Stupid, fucking book. Oh, hi, didn’t know you were there. Isn’t this a stupid, fucking book? That could be every one of my recaps. This is a stupid, fucking book. And I bet I am going to get some awesome search terms after this.
You know how last time I was all pissed because Christian was being an abusive asshole? Well, this chapter Ana takes over the bitch role. God, they deserve each other. So the answer to our last question was obviously A) Ana bitched a bitchfest. Hooray. There were many excellent comments, but for incredible enthusiasm, not to mention going above and beyond the call of sanity, I have to award the bonus point to GiggsMcGill Jill this time. She proposed a love story to rival Ana and Christian.
“Your next project: Amor Under the Sea
Protagonists/love couple: Spongebob and Dora
Antagonists/bad couple: Swiper and Squidword”
Now that you’ve got that muy disturbiano vision in your head, you’re all set up for the recap. We start off with a detailed description of the sexy realtor. (BoredNow) Really, James? She will spend countless hours describing stupid shit no one cares about. She’s a fucking realtor, not a main character. (WTF) Ana and Sexy Realtor start sizing each other up like female cats in heat. (FacePalm, AnaFail) To let her know Christian is all HERS, Ana squeezes his ass right in front of her. (AnaFail). As she gets their wine, cause it’s been like ten minutes since they had alcohol (AliceScreams), she thinks “He’s mine. Yeah, bitch, mine.” (AnaFail) Maybe Ana should just say that out loud and grab Christian’s crotch. That would send a message. Also, I’d enjoy it, especially if she really crushed his balls in the process. Win, win situation.
So Ana keeps on about how this Sexy Realtor is “eye-fucking” her husband, and this annoys her, so she decides to grow a spine. Not with Christian, with the realtor, naturally. When Christian leaves for a moment, Ana says “But I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as you keep your hands off my husband.” (FacePalm, AnaFail) Meowwww, hisssss! Get her girlfriend! You go girl! This is like just like that time on Jerry Springer when the crack hos were fightin’ over that deadbeat pimp. Ah, memories.
Then there’s this blah blah conversation with Christian where she talks about her needs and he totally ignores them (BoredNow) and tells her how to feel and “smiles his beautiful, boyish yes-I-really-am-kinda-young smile.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) But then comes something exciting, something “of gravest importance” to Christian. He wants her to cut his hair. Oh, she has to be fucking with me.(FacePalm, BoredNow)
Christian says, “It will make me feel cherished.” (AlicePukes) Yeah, I’d like to cherish you, Christian, by poking the scissors in your eyeball. Ana puts shampoo on his hair and says “It smells of you.” (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) Does he smell like bullshit, Ana, cause that’s what I’m smelling right now. And then more of the damn hair washing and Christian starts sticking his hands up her skirt. (BoredNow) I didn’t see that one coming, did you? He tells her he’s going to “fuck you seven shades of Sunday” which was what Ana promised him when she was trying to get him the fuck out of her office. But it’s too good a line not to repeat again and again and again. (AliceScreams)
So they screw each other again. (SexyTimes, AliceScreams) There’s “clenching” and “pining” and “teasing” and “pulling” and “puking.” (AliceScreams) Oh, wait, that last one might have been me. His erection “springs free” and I’m imagining a slinky. BOING! Wow, it really IS the world’s most wonderful toy! (AliceScreams) And Christian says “You like?” and Ana says she’s hungry and . . . oh, crap, not again. It’s just too bad they don’t have penises on the menu more often, because wow, Christian would never have to nag her about eating again. (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) So she blows him and then there’s more cuddly I love you more, no I love YOU more (AlicePukes, AliceScreams) and he says “You’re a mighty fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams) and Ana puts on his shirt and goes to find scissors, which all this time have NOT been in the bathroom.(FacePalm, WTF) How the hell was she going to cut his damn hair and oh just nevermind.
So this gives her the excuse to run across the house like Tom Cruise and stumble upon Mrs. Jones and Taylor kissing. Which is some major plot point? (WTF, BoredNow) Wait, no, it’s not. It has nothing to do with the story, except to give Ana the chance to insult people again with her “But Mrs. Jones is older than Taylor!” Yeah, isn’t it, like, illegal for a woman to date a man younger than she is? Mrs. Jones, that horny old cougar! (AnaFail, WTF.) They talk about Taylor and his daughter blah blah blah and finally she cuts his damned hair and it only took like twenty pages (SoBoredAliceCouldShoveScissorsUpHerNose).
So Ana then ponders whether Christian would let her tie him up and noooo of course not because you know, starving child issues, which is so totally not bullshit. (FacePalm) And Ana feels sad for poor widdle Christipoo (AliceScreams) and thinks “Oh, Fifty, fifty, fifty,” (AliceScreams) because that is such an appropriate nickname for someone. (FacePalm) Hey, fuckup, how’s it going? Come to think of it, maybe it’s the perfect nickname – for both of them. End Chapter.
Final Score: 100-54 –220 = -174
In chapter 9, Ana and Kate go on a totally Thelma and Louise adventure! I won’t give away what they do but guess what you will never guess – it pisses Christian off! I think considering how assholish Christian is about the tiniest infraction, like peeing without permission, she should have totally gone all out and screwed Taylor and the rest of the security team. And Kate. Also a few barnyard animals. At least I think so.
Essay Question: If you were Ana, what would you do on your Thelma and Louise / Ana and Kate adventure?
But WAIT there’s more! We now have a tie for salutatorian! And it’s neck and neck for the third place title, which you’ll all remember from school is – nada. But don’t give up! We still have lots and lots of lessons to go. Lots. And. Lots.
Storkhunter 27 + 1 = 28
faithhopechocolate 22 + 2 = 24
GiggsMcGill Jill 14 + 9 + 1 = 24
MissFourEyes 18 + 2 = 20
Ravinj 18 + 1 =19
Speaker7 18 + 1 = 19
Carrie Rubin 17
Lesbiannextdoor 10 + 1 = 11
Love and Lunchmeat 9
The Bumble Files 6
Jemmy 5 + 1 =6
Angel Fractured 5
StetotheJ 4 + 1 = 5
Doggy’s Style 4 + 1 =5
Ruby Tuesday 4
Jen and Tonic 4
Lulu Stark 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1