake
    5B. Slave girl uniform
    5C. Elmo phone she thought was sooo hot

    1. Ooh, I like the rattlesnake. He could have two and call them nipple clamps. And she should have a uniform – it could be a steel bikini like Princess Leia had – Christian could then be Jabba the Hut. I’m not sure if Christian could give up Elmo phone – he might have a breakdown.

  6. 5A. A rattlesnake – I second that one!
    5B. A ball of yarn ??? – Christian will think of something
    5C. pillows – you know because of all her drool

    Only read the first. Alice, you’re too much!

    1. I’m sure Ana could get endless hours of enjoyment out of the ball of yarn, especially if he tied it up in knots first – or tied her up in knots in it. And he would save the pillows, stick them in his face and go MINE! You smell so good Ana!

  7. A. Kitten
    B. Kitten
    C. Kitty litter.

    1. Poor kitten. I have a feeling I’m going to go through a lot of these during this book. Anyone know of a good kitty mill?

  8. 5A: Luigi (I mean, he’s on the page so much, I feel like he needed to be included one more time. Especially because he just makes the scenes)
    5B: a brain
    5C: plate? (I mean, maybe she finally grows a backbone and decides to eat whatever the hell she wants to! Well – here’s hoping for a little backbone power anyway…)

    1. Ah Mah-rio! You would not belieeve what I did!

      I think a brain would be awesome, but what sub would Christian pull it out of? Hmm.

      Ana is the proud owner of the magically vanishing backbone – there one second, gone the next. Ah, the power of Sexy Times.

  9. A: security guard
    B: Feed bag, so she can graze constantly
    C: Piano

    1. I feel for Taylor – let’s hope it’s not him stuck in that . . . situation. The feed bag is an excellent idea. It would also allow him to ride her while she ate. And someone should clean that piano. Yuuuck.

  10. a) buttplug
    b) buttplug
    c) buttplug
    coz it couldn’t be anything else

    1. We may have a winner. Stay tuned. If you dare . . .

  11. Why am I tempted to say “20 inch dildo” in reply to all three questions? I suspect it’s because it’s just that predictable…

    1. Because it would fit perfectly. Um, in Ana anyway.

      1. Yes. And she’d probably now be able to take a 10-inch-wide butt plug. My apologies for the mental picture there.

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