50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Nine

I really liked your Kate and Ana Excellent Adventures, you guys.  Especially this one by TAE:

“My bet is they take C’s shiny car, drive around, start making out (in the car, in public or something), A gets grossed out, remembers poor C, and returns to give him a bj…am I right? Am I right?
I feel like I must be…”

It would certainly be more interesting than the book.   TAE also adds that “we should totally write some anti-fan fiction here.”  I like this idea.  A lot.  Except my book would be oh so short.  Bonus point anyway, TAE.

But back to the sad, sad reality that Ana’s adventure is a trip to the – take a guess A) Bar B) Bar C) AA meeting.  Nope, it’s not Alcoholics Anonymous, which leaves just alcohol.  Since Ana and Christian can’t be vampires, I think this is E.L. James’ solution.  They live on booze instead of blood.  Makes sense to me.  Except that neither of them is a fun drunk.  They’re just assholes all the time (Red Flag, FacePalm).

Every day is New Year’s for Christian and Ana.

We start with Ana waking up with Christian “wrapped around her like ivy” again.  (AliceScreams, WTF)  I don’t know about you, but this would freak me the hell out, especially considering he’s a fucking psycho.  Also, I’m sick of all the “wake up in each other’s arms after they – you know – wink, wink, giggle!” (AliceScreams)  We get it.  They boned each other (I don’t normally use this term for sex, but for these two, it is so appropriate) for the millionth time.  It’s okay to skip these little bits, really it is.

Christian and Ana in the afterlife (after someone kills them.)
Christian: Want to bone? (get it? Do you?)

Christipoo wants to bone her again but alas, he must get up and show off his bod, which is, like, naked you guyz and omg can you believe it that is so sexy and daring and what if her mom finds out omg! Ana says “It’s a mighty fine view, Mr. Grey” (AliceScreams, AlicePukes) meaning it’s a great view up his ass in case you were confused.  He can’t resist her cleverness, so he bones her (SexyTimes), but we don’t have to see it, whew.

Ana is so embarrassed to see Mrs. Jones at breakfast because, like, she kissed Taylor, which cracks me the hell up because yello, Mrs. Jones has to clean the butt juice off your butt plugs, Ana-kins (Ana Fail).  You don’t have room to talk.  And I can’t believe I said butt juice.  Combined with “bone, boned, boning” I am really going to get the freaks to this blog this time.  Christian points out that she didn’t eat yesterday.  So, like, AT ALL?  WTF with the anorexia fetish, E.L.? Stop it, stop it, stop it. (AliceRage)

Yes, we get it. Ana’s anorexic.
Which is clearly sexy, amIright?

Then they talk about Charlie Tango again (AliceScreams) and how Ana nearly, gulp, lost him and stop reminding me, E.L., that happened to be my favoritest part of the book before you made him all alive again and now you’re just making me Sad Pony, so stop it.  Stop writing.  Stop, stop, stop!

Ah, happy memories.
‘sob’

Sorry about that.  Where was I?  They talk about Christian’s gun, and how Christian doesn’t even know if a gun is loaded or not (WTF?) and then Ana drops this bombshell.  “Christian always brushes his teeth before breakfast.  I don’t know why.” (FacePalm)  Neither do I, Ana.  Holy fuck, is this a plot point?  Does Christian have bionic teeth, is THAT why he brushes them before breakfast?  Or does he just like the combo of toothpaste and “thirst-quenching, refreshing orange juice”?  I just don’t know.  Don’t leave us hanging with this mystery!

So they drive to work, and we get them talking on the way, because God forbid we ever skip anything pointless like a car ride. (BoredNow) Ana nags Christian to learn how to shoot but Christian refuses and Ana-kins, think about this.  He can kill you so many other ways.  Do you really want him to learn one more way to murder you?  Cause I do.  Way to go.  Keep at him, Ana! (AnaFail)

Christian’s gun.

Finally, she’s at work, but we skip most of that because – EMAIL! (AliceScreams)

Why don’t you do this crap to Squirrel, Alice?

So they email flirt about guns and threats of retribution and other romantic crap (BoredNow) and then Christian calls her to tell her he arrived at wherever he was going for his super-de-businessy businessman trip and Ana says she and Kate are going to screw an entire hockey team, then each other, then a pony (not Sad Pony, he has standards) then a toaster, then a football team and their cheerleading squad, and then go get a few drinks.  Just kidding, she just says she and her friend are going out for drinks, so of course Christipoo is super pissed cause omg she might be in danger if she goes out!  Plus, she’d be exercising, like, free will and shit.  Can’t have that. (RedFlag) He tells her to “do as she’s told” and then follows up with an email that says “do as you’re told” in case she didn’t get it the first time. (RedFlag)  Gosh, I lurrve this guy.

And then boom, Ana’s all done with work!  No need to hear about the coloring pages, cause it’s time for her to go see her friend while “a huge chunk of her is missing” because Christian is gone. (FacePalm)  Which chunk of you did he take with him, Ana?  Was it your pickled liver?  A kidney?  We know it can’t be a brain or a spine.  Does he keep parts of you in an ice chest close to his heart?  Just curious, there.  Kate shows up and Ana says I can’t go out for drinks and Kate says please so Ana says okay because she bends like a reed at the slightest sneeze. (AnaFail) Our heroine.  She’s so dead.  Can’t wait!

Which chunk of Ana did Christian take?

Ana and Kate ignore security and go a-drinkin’ and Kate tells Ana all this security crap that Christian is keeping from her and I forget what it is because it’s freaking stupid and I don’t care. (BoredNow)  Kate tells Ana she looks super confident cause she’s married (and who wouldn’t be, amIright?) and Ana thinks about how she’s married the man of her dreams who is probably waiting at the apartment to kill her with a butcher knife cause he’s anti-gun, ya know. (FacePalm, RedFlag)

She finds out she’s missed five calls from Mr. Dreamy and one email . . .(AliceScreams)

I hate you, Alice.

That says “Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment?  See you tomorrow.”  (RedFlag) Bwahahaha.  Ana, if you get home and all the towels are lined up just so, get the fuck out.  I’m telling you, Julia Roberts told me all about it and you don’t want to go there.  On second thought, go ahead.  Let’s see what happens.

Ana gets home and realizes something isn’t right, and I’m thinking – towels – but it turns out that some flower vases are smashed so the Scooby Security Squad goes into Code Blue, which I kinda thought was when someone was crashing in a hospital, but whatever, and it turns out that dum dum dummmm – they’ve caught Jack Hyde! (BoredNow, FacePalm)  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 44 120 = – 64
An improvement - but still in the minus.Sad.

An improvement – but still in the minus.
Sad.

pop quiz

Question Nine:

After finding out an armed Jack Hyde has broken into his apartment, Christian naturally decides to:

A) Get better security for his apartment.  He hires Leila, since she’s obviously better at knowing all the entry points and security codes than his current Scooby Security Force.

B) Beat the shit out of Ana for disobeying his order not to leave the apartment to have drinks with a friend the very night an armed gunman broke into the apartment intent on kidnapping her.

C) Shoot Jack, shoot Ana, then shoot himself.

But WAIT, there’s more!  Faithhopechocolate has jumped up to Valedictorian!  Storkhunter and GiggsMcGill Jill are tied for Salutatorian!  And Miss Four Eyes is in fourth place and so very close.  Sad Pony has his hoof over my head, and says, not close enough.  We must be fair though.  Here’s our roll call.

Roll Call!

faithhopechocolate 24 + 5 = 29

Storkhunter 28

GiggsMcGill Jill 24 + 4 = 28

MissFourEyes 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 19 + 1 = 20

Speaker7 19 + 1 = 20

Carrie Rubin  17 + 2 = 19

Lesbiannextdoor 11

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

TAE 1 + 3 + 1  = 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

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40 responses

  1. I’m going to guess A or B, although as usual I am hoping it’s C 🙂

    Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!

    1. Most fascinating . . . most . . . just . . . (head explodes.) I can just imagine her other nine. Is one of them that Flo girl from the Progressive commercials? She’s enormously irritating and pointless as well.

      1. That would be a good one! I did see she has Honey Boo-boo on there too! (not joking!) Have you seen that show?

      2. OMG, James AND Honey Boo Boo? Barbara Walters has gone from being a bad-ass lady to being a terrible woman. Terrible.

    2. Oh, dear Lord. Honey Boo-boo! Of course! I bet she could write a better book than James – she had just the right combo of immature and porn. Now I have to see the rest of this list. Clearly Barbara has lost her mind.

  2. Why aren’t I doing better? I feel I should be doing better. Okay, what is the question? So Ana has defied Christian’s orders by not staying in the dog crate and peeing all over the furniture so he gets back at her by being super lame and super boring all the time until the earth explodes.

    1. Yes, as everyone knows, only Christian can pee all over the furniture and Ana in order to mark his territory. Although it wouldn’t be a bad idea to keep her in a dog crate to prevent her from hurting herself (and us) with her stupid.

      1. Fair point well made Miss Alice (does this earn me more points? what if I end with Laters, baby?)
        Laters baby.

        1. Yes it does. Did you know that there is a fan webpage called “Laters, baby.”? It makes me want to choke on a buttplug. Or choke someone else with one.

  3. Can I pick B and then C? Please, please!
    That’s be really nice and what Ana deserves, just saying.
    I cannot believe I’m not last anymore.

    1. Woot! Not last is awesome! I’m starting to think maybe I should give the people with one point a drop slip, especially since I’m fairly sure some of them don’t even know they’re in the contest . . .

      1. NAH, they make the curve lower for those of us at the top! =D YAY for bell curves!

  4. It’s so A…the others are just wishful thinking…

    I want to share an embarrassing story with you that might make you feel better:
    I’m chatting with my mom and she tells me that she’s going to the movies with my aunt and my cousine later (they’re all back in Germany) (my mom is a cigarette-smoking couch potato), and I’m like “Oh yeah? Nice! What are you going to see?” (I’m always glad when I hear about my mom being social in public) – “TWILIGHT!”

    They’ve all read the books, too…I wonder when she’ll tell me that she’s started the Grey Trilogy; if she loves that, too, then…I’m going to disown her.
    Thanks for the extra points. I do deserve them ; )

    1. Oh, noooos, it’s always hardest when it’s family. I worked at a public library during the Twilight book craze. I wanted to shoot myself. All we did was check out the books, reserve the books, send overdue slips out for the books, check the books back out again (often to the same people). One woman – a grown woman – admitted to me that she had read those books like six times. I wanted to say, “Lady, you’re in a library. There are, ya know, other books here. I promise.” Head/desk.

      1. Yeah. It makes me wonder about where mankind is headed…

  5. Wow. I’m not even sure I understood the bits of that I might have understood if I’d read any bits of grey. Now I’m in bits.
    I vote D – I know it’s D because in a “hollywood – Bobby Ewing – it was all a dream” style reprisal you’re going to bring in a previously unmentioned Dues Ex Machina and pivot the whole plot in an unpredictable direction – then get M Night Shamalamadingdong to direct the film until its so boring people die before escaping the cinema.
    Right!?

    1. If only I could wake up and find out this 50 Shades thing was all a dream . . . I don’t think Shamalamadingdong is quite right for the film version. More like some sad director of Lifetime. It would be the perfect Lifetime movie. Not that I watch those.

      It would be nice if they would pivot it in the direction of everyone exploding.

  6. Hahaha–refusing to take the quiz, because then I have to think about these two for another moment, but God, woman, you make this funny!

    1. Thanks. That means a lot. I take frequent breaks in between chapters . . .

      1. 🙂 I know. If it weren’t for you and Speaker7 plowing through the junk, I would not have been reduced to tears laughing several nights this year–you make it funny as hell…

        1. Aw, really, thank you. My confidence has been a little low, so it helps to know my loss of brain cells has benefited someone. I am enjoying you and Rule of Stupid’s poetry. Very cool.

          1. Aw, thanks… Appreciate that! RoS ROCKS.

          2. He SO DOES! So fun to find new bloggers.

  7. Boohoo. I’m not winning anymore 😦
    I missed Chapter Eight because of my emotional funk!!
    Anyway, I don’t even want to joke about the next chapter. His wife could quite possibly have been attacked and he’s pissed off at her. So am I, she should have been there. Jack should have killed her and saved us the pain of the next chapter.
    The answer is B. I want it to be C, but A would be so funny!!!

    1. I get emotional funks. These books are a funk. And yeah, Ana, why didn’t you stay and get offed? With no spine or brain you’re not going to make it long. Especially if Christian just whoops kills you with the hello kitty gun. Yeah. Or Leila comes back. I miss Leila. 😦

  8. I agree with Ms Stork – B. But if I understand correctly, Christipoo beats Ana all the time, so obviously he would beat her more for going out and doing something! And he probably thinks that her leaving turned off the security systems or something (or at least he’ll blame it all on her). So definitely a beat up scene. With sex involved.

    And you know what chunk of Ana’s was missing that Christipoo had? Her vagina. Definitely her vagina. He doesn’t trust in chastity belts, so he just removes her vagina.

    1. That makes total sense. That way he could grab it and say MINE all the time.

      The security system probably is programmed to go off when they leave. Also, they point out that Jack managed to break in by going through the service entrance. No way am I going back to check, but I’m pretty sure that was how Leila got in. Stupid enough not to guard it the first time, but a second time? Yeah, Taylor doesn’t give a shit. He wants them to get in and take out Christian. Now if only they could get a competent criminal to do it.

  9. D. James is actually a very smart and qualified writer, and is playing a horrible joke on the whole world just because she can.
    Or B. Whichever.

    1. I would love for it to be D, because then life would seem a little more funny and sarcastic – but I don’t know if I could take the total heartbreak when I found out James is exactly as she appears…

      1. I want it to be D so bad! She simply can’t be serious about these books. She just can’t!

      2. Part of what makes it funny is that she intends it to be serious. But it also makes it sad too. Funnysad. Sadpony.

    2. This must be a joke. Either that or she has a thirteen-year-old ghost writer.

  10. You should really listen to Sad Pony. Poor thing has been through so much.

    1. He has. He really has. Maybe he can hang out at your blog for Christmas. That might make his mouth inch up just a tiny bit. He might even change position. Or move. You just never know. Christmas miracles do happen. Gahd blesses everyWON!

      1. Sad Pony is welcome to join me for Christmas! Ask him to bring his Rudolf nose 🙂

  11. Dear goodness, how’d that happen? I clearly talk too much – or have more brain than EL James when it comes to writing a plot…

    Clearly the answer is going to be B), Christian will beat up Ana for going out without permission. What it really should be is C. Or maybe even a new option. Ana learns to shoot, and takes out Christipoo, all the housekeeping staff, escapes from the book (like in “Sophie’s World”) and goes off and shoots EL James and all the people who will have written 50 Shades fanfic (I daren’t look but it must be out there) and then shoots herself.

    Please can you give Sad Pony a lump of sugar for me?

    1. You definitely have more brain than E.L., though that’s like saying you have more brain than a cabbage, so not much of a compliment. I’m liking your story, except I think Ana should shoot herself in the end. Then, perfecto!

      1. I didn’t want it too be too much of a massacre, but yes, perhaps that would be the most sensible thing.

        Even better, however, would be for Doctor Who to turn up in his TARDIS at a time period before EL James writes the books, and to either brain wipe her or maybe park the TARDIS on her in a freak accident, so she dies and can’t write the books in the first place. What do you think?

  12. Yeah, he’ll beat And the twisted bint will enjoy it, then bitch about it to her mom or friends.

    1. Yeah, I love how she can be upset and in pain but still instantly orgasm on command. She won’t bitch to her friends, though, just to the voices in her head.

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