50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Six

Oh my God.  I officially hate sex scenes now.  And I’m no prude.  I mean, I’ve read the romance books – er, I’ve turned to the middle of the book and read the sex scenes.  Don’t look at me like that, so have you.  But sex is literally all these people do, at least when they’re not involved in some idiot afterthought plot device.  And it got old in the first book.

Anyway, I thought it was bad enough in Book One when we got the tampon scene.  Then in Book Two we got the ice cream as a douche scene.  But this . . . this one . . . just . . .  I don’t even.

Let’s answer the questions.  Actually all three have the same answer.  5A: Christian and Ana use a buttplug.  5B: The buttplug is Christian’s “gift” (thanks honey!) 5C: And then Ana obsesses about how to clean the butt sauce off of the buttplug.  Truly, this book deserves the Pulitzer Prize, people.

Now if he were just tied to the table, this award would be even better.

Chapter 6 starts with Christian and Ana heading for the playroom, and holy crap I wish this were Pee Wee’s playroom because anything would beat this shit. (FacePalm)  Also, we could all yell at the top of our lungs every time they say the secret word (the secret word is “fuck” kids).  Ana thinks about how Mrs. Jones has been cleaning in there again and oh how embarrassing (AnaFail) and I’m thinking that surely Mrs. Jones could find another job, any other job, that was better than this one.  I don’t care how much he pays her.  Run, Mrs. Jones, run!  Don’t clean another buttplug!  They cannot take your Freee-dom!

Even Mel Gibson thinks this is messed up.

So then comes the Sex (Sexy Times, BoredNow, AlicePukes).  Ana gets down to her “lacy bra and panties” and Christian says “You’re a fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams).  Then he promptly sticks his face in her crotch (AlicePukes) and says “And you smell of me and sex” (AlicePukes, RedFlag)  Yuck.  We get it, Christian, you marked her with your pee two books ago.(RedFlag)  Shut up.  And get your face out of there.  You know where it’s been. (AlicePukes)

Ana reflects that he is so “naughty (AnaFail) which is her way of saying “creepy” I guess.  Christian orders her to turn away from him and says, shit, “We aim to please Mrs. Grey, and you wanted a surprise.” (AliceScreams, Red Flag).  Again with the royal we.  How many personalities does Christian have? (Red Flag)  I don’t want to know.

Ana lusts after “barefoot Christian” (AliceScreams) again.  WTF with the foot fetish, E.L.? (WTF)  He opens the drawer of sex toys and Ana thinks “Toys! Oh, I love, love, love this anticipation!” (AnaFail)  Yes, anticipation is right.  Like how one anticipates a root canal.  Also, I have a bad feeling this toy is not going to be a Barbie doll.   At least, God, I hope not.

No, don’t put Dr. Barbie there! She’s not that kind of doctor!

Now for the spankings! (RedFlag) Wheee!  Ana gets to lay across a table with instructions not to let go or breathe or anything unless she wants him to hit her, which she does, because she’s Ana (AnaFail, Red Flag).  We hear about her feeling “his erection pressing against his jeans” (AliceScreams) and I wonder whether he is ever not erect.  Surely people notice him walking along like a sundial all the time. (WTF)

Christian’s says “I see you’re very wet, Ana” (AliceScreams) and I wonder if she’s ever not wet.  She probably has to wear Depends all the time (WTF).  Then he shoves his fingers in her and says “Mine” (AliceScreams).  Yup, she’s all yours, Christian.  Try not to break her too fast, cause you’ll never find an animate inflatable doll like that again.(FacePalm)

And then, dun dun dun, he puts lube on her butt, and Ana thinks “Is he going to fuck my ass? (AnaFail, AlicePukes)  Ana talks about him lubricating her “there” (AliceScreams) and now we’ve got her calling her vagina and her butthole “there” which is going to get confusing.  She needs a “there pee-pee” and a “there go poop-poop”) so we can keep stuff straight.  Christian pulls out her present which is a buttplug! (FacePalm)  Remember guys, these make great stocking stuffers for that special lady in your life!

Merry Christmas!

Ana says “Oh, my” (AliceScreams) and “Holy Crap” (AliceScreams) and “Ah!” (AliceScreams) and has a detailed description of the buttplug swirlin’ around in her butt (AlicePukes) and Iwonder how far in the minus her grade will be this time.  We hear the “telltale sound of his zipper opening” (AliceScreams) because this has become her new code for “prepare for re-entry” because they’re married and married peoples don’t use condoms.  There’s more “Fuck!” and “Oh, baby” (AliceScreams) and Ana is spinning and falling into her orgams (AliceScreams) and finally the scene is freaking over.  THIS is what women are getting all hot over.  THIS.

They talk about being “thoroughly well fucked” (AliceScreams) and boy, they aren’t the only ones.  They take a bath together and Ana’s bobo stings, but only for a tiny bit cause she’s a snowflake, remember (FacePalm).  We get a way too long bit about Ana trying to sneakily clean the buttplug (BoredNow) and complaining that the housekeeper keeps wanting to help her – gee, I feel her pain. (AnaFail)  Christian doesn’t want her to go back to work, but she does, cause hey, she’s the Editor now, of course. (WTF)

It’s still not quite over yet.  She finds pictures Christian took of her – some while she was sleeping with her thumb in her mouth (I am not fucking kidding here) (AnaFail) and then several where she’s awake and right there with him and how the hell do you miss a picture taken of you from a huge camera like that when it’s only inches away from you?  Moron. (AnaFail)

They only thought Linus was weird.

And then Blah, blah she’s worried about Christian (BoredNow) and goes and crawls in his lap while he looks at the security tape and they see that it’s dun dun dun Jack Hyde who set the fire!  Zomg, I never would have guessed! (FacePalm)  Chapter End.  Thank God.

100 – (33*2)= 34 – ( 14 *10) 140 =  -106

I’m not sure if there’s a grade for that.  She could have not written anything, and come out six points ahead (and wouldn’t we have been grateful?)  But still, it needs a grade.  How about this?

That should do it.

(In Chapter 7, Alice goes on a hate rampage because OMG that chapter is even worse than this one how is that possible?  Anyway, that prompts this question:)

Question Six: Short Essay!

How much does the 50 Shades series suck in terms of book suckage?  Explain.

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25 responses

  1. This is my kind of question. I have oodles of suckfestology™ to write about 50 Shades. If these books were lollipops they would be finished in a second because they suck so hard … ooh ooh popsicle imagery (StorkFail). If they were soothers all my teeth would fall out from the uber suckage.
    BTW Coming Soon on Storkhunting: 50 Shades Freud. I’m taking a peek at ChristiAna Dr Flynn style (only without the Sesame Street qualification).

    1. Oh, boy, I cannot WAIT for 50 Shades Freud. Oooh, and you could do it Dr. Phil / Flynn style. “This is gonna be a changin’ day in yer life, Christian. Want a new car?” Or maybe not. 😀

  2. These books make me hate that humans were given the ability to communicate…that’s how much these books suck.

    1. If only someone could have taught E.L. what humans were, and how they communicated. It’s not with whips and buttplugs – there’s a hint, E.L.

  3. This books makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep for the world. For the authors that write even slightly better that James and haven’t gotten published, for the people who like the book and use it as their sex bible, for the children because they are being raised in a world with such suckage out in the open, and for myself because I read it.

    1. That was a truly moving essay. What about the children???? She does make me want to scream when I consider that I could write better than she could when I was ten, but chances of me getting something published are pretty low (especially if I never get it polished and, like, sent anywhere. Actually submitting something seems to be big with them.) I still think anyone who writes “Twilight Sexy Times” on the cover will get published in the next year or two, or at least until the next big buttplug comes out . . . that was bad imagery.

    2. I’m giving you a standing ovation for that comment.

  4. I have wanted to read this series for so long, out of curiosity. Now, you make me want to read it in terms of how much it sucks. Really, the way you describe it sounds like one big, broken up with dialogue, butt rape. As painful as that is for me, I’d love to tear this apart like I tore apart Twilight. Looks like it reads about the same.

    1. Where did you tear apart Twilight? I’d love to see it. And yes, you’re right – it’s one big butt rape with pointless words thrown in, very apt description.

      1. Oh, ha! It’s something I’ll have to post, because I haven’t really wrote it yet. It’s something on-going between some friends and I over the last few years. What a terrible series!

        I’m going to hike it down to Walmart (can you believe they sell it there?!?! And I couldn’t find a single copy of “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”!) this weekend and get a copy, hopefully. We’ll take some time to discuss!

    2. You must post it. I would read. I do love deconstruction.

  5. It sucks so bad, it is an insult to sucking to say it sucks.

  6. As you know, I haven’t read this book, however, I’m enjoying your recaps.
    I think that if somebody gave me these books as a Christmas gift I would burn the book and person who gave it to me.
    Does this count as an entry?
    Btw, I know I’m bugging you but I still can’t send you a message, the form seems to be linked to the picture and when you click to start writing it opens the Chesire pic.

    1. Weird. Not sure what I’m doing wrong. You can just direct email me if you want.

      1. Yay!
        I managed to send it, let’s hope you get it.

  7. First, we must define, “suckage”. It could go one of two ways: Suck as in ‘bad’ or suck as in… well, the penis/vagina kind. If we start with definition two, the we must consider it a HUGE suck-fest (at least, from what I can tell from your recaps it seems to be a huge vagina suckfest). And if we consider definition one, once again we get a HUGE suckfest.
    So really, by transitive property, the books suck either way. And we can determine that I have succesfully proven the suckiness of these stories.

    A+ for me??!!

    1. You have bad books down to a science! A+.

      1. YES! Good thing you won’t have to call my parents now because of bad grades! =D

        1. I might have to call them about the porn, though. 😀

  8. How badly does it suck? It sucks so badly it makes a dead vacuum cleaner look like it can clean up the carpet after Christipoo and Ana have destroyed some bondage ropes (which I’m sure can’t be too far off if it hasn’t happened already).

    1. That’s some good suckage right there. Poor Mrs. Jones will have to clean up after it again . . .

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