Okay, we’re back for more punishment. Hooray. Somehow I roped the kids into joining me again. I hope I’m not damaging them for life.
When last we left our dynamic duo they were eating their exciting meal after Edward rescued stupid Bella from guys who want to kill her. Of course, he wants to kill her, yet he’s very protective of her. Whatever. Here we go.
(Bella and Edward drive away from the restaurant.)
Bella: Your hand is so cold.
T1: Well, yeah, he’s a blood sucking demon.
(They stop at police station. Carlisle says fisher guy killed by vampires. Charlie is sadfaced. He’s too good an actor for this show.)
(He gives Bella mace.)
T2: Dad, this is a flashlight.
(Dramatic stare flashbacks!)
T1: That stare. I’m gonna have nightmares.
(Bella does research in her book. And on Google. Ooh, excitement. He’s strong and cold and strong and cold. OH I GET IT!)
T1: Bella’s still approaching him. Shouldn’t she be running? Oh, love the dramatic music.
(She walks away and Edward follows her. Forest scene.)
T2: Stalkiiiing Bellaaaa.
Bella: Your skin is so pale.
T1: So is yours.
(Camera spins. We’re getting sick.)
Edward: Say it.
Me: You’re a really bad actor!
T2: You’re an orangutang!
Edward: You need to see what I look like in the sunlight.
(Oh, boy. They fly off piggyback style. The girls dance around like ponies.)
T2: It’s like Yoda ridin’ on Luke!
Edward sparkles: This is the skin of a killer.
(We laugh. Edward leaps around like a goof.)
Edward: I’ve killed people before.
Bella: It doesn’t matter.
T1: What? Just because he’s hot?
Edward: you’re like my own personal brand of heroin.
Me: That’s so hotttt!
(Bella gets close, like kissing close. Forced romantic crap.)
T2: Mommy, now I’m scared.
Edward: “The lion fell in love with the lamb.”
T1: Man, you’re pathetic, Edward.
(They lie in the meadow.)
(Camera spins around them. They want to make you sick, I guess.)
T2: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!
T1: Why didn’t they see him sparkle, like earlier, in the class?
T2: He wasn’t in the sunlight.
T1: But there was sunlight! Oh, whatever. Vampires sparkle?
Bella: I’m in love with Edward.
Girls and me: What?
(Edward and Bella walk in to school together – everyone stares. We be so cooool.)
T1: So – what you’re only in love with him since you found out he was a blood-sucking vampire?
(Edward makes creepy talk.)
T1: Uh, like, stop talkin’ bout my blood that way.
Me: Edward talks like he’s about to barfffff. All the time.
T1: Does vampire vomit look like blood?
Me: I bet it sparkles.
T2: Like Edward!
T1: Shouldn’t she be worried her father wouldn’t approve of a blood sucker that would kill her?
(Jacob shows up. Edward beats cheeks. Dad brings Jacob’s dad up the stairs in wheelchair. Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump. Dude, get a ramp.)
T1: So like a typical date for them is lying around staring?
(Edward takes Bella to meet the family.)
T1: They’re so quiet I have to turn the volume up to 40. Ugh.
(Eddie’s family cooks a meal. They talk about how stuff might end badly.)
Bella: Badly as in I would become the meal.
(Jasper looks like he left his hanger in his shirt. Edward shows all the grad hats.)
Me: You have eternal life and you choose to spend it in public school?
Edward: I don’t sleep ever.
Me: Nah, I just watch you. Edward you are so cold – could I freeze ice cream on you?
T1: Just drink her blood already will you?
Bella: I’m not scared of you.
(He flies out the window with her.)
T1: You could tell they were on a cable. Piggyback rides! Terrible effects.
(They climb like Spiderman! Hang in a tree.)
T2: See he IS an orangutang.
(Edward plays dramatic piano.)
T1: This is just a rip off.
Me: Of what?
T1: I don’t know. Like a piano in a music video.
Mike: I don’t get it. He looks at you like you’re something to eat.
(Girls and I laugh)
(Dad talks to Bella. Kid shaking butt in background. What?)
Dad: You should be around people.
Me: Yeah, Bella doesn’t like people.
(Bella talking to mom in her bedroom.)
Mom: Is he a jock?
T1: No, MOM, he’s a stalker!
(Edward tries to kiss her.)
Edward: I’m going to try something.
T1: You don’t know how kissing works?
T1: Ew is he kissing her nose? This is the slowest kiss ever.
T2: Oh, no, they’re doing it again.
(Kids freak out and try to hide in the couch.)
(Edward lays there and watches Bella sleep.)
Me: Hey, Eddie, mark on her face.
T2: Draw a peanut on her forehead.
(Bella prepares to introduce Dad to Edward. Dad cocks gun.)
Me: I like the Dad.