Most Fascinating People of 2012: a Horror Tale by Barbara Walters.

Okay, so I was alerted early on by fellow blogger thelesbiannextdoor that one of the people on Barbara Walter’s Most Fascinating People of 2012 list was (drumroll) . . . E.L. James.  The “literary phenomenon” E.L. James.  After I was done cleaning up the mess from my head exploding, I discovered why James had made the list.  Barbara Walters has lost her mind.

Why do I think that?  Just because out of ALL the people in the world in 2012, she picked a hack author that made millions mostly off of morbid curiosity?  Because that’s not all, folks!  She also picked Honey Boo-Boo.  Of course she did.  It all makes perfect sense now.

Yup.  Honey Boo-Boo.
Yup. Honey Boo-Boo.

There are many things I might call Honey Boo-Boo and James, but fascinating isn’t one of them.  In a way, it’s fascinating how they both made this list, because they have a lot in common.  Both are immature (although Honey at least has the excuse of being a child) and both are associated with porn.  Honey dresses up like a tiny tot porn star, while James dresses up like a porn writer.  But neither exactly fits the bill.  Honey shouldn’t be in beauty pageants and James definitely shouldn’t be a writer.  Of anything.  At all.

So who else made the list?  I looked it up here, on The Daily  Herald. (  They aren’t revealing the whole list yet because they have to convince you to watch this crap somehow.  But so far we know these people made this list:

One Direction (a boy band)

Ben Affleck (I think he’s, like, an actor?)

Gabby Douglas (Olympic gymnast)

Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State)

Chris Christie (New Jersey Governor)

Seth MacFarlane (“Family Guy” mentor)

So she’s picking a broad range.  A very broad range.  I would just love to be Hillary, wouldn’t you?  I can just imagine how they told her.  Hey, guess what?  You know how you have one of the highest and most respected offices in the United States and stuff?  We’re putting you on a show alongside a hack romance author, a redneck child beauty queen, some actor, and a boy band.  Talk about an honor!

You booked me for what?
You booked me for what?

So what does Barbara think of 50 Shades?  She says, “’50 Shades’ is to adults what ‘Harry Potter’ is to kids.”  Wait, what?  No, no.  No, no, no, no, no.  Look, I’m not a Harry Potter fanatic or anything, but I did read the books, and from what I could tell, J.K. Rowling actually does have some writing skills.  Kids (and adults) loved the books because she had characters people gave a damn about, who grew and changed and, ya know, did stuff besides screw each other.  E.L. James writes about annoying people you hate who boink like bunnies.  Beyond the fact that both series made astounding amounts of money, I’m not seeing the connection here.

So what exactly is Barbara’s standard for this list?  Barb says “We do not do murderers; we do not do embezzlers.”  Really?  Those are some standards there!  How are people supposed to live up to them?  And frankly, why stop there?  I think I’d rather see a little embezzling and murdering.  At least both of those acts take smarts and skill to successfully accomplish.

E.L. James
Meets Barbara’s Standards

So am I going to watch her special?  Of course I am, if I remember anyway.  I tend to miss regular T.V. shows, what with all my time caking makeup on my eight-year-old.  But if I make it, I’ll be sure to give you an update on the most fascinating person of 2012.  It ought to be a doozie.

This just in: thelesbiannextdoor has a post up (also questioning Barb’s sanity) with a new award for yours truly, and some other people.  Now I realize I said I wasn’t in it for the bling, but homemade gifts are the BEST!  Of course now I’m supposed to make up my own award.  And give her a lot of money.  I’ll get right on that.  Wait – I think Honey Boo-Boo’s on!

34 responses

  1. I want a Dignitas list for 2012 – People the world would have been better off without… much more useful. All winners on the list can be shot by anyone without incurring legal penalty… Michael Gove, David Cameron, E L James, Kate Moss, The Royal Family… so many…

    1. Donald Trump, Beyonce, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Octomom, anyone who has or will ever be on The Bachelor, The Bacelorette, The Bachelor Pad . . . We NEED that list. You must make it. Or I will. Or we can tag team. There are just SO MANY.

      1. I know I’m gonna come-off weird, but I don’t do telly! I’ll watch a DVD with the family sometimes but that’s it. So you’d have to do the bulk of the list! I’m culturally totally out of date!

        1. I don’t watch much TV either, but that’s mostly because I waste all my time on the Internet. I saw about five minutes of Honey Boo-Boo before I managed to find the remote and switch it off.

          If you’re online as much as I am, you can see what twits make the news. We could do a Brit and and American list. Woot.

          1. cool. Will take me a while… we can keep posted via comments and try a ‘simul-blog’! yay!

  2. Thank you for the mention 🙂 I’ll be waiting for my money now. Remember – UNMARKED bills 🙂

    1. Ha, you were the one who brought it up, so I kind of copied you, although I had written the post before I saw yours . . . great minds think alike.

      What if I draw happy faces on the bills?

      1. Ha ha! Okay, you can draw smileys 🙂

  3. Um.

    I’m really trying to come up with something. Okay, this is it:
    Barbara is likely senile?

    1. Lesbiannextdoor pointed out she’s like, what, 90? I guess it could happen. Did she also forget how to read? Is that how senile works?

      1. I guess she’s only 83 – I just googled it. But she can still be senile!

  4. Honey Boo Boo and Hilary Clinton? I’m going to vomit on Honey Boo Boo – Poor Hilary; one day when she’s prez – she can slap Barbara upside the head with Hugo, Speaker7’s half thing/puppet.

    1. I think that would be appropriate, yes. And just think, in another thirty years, we could have Senator Honey Boo-Boo.

  5. It’s funny you blogged about this, because believe it or not, I thought of you when Barbara announced that one of her picks was E. L. James. I’m with you, Barbara’s comparison of her to the Harry Potter books is not well thought out. And I’m tired of hearing discussions about “Why do you think women are so drawn to these books?” Well, I’m a woman, and I’m not drawn to them at all. Really have no interest in reading them–just so many other books awaiting me. But as always, I give the author her props for being such a huge success. And I suppose for that, she is a bit fascinating.

    1. I know. It’s like, quit representing us, stupid women! I am amazed by her success. Then again, I bought the stupid books (I am filled with shame) so there you go. I’m still going with the idea that writing “Twilight Sexy Times” on a book will get you millions. That should be the title of your next novel, whether there are sexy times or not. (There really should be sexy times in the hospital broom closet. We’re going for realism here!) Once they see the cover, they’re not going to read it. I refuse to believe any editor was involved with these books.

      1. Twilight Sexy Times–Hmm, it could work! 😉

  6. Maybe by ‘fascinating’ she means ‘with the potential to make you throw up’
    Or maybe she really believes that the world will end this month and put them on the list out of pity. Who else will remember them otherwise?

    1. I know that’s what I say when I puke. Wow, that is fascinating, there. No more grape juice for me.

      I do believe this is yet one more sign of end times. Either that or Barbara got tired partway through and said, screw it, and chose the first few people that came up when she clicked on MSN.

  7. I’m not sure if Barbara actually read either Harry Potter or 50 Shades. You know… maybe someone just hands her a list and she makes it all up. No research required: She is Barbara Walters. I’ve watched her show… you wait and wait to get to #1 and then it’s like Meh. Just one Barbara’s opinion.

    1. Yeah, good point. Barbara ain’t got no time for reading. She has that show “The View”, you know. One thing I’ll give her – she looks damn good for 83 even if she is out of her mind.

      1. perhaps because she IS out of her mind she looks so good. maybe she just doesn’t care to care and is carefree because of it. How does she keep showing up on TV and chatting away like a lap dog and even sometimes making sense?

  8. I get why she picked it. 50 Shades is absolutely the crappiest crap fest of all time, and made a woman (who wasn’t even setting out to sell a book) an instant millionaire. It kind of fascinates me in that I don’t understand the tipping point. How did this catch on? What is so special about this? How did EL James develop this story?

    1. Fascinatingly bizarre, that’s true. I do wonder if Barbara actually read the crappiest crap fest of all time (which should be the tagline for the book).

  9. I actually think it’s awesome that a book like Fifty Shades went mainstream. I do wish it had been done better, and wasn’t such a (bad porn) hack job. I honestly think she made millions just for having the guts to write it and genius marketing.

    And Hilary has already had her name dragged through so much mud via association, what’s a little more?

    1. Well, that’s true. She’s been married to Bill all these years. I happen to think Bill’s a pretty good leader, but obviously he has failings as husband material.

      I think what helped James was that she wrote it for Internet people as a fanfic first. People will write anything in fanfic, apparently. I don’t read it, but apparently there’s a lot of “what if this character and this character has lots of kinky sex.” She made her millions off of Meyer and Twilight. Her marketing was done before she started.

      I do wish that women could read whatever they wanted without being labeled either virgins or whores. But if we’re gonna read porn, like you said, make it good. It’s like how I wanted a woman president, but not if the woman president was Sarah Palin.

  10. I have no idea who Honey Boo Boo is. Now I have to go google it. Why, Alice, must you foist this pop culture awareness on me? I had never heard of 50 Shades until you started recapping it. You are a bad, bad influence. How am I supposed to review torts cases (the next one is about highway maintenance, Gods help me), when you keep strewing this wierdly fascinating…oh, that’s why. Maybe Barbara is just a mad genius.

    1. I know. Hey, I totally forgot to watch the stupid special! I must Google and see who is the most fascinating!

  11. Maybe Babs is being ironic? As we’ve already decided that James doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “ironic”…

    1. James doesn’t understand the meaning of a lot of words, such as “research” and “good taste” and “characterization.”

      1. Or “common sense”, “real life”, “abuse”, to add to the list.

  12. Fascinating doesn’t mean interesting. I am fascinated that she wrote a crappy book and became a millionaire. Actually scratch that … I am not fascinated … I am thoroughly pissed off. Do you know how hard it is to get something published Ms James, do you??? Writers with real skill (aka yours truly) have to fight tooth and nail and what do you do? Porn, and bad porn at that!!
    I refuse to stoop to your level, I refuse. I do not want to be the next “fascinating” person on Walters list.
    Okay, I’ll shut up now.

    1. I think we’d have about as much chance of becoming Secretary of State or a hot actor as a bestselling author. On the other hand, James did it, so clearly laws of physics and whatnot do not work on this planet. I’m certain there’s no way Barbara could have read those books. Then again, I’m certain none of the positive reviews could be from people who read those books. No, no, no. This is not supposed to be WonderPlanet.

      On the other hand, without her we’d be stuck with with just complaining about awful Twilight. I wonder how long until the next awful writer hits FAME. Considering the popularity of reality TV, I guess it shouldn’t be so surprising.

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