50 Shades Flunked Lesson Eight

Stupid, fucking book.  Oh, hi, didn’t know you were there.  Isn’t this a stupid, fucking book?  That could be every one of my recaps.  This is a stupid, fucking book.  And I bet I am going to get some awesome search terms after this.

Stupid fucking book . . . hey, I get 50 Shades every time! Also sexy pony pics!

You know how last time I was all pissed because Christian was being an abusive asshole?  Well, this chapter Ana takes over the bitch role.  God, they deserve each other.  So the answer to our last question was obviously A) Ana bitched a bitchfest.  Hooray.  There were many excellent comments, but for incredible enthusiasm, not to mention going above and beyond the call of  sanity, I have to award the bonus point to GiggsMcGill Jill this time.   She proposed a love story to rival Ana and Christian.

“Your next project: Amor Under the Sea
Protagonists/love couple: Spongebob and Dora
Antagonists/bad couple: Swiper and Squidword”

Now that you’ve got that muy disturbiano vision in your head, you’re all set up for the recap.  We start off with a detailed description of the sexy realtor. (BoredNow)  Really, James?  She will spend countless hours describing stupid shit no one cares about.  She’s a fucking realtor, not a main character. (WTF) Ana and Sexy Realtor start sizing each other up like female cats in heat. (FacePalm, AnaFail)  To let her know Christian is all HERS, Ana squeezes his ass right in front of her. (AnaFail).  As she gets their wine, cause it’s been like ten minutes since they had alcohol (AliceScreams), she thinks “He’s mine.  Yeah, bitch, mine.” (AnaFail)  Maybe Ana should just say that out loud and grab Christian’s crotch.  That would send a message.  Also, I’d enjoy it, especially if she really crushed his balls in the process.  Win, win situation.

I’m guessing this is her mouse pad.

So Ana keeps on about how this Sexy Realtor is “eye-fucking” her husband, and this annoys her, so she decides to grow a spine.  Not with Christian, with the realtor, naturally.  When Christian leaves for a moment, Ana says “But I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as you keep your hands off my husband.” (FacePalm, AnaFail)  Meowwww, hisssss!  Get her girlfriend!  You go girl!  This is like just like that time on Jerry Springer when the crack hos were fightin’ over that deadbeat pimp.  Ah, memories.

Ana and Sexy Realtor Get Real!

Then there’s this blah blah conversation with Christian where she talks about her needs and he totally ignores them (BoredNow) and tells her how to feel and “smiles his beautiful, boyish yes-I-really-am-kinda-young smile.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams)  But then comes something exciting, something “of gravest importance” to Christian.  He wants her to cut his hair.  Oh, she has to be fucking with me.(FacePalm, BoredNow)

Christian says, “It will make me feel cherished.” (AlicePukes)  Yeah, I’d like to cherish you, Christian, by poking the scissors in your eyeball.  Ana puts shampoo on his hair and says “It smells of you.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams)  Does he smell like bullshit, Ana, cause that’s what I’m smelling right now.  And then more of the damn hair washing and Christian starts sticking his hands up her skirt. (BoredNow)  I didn’t see that one coming, did you?  He tells her he’s going to “fuck you seven shades of Sunday” which was what Ana promised him when she was trying to get him the fuck out of her office.  But it’s too good a line not to repeat again and again and again. (AliceScreams)

I’ll just take a little off the tip . . . I mean top, of course.

So they screw each other again. (SexyTimes, AliceScreams) There’s “clenching” and “pining” and “teasing” and “pulling” and “puking.” (AliceScreams) Oh, wait, that last one might have been me.  His erection “springs free” and I’m imagining a slinky.   BOING!  Wow, it really IS the world’s most wonderful toy!   (AliceScreams) And Christian says “You like?” and Ana says she’s hungry and . . . oh, crap, not again.  It’s just too bad they don’t have penises on the menu more often, because wow, Christian would never have to nag her about eating again. (AlicePukes, AliceScreams)  So she blows him and then there’s more cuddly I love you more, no I love YOU more (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) and he says “You’re a mighty fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams) and Ana puts on his shirt and goes to find scissors, which all this time have NOT been in the bathroom.(FacePalm, WTF)  How the hell was she going to cut his damn hair and oh just nevermind.

Fun for a girl and a boy! Boing!

So this gives her the excuse to run across the house like Tom Cruise and stumble upon Mrs. Jones and Taylor kissing.  Which is some major plot point? (WTF, BoredNow) Wait, no, it’s not.  It has nothing to do with the story, except to give Ana the chance to insult people again with her “But Mrs. Jones is older than Taylor!”  Yeah, isn’t it, like, illegal for a woman to date a man younger than she is?  Mrs. Jones, that horny old cougar! (AnaFail, WTF.)  They talk about Taylor and his daughter blah blah blah and finally she cuts his damned hair and it only took like twenty pages (SoBoredAliceCouldShoveScissorsUpHerNose).

So Ana then ponders whether Christian would let her tie him up and noooo of course not because you know, starving child issues, which is so totally not bullshit. (FacePalm)  And Ana feels sad for poor widdle Christipoo (AliceScreams) and thinks “Oh, Fifty, fifty, fifty,” (AliceScreams) because that is such an appropriate nickname for someone. (FacePalm) Hey, fuckup, how’s it going?  Come to think of it, maybe it’s the perfect nickname – for both of them.  End Chapter.

Final Score: 100-54 220 = -174

This was Achy Breaky BAD.

Question Nine:

In chapter 9, Ana and Kate go on a totally Thelma and Louise adventure!  I won’t give away what they do but guess what you will never guess – it pisses Christian off! I think considering how assholish Christian is about the tiniest infraction, like peeing without permission, she should have totally gone all out and screwed Taylor and the rest of the security team.  And Kate.  Also a few barnyard animals.  At least I think so.

Essay Question: If you were Ana, what would you do on your Thelma and Louise / Ana and Kate adventure?

But WAIT there’s more!  We now have a tie for salutatorian!   And it’s neck and neck for the third place title, which you’ll all remember from school is – nada.  But don’t give up!  We still have lots and lots of lessons to go.  Lots. And.  Lots.

Roll Call!

Storkhunter 27 + 1 = 28

faithhopechocolate 22 + 2 = 24

GiggsMcGill Jill 14 + 9 + 1 = 24

MissFourEyes 18 + 2 = 20

Ravinj 18 + 1 =19

Speaker7 18 + 1 = 19

Carrie Rubin  17

Lesbiannextdoor 10 + 1 = 11

Love and Lunchmeat 9

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 5 + 1 =6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 4 + 1 = 5

Doggy’s Style  4 + 1 =5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

TAE 1

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31 responses

  1. I vaguely remember inserting “this goddamn book” into my Fifty Shades Freed recraps a number of times because fuck, right?

    If Ana was on a Thelma/Louise adventure, she should get run over by the trucker with the playboy woman on his mudflaps because he is more of a feminist than her.

    1. “because he is more of a feminist than her” omg…lol

    2. That would be great. Then while Christian is bitching at her flattened form for disobeying him, the trucker swings by for another pass. Perfection.

  2. My bet is they take C’s shiny car, drive around, start making out (in the car, in public or something), A gets grossed out, remembers poor C, and returns to give him a bj…am I right? Am I right?
    I feel like I must be…

    1. That’d be too interesting, although I think Ana hates all women cause she’s secretly a lesbian hot for Kate. She talks about how gorgeous Kate is and then immediately insults her. Hmm.

      1. we should totally write some anti-fan fiction here…

  3. Don’t Thelma and Louise drive off a cliff? I have a feeling that this doesn’t happen in the book. (If only…)

    If I were Ana, I wouldn’t have married the psychopath in the first place, and I’d have my *own* car and my *own* house and Christpoo can go and bang his crack-whore mommy for his perverted twisted ideas of sex.

    However, if I were controlling Ana in this book, I’d have her get into the car with her friend, a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, at night, with them both wearing sunglasses, and get them to drive far far away on a mission from God, to save us all from this awful trainwreck of a book.

    1. True, no one would be as stupid as Ana – at least not anyone who reads this blog regularly. I’m thinking like if Ana was suddenly possessed by the Spirit of Christmas Spines. And if she were to drive away with her friend, that would be a mission from God. Also, I’m pretty sure shooting down Christian when he follows would also be a good mission.

      1. Even people with lower than average IQs are smarter than Ana.

        The Spirit of Christmas Spines to me sounds like hedgehogs not backbones. Sorry. And that would be far too much like in line with the whole torture part of the books.

        1. I could say “The spirit of Christmas backbones” but, well . . . bone.

          1. It just gets worse, doesn’t it?

      2. I’m glad you know your readership is the smart kind of people ^.^

  4. Drive off a cliff, because that sounds like what these books should do. Then again, it’s not fair I say that, because I haven’t read them. I continue to say more power to the author if she got that many people to buy her book. And their reach is ridiculous. I watched New Girl on TV the other night, and one of the characters is in an Ana/Christian relationship with his boss. Pretty funny.

    1. Oh, it’s fair to say that. I thought I should read the books before I bashed them, but seriously, you can read the first page and know they are bash-worthy. They are literally bad from the first sentence, where Ana uses the cliched “I looked at myself in the mirror and was so beautiful but I didn’t think so . . . blah blah.”

      1. Haha. Great opening line. One of the classics, I think. 🙂

  5. I just had a better thought about what they could do. Ana & her friend could get into the car, drive to EL James’ house, tie James up in any of the ways in which Ana has been tied up thus far, subjected to any of the toys that have been used in the book thus far, and then put EL James into the trunk of the car and wedge a brick to press down the accelerator to drive it off the cliff. Then Ana can grow a backbone and stand up to Christian and make him get therapy for all his issues, and no sex for at least six months because they need time to just be friends rather than bonking buddies.

    1. I’m liking this idea, yes, but I think Christian and Ana should go down too – there’s just no redeeming some kinds of stupid.

      1. Ah, but if EL dies, then there’s definitely not going to be any more of them so they’re as good as dead anyway, right?

  6. Hmm, knowing Ana she’d be pretty horny after 30 seconds without her Fifty. So makeout with Kate. The only reason she never had a boyfriend before is because she’s had a thing for Kate all along!
    Or threesome with a rattlesnake in Chistipoo’s car.

    1. hahahahaha
      I vote for the threesome with a rattlesnake, but let it be in the car while driving off a cliff.

      1. Foursome. Must include Christian. No – wait, see my better idea.

    2. Ana + Kate, rattlesnake, Taylor, the security team, Old MacDonald and his farm, a buttplug, copious amounts of alcohol and an exploding Charlie Tango. This would be a great porno – I mean movie adaptation.

      1. I say all of that is awesome, but what’s an exploding Charlie Tango? I feel like that’s slang I should know??

  7. I’d say drive of a cliff.
    Alice, at first your recaps reassured the idea of not wanting to read those books now the curiosity grows, you’ll be responsible if I ever lay hands on one of these books.

    1. Just remember, curiosity killed the brain cells.

  8. Omg, I so excited you don’t even know!! Bonus points AND tied for salutorian?! What up coconut!

    Ok, Ana/Kate essay. I’m gonna take a different tact here.

    If I was Ana: Anna would be in the car with Kate, and as MissFourEyes said, horny after 30 seconds. So Anna would start to propose to Kate about a little lesbian action, and they’d start arguing, and since they were arguing – BOOM! Car crash!
    So then Ana wakes up in the hospital, and she has amnesia, but she remembers Kate. And so when Christipoo comes to take home, she’s like, “Who the F are you and why would I go with you?!” And she’s now a totally different person. Like an Actual, Cool heroine! And her and Kate would jump out of the hospital and travel around the world!

    1. Yes. Ana could be like one of those fallen heroes who has to spend the first book apologizing to everyone in existence, especially her readers, but also every person she’s ever come in contact with before. Sort of like if Darth Vader had lived – could you imagine the family reunions? Yay, sure I killed your entire planet, but hey, I’m good now! She would have a long road ahead.

      And Charlie Tango is the moronic name for Christian’s helicopter – cause it needs a name. And it’s a stupid one. Congrats on your good grades. I think.

      1. I’ve read stories like that! Where the bad guy becomes good and they have to keep apologizing and people are still super scared of them. Definitely an interesting concept.
        Perhaps the way Anna could apologize to everyone would be by finding out the story of her past (from Kate) and then she’d get feminine-angrified (because she’s realize what an a$$ Christipoo always was) and she’d sneak into his house in the night, pretending to be old Anna, and then she’d chop off his ‘down there’! Ah, that’d be perfect =)

  9. Murder Christian and serve him up to the cops as barbeque. No, wait, that’s Fried Green Tomatoes…

    Sit in the hair salon and bitch about him, then sit around at Sunday tea and bitch about him, then go to a funeral. No, wait, that’s Steel Magnolias…

    Beat Christian up, go on the lam, pick up another random friend, then settle in New Mexico to hide out from the authorities investigating Christian’s murder while raising Ana’s baby without the unnecessary aid of men who are only good for sex anyway. Wait, no, that’s Boys on the Side.

    1. I think any of these would be perfect because E.L. steals all her ideas anyway. We might as well steal ideas for Ana’s demise.

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