50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Seven

*Warning: The following recap contains material unsuitable for children or adults or any animal and plant life and should be read with extreme caution.  Names of right wing politicians are thrown about as curse words.  I’m just sayin’

I hate this book.   Hate.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.  Hate, hate, hate.  Really, there should be a better word for this, something far more insulting.  Something like – I Fox News this book.  Yes, that’s it.  Fox Newssssssss!  Bill O’Reily!  Ann Coulter!  Hell, at this point, I’m pulling out the big guns.  RUSH LIMBAUGH.

Now I’m just getting scary.

Okay, enough dirty talk.  You’re probably wondering about your essay questions.  There were some really good ones (so says Sad Pony who reluctantly agreed to help when I showed him that bottle of Elmer’s.)  But the best one came from Miss Four Eyes.  I would say he was biased, but I had to agree with him on this one.  She said:

“This books makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep for the world. For the authors that write even slightly better that James and haven’t gotten published, for the people who like the book and use it as their sex bible, for the children because they are being raised in a world with such suckage out in the open, and for myself because I read it.”

Yes, James, what about the CHILDREN?  Plus one bonus point, Miss Four Eyes.

Okay, let’s get to it.  When last we left our demented duo, absolutely nothing was happening and this continues into the next chapter.  Oh, sure, smart Ana identified Jack Hyde as the culprit (Christian is madfaced that she could identify him because that meant she looked at another man)(Red Flag), but pretty much everyone else knew by now except the two of them.  I bet Taylor knew.  I bet Taylor is working with Jack, cause Taylor seems fairly competent, yet keeps screwing up.  Or does he?  Hmmm.

There’s a bunch of blah, blah and more of that “are you hungry for food or – ya know – wink wink.” (AliceScreams)  Ana is pouty because Mrs. Jones is in the kitchen doing her fucking job, but she’s eager to let Ana make Christian “sub” sandwiches – do you get it?  Ana cleverly makes a joke about sexual slavery, cause “submissive” and “submarine” both . . . nevermind. (AnaFail, FacePalm)  Christian says he likes his woman barefoot in the kitchen (of course) (Red Flag) but Ana adds in “barefoot and pregnant?” and Christian gets all freaky and oh GEE, could this be foreshadowing?  It’s so goddamn subtle I’m not sure. (FacePalm)

I can totally see this happening to Ana.

Then they talk about the house blah blah (BoredNow) and Ana wonders if they should add a playroom to their family home (Sure, why the fuck not?  Traumatize your children.  It’s fun.) (AnaFail, FacePalm).  They decide to watch X-Files on T.V. (BoredNow) and Ana asks Christian if he’s ever “made out” and he hasn’t but Ana has and . . . what? (WTF)  This is the girl that had never pleasured herself or even fucking held hands with someone.  But she’s been frenching guys?  Nevermind. (FacePalm) Shockingly, Christian is disturbed that anyone else has had his tongue in Ana’s mouth, so he makes the fun makeout session into something terrifying, and not just because of the multiple baseball references (RedFlag).

He starts sexing her up, while interrogating her about boys she dated in freaking high school (Red Flag).  “Did he do this?  Touch you like this?” (RedFlag)  Christian shoves his finger up her “down there pee-pee” again (AliceScreams) and Ana says that making out doesn’t involve sex, which Christian totally understands.   “Homerun,” he says, shoving his baseball bat sized peen inside her (Red Flag).  What a guy.

Silly Ana tries to argue with Christian and reflects that, “I am Anastasia when I am in trouble just like at home with my mother.” (Red Flag, AnaFail)  Bing, bing, bing, bing!  There’s a clue, Ana!  Do you see it?  Do we need to bring in Blue from Blue’s Clues to help you out there?

You left your self-respect WHERE now, Ana?

Finally, Ana goes back to her fucking job, which if you will recall, is as Editor, a position she, a recent college graduate, was promoted to after a week. (WTF)  Elizabeth – who I think was Jack’s boss?  Or coworker?  I’m not sure what she does – comes in her office and acts all freaky weird, but she’s a woman, so Ana brushes it off (AnaFail) and gets to the important stuff.  Like emailing Christian. (AliceScreams)

Uh oh, Kitty’s head . . . can’t . . . take . . . pressure.

Turns out Christian is concerned with important matters.  No, not the recent arson committed at his home, silly, it’s about Ana not taking his last name! (RedFlag)  Here is where Alice starts to shout “LIMBAUGH” over and over at the top of her lungs, so be prepared.  She tells him she wants to keep her name at work and that they’ll discuss it later, so Christian respects her by showing up at her workplace and barging into her office (RedFlag).

You GO, Christian!

He starts out calling her one of his “assets” (Red Flag) that needs to be “rebranded.” (RedFlag)  Aw, how cute!  Her assistant (Ana has an assistant.  Of course she does.) is all breathless over Christian, of course (AliceScreams) and Ana is annoyed with this, of course (AliceScreams).  Christian enunciates “Ms. Steele” several times, cause he’s an asshole (RedFlag) but Ana actually says “You were rudely interrupting my workday to fight with me about my name.”  Yep, that about covers it, asshat.  Naturally, Christipoo sees nothing wrong with this, and, get ready, says “I like to make the odd impromptu visit.  It keeps management on their toes, wives in their place.” (FUCKING RED FLAG, AliceRage).  LIMBAUGH with an ANN COULTER on top!  FOX NEWS!!!!

Still with me?  Or did you fall back to the 1950s for a moment, cause I think I did. (WTF)  Ana is actually annoyed with this comment, so I’m sure she’s going to follow through and tell Christipoo what she thinks of him by sticking his package in the door jam and slamming the door several times.  Right, right?  Let’s see.  Ana asks AGAIN if they can please talk about this later (AnaFail), and Christian figures, hey, he’s here, why not now? (RedFlag)  You’re only here, asshole, cause you came uninvited.   Ann Coulter! (AliceRage)

Now, now, this would never have happened if Ana had just stayed home like she should. You know, like I do.

Ana says she has work to do (those coloring pages are NOT going to color themselves!) so Christian pulls out Manipulation Device #3: You hurted my feelings, and asks if she’s “ashamed of him” (RedFlag) and Ana worries that he’s suddenly cold after having been such a peach on the honeymoon. (AnaFail) She also reflects on a lot of stuff I’m raging about, but DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT. (AnaFail, AliceScreams, AliceRage)  She asks why it’s important, but duh, we know why, and Christian answers “Because you’re mine” (RedFlag)  Yup, Christian done bought you, Ana-kins; you can know be known as Ana Grey™.  He explains that marrying him was not enough, oh no, he says “I want your world to begin and end with me.” (RedFlag)

Yup, Ana, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough, short of signing over your entire body and soul, and even then he’s not going to trust you.  Fuck, Ana, surely you must watch Lifetime movies, right? (AnaFail) Guess what, you’re in one, and those movies don’t end well, idiot.  Naturally, Ana feels sorry for poor Christian, cause once he was abused and guess what? (AnaFail)  Millions of people across the planet have been abused, many much more heinously than Christipoo, and they don’t act like psycho assholes! (AliceRage)  ROMNEY / RYAN!

And then she said, “I have rights too.” And we laughed and laughed and laughed.

But hey, Christian is such a dreamboat, which is why Ana says to herself, “I must not cry.  I must not cry.” (RedFlag)  She tells him she doesn’t want his name because then they might think he got her the job and omg guess what you will never guess!  Turns out Christian did get her the job, which is so surprising, because I thought every brand new assistant got given a full Editor’s job with absolutely no fucking experience. (AnaFail)  Hell, the janitor probably had more experience.  But, don’t worry, Christipoo won’t use this as a way of putting her in her place oh yes of course he will. (RedFlag)

After making her feel like she’s shit, he tells her she’s “risen to the challenge” and I’m like, yeah right, she made him rise, maybe, but she’s an idiot.  A monkey could do a better job, even if he did throw shit around the office. (FacePalm)  But if you’re rich, talent doesn’t matter, and Christian tells his “errant wife” he’s giving her the company as a present. (WTF)  Yay!  Ana says that, at 22 and just recently graduated, and oh yeah, a total fucking moron, she doesn’t know squat about running a business but Christian says sure she does cause she likes to read! (FacePalm)  Yes!  Of course.  That’s how I got to be a librarian, you know.  I liked to read.  That’s all we fucking do, and I’m sure that’s all editors do, sit around and read all day.  This goddamn book. (AliceRage) Limbaugh, Limbaugh, Limbaugh.  O’Reily.  Limbaugh.

See this bear? It could run a business better than Ana – or ANY woman, am I right?

I realize this is longer than most of my reviews, but guyz, the shit just keeps getting’ better.  Christian gives her the “how you doin’” look (Manipulation Device #4: Sexy Times) (AliceScreams) and I’m like OMG they are going to do it on the desk please kill me now but Ana says no and for some reason Christian doesn’t rape her this time.  He does keep irritating her until she agrees to take his name, at which point he claps for himself and says “Mission Accomplished” which is just as bad as when George W. said it and half of the free world wanted to kick his ass for being a douchebag. (RedFlag)

Ana feels like she’s “been run over by a freight train” but doesn’t see this as any kind of warning or anything, because she’s a moron. (AnaFail)  Instead, she decides to solve the problem by . . . emailing! (AliceScreams)

Oh, here we go AGAIN. Kittens aren’t cheap, people.

After work, she’s pissed at Christian, which I’m sure will last, yeah right.  (AnaFail) Christian laughs at her, but then realizes she might keep being mad, so he’d better pull out another manipulation device, stat, and says “I have issues” cause that’s always a good excuse. (RedFlag) You can’t blame me for getting stoned and running over my neighbors.  I have ISSUES, okay, you guyz?  Christian then tells her she’s “Like a priceless asset, like a child.” (RedFlag, AliceRage) and Alice says WTF, seriously that is just so damned appropriate.  (WTF)  Since she’s his “child” he tells her she can take out her rage on him in bed later and WTF, James, just WTF. (RedFlag)

But let’s concentrate on what’s most important.  The realtor is coming over, and she’s hot, so Ana must compensate by dressing like a tramp. (WTF, FacePalm)  Christian turns on the classical music, a requiem (how fucking appropriate) and I bet this is on the soundtrack oh goooody!  They dance, and SHOCK, Ana forgives him, just before the evil good looking realtor woman arrives at the door.  END CHAPTER.

Final Score:100-106 = (-6) –160 = -166

Now that’s just impressive, folks.  What can I give that?

I give it a Limbaugh.

Question Eight:  What happens in Chapter 8?
A) Ana acts like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitchfest.

B) Taylor and Mrs. Jones do it on the piano and the table and the kitchen counter to get even and Ana says ewwww.

C) While cutting Christian’s hair, Ana accidentally cuts off his package.  Oopsies!

But WAIT, there’s MORE!  I’ve had to close comments Saturday evening so Sad Pony can count for me.  It’s getting tight!  We have a three-way going.  Um, a three-way TIE for third place.  Anyway, here are our current standings:

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 24 +2 + 1 = 27

faithhopechocolate 20 + 1 + 1 = 22

Ravinj 16 + 1 + 1 = 18

Speaker7 15 + 2 + 1 = 18

MissFourEyes 14 +1 + 1 + 2 = 18

Carrie Rubin  15 + 2 = 17

Giggles McGill Jill 6 + 5 + 3 = 14

Lesbiannextdoor 10

Love and Lunchmeat 5 + 4 = 9

The Bumble Files 4 + 2 = 6

Angel Fractured 5

Jemmy 5

StetotheJ 4

Ruby Tuesday 4

Doggy’s Style 1 + 1 + 2 = 4

Jen and Tonic 3 + 1 = 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

37 responses

  1. Reading this again makes me want to jam a butt plug into my brain.

    1. If only it were so easy, right?

  2. I’ll take option A. It probably applies to every chapter in the book.

    1. Good point there. Although sometimes she and Christipoo seem to take turn being the bitchi-est.

  3. Oh C, please let it be C. But then Christipoo will take it and shove up her down there and leave it in permanently. Would you like that Ana? Would ya?
    James has this talent of giving Ana a spine for five seconds and then ripping it out without surgery. Ana obviously doesn’t feel pain because, hey, no brain. But what about mine people?

    1. She would like it as long as it was Christian. But other guy – and certainly no icky woman – should ever get near her hoo-ha!

      And the spine retraction drives me bats. She has her think the right stuff, but she never DOES IT. Just – wtf? Seriously, I’ve known plenty of hot guys before. And as soon as they act like assholes, they lose the hotness. End of story. I guess if you’re as shallow and witless as Ana . . . oy.

  4. I wish for C, would settle for B, but predict A, though how would you notice? She seems to have only 3 moods: doormat, bitch, and horny.

    1. Hahaha! I bet Christian has her programmed with a switch and he just flips it every once in a while.

  5. B.
    It’s funny how you can sum up crap with either a one liner or an reiteration…there’s all and nothing to shorten…

    1. I know – most of her chapters could be summed up in one sentence. “Christian acts like an asshole to Ana.” Boop, that’s it. Did we need a chapter for that?

    2. I agree with B. Because Ana would probably die without Christian’s ‘down there’ to ‘sustain her’ and so we can’t hope for a short ending to the book. But she’d definitely think it was gross if the help did anything fun.

      1. But also: who’s Taylor? I missed that… Is he old like Mrs. Jones? (Is she old? She’s old in my head…) I think he must be a personal assistant? But I could be guessing there… and by ‘could be guessing’ I definitely mean ‘am guessing’.

        1. Taylor’s his driver / bodyguard / assistant / clearly not paid enough. I see Mrs. Jones as old in my head too, but that’s because earlier in my interviews for book 2 I pictured her as Alice from the Brady Bunch. But I think she’s only supposed to be like 30, which to Ana is 300, and OMG so old.

          He mentions Taylor a lot, so I know. But she gives full names of the most minor character for absolutely no reason and then has them surface again and I”m like wtf, who is that? Then I remember I don’t care.

          1. But do we not care?? DO WE?! Don’t you wish to know more about them so that maybe you could follow THEM and not Ana/Christian??

          2. They’d be more appealing. Then again, following a Spongebob Squarepants / Dora the Explorer romance would be more appealing.

          3. Omg – Alice – I think that’s YOUR calling!
            Your next project: Amor Under the Sea
            Protagonists/love couple: Spongebob and Dora
            Antagonists/bad couple: Swiper and Squidword

          4. Can you say “inappropriado”, boys and girls? (I don’t actually know the word for inappropriate despite three years of Spanish.)

          5. I think, in fact, that Dora would say, “Come on boys and girls, this is perfecto!”

          6. (Also, don’t you love my effort on this?! I’m going to skyrocket to the top! I’m going to!! *Revs jetpack*)

          7. As one of the books I used to read as a teenager was named: “Sky High”

  6. I have to say C, as I am Lorena Bobbit’s fan.

    1. In the bedroom, the quiet bedroom, John Bobbit sleeps tonightttt . . . in the kitchen, the peaceful kitchen, Lorena grabs a knifffe . . . a weenie whack, a weenie whack, a weenie whack . . .

      I forget where I heard that, but I still love it.

  7. C would be great for all the reasons in the world, i fear it may be A though. Having said that I enjoy your self inflicted rant, almost like enjoy the torture, hang on you couldn’t be….could you?

  8. (I’m moving up in the score board! YES! OMG! *freak out*)

    And I fainted at Ann Coulter – when I awoke and read, “Rush Limbaugh” I pretty much died. Thank you.

    And it looks like you had lots of fun painting the kitty’s brain exloding!! Was it a bit cathartic?

    1. You’re welcome. I might have lost a couple followers over that one. Well, LImbaugh, it was worth it. Not sure, though, as I never can remember the number of followers I really have . . . eh.

      Painting the kitty’s brain exploding was fun.

      1. I get so excited every time I get a new follower that the numbers are tattooed on my brain…

        1. I think mine go up and down . . . but then I forget what the number was so I’m no longer sure . . .

  9. I can’t believe I only have 10 points. I am slacking! Uh-oh, I hope Christian doesn’t come and punish me! (Ack! Ugh! Gross! Yuck!) I need to answer today’s question STAT, so that doesn’t happen.

    I’m guessing that the answer is A, but it would be in Ana’s stupid nature to get mad at people for doing exactly what she has done and think it’s icky, so I’ll go with B.

    1. Ack, ugh, gross, yuck – hey, it’s like the sounds Ana makes during sex! Yes, you’d best work your way up. I hear Christian is waiting with his ruler and a pole cue again.

  10. I’m in another threeway? YES!
    And Sad Pony liked my essay. Thank you, Sad Pony!

    I wanted to say C, but knowing James she’d go into every tiny detail about Christipoo’s pain and how Ana can’t go down on him anymore. So not C.
    Not B because James has a thing against about older women relationships. Booo, James!
    What is wrong with me? Of all the things I could boo James on, I choose this? (FourEyesFail)
    I’m going with A. That bitch.

    1. Ana being a bitchy bitch is usually a pretty safe bet. When Sad Pony read your essay, he made a deeeep sign, but not quite as deep as usual, which is how you can tell he likes it. He said, “This isn’t the most horrible one I’ve ever read. It doesn’t make me want to break my leg.” High praise!

  11. Do you think the 50 Shades editor committed suicide?

    1. If so, he did it on the first page. Impressive, James.

  12. Because it’s the dullest answer, it’s got to be A. B & C might be too interesting in the plot for this series.

    1. I had another thought in reference to one of the previous chapters where Ana was getting all squeamish about cleaning the toys that they’d used. Surely if you’re going to be squeamish about cleaning said items, you should be squeamish about using them in the first place? Or is that just me having too much common sense (and self respect, something which E.L. James clearly doesn’t like her female characters to have)?

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