50 Shades Flunked Contest Update

It’s time for report cards, kiddies!  Nooooo hiding them from your parents!

Fortunately for you, Alice is lazy and doesn’t care about grading – basically like your average college professor.  My grad assistant Sad Pony threatened horse-i-cide again if I made him even think about 50 Shades, which is such a pain.  I tried to get Squirrel to take his place but he’s not very reliable, always playing with his nuts.*

Hey, you said that was between us, Alice.

*True Story: I had a teacher in 5th grade who had a squirrel pic on the wall and a phone connected to nothing.  If someone acted up, she would “call” the “squirrel” and say “Southwestern Squirrel, trouble on table 5.”   Even at 10, we thought she was insane.  Don’t let your babies grow up to be teachers.  It’s too dangerous.

Okay, PSA done.  Since Alice is lazy and has unreliable grad students, she consents to being bribed for good grades.  With comments on her blog – get your head out of the gutter (unless you’re hot, then call me, maybe?).  She doesn’t really care if you get the answers right or not, it’s ye old participation that counts!

You might notice that we have some new students that joined our class since the last update!  I’d force these students to stand up and everyone else to say “Hi, so and so” just like they do in real classrooms and AA meetings, but I’m tired.

So without further ado, here is our class roll, ranked by number of comments on each post (there are six posts so far including the first update and our introduction to the contest – I have not yet added in yesterday’s comments) – which I counted all by myself.  So probably you guys might want to recount.

Math is hard

If I didn’t give you enough, tell me.  If I gave you too much, shut up.  Did you learn nothing from high school?

Everyone look alive out there.

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 4 + 1 + 5 + 1 + 2 + 1 = 14

faithhopechocolate 4 + 2 + 7 = 13

Carrie Rubin 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 +2  +2 = 9

Ravinj 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 7

Speaker7 1+1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 6

MissFourEyes 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 =6

Lesbiannextdoor 1+ 1 + 2 +1 = 5

Angel Fractured 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 5

Ruby Tuesday 1 + 2 + 1 = 4

Love and Lunchmeat 2 + 1 = 3

Womanmdsguide 1 + 1 = 2

Giggles McGill Jill 2

Lovelifelaundry 1

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

Jemmy 1

Jen and Tonic 1

prttypnk 1
Okay, as you can clearly see, Stork Hunter is our current valedictorian, and faithhopechocolate our salutatorian.  Now THAT is something you want on a transcript.  Some of you people have been skipping class a lot.  Tsk tsk.  But it’s not too late to bring your grade up!   From now on Alice is adding points with each post instead of doing several at once because her math skills . . .

Shut up, Barbie.

Anyhoo, so that’s our class rank for now.  Remember it’s also quality that counts!  Sure you could just write “comment” on a post, and that would be pretty funny actually but wait . . . no, a creative comment that makes me laugh or puke or has some sort of effect on me could add on to your final score.   And I’ll probably have a blog post featuring my favorite comments, cause I have to come up with a post for every day this month.   So keep them coming!

New students are welcome to join my mythical class at any time, and there is plenty of time for everyone to achieve high scores because there are a lot of chapters left  . . . holy shit I’m in trouble.

Till next time, this is Professor Alice signing off.

37 responses

  1. I’d like to bring my grades up please. I’m pretty hot so can I give you a call?
    Fair warning, I’m growing a mustache in honor of Movember. And I quit shaving my legs too (not for Movember, but just because)
    But still pretty darn hot. Whatdya say?

    Wait, you don’t have a problem with warts do you? Some people find them very hot.

    1. Tempting! But Sad Pony would be even sadder if I did. He read your post and told me, “I am now almost sure that I might possibly think about smiling if Miss Four Eyes called me. Especially now that I know we are both hairy. Warts are hot too – do you mind hooves?”

      1. *fanning self* Hooves?! And you’d smile for me? Oh, Sad Pony, you make me want to dump Squirrel!

    2. Sad Pony is now tempted to step on Squirrel’s nuts.

  2. Fair point well made, Miss Alice. Holy cow, this is a good comment. Do you see how I’m borrowing heavily from the course material. It shows that I’m a good student. I’m so not fifty shades of fucked up.

    1. Comments that make me scream are definitely holy crap worthy. We aim to please, here. Being fifty shades of fucked up might actually be a prerequisite for this course, though. Laters.

  3. I’m sorry I’ve missed this contest, looks like fun, read the previous 2 entries, I was a little lost with yesterday’s entry so I had to go back.
    I’ll enter the next one.

    1. Doggy, you’re already in (if you want)! All you have to do is leave a comment, which you did. Honestly, it doesn’t matter where you start with these books. Each chapter is a complete mess so you’re as caught up as the rest of us. 😀

  4. Help me, the dinosaurs are hunting for fossils.Snort has a fever, and I’m so sick of Torts that if fifty shades was sitting here, i might read it just for a break.

    1. Wow, you do need help. Poor Snort – and Mommy. I’m glad I don’t have to know what Torts are. I’ll pretend they are a dessert.

  5. Torts are when people sue each other and it’s not over a contract.

    1. Though come to think of it, torts are also desserts.which are lawsuit claims far less often than negligence torts, therefore not taught in law school.
      I’d say maybe I should have gone to culinary school, but it’s just as expensive and the work is harder.

      1. I like the torts as desserts idea. Legalese is as bad as Math. I’m surprised there’s not a Barbie that says that. Torts are hard!

        1. The sad thing is, there has for some time been a push for plain English in legal writing–mimimizing use of terms of art and antiquated language. Sometimes it helps, but only sometimes.

  6. I’m still trying to figure out how I landed in this contest, considering I know nothing about the 50 Shades books. But you have been educating me, although apparently only enough for me to achieve third place… 😉

    1. I don’t know anything about 50 Shades either and I’ve been reading them for a while. At least I try not to know.

  7. Dear Mrs. Alice,

    Besides being my favorite blogger ever, you are super pretty, smart, funny, and creative. Your pumpkin with the mustache was the highlight of my (sad little) life. Also, you don’t look a day over 26.

    With lot of love and (ass) kisses,
    L & L

    1. L & L,
      Somebody knows how to suck up to the teacher! I see you going far in this class, L & L. And really, ass kissing is so appropriate in regards to this class.

  8. Tie me up and spank me … I’m winning. I’m only a tiny bit worried that I’m winning at 50 Shades, but … yay, I’m all tingly in my “down there.”

    1. Graduating from Alice’s 50 Shades of Torture Academy is a great feather in your cap! Or buttplug in your . . . nevermind. Now I’m just wondering what to hand out as diplomas. Oh, the possibilities.

      1. Buttplugs tied with whips? Tiny little exploding Charlie Tangos with mini Ana and Christian’s inside? A certificate titled “fair point well made”?

        1. It can be all of those and more. I especially like the tiny exploding Charlie Tangos w/ mini Ana and Christians. Maybe they could make a toy of that as a movie tie-in.

  9. If I slip you 50 (shades of) Dollars, will my ranking go up?

    1. I don’t think Zombie Jesus would approve of these books.

  10. Damn, I need extra credit. Comments that make you puke you said? Here goes:

    Ana Steele is my hero. I want to be her now. I don’t want to wait ’til I grow up! =D

    1. (also, sidenote: I had a teacher in high school that used to make people go out and “tell their problems to the trees” when they were causing trouble. Teachers are weird…)

      1. “Hey, tree, my teacher’s a wacko.” That it was a high school teacher makes it even better. I can see the eye rolls from here.

    2. Definitely a puke worthy comment! The best thing is that you don’t have to wait to grow up to be Ana, since she’s as mature as a fifth grader. You might want to get rid of some of those brain cells and all that silly self respect, though.

      1. Hmm… I think more alcohol needs to be drank!

  11. I have now read the first two pages of book two… I was in the Oxfam Book Shop in Durham on Wednesday and they had two copies of book two and two copies of book three in there. No way would I spend any money on this, especially after having read the drivel I did. Alice, I think you must be wonder woman or something to be able to read the books and give us these classes and still manage to hang on to some sense of self and brain and humour!

    1. I do like playing Wonder Woman on my time off. That whole “lasso of truth” comes in handy, if you know what I mean. Crap. I have been reading this books too long.

      1. You’re a braver woman than I. Although I did discuss the books with the Franciscan Novices last week (and they all shut up when my Novice Guardian walked in, but I carried on talking because I don’t see the point in pretending we were talking about something else).

        1. I would so love to know what they had to say about this.

          1. The one lad had been working at a camp over the summer and the 14/15-year-old girls kept falling silent when he walked past because they were talking about it, so he just straight up asked them about it instead. His personal opinion was that it’s poorly written. Another one takes the view of EL James walked past an Ann Summers shop, saw some of the “kinky” things like the fluffy handcuffs and then thought “I wonder what it would be like to use these?” and then wrote down her wonderings without actually trying it out or researching it.

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