Twilight Movie Recap Part Three:

When last we left our moronic duo, Bella was ready to introduce her Dad to her bloodsucking boyfriend.  He had cocked his gun.  Good move, Charlie.
Here, at last, is the conclusion to our Twilight movie recap, starring Thing One and Thing Two, one more time.
T2's somewhat abstract vision of the Ballet Studio scene

T2’s somewhat abstract vision of the Ballet Studio scene.
Note that they are all wearing tutus, even Edward.

Edward: Bella’s gonna play baseball with my family.

Dad: Bella’s gonna play baseball?

Me: Yup.  With vampires.

Dad: Bring the pepper spray.

All of us: Woot!

(It’s the vampire baseball scene, folks.  They show up in their stupid uniforms.)

T1: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.

(Edward and Edmund smash into each other.)

All of us: Huggies!

(Mean vampires show up.)

T1:  Look!  Cool vampires!

(They slink over to our baseball morons.)

T1: I’m too sexyyy for my fangs.

Me: Hey, vampires come in Jamaican.

(Here comes the wind!  Bella’s hair blows again.  Vampires hiss like alley cats!  It’s like West Side story!  Look out, they’re gonna dance fight!)

Yeah, we bad, we bad . .

Yeah, we bad, we bad . .

T1: Yes.  This is like so epic.  Where are their fangs?  Are they going to gnaw each other to death?

(They talk to each other.  Blah, blah.  Scary eye war.  Then the mean vampires just . . . walk away?)

Me: Why’d they leave?

T1: They had a perfect chance!

(Edward and Bella driving wildly.)

Bella:  I  have to see my dad.

Me: And get him killed!  Excellent decision!

(Go to Dad’s house.)

(Bella is a real witch to her Dad.  Where are the mean vampires?)

T1: Come on, vampires, do it!

T1: Good one Bella – get dad killed AND hurt his feelings.

T1: Why didn’t the vampire attack her father?  How does Bella have enough blood for anybody?  She’s too pale.

(Meanwhile, back at vamp headquarters.)

Carlisle: Rosalie, we must help Bella.  She is part of this family now.

T1: Yeah she’s so special.

Me: Rosalie’s the only one who doesn’t want to risk her life for one mortal.  She’s the only smart one, but she’s the jerk.

Seriously?  I hate this family.

Seriously? I hate this family.

T1: There is an ENTIRE TOWN of people.  He goes after Bella?

(Alice has a fast forwarded vision.  Girls imitate wacky running motions.)

(They go to a hotel.  This is so exciting.)

T1:  What’s on TV?  Vampire weekly!

(James calls Bella and tries to lure her out with a recording of her mom.  Tells her not to take her vampire friends.)

Me: How stupid are ya feelin’ Bella?  It’s not like this evil vampire will lie.

(Ballet Studio where James waits.  Oh, oh, turns out it’s not her mom, it’s a home video recording of her mom talking to little Bella, who was a brat even then.)

Me: She can’t tell her mom’s real voice from a home movie?  So James went to her house, looked thru her whole home video collection, found this, found a VCR, put it in, took it to the abandoned studio, set it up, called Bella- that’s a lot of work for a meal.

(James knocks Bella across room.)

T2: Finally!

(James decides to film Bella’s butt whooping.)

This is so going on Youtube Poops.

This is so going on Youtube Poops.

T1: What, is he gonna post it on youtube?

(The Edward is here.  He and James fight and fly into mirrors.)

T1: 7 years of bad luck.  14 years of bad luck . . .

T2 runs out of the room.  Runs back in.  She’s not scared, just bored.

(Carlisle stops Edward.)

Me: Eddykins looks wacky!  But I was likin’ the punchin and stuff!

(James bit Bella.  She’s flopping around on the ground like a fish.  Carlisle tells Edward to suck the venom out of the bite.)

Me:  Why doesn’t Carlisle do it?  You know, the trained medical doctor?

(Background – they are tearing apart James and putting him in the fire)

Me: Throw another vamp leg on the fire!

(Eddy sucks on Bella’s arm like a doggie with a bone.  LOL.)

Nom, nom, nom . . .

Nom, nom, nom . . .

T1: How romantic.

(Carlisle has to force Edward to stop since he has no control.  Um, yeah, that would be why Carlisle should have done it.)

(Bella wakes up in hospital.)

Mom: You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.

Me: Yeah, that’s impressive to do by yourself.

Bella: I want to stay in Forks!

Me: Suddenly she wants to be in Forks!  So she broke her dad’s heart for noth-ing.

Edward: You’re in here because of me.

Me: Yup, that’s true.

T1: Moral of story: Don’t date a vampire.

(Bella stutters when Edward tries to break up with her).

T2: Blup, blurp, pluck, urppp. . .

(They are being romantic.  Bella pleads for him to not leeeave her.)

T2: I’m scarrrred.

(Bella gets out of hospital with a giant cast on her leg.  Somehow she can walk without any crutches already.  Eddie and Bella leave for prom.  Dad gives a little speech to her.)

T1:  Oh, and don’t date vampires.

(Jacob shows up.  He looks like a Pert Plus commercial.)

T1: Like my new conditioner?

T2: I went to the wolf salon.

(Edward and Jacob mean stare at each other).

T1: Awk-ward

(Edward and Bella leave prom quickly.)

Oh, yeah, this totally happened at a tiny, small town school.

Oh, yeah, this totally happened at a tiny, small town school.

T1: They can’t stand people.

(They dance in the pavilion.   What?  This gorgeous prom in small town Forks?  Mine was in a smelly gym.  They have an ice sculpture.  An ice sculpture?)

(Bella begs him to make her a vampire.)

Me: Come on, doooo it, dooo it.

T2: He’s sparkling arghh!

T1 is hitting herself in the forehead over and over.

Me: End, end, end!

(Girl vampire crashes prom.  And yet does NOTHING.)

The End: Creeper stare!

We made it through.  Only . . . four more movies to go.  Crap.

23 responses

  1. Your kids are endlessly entertaining (which of course they get from you). I hope they stick it out for as long as you deem appropriate.

    1. Aw, thank you, Ruby. I had originally just intended on doing this myself – it was sort of a happy accident that they started doing their own bits that cracked me up. Now they want to act it out with Barbies – one of which they will cover with sparkly lotion.

      1. Oh my God, I’m in hysterics already at the prospect!

        1. There may be no stopping them now.

  2. The vampire baseball game, which I believe pops up on page 848 in the book, is the greatest plot device in the history of stupid. However, it’s not as good as cutting the brakes on a helicopter.

    1. Like how James topped that exciting truck nearly hitting Bella scene with the bicycle nearly hitting Ana. Not that these stupid events were alike AT ALL.

  3. Can I make T1 & T2 like my honorary god children or something? They’re so good at seeing through all the rubbish! I swear, I’m never going to be able to watch Twilight again without curling up into a hysterical ball of mirth.

    What do they think of films like Shrek?

    1. They like them. I think the first one will always be the best. After a while, they started to become what they made fun of, you know what I mean? And aw, they’d love a honorary god parent. There’s always room for more. 😀

      1. I think Shrek is one of those films that you’re kind of meant to make fun of – it doesn’t take itself too seriously, unlike, say, Twilight! Plus, the more you watch Shrek, the more of the jokes you get that you didn’t see the first (six million) times round. Whereas the more you watch Twilight, the more you want to find Stephanie Meyer and beat her with a rolling pin.

        1. True. First reading of Twilight I went, huh, fluff, okay. Then came New Moon. Teenage angst, yeah, okay been there (Though he wasn’t a blood-sucking demon. Technically.) At this point she wasn’t wildly famous with the fan girls and crap. She had this cotton candy style of writing, so you can read 200 pages in the first couple books, look back and go, what did I read? Eh, whatever. There was a group of us reading these books at work, so it was something to discuss at least.

          Then Eclipse and WAIT A MINUTE wtf have I been reading? And I glance back and it’s been there all along. Stalking, creeper-ness, etc. Eclipse was what started the hate in me for those idiot books. Also, she completely ruined Jacob, the only likable character, just so people would root for Edward, but then it was like choosing between political candidates when you can’t stand either. And Breaking Dawn was just – I never completely read it. There was skimming going on by the end. But mostly WTF, no I mean, WTF, seriously WTF????

          And the movie just clarifies the nothing that is in the books, and makes me feel even dumber for reading the books in the first place, and actually somewhat enjoying the first couple. Shame. Shame, Alice, shame.

          Oh, but Shrek, yes I love Shrek. Though I truly hope they’ve quit making the movies. The jokes started wearing thin after a while. My favorite is the first movie, esp where Fiona sings and the bird explodes. Crap that was a long comment.

          1. It’s your blog and you can write an essay as a comment if you want to!

            Yeah, Shrek is good but it’s time that they stopped before it gets bad. I also love the Fiona vs Bird sing-a-long – then you cut to her cooking eggs for breakfast! Plus I think that Fiona is a pretty good role model for girls – once she’s changed, that is.

  4. I want to hear T2 do a recap of Star Wars. Have you let her watch Episode III yet? The Episode II romance sequences have got to be priceless when she interprets them.

    1. Oh, yes, they’ve seen all the Star Wars – more than once. The romance sequences are funny – no Anakin we cannot be together which is why I am here in my leather in front of a roaring fire with you. Lol. Still – both eye candy. I so didn’t care what they were saying.

  5. “I’m too sexy for my fangs,” and “7 years of bad luck… 14 years of bad luck,” had me in stitches. I think you should rent your daughter’s out to do a special directors cut type commentary on all new releases.
    I learned everything I need to know about America’s greatest pasttime from this movie. I just don’t get the hype 🙂

    1. That would be fun to do. Have you ever listened to rifftrax or MST3K? They talk over movies and are sooo funny. They have some good Twilight clips on youtube.

      And oh noooos Vampire Baseball is not regular baseball, noooooo. I actually LIKE baseball, you stoopid Meyer.

  6. This was great. If you get tired of vampire movies, you should recap Titanic.

    1. Talk about a movie that’s just asking for it.

  7. Haha! Your kids have a bright future as movie critics. I would listen to their recommendations, and theirs alone

    1. Thing One and Two now have egos to rival The Clown’s.

  8. There is only one thing to like about the Twilight movies. Finally after decades of spray tans and all that crap being popular, it’s cool to be pale again. And occasionally a good song will pop up from one of their soundtracks. Otherwise, MEH! I can’t even be bothered with that stuff until the ballerina princess monster is a little older.

    1. Yes, I have often been griped at for being too pale. It’s called being Caucasian, people.

  9. Unrelated question: Why are vampires so picky when picking their victims? Zombies aren’t picky at all. They just wanna eat your brains.

    1. No kidding. I hadn’t thought much about it before, but Thing One was right. There was a whole TOWN of people. Eat them all. Who would care? It’s Forks for crying out loud.

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