For Update 2 I announced that extra points could be awarded for interesting posts. I got some. Also, to be fair, I went back and found my favorite comments from past posts. They ranged in content from kissing up to me to flirting with depressed ponies to sex with hamsters and Crisco. Talk about a fun bag of flaming vaginal balls. Check it out.
Contest Update 2
Miss Four Eyes –
“I’d like to bring my grades up please. I’m pretty hot so can I give you a call?
Fair warning, I’m growing a mustache in honor of Movember. And I quit shaving my legs too (not for Movember, but just because)
But still pretty darn hot. Whatdya say?”
Sad Pony and Squirrel say two thumbs up – 2 extra points
Love and Lunchmeat –
Dear Mrs. Alice,
Besides being my favorite blogger ever, you are super pretty, smart, funny, and creative. Your pumpkin with the mustache was the highlight of my (sad little) life. Also, you don’t look a day over 26.
With lot of love and (ass) kisses,
L & L
Flattery will get you everywhere. Plus 1 point!
“Buttplugs tied with whips? Tiny little exploding Charlie Tangos with mini Ana and Christian’s inside? A certificate titled “fair point well made”?”
Excellent suggestions for possible diplomas. Plus 1 point!
Jen and Tonic –
“If I slip you 50 (shades of) Dollars, will my ranking go up?”
Alice is still waitin’ on that money. Plus one point.
We got some awesome fill-in-the-blank comments on this one. They made my “down there” so happy. The questions were:
5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.
5B: Christian gives Ana a present. It is a ________.
5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.
Speaker 7 –
5A: vat of crisco
5B: Fat Magnet™: As seen on TV
5C: crisco-encrusted vaginal balls
5B: golden vaginal ball
5C: million dildos
5A – and a blow up doll named Sven with spikes protruding everywhere.
5B – it is a big wooden paddle, one with holes in to do whatever the holes are there for, I don’t know but I’m sure you like details in these answers.
5C – …about cleaning the vomit up that all decent people who read the books shes in emit copiously.
Only answered one, so I guess it goes for all three. “Chipmunk”
Miss Four Eyes
5A. A rattlesnake
5B. Slave girl uniform
5C. Elmo phone she thought was sooo hot
The Bumble Files
5A. A rattlesnake – I second that one!
5B. A ball of yarn ??? – Christian will think of something
5C. pillows – you know because of all her drool
C. Kitty litter.
5A: Luigi (I mean, he’s on the page so much, I feel like he needed to be included one more time. Especially because he just makes the scenes)
5B: a brain
5C: plate? (I mean, maybe she finally grows a backbone and decides to eat whatever the hell she wants to! Well – here’s hoping for a little backbone power anyway…)
A: security guard
B: Feed bag, so she can graze constantly
Why am I tempted to say “20 inch dildo” in reply to all three questions? I suspect it’s because it’s just that predictable…
They were all so good, I couldn’t choose one. Plus 3 points for everyone.
This time the question was True or False!
Question 5A: Ana is the worst character in the history of ever. True/False
Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage. True / False
Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next. True / False
“Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.
True! I can feel my brain cells curling up and committing suicide and I’ve not even read the book, only your descriptions!”
Brain cell suicide description is so lyrical! Plus 1 point!
Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?
(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango! She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames. Ka-boooooom!
(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.
(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.
“Maybe Ana’s willingness to withstand pain and comfort Christian is E.L. James’ way of showing how “strong” Ana is. Or maybe E.L. James and these books suck a big flaming vaginal ball.”
Speaker has such a way with words. Plus one point for flaming vaginal balls!
“You know, I think you should stop reading these for the good of your mental health.”
I appreciate the concern but is to fine me. Plus point one!
Question Two: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?
A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.
B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.
C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard. Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.
“And Paparazzi? Seriously? She really put that in there? Wait a second, why am I surprised? It makes no sense, so of course it’s in there! And that position???? Arms and legs shackled together? Sounds so comfy and romantic! I think I’ll go home and try that with my wife tonight! Thank you EL James!
Thank you for torturing yourself for us! God speed, Alice!”
You’re welcome. Plus one point.
Love and Lunchmeat
“P.S. Ana’s boobs are SPARKLY. I think that explains just about everything.”
Yes, it does. Plus one point
Contest Update 1
“I gather from your post that I have read these books. Is that true? I don’t think I have. I have a distant memories of disintegrating panties and jet skis, but I’ve been drinking a lot of Robitussin so I’m blaming them on that.”
I’d rather drink cough syrup than think about disintegrating panties. Plus one point. Off to find the NyQuil.
Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?
- Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams. Romance!
- The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
- Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal.
“I would like to subtract an additional 10 points for every time Christian touched Ana’s privates and said “Mine.””
Done and Done
Intro Post: Back to School
“I’m going with B.
Having known Alice since…a long, long time ago, I feel compelled to reveal that she used to make up quizzes for me about Star Trek (and vice versa, but she was better at it), back in junior high.
You should do some true/false questions. Or matching!”
True. I was weird even then. True /false idea was awesome. Plus one point.
New class rankings as of Update 2 (not including Lesson Six) w/ bonus points. WTF is Alice doing? What are all these numbers? Enjoy!
Storkhunter 14 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 3 + 3 + =24
faithhopechocolate 13 + 1 +1 +1 +1 + 3 = 20
Ravinj 7 + 1 + 4 + 3 +1 = 16
Carrie Rubin 9 + 2 + 1 + 3 = 15
Speaker7 6 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 1 +1 = 15
MissFourEyes 6 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 3 = 14
Lesbiannextdoor 5 + 1 + 3 +1 = 10
Giggles McGill Jill 2 + 1 + 3 = 6
Angel Fractured 5
Love and Lunchmeat 3 +1+1 = 5
Jemmy 1 + 1 + 3 = 5
StetotheJ 1 + 3 = 4
Ruby Tuesday 4
The Bumble Files 1 + 3 = 4
Jen and Tonic 1 + 1 +1 = 3
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
Doggy’s Style 1