Twilight Movie Recap: Part Two

Okay, we’re back for more punishment.  Hooray.  Somehow I roped the kids into joining me again. I hope I’m not damaging them for life.
When last we left our dynamic duo they were eating their exciting meal after Edward rescued stupid Bella from guys who want to kill her.  Of course, he wants to kill her, yet he’s very protective of her.  Whatever.  Here we go.

Thing One’s Twilight Interpretation. Too good not to use twice.

(Bella and Edward drive away from the restaurant.)

Bella: Your hand is so cold.

T1: Well, yeah, he’s a blood sucking demon.

(They stop at police station. Carlisle says fisher guy killed by vampires.  Charlie is sadfaced.  He’s too good an actor for this show.)

(He gives Bella mace.)

T2: Dad, this is a flashlight.

(Dramatic stare flashbacks!)

T1: That stare.  I’m gonna have nightmares.

(Bella does research in her book.  And on Google.  Ooh, excitement.  He’s strong and cold and strong and cold.  OH I GET IT!)

(At school)

T1: Bella’s still approaching him.  Shouldn’t she be running?  Oh, love the dramatic music.

(She walks away and Edward follows her.  Forest scene.)

Edward: What am I? Bella: A freak?

Edward: What am I?
Bella: A freak?

T2: Stalkiiiing Bellaaaa.

Bella: Your skin is so pale.

T1: So is yours.

(Camera spins.  We’re getting sick.)

Edward: Say it.

Me: You’re a really bad actor!

T2: You’re an orangutang!

Edward: You need to see what I look like in the sunlight.

(Oh, boy.  They fly off piggyback style.  The girls dance around like ponies.)

T2: It’s like Yoda ridin’ on Luke!

Edward sparkles: This is the skin of a killer.

The skin of a killer . . . a sparkly killer!

The skin of a killer . . . a sparkly killer!

(We laugh.  Edward leaps around like a goof.)

T2: Spark-a-lyyyy!

Edward: I’ve killed people before.

Bella: It doesn’t matter.

T1: What?  Just because he’s hot?

Edward: you’re like my own personal brand of heroin.

Me: That’s so hotttt!

(Bella gets close, like kissing close. Forced romantic crap.)

T2: Mommy, now I’m scared.

Edward: “The lion fell in love with the lamb.”

Me: Barrf.

T1: Man, you’re pathetic, Edward.

(They lie in the meadow.)

Bella, do you ever feel . . . not so fresh?

Bella, do you ever feel . . . not so fresh?

(Camera spins around them.  They want to make you sick, I guess.)

T2: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

T1: Why didn’t they see him sparkle, like earlier, in the class?

T2: He wasn’t in the sunlight.

T1: But there was sunlight!  Oh, whatever.  Vampires sparkle?

Bella: I’m in love with Edward.

Girls and me: What?

(Edward and Bella walk in to school together – everyone stares.  We be so cooool.)

T1: So – what you’re only in love with him since you found out he was a blood-sucking vampire?

(Edward makes creepy talk.)

T1: Uh, like, stop talkin’ bout my blood that way.

Me: Edward talks like he’s about to barfffff.  All the time.

T1: Does vampire vomit look like blood?

Me: I bet it sparkles.

T2: Like Edward!

T1: Shouldn’t she be worried her father wouldn’t approve of a blood sucker that would kill her?

(Jacob shows up.  Edward beats cheeks. Dad brings Jacob’s dad up the stairs in wheelchair.  Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump.  Dude, get a ramp.)

T1: So like a typical date for them is lying around staring?

(Edward takes Bella to meet the family.)

T1: They’re so quiet I have to turn the volume up to 40.  Ugh.

(Eddie’s family cooks a meal.  They talk about how stuff might end badly.)

Hey, no putting my girlfriend on the menu!

Hey, no putting my girlfriend on the menu!

Bella: Badly as in I would become the meal.

Me: Awwwkward.

(Jasper looks like he left his hanger in his shirt.  Edward shows all the grad hats.)

Me: You have eternal life and you choose to spend it in public school?

Edward: I don’t sleep ever.

Me: Nah, I just watch you.  Edward you are so cold – could I freeze ice cream on you?

(They dance.)

T1: Just drink her blood already will you?

Bella: I’m not scared of you.

(He flies out the window with her.)

T1: You could tell they were on a cable. Piggyback rides!  Terrible effects.

(They climb like Spiderman!  Hang in a tree.)

T2: See he IS an orangutang.

(Edward plays dramatic piano.)

T1: This is just a rip off.

Me: Of what?

T1: I don’t know.  Like a piano in a music video.

Wait . . . they actually wrote notes for this thing . . . of course they did.

Wait . . . they actually wrote notes for this thing . . . of course they did.

(At school)

Mike: I don’t get it.  He looks at you like you’re something to eat.

(Girls and I laugh)

(Dad talks to Bella.  Kid  shaking butt in background.  What?)

Dad: You should be around people.

Me: Yeah, Bella doesn’t like people.

(Bella talking to mom in her bedroom.)

Mom: Is he a jock?

(Edward appears.)

T1: No, MOM, he’s a stalker!

(Edward tries to kiss her.)

Edward: I’m going to try something.

T1: You don’t know how kissing works?

T1: Ew is he kissing her nose?  This is the slowest kiss ever.

T2: Oh, no, they’re doing it again.

(Kids freak out and try to hide in the couch.)

(Edward lays there and watches Bella sleep.)

Me: Hey, Eddie, mark on her face.

T2: Draw a peanut on her forehead.

(Bella prepares to introduce Dad to Edward.  Dad cocks gun.)

Me: I like the Dad.

End Part Two.  Stay tuned for more non-action and expert commentary from children and one immature adult!
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24 responses

  1. *Speaker7 dramatically stares at her computer screen for 10 seconds*

    This movie seems…good?

    1. It has the fab actors RPattz and KStew and it’s written by Meyer and some director . . . it MUST be good.

  2. Excellent point about the ramp. Pretty sure I’d put one on my house if my best (and possibly only) friend was wheelchair-bound. I’d like Charlie better if he wasn’t so hopelessly and perpetually clueless.

    1. Yeah, you would think. He is clueless. There’s a stalker guy asleep in your daughter’s bedroom, dude. I wish he’d plugged Edward first thing.

  3. Oh, brilliant! I’m more and more in love with your kids the more I read! I’m never going to be able to watch these films with a straight face again.

    Incidently, I watched Twilight with the actors’ commentary on it, and the scene where Bella gets the truck and Jake tells her you have to double-pump the clutch, and Kristen then says “I have no idea what that means” made me go all “what on earth? If you can drive a car, then surely you know how to change gear, right? You stupid idiot of an actor!”

    1. Lol, I’m not surprised. They are smart enough to know the movie is moronic, but they stayed to rake in the dough anyway. There was even footage of them saying the movie was stupid, the lines were stupid, the characters were pathetic. They knew no one could fire them at that point – to the fangirls they WERE Edward and Bella. Snort.

      Thanks for the compliment. The kids are eating this up. I might never shut them up now.

      1. Oh dear, you’ve created two little monsters of your own now!! In the nicest possible way. Maybe they should get their own blogs, under the monikers of Thing One and Thing Two?

        1. They have suggested this – yup, monsters. Lol.

          1. I’d follow them if they did!

  4. When the first movie came out and my friend and I were engulfed in the hype (we were working in a big office with lots of girls at the time), we decided to watch it, just to be able to converse (or have a real basis to talk shit about the others…). We ended up laughing throughout the whole movie; it was like watching an accidental comedy, which made it all the more hilarious. The second movie then was just sad crap, and I had to brachiate through it by waiting for Lautner’s abs to show up on screen…

    1. It IS. I mean, you don’t even have to try hard to make fun of it. Edward’s so-called romantic stare – it’s just comically freaky. I fail to see the romance of it. And though the actor is a nice looking guy, painting him white and sparkly doesn’t make him look sexy. It makes him look femmy. Which is fine if he’s supposed to, but he’s supposed to be the ultimate heterosexual male. Not getting it.

      1. Well, that’s where the OCD behavior kicks in I guess…

      2. There’s an episode of iCarly where they do a spoof of Twilight called Moonlight Twiblood (or something like that), and girls start swooning over Freddie because he puts on that stupid pout and does a “sexy” voice. At first he enjoys the attention, then decides it’s unbearably stupid that a pouty expression would make that much difference in whether girls like him.

  5. Woo hoo, Dad! He should’ve just tried to shoot him in the first movie. Wouldn’t have killed Eddie but the whole series would have taken a much better turn, don’t you think? ……No. It’s Eddie and Bella, they can make everything worse than it should be.

    1. True. Honestly, some of the concepts in the movie are not that bad – the werewolves based off that Native American legend, etc – the concept is cool. But her characterization is so awful that everything else doesn’t even have a shot. Then you get James who doesn’t even understand concepts. Or English. Or humans.

  6. I can’t believe you guys missed the, “Cling to me Spidermonkey” line!

    1. Does he say that? I don’t know. The girls talk over the whole movie so you can’t always hear them (not that this is that big a problem). I swear, the lines in this movie are so dumb. I actually read the book and it was like cotton candy and I didn’t think much of it. But coming out of the actors mouths – you can almost see the actors laughing at their lines. I think that’s why Edward looks like he’s in pain. He’s trying not to laugh when he has to say “This is the skin of a killer” as he sparkles.

      1. Haha! You’re probably right – or he looks like he’s in pain cause he’s been a little constipated during filming…

        But there actually is a moment – when she jumps on his back, where he turns to her and declares: Cling to me spidermonkey!

        1. Now I HAVE to see if I can find a clip of that.

          1. I tried youtube and couldn’t find it… which made me sadder than sad pony…

  7. “Mommy I’m scared now.” Me too T2, me too.

    1. Yeah, I thought it was funny she only got scared at the romantic parts. The “scary” parts were hilarious.

  8. Sparkling vampire vomit. Worst cocktail ever.

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