I was bored, which is always a dangerous sign. I noticed that Speaker had reviewed the latest (and it had better be the last) Twilight movie. Without actually watching it. So I thought, hey, I’ll watch them ALL and see if they’re any different than her predictions. Yes, 50 Shades has destroyed my mind.
My children decided to help me, and I do believe their commentary is better than mine. I recorded it all – and I swear this stuff came out of their mouths. All they knew of this series was the little bits I’d told them about it. I identify them by the monikers Thing One or T1 (12 years old) and Thing Two or T2 (8 years old) Yeah, they’re young, but they had mature parental guidance. Snort. (They are not seeing that last movie. I’m not sure if I can.) Anyway, here we go.
(Producer Summit Entertainment screen comes up.)
T1: How dare you support these movies, Summit?
(Scene selection screen – Edward bounces around Bella. Both kids scream.)
T2: Twilight – farting dawwwwn!
(Deer in forest gets chased by something.)
T1: Nooooo, Jacob, don’t eat the deer! Runnnn!
(Bella whines her intro) (She and Charlie drive across bridge)
T2: Break, bridge, break!
(Bella walks in her room. There is a picture of a wolf on the wall.)
T2: Oooh, it’s a wolf. (Even they get forced foreshadowing)
T1: He’s wearin’ a wig, you can tell. “I’m not a werewolf, I’m not a werewolf!”
(Dad gives her pickup.)
T1: Perfect for Bella to drive into a tree!
(Bella drives to school. Other students stare at her.)
T1: Like, who is that really pale girl? Bella: “I’m so dramatic. I haven’t smiled in 15 years.”
(First admirer sees Bella and acts like a twit. Bella just stumbles around dazed.)
(Cut to Bella playing volleyball.)
Girls chant: Hit her in the head, hit her in the head – yayyy!
(Lunch time – Bella is introduced to other students at the lunch table.)
T1: Oh, are you kidding me? Everyone already loves her.
Bella: Who are they?
T1: The cheerleaders.
(Jasper looks like he’s gonna puke. Oh, goodie, it’s the Edward.)
T1: Why do they think he’s gorgeous? He’s so pale. Blech. Enough stinkin’ dramatic music.
(Bella enters science class and walks by the fan. Hair blows dramatically. We all laugh.)
(Lab partner Edward covers mouth. Looks like he’s about to hurl.)
T1: Hey, I’m not a vampire, I won’t bite you.
(That stare, oh LOL. I’d forgotten how ridiculous it was.)
T1: He has that ability to make people depressed by looking at them.
(Bella talking to Mom on phone.)
Mom: Oh, Bella I miss you too.
T1: No she doesn’t.
(Holy crap, Bella’s remembering Edward and then BAM, the Edward creeper stare out of nowhere! We all scream again. And laugh.)
(Bella is soooo sad at school the next few days. No Edward! “Sure everyone else in the school loves me, but waaaah.”)
(Vampires attack workmen.)
T1: Love the smell of workman blood in the mornin’.
T2: Call Buffy!
(Bella goes to school. Two boys flirt with her. First boy: “Hey, I’m still a loser here.”)
(Edward’s back in lab. Stutter, stutter, stutter conversation. )
Edward: “I was out of town, personal reasons.”
T1: Yeah, I was killing people.
T1: You can tell Edward has the IQ of a peanut.
T1: Shouldn’t they be, like, doing their work?
T1: Half of this movie is staring.
(They walk down the hall together. For God’s sake, Bella can’t get a sentence out. She notices his eye color has changed. She’s known him two days. I don’t know my husband’s eye color. We’ve been married 13 years.)
(Truck scene – Tyler’s van nearly hits Bella. Edward stops van with his face. Everyone sees, but no one notices Edward or the Edward shaped dent in the car.)
At doctor’s. Carlisle walks in.
T1: Nooo, he wants blood donations ahhhh!
(Vampires talk about Bella. Bella peeks around corner. “Hiii.”)
(Edward: No, you silly girl, I wasn’t across the parking lot” Okay, fine, but how did you push the van away with your face?)
(Bella sleeping. Wakes up, Edward standing there. T1 screams.)
T1: Is there a stalker in the house?
(Bella has dramatic flashbacks.)
T1: You’ve only known him for like a day. What?
(Mike begs her for a prom date. Bella stammers – she’s too busy staring at dorkface. They go on a field trip.)
Teacher: Have a steaming cup of compost tea.
Edward: We can’t be friends.
T1: It’s all stare, stare, stare, uh, uh, uh.
(Lunch: Edward catches the apple – oooh, it’s like the book cover.)
Edward: if you were smart, you’d not hang around me (so I’m going to keep hanging around you.)
Bella: Maybe I’m not smart. (I’ll go for that one.)
Bella: Why don’t we hang out?
T1: Worst decision ever.
(La Push beach. Bella milks Jacob for info.)
T1: I’m a werewolf. Wait, no!
Jacob: We’re like descended from wolves. (Explains treaty with Cold Ones.)
T1: Okay this is lame.
Jacob: It’s just a story.
T1: Yeah, like it’s not like they’re vampires.
(Vampires show up and attack fisherman guy.)
T1: Duck and cover!
(Bella Google searches.)
At some point, T2 got bored and started coloring. Don’t blame her.
(Bella asks to go with girls to Port Angelus not for friendship but to find out about Edward. Twit. She’s all alone, walking down dark alley. Stalkers. Hey, everybody loves Bella! Edward drives the Bat Volvo up – okay the rapists are smart enough to be scared, but not Bella. Edward escapes with Bella.)
T1: Talk about bad driving.
(Bella eats w/ Edward.)
Bella: Did you follow me?
T1: Duh, I’m a stalker.