Alice’s Letter to Santa

It’s been a while since I wrote a letter to Santa.  A fellow blogger gave me the idea, and I decided that, hey, I’m greedy.  Why not?

In five seconds this letter will explode.

From: Alice []

To: Santa Claus []

Subject: My Demands

Dear Santa,

Hey you know that stuff where I said I didn’t believe in you and your stupid tiny reindeer?  Just kidding!  I think you’re totally real and that you’re going to give me lots of material crap.  That is what you do, right?  I admit I’m a little confused on the whole concept.  At four, my daughter asked to lead a prayer.  Her prayer went as follows, “Dear God.  Please ask Santa to bring me Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses.  Amen.”  I never realized you were middle management for God, Santa. I guess I could pray to your boss, but I think you’re a more direct line; and praying might be pushing it for me, as I hear your boss has lightning bolts.

My list is pretty simple this year.  I just want peace and happiness and love and joyness for everyone.  Also I want everybody to have a new purple flying Pegasus unicorn of their very own.  Pfft, not really.  I want a lot of stuff for me.  You might get me the new purple flying Pegasus unicorn, since you failed to do that back when I was a child.  This could be your chance to redeem yourself, fatty.  I mean, Santa.

There are a few things I’d like for others, but mostly because it benefits me.  First, I’d like that stupid kid to get her two front teeth, that other kid to get the darn hippo, and finally for that Santa baby twit to get all her crap so that they will all finally stop singing those songs.  I hate them.  A lot.  Can you do that Santa?  That would be swell.

Next I’d like for politicians to shut up.  I think that would be ever so wonderful.  They ought to be allowed to speak only on special occasions.  With scripts.  Prepared by normal human beings.  I’m not sure how you’re going to accomplish this.  Maybe you could import them all to the North Pole and give your poor elves a break.  Yeah, I know all about your North Pole sweat shop you got going up there, Santa.

But what material possessions would I like for me?  Glad you asked.  I would like one of those living vacuum cleaners like the Teletubbies have.  Get me a Noo-Noo.  Also a new house.  I know, you don’t have lots of houses at the shop.  That’s okay.   John McCain can’t even remember how many he has, so if you snatched one of his, he probably wouldn’t even know.  Thanks.

If you just do these simple things for me, I will not only forgive you for past wrongs; I will not report you to the government for exploiting elves.

I’ll be waiting.  Don’t mess up.  I know where you live.


45 responses

  1. I think your daughter’s prayer should be added to the psalms.

    1. It worked too! I told her grandmother what she said and she thought it was so funny the little brat got every single doll.

  2. God, how I wished I had a Noo-Noo to suck up all the politicians along with the teletubbies, especially the little one. Those guys are pure evil.

    1. Teletubbies are freaky, but at least they aren’t didactic. I wrote a post on that.

    2. But that would be an awesome use for a Noo-Noo. It’d have to combat the suckage that the politicians are putting off, though.

  3. Boobahs are much worse – they look like uncircumcised penis heads….

    Anyway – can you include Donald Trump in that list of people to shut-up? Please…

    As a grammar nerd, I wrote “Santa Clause” on my Son’s letter and couldn’t figure out why it looked slightly ‘off’ –

    1. Oh, I KNOW. That’s exactly what I thought when I first saw those things. Same with that cucumber from Yo Gabba Gabba, only his looks diseased. Just happen to have a post on that one too. Didn’t mention the similarities there, cause my kids like reading those, but MAN I thought it. I should return to kid TV, although it’s almost as scary as James at tiems.

      And I kept wanting to write Santa Clause too! Man, that bugs me. He spells his name wrong, there should be an eeeee!

      1. And look, there’s a typo already and arghhh moving on . . .

      2. I’m made it thusly… now he WILL be Clause…hee hee…

    2. Great. It can be like that clever Disney movie “The Santa Clause.” Isn’t that movie clever and not at all annoying? And the sequels, the many, many sequels.

      1. I never saw it – it’s with Tim Allen, right? I hate Tim Allen…I also refuse to see “Elf” b/c I have less than nice feelings for Will Ferrel (but he’s good in Taladaga Nights, I will give him that)…

        1. I hate Tim Allen too. I kind of liked him back when Home Improvement was first on, but he got old really fast. And Will Ferrel is annoying, but the Elf movie was actually funny, at least in parts. I haven’t seen all of the Santa Clause, just bits when it was on TV – blech.

          1. Christmas Vacation and Christmas Story are my favorites – plus all the animated stuff that I loved as a kid…

          2. Yes, those are true classics. Poor Chevy and the lights . . .

          3. I need to watch it tonight, I believe!

  4. Favourite part – the things for others that actually benefit you. I want a few of those things too – like if Josh Groban lost his voice.

    1. Looked him up Don’t know a lot about him, although I remember that “You Raise Me Up” song. He kinda looks like a douche too.

      1. LOL. Just not my thing. 🙂

  5. yourothermotherhere | Reply

    That was hilarious!

    1. Thank you. I’m not sure if Santa will find it as funny . . .

  6. Wow, it’s kick the Icons in the crotch day today huh!? 😉
    Frighteningly, if your daughter’s asking God to ask Santa – then it’s God who’s middle management!! Santa’s in charge!
    Although you never see them in the same room together…
    Although you never see them…

    1. OMG, you have destroyed my dreams, RoS. I can NEVER look at Christmas the same way AGAIN. So, anyway, did you secure that interview with Jesus? And which one – is it adult hottie Jesus from The Passion or white baby Jesus?

      P.S. Jesus if you are out there and reading my blog (I don’t know why you would but still) I am just being a smartass. Remember, I was made this way.

      1. It was former stoner Jesus, and yes I did, I am Panda! I may get Diana, Hecate or Zeus next – no deity is safe!

    2. Jumps up in down and squeals with glee! Oh, yay! The Greek Gods are a whale of lot of fun. Also the Norse ones. Hey, Thor, nice hammer.

  7. All these years of singing Santa Baby in a husky voice have been getting me nowhere. I’m going to use yours and threaten to report him for exploiting elves!

    I just remembered that when I was little I had a dream about that freaky Noo-Noo. He decided that he’d had enough of the sun baby and tried to vacuum it up. I forget the rest, but it was worse than a slaughter house at the end. Teletubbie stuffing everywhere!
    I was a pretty weird kid. That’s probably why Santa never came to my house

    1. That would have made a great episode of Teletubbies. I’m thinking Emmy award worthy. Wonder what those tubbies are doing now. Maybe VHI will have one of those specials on them.

      Did you ever notice that Santa and the Easter Bunny have the same signature? Suspicious.

  8. Ooh, a living vacuum cleaner. I want one too, Santa!

    1. Who doesn’t? I wonder if the Rhumba thing or whatever it’s called really works. The little disk vacuum that runs along the floor. I remember it on a commercial.

  9. Blackmail, that’s what this guys needs, enough with the lies, I’m still waiting for the things I wanted last year, I was sorta good.
    You should write Sarah Palin if Santa doesn’t answer you, she lives close to him I don’t know if she can read but it’s worth a shot. Or you can just shot her.

    1. If she can see Russia from her house, then she can probably see the North Pole. Makes sense. If Santa would send some duck tape for her mouth, that would be enough for me.

  10. Gotta love the threat at the end. Also, is that vacuum cleaner a robot? I’m dying for a robot vacuum, preferably one that also gives foot rubs.

    1. He’s on the Teletubbies – I think I put a link to my post on that in another reply somewhere. He’s like this pet, but he zooms around and sucks up messes. I bet he’d suck on your toes, but, ew.

  11. I’ve always wanted a Pegasus unicorn! I even wrote stories about them when I was in elementary schools, but I called them, “unipegs”…

    1. I like that. I want a unipeg, and I want to fly it to work. I would totally get the best parking spots that way.

  12. Alice, can I piggyback on your list? Maybe you can add a house for me, too, huh? Sound ok? I don’t think Santa will even read a letter from me…

    1. Why not? I’m sure there’s several spares lying around.

  13. If you’re gonna write to Santa, there’s no point holding back. Are you sure you didn’t miss anything?

    1. Good point. I’ll have to think on that. I should probably have also asked for faith, hope, and chocolate, but wait – I have that! 😀

      1. Yes, I believe you do! 😀 😉

  14. I like the politicians one. They shouldn’t be allowed to speak ever and if they do we’ll set Noo Noo on them

    1. Good plan. We could have Secret Service Noo Noos, only they protect people from politicians.

  15. […] Alice’s Letter to Santa (12/12/12) – Alice starts her blackmail campaign against Santa. […]

  16. […] year I started a letter writing campaign to Santa.  It devolved faster than your average comment section on MSN, resulting in blackmail, […]

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