50 Shades of Extra Credit!

For Update 2  I announced that extra points could be awarded for interesting posts.  I got some.  Also, to be fair, I went back and found my favorite comments from past posts.  They ranged in content from kissing up to me to flirting with depressed ponies to sex with hamsters and Crisco.  Talk about a fun bag of flaming vaginal balls.  Check it out.

Contest Update 2

Miss Four Eyes –

“I’d like to bring my grades up please. I’m pretty hot so can I give you a call?
Fair warning, I’m growing a mustache in honor of Movember. And I quit shaving my legs too (not for Movember, but just because)
But still pretty darn hot. Whatdya say?”

Sad Pony and Squirrel say two thumbs up – 2 extra points

Love and Lunchmeat

Dear Mrs. Alice,

Besides being my favorite blogger ever, you are super pretty, smart, funny, and creative. Your pumpkin with the mustache was the highlight of my (sad little) life. Also, you don’t look a day over 26.

With lot of love and (ass) kisses,
L & L

Flattery will get you everywhere.  Plus 1 point!

Storkhunter –

“Buttplugs tied with whips? Tiny little exploding Charlie Tangos with mini Ana and Christian’s inside? A certificate titled “fair point well made”?”

Excellent suggestions for possible diplomas.  Plus 1 point!

Jen and Tonic –

“If I slip you 50 (shades of) Dollars, will my ranking go up?”

Alice is still waitin’ on that money.  Plus one point.

Lesson Five

We got some awesome fill-in-the-blank comments on this one.  They made my “down there” so happy.  The questions were:

5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.

5B: Christian gives Ana a present.  It is a  ________.

5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.

Speaker 7 –

5A: vat of crisco
5B: Fat Magnet™: As seen on TV
5C: crisco-encrusted vaginal balls

thelesbiannextdoor –

5A: hamster

5B: golden vaginal ball

5C: million dildos

StetotheJ –

5A – and a blow up doll named Sven with spikes protruding everywhere.
5B – it is a big wooden paddle, one with holes in to do whatever the holes are there for, I don’t know but I’m sure you like details in these answers.
5C – …about cleaning the vomit up that all decent people who read the books shes in emit copiously.

Carrie Rubin

Only answered one, so I guess it goes for all three.  “Chipmunk”

Miss Four Eyes

5A. A rattlesnake
5B. Slave girl uniform
5C. Elmo phone she thought was sooo hot

The Bumble Files

5A. A rattlesnake – I second that one!
5B. A ball of yarn ??? – Christian will think of something
5C. pillows – you know because of all her drool


A. Kitten
B. Kitten
C. Kitty litter.

GiggsMcGill Jill

5A: Luigi (I mean, he’s on the page so much, I feel like he needed to be included one more time. Especially because he just makes the scenes)
5B: a brain
5C: plate? (I mean, maybe she finally grows a backbone and decides to eat whatever the hell she wants to! Well – here’s hoping for a little backbone power anyway…)


A: security guard
B: Feed bag, so she can graze constantly
C: Piano


a) buttplug
b) buttplug
c) buttplug


Why am I tempted to say “20 inch dildo” in reply to all three questions? I suspect it’s because it’s just that predictable…

They were all so good, I couldn’t choose one.  Plus 3 points for everyone.

Lesson Four

This time the question was True or False!

Question 5A:  Ana is the worst character in the history of ever.  True/False

Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.  True / False

Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next.  True / False


“Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.

True! I can feel my brain cells curling up and committing suicide and I’ve not even read the book, only your descriptions!”

Brain cell suicide description is so lyrical! Plus 1 point!

Lesson Three

Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?

(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango!  She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames.  Ka-boooooom!

(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.

(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.

Speaker 7

“Maybe Ana’s willingness to withstand pain and comfort Christian is E.L. James’ way of showing how “strong” Ana is. Or maybe E.L. James and these books suck a big flaming vaginal ball.”

 Speaker has such a way with words.  Plus one point for flaming vaginal balls!


“You know, I think you should stop reading these for the good of your mental health.”

I appreciate the concern but is to fine me.  Plus point one!

Lesson Three

Question Two: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?

A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.

B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.

C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard.  Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.


“And Paparazzi? Seriously? She really put that in there? Wait a second, why am I surprised? It makes no sense, so of course it’s in there! And that position???? Arms and legs shackled together? Sounds so comfy and romantic! I think I’ll go home and try that with my wife tonight! Thank you EL James!

Thank you for torturing yourself for us! God speed, Alice!”

You’re welcome.  Plus one point.

Love and Lunchmeat

“P.S. Ana’s boobs are SPARKLY. I think that explains just about everything.”

Yes, it does.  Plus one point

Contest Update 1

Speaker 7

“I gather from your post that I have read these books. Is that true? I don’t think I have. I have a distant memories of disintegrating panties and jet skis, but I’ve been drinking a lot of Robitussin so I’m blaming them on that.”

I’d rather drink cough syrup than think about disintegrating panties.  Plus one point.  Off to find the NyQuil.

Lesson One

Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?

  1. Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams.  Romance!
  2. The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
  3. Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal.

Speaker 7

“I would like to subtract an additional 10 points for every time Christian touched Ana’s privates and said “Mine.””

Done and Done

Intro Post: Back to School


“I’m going with B.
Having known Alice since…a long, long time ago, I feel compelled to reveal that she used to make up quizzes for me about Star Trek (and vice versa, but she was better at it), back in junior high.

You should do some true/false questions. Or matching!”

True.  I was weird even then.  True /false idea was awesome.  Plus one point.

New class rankings as of Update 2 (not including Lesson Six) w/ bonus points.  WTF is Alice doing?  What are all these numbers?  Enjoy!

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 14 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 3 + 3 + =24

faithhopechocolate 13 + 1 +1 +1 +1 + 3 = 20

Ravinj 7 + 1 + 4 + 3 +1  = 16

Carrie Rubin  9 + 2 + 1 + 3 = 15

Speaker7 6 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 1 +1  = 15

MissFourEyes 6 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 3 = 14

Lesbiannextdoor 5 + 1 + 3 +1 = 10

Giggles McGill Jill 2 + 1 + 3 = 6

Angel Fractured 5

Love and Lunchmeat 3 +1+1 = 5

Jemmy 1 + 1 + 3 = 5

StetotheJ 1 + 3 = 4

Ruby Tuesday 4

The Bumble Files 1 + 3 = 4

Jen and Tonic 1 + 1 +1 = 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

Doggy’s Style 1

As you can see, Storkhunter has maintained her lead, and for a while it looked like faithhopechocolate was going to lose her rank to Ravin, but at the last minute, boom, she’s back in second.  The excitement makes me wanna pee – except I was told not to – wait, I’m not Ana Steele.  Keep it up, kiddos!  See you in class next week!  There is nothing wrong with my mental state!

40 responses

  1. How am I not doing better? This is beguiling me. I feel I need to do something drastic, like braid a crack whore’s hair or something.

    1. That could work. Or you could leave a bunch of comments. Or have Hugo leave comments. Is he out of puppet prison yet? What about Goofy? She has been strangely silent . . .

      1. Hugo has told me Goofy doesn’t need to speak, and since Hugo portrays Christian Grey, I feel his answer is appropriate.

        1. Did he use the dog training manual on her too?

  2. I’m clapping my hands in glee. First the shiny on my blog and now I’m winning 50 Shades contest. My inner goddess is doing the merengue salsa dance and I think my subconscious my have just died.

    1. I think I may have just puked. WTF possessed James to put in all the crap about inner goddess and subconscious? I swear her invisible friends are more interesting than Ana, but I still want to kill them. Repeatedly. Inner goddess is such a slut.

      1. Ana is a psychiatrist’s wet dream (a normal one, not Dr Flynn). I wish the whole book had been written from Inner Goddess’s POV. That would have been so much more interesting. Kinky fuckery from the eyes of a slut.

  3. Isn’t the first sign of true insanity your inability to recognize that you’re losing your grip on reality? Maybe you should take a break and go play croquet with the Queen of Hearts. Say, I bet she’d know just what to do about Ana and Christian!

    1. Off with their fucking heads. Yes! I actually have a lunch meeting with the Q of H. I’m totally fine.

  4. I’m the underdog.
    Is it valid if I go back and do my homework, would this points be counted?
    Is it retroactive?

    1. Nah, I started closing the comments for my brain’s sake. But the secret is to just have inane conversations with me on here because I count every comment even if you comment ten times on one post.

      1. Counting every comment! YES! So I was at only 18 points to catch up, make that 17… 😉

          1. Man – commenting is the best! (Another comment? I can keep this going all. day. long. *said in the voice of the guy from the Adam Sandler movies*)

          2. Comment, comment, sparkly comments.

  5. I give up. I’d probably be really sad-faced, but if I’m going to give up on something… Well, I gave up on a contest that involved Fifty Shades of Grey. That’s almost like a reward in and of itself.

    1. OH, nooos, don’t drop out! We can talk here too and you’ll be in like second place in no time.

      1. Alice, I shall give you a tiara, and refer to you as Queen…

        1. Awesome. Do I get to chop peoples’ heads off?

          1. That depends. Is it worth 20 points?

          2. Hmm. Depends on whose head(s) I get to chop.

          3. Oooh, now that’s tempting.

  6. I see I’m slipping in my rankings. Not that I’m too disappointed. Never let it be known that I knew too much about these books…

    1. Without even reading them.

      1. Still pretty impressive. If you’re impressed with that sort of thing. And WHO WOULDN’T BE, AMIRIGHT?

  7. Some might say loser, but I say not too shabby on a 50 Shades of Grey contest! Don’t I get extra points for dating and completely blowing the minds of both Sad Pony and Squirrel?
    Plus, sometimes I read your posts without my glasses. Miss FOUR Eyes reads your posts with her TWO faulty eyes. She puts herself through such pain and torture to read Alice’s hilarious posts about how Christy put his fingers up Ana’s butt, which may not be as physically painful but still. She also refers to herself in third person just like Alice. Because Alice is cool.

    1. Sad Pony and Squirrel are definitely rooting for you, when Sad Pony isn’t stealing Squirrel’s nuts, and Squirrel isn’t stealing Sad Pony’s Paxil. I am impressed with reading without glasses. I read without glasses, but that’s because I have far away vision issues, and that’s how I lose my glasses constantly.

      But appeals to Sad Pony and Squirrel AND sucking up to Alice? You DO know how to play this game!

  8. Yay! Four points. I’m so excited, Alice. This made my day, because I’ve had a real humdinger of one! Thanks, Chicky.

    1. Oh, wow, if 50 Shades school brings up your day, I can imagine how bad it was! Hope it’s getting better.

      1. It’s ok. Just car trouble…nothing you can ever do about that except pay up! Get it fixed. Whaa. So, yeah, I’ll take 50 Shades over car trouble. 🙂

        1. One use of having a mechanic husband. It’s worth having parts all over the yard. And tools in the kitchen. Usually.

  9. I just follow the “try try again” mantra! I shall do it! Well, I probably definitely won’t beat Storkhunter, because she’s so great (Though not as pretty, and smart, and witty, and beautiful, and cool as YOU Alice! =D)

    (Annnnnnd 16….)

    1. A comment and a suck-up. Jill is getting good at this game. Are you in real college? Cause this could only help you out.

      1. I did graduate from real college! =D (With an oh-so-useful BS degree in Anthropology ^.^)

        1. Mine are almost as good! English and Library Science! Profitable!

          1. Woohoo! It’s people like us who are going to rule the world!

  10. Nothing wrong with your mental state? Are you sure? I mean, you do keep on reading this rubbish!! Maybe we should commission Thing One and Thing Two to do something nice for you, like make supper one evening… 😉

    1. I like that idea. Except all they can make is Spaghettios and hot dogs. Not that I’m much better.

  11. […] shitty books like 50 Shades of Grey so that I can partake, and win, in Alice’s Pop Quiz contest. Okay, I’m winning now … but next […]

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