50 Shades Flunked: Lesson 10
Wow, we’re back. Did you enjoy your Christmas (or whatever) vacations, boys and girls? Did you get lots of good toys? You know what I mean (wink, wink), hahahahahaha – oh shit, I hate these books.
But no one said school was supposed to be easy. No, it’s supposed to be hard. So hard. So hard you could etch glass, that’s how hard. It’s a new semester, and almost a new year, and we have like 500 chapters more to go of this book and wow I’m starting to wish we covered Moby Dick, aren’t you? Why the hell did he name that whale that? Is there something Melville knows that we don’t?
Anyway, speaking of classics, we return to 50 Shades of Shite. In case you’ve forgotten (I know I sure as hell tried to) last we left Ana-kins, she had disobeyed her master and peed all over the floor. I mean, she went out drinking with a friend. And she came back to find Jack Hyde tied up on the floor, which was weird, cause normally it’d be her tied up while Christian whacked her with a newspaper. And we wondered what Christian’s reaction to this intruder would be.
Well, he doesn’t shoot everybody (damn it), and he obviously doesn’t do something wacky like get better security. Which leaves B) he wants to beat the shit out of Ana. While I admit this is a natural reaction to meeting Ana, it seems an odd one considering the circumstances, but what do I know? Except that Barbara Walters said the writer of this crap-o-la was the one of the most fascinating people of 2012. Lesbiannextdoor brought us that terrible news, if you’ll recall:
“Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!”
If only, Les, if only. Have a bonus point. Okay, since we’re still here, let’s get to it. Right away, we find out Hyde isn’t dead, he just turned into Jekyll and got in through the service entrance. I can’t remember anyone doing that before oh wait yeah I do and her name was Leila. Awesome security there, dumbasses (facepalm). The Scooby team also hasn’t restrained him yet, cause they don’t have rope. Who could possibly have something like that OH I KNOW. Ana saves the day by producing cable ties (facepalm). Thank God she was there. I’m surprised she didn’t also bring handcuffs, a ballgag, and a buttplug just for funsies (facepalm).
We also find out that – dun dun dun – Jack had a gun! This is a huge shock cause how weird for a criminal to break in to an apartment while armed (facepalm). Then Ana says something oddly sensible, ie that they should call the fucking cops. She thinks hey she wasn’t there so she didn’t get kidnapped so maybe she won’t be in trouble. With her husband, not the guy that just broke in (RedFlag). Keep it straight, you guys.
Ana can’t reach Our Hero because he was madfaced and turned off his phone so theres Ana! (RedFlag) The detective comes and leaves (like who cares he’s not Christian, gawd) and Ana goes to bed. She wakes up to find Christian burning a hole into her skull with his eyeballs. (RedFlag) Ana asks if he’s still madfaced at her for going out and he says he is SO MAD so Ana crawls in his lap. (AnaFail, WTF) They cuddle, and he plays with her hair and whispers lovingly in her ear “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!) Gawd, that is so romantic.
Next morning Ana tries to sexytimes him (sexytimes), but he is still mad – at her – for not being there to be kidnapped by Jack. (RedFlag, facepalm) We get to hear Ana’s discussion with Mrs. Jones about what she wants for breakfast– it’s an omelet. With mushrooms and spinach. And cheese. I just thought you should know that, since James felt the need to point it out. (BoredNow) Ana asks Christian if she can take her own car (AnaFail) and nope, but Ana is just relieved he’s letting her go to work (AnaFail, RedFlag). What a guy. Christian is not too pissed to shove his tongue down Ana’s throat as a goodbye, before going back to being pissed again. (WTF, RedFlag)
Ana gets to work and just in time for more emails! (AliceScreams)
She wonders whether he came back because of the intruder or her having a drink. Lemmie think here. They email back and forth with this question (AliceScreams, BoredNow) and finally Ana tells him off in an email. Way to grow an online spine, Ana-kins! I’m sure this will have a positive effect on your reasonable husband (facepalm)
She meets with the detective again for like two sentences cause like who cares about that shit? (facepalm) Then she leaves work, having completed two Elmo pictures that both got smiley faces. Productive day. She gets home to find Christian in those pants (AliceScreams) – the ones from the playroom. Christian says, “Good to have you home. I’ve been waiting for you.” (RedFlag) Bwahahahahaha.
Final Score: 100 – 46 – 60 = -6
Next time, on the Dumb and the Brainless . . .
Christian sexytimes tortures Ana – again. And Ana has to yell the safeword, which is . . .
C)Feminism is dead
But WAIT, there’s more! Exciting times, you guyz. We have new students who may or may not know they’re students. Susan L Daniels and RoS, poets extraodinaire who I have led to the darkside of literature. Yay, me. Also, there has been an inbalance in the Force! Jill has assumed the lead, folks. It is neck and neck or “down there” and “down there” or . . . what the hell am I saying?
GiggsMcGill Jill 28 + 4 = 32
faithhopechocolate 29 + 2 = 31
Storkhunter 28 + 1 = 29
MissFourEyes 22 + 4 = 26
Speaker7 20 + 2 = 22
Ravinj 20 + 1 = 21
Carrie Rubin 19
Lesbiannextdoor 11 + 2 + 1 = 14
Love and Lunchmeat 9
Doggy’s Style 7 + 1 = 8
TAE 5 + 2 = 7
The Bumble Files 6
Angel Fractured 5
Ruby Tuesday 4
Jen and Tonic 4
Susan L Daniels 3
Lulu Stark 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
2012 in review – by WordPress
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 21,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 5 Film Festivals
Click here to see the complete report.
Wow, there are some awesome stats here. Best one? The search words used most in finding this blog. Never have I seen crackwhore mentioned so cheerfully in an annual report! Thanks everybody for tuning in anyway.
Check it, you guys! I am a DOODLE! And Sad Pony and Squirrel and the Things! Also check out Rarasaur’s site If you haven’t already. Many shades of awesome.
2012: A Year in Blog Posts
New Years Eve post – Resolutions are easier if you set standards low. Really low. (12/01/01)
Job Search Fun – I try for a new job at my old job (12/01/26)
Not sure what happened here. Maybe I slept.
The Big Red Atomic Dog – I start writing reviews of awful Children’s TV. In this one, I ponder how Clifford got so big (12/03/30)
Woman at the Well – I retell a random Bible story. Badly. (12/04/20)
Time Management! – This won’t help you. (12/05/07)
View from a Trampoline – I figure out I’m not 12 anymore (12/06/11)
You Suck: Helpful Advice for Writers – I dispense learnings from my writing class. (12/07/18)
Penguin’s Progress – How things don’t get done at a university or why I stay with my old job. My first post after my switch from blogger to WordPress– (2012/07/30)
50 Shades of Beating a Dead Horse – I decide to recap the 50 Shades series despite countless warnings and many others beating me to it. I am an idiot. (2012/08/06)
More 50SoG? Yes, No, Who invited you to the party? – I ponder whether to continue the series. And I give 50 SoG the psychopath test. Guess who passes with flying colors???? (2012/08/20)
50SoG Interviews Taylor: I start interviewing 50 Shades fictional characters. Speaker 7, her mind clearly blown by her recaps, links to me and I get semi-famous! (12/8/22)
Your Weekly Horoscope – I make up horoscope readings. I am still getting hits from people wanting actual readings. (12/09/07)
The Cool Table – my first post on Canvas of the Minds. (12/09/09)
Queen of the Mucus People – beginning of my series “Fun with Lung Disease” (12/09/30)
Curious Alice Visits the Hospital Part One – Pneumonia sucks. (12/10/02)
50 Shades Flunked: Back to School – I grade E.L. James on her third book. Not pretty. (12/10/15)
An Alice Halloween Special – Worship the Great Pumpkin at the patch of your choice. (12/10/31)
The Seneca Scourge by Carrie Rubin: A Review – There are still good books out there, you guys. (12/11/02)
My Hurricane Post (12/11/04) – My totally unhelpful reflection on Hurricane Sandy
Alice’s Inspiring Movember Post (12/11/06) – There’s a picture of male anatomy and a pumpkin with a mustache.
Alice’s Thanksgiving Special (12/11/22) – Pilgrims, Indians, Turkey, and Smallpox
Alice’s Press Release Blurbs (12/11/18) – You like me! You really like me!
Twilight Movie Recap Part One (12/11/30) – I review Twilight with my darling, snark-filled children.
Alice’s Letter to Santa (12/12/12) – Alice starts her blackmail campaign against Santa.
Alice’s Christmas Special (12/12/25) The story of Jesus and Santa.Wow, what a trip down that rabbit hole of memory lanes. Clearly, so much happened in 2012, as revealed in those blog posts that I’m sure you clicked on instead of skipping to the bottom. Like I applied for a job and got pneumonia and reviewed a bunch of awful books. Oh, and there was a hurricane. Let no one say Alice does not have a handle on news we can all appreciate. Or something. Make way for 2013.
Alice’s Christmas Special
Yay, it’s time for another Christmas special with Alice. Is it that time of year already? That time when everyone is happy, slappy with joy and the spirit of Macy’s and crap? Yes, yes it is! Am I going to ruin this lovely day for you just like I did Halloween and Thanksgiving? Most likely. Unless it’s ruined already. If so, settle on down and let me tell you a story.
The story of Christmas goes like this. Once upon a time, there was this couple who had to take the census but they lost the form so they had to go all the way across town to get another one. But they were totally on welfare, see, so all they had was this used donkey that was on its last leg. Literally, it just had one leg. Made travel difficult. Also, the girl, Mary, was preggers, and wanted to stop and pee for the 45th time that night. Her husband, Joseph, was all “Like, we’re almost there, jeez” but he stopped anyway because you don’t mess with hormones.
They tried to get a room at the inn, but the innkeeper was like, crap, it’s Christmas, like I have any rooms? (buh-dum-dum!) Then Mary had to go into labor, because babies always pick the most convenient times to be born. So Joseph, being a man, decided they’d just deliver the baby in that sterile barn over there. And Mary said, “Are you freaking kidding?” But like, the nearest hospital was like, a long way away and the one-legged donkey was dead so they went to the barn.
Fortunately, there was a cow that happened to be a super good midwife, so Mary managed to deliver the baby with only the usual amount of horrific pain and screaming. This was a memory she treasured up in her heart, for who wouldn’t want to remember giving birth while a dirty sheep bleated in your ear? So they had this baby boy, but he wasn’t any ordinary boy, he was the son of God. That’s how the story goes, shut up. But even being a special baby, the cow still charged them for the lowing and the innkeeper said they had to pay him up front for use of the barn and they didn’t have insurance so they weren’t gonna get to stay much longer. That’s the breaks.
Anyway, they named him Jesus, and Joseph like tweeted the news out to the land, and people started showing up with presents and stuff. There was gold, and incense, and Frankenstein – I’m not sure why he decided to come. But no one brought baby wipes or Huggies, because that might have actually helped Mary out some. Some obnoxious kid came with his drum and played until they kicked him out. And Mary said to Joseph, “We will never buy Jesus a drum. Ever.”
Then Santa Claus landed his sleigh on the roof of the manger, and Joseph said, “You are not part of this story.” And Santa said, “Look, I brought you guys the diaper genie.” And Mary said Santa was okay with her. So he got to stay.
So anyway, all this happened on Christmas Day, which is why we celebrate Christmas by buying each other lots of expensive, useless crap in remembrance of the Wise Men and Santa and their gifts. Oh, and Jesus too, because he grew up and did some cool stuff before we were jerks and killed him. But that’s another story. I’ll save it and mess up your Easter.
Now that you’ve heard the story, I’ll leave you with this picture of Thing Two’s gingerbread house. She said, and I quote, “I ran out of licorice for the “Keep Out” sign. And it looks like a homeless guy’s house. Best I could do.”
50 Shades of Christmas
Yeah, I know, I’m on a break. But I just couldn’t let Christmas go by without destroying it with more 50 Shades crap. You know that awful 12 days of Christmas song with the partridge and the slave giveaways? Thing One pointed out that he’s giving this girl maids and drummers and whatnot. Good point. Anyway, I was listening to it – involuntarily – and pondered in my heart what Christian might give to Ana for the 12 days of Christmas. And here it is. You’re welcome.
On the first day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . a buttplug for her tushy.
On the second day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . two nipple clamps
On the third day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . three leather floggers
On the fourth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . four sets of handcuffs
On the fifth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . FIVE HARD SPANKINGS!
On the sixth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . six force fed meals
On the seventh day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . seven cable ties
On the eighth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . eight yards of duct tape
On the ninth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . nine gallons of booze
On the tenth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . ten idle threats
On the eleventh day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . 11 hours of boinking
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . 12 dumb emails, 11 hours of boinking, ten idle threats, nine gallons of booze, eight yards of duct tape, seven cable ties, six whips and chains . . .
FIVE HARD SPANKINGSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
four sets of handcuffs, three leather floggers, two nipples clamps and (sing it with me) a buttplug for her tushy!
Aw, that Christi-poo! Always thinking of Ana and how to better
control love her. I bet all of you have a Christian on your Xmas list, amIright? I know I do. So I can beat the shit out of him.
You might be wondering when I’m getting back to Fifty Shades Flunked, er, Freed recaps. In a year. Which is actually pretty close (sadly). Class will start up again next Monday. Wheeee! I’ve read ahead a little and wow, just wow, you won’t even . . . I just, it’s gonna be something. Yeah. Something.
Tomorrow I have a Christmas special. Cause I can’t go without a Christmas special when there was a Halloween and a Thanksgiving one, I mean, it’s expected. Not really, but what the hell. See you then, unless you’re stuck with your family or something
horrible lovely like that. If so, Merry Freakin’ Christmas (or Chaka Khan or whatever, it doesn’t matter if it’s not Christmas, you know).
Popped in just to promote C4C again – Panda is being nice, you guyz. Check it!
Hi All. C4C goes live in two days! One last push folks.
If you haven’t done this already – PLEASE retweet. It’s for a good cause, costs nothing, takes seconds and could make a massive difference 🙂 You don’t have to follow C4C, or even care who we are – just PRESS MY BUTTON!! You’d have to be SO COLD not to 😈
This hopeful idea has already done so much. So many wonderful bloggers have offered time, advice, re-blogs… the C4C badge is dotted around the blog-o-sphere and…
We have FULL 12 HOUR COVERAGE for the USA!! – 9 hours for Europe and 10 for Canada and Australia. Basically you people are AWESOME!!
No matter what happens on the 25th, you bloggers…
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Hey, all. Yeah, I said that was my last post, but this is my really last post – for a while anyway. Panda over at Rule of Stupid came up with this idea for having a blog place to go for people alone at Christmas. I think it’s a worthwhile idea. Check it out, and maybe volunteer. If you can’t, just spread the word. Thanks.
I’ve been advised by my medical team that my Blog changes direction so often and so quickly that I should provide neck-braces! I can’t afford them, so I can only beg: please don’t sue me for whiplash. I am very poor!
This is not love poetry, political spleen or ridiculous advice on writing, criminality or homelessness. This is my other arm (yes, I have unusual jumpers) known as Company for Christmas.
I’m trying to do something lovely for people who will find themselves alone this Christmas. It requires no money and only a fraction of your time! It may even earn you some Blog traffic.
You can help by simply reblogging this post. Job done.
If you want, you can also read this post and offer advice, thoughts or even volunteer to help out. No matter what, it can be as little as ten minutes.
View original post 400 more words
Tidings of Joy . . . or something
Good news! Santa decided to settle out of court. Rudolf has been safely returned so that he can fulfill his duties dragging Santa’s butt all over the freaking planet. Lucky Rudolf. And lucky Alice, for she has started getting presents from years past! Today I got a My Little Pony from the 1980s. You know, back when the ponies at least sort of resembled real ponies, if said ponies were purple with flowers on their butts.
Santa wasn’t the only one giving gifts. Alice was also awarded a brand new award by thelesbiannextdoor. It is top notch stuff, you guyz. Check it out.
I am supposed to list 2 or 5 or 10 fascinating facts about myself. Prepare to be fascinated, folks. Unless I’ve told you this already. Then pretend.
1. Alice has multiple degrees. No really. She has a BA in English, an MA in English, and an MLS (which means the queen of libraries or something). Irritatingly enough, these degrees do not add up to one PHD. And so far, no one has called her Master. Irritating.
2. Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job. Even though she spent years making up crap about Moby Dick. Life is not fair.
Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to come up with my own award. I guess it is Christmas, so I should give you something. Close your eyes. Keep them closed. You’ll be much happier.
I told you to keep them closed. Okay, look, I’m hoping for Photoshop for Christmas, because my paint program sucks. You’ll have to accept the Christmas freaking spirit instead. Don’t spend it all in one place.
Finally, Alice announces that she is taking a Christmas vacation. She’s not going anywhere (of course), but she is taking a break from blogging. For realz this time. This is my Christmas present to myself (and probably to you as well). Happy Freaking Holidays, whichever ones you are
forced to endure lucky enough to celebrate!
Presents of Spam from E.L. James
So I was
obsessing thinking about E.L. James again, and wondering what else she was up to these days. Then I read Miss Four Eyes’ blog post about spam and decided to check my own folder. As it turns out, James is spamming my blog. Though she used sneaky pseudonyms, I’m pretty sure it’s her. Who else has such a way with words? Observe.
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It’s true, I do write about stuff. I’m sure I’ll post more stuff like these really soon. Thanks.
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I always love to hear about people seeking forward to reading. But I’m not sure I should operate, as I don’t have one of those degree thingys.
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I’m thinking this is in another language. Like possibly Klingon. I did recognize a couple words in there. Like direct. I wonder what she’s trying to sell me.
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Who knew James was a poet?
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Me too! That is SO annoying when people consider worries they don’t realize they’re having. But at least I hit the nail without any side effects, like thumb breakage.
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I’m beginning to think James doesn’t really read my blog.
Well, that’s all for now. It was so nice of James to leave me all those comments, when I haven’t left her one! I did see that I could
bother follow her on Twitter. I’m sure she has much interesting light in which we can observe the reality. I am seeking forward to hearing from her soon.