Santa’s Reply

Hey, guys, you won’t believe this, but I totally got a response from Santa.  I think he might have been slightly perturbed by my letter.  Check it out:

I know, you're jealous.

I know, you’re jealous.

From: Santa Claus [ThebigSman@northpole.com}

To: Alice [alice@wonderland.com]

Subject: Your Letter

Alice,

My goodness, you are a RUDE little thing, aren’t you?  And here I saw a picture of this cute little girl in a pinafore and thought that I was going to get a decent letter this time.  Imagine my surprise when instead I got YOU.

You, Alice, are so not getting your Noo-Noo, or one of John McCain’s spare houses, and I’m certainly not letting you have one of my prized purple Pegasus unicorns.  Those only go to good little girls.  Good little girls do not ask Santa to steal, and they certainly do not try to blackmail Santa.  That is a no-no.  Therefore, I hate to say this Alice, but you are officially on my Naughty List.

And the Naughty List is NOT a good thing, no matter what those terrible books you’ve been reading say.  Yes, I know about those.  I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’ve been reading E.L. James.  Shame, Alice.  For shame.

I thought you should also know, Alice, that Santa unfollowed your blog.  And I defriended you on Facebook.  I do believe you are the only child Santa has ever defriended.  Very sad, Alice.  Expect coal to arrive in your inbox any time now.  Also a large pile of reindeer poop I just had my elves scoop off my front porch.

Speaking of elves, I will have you know that they are very well treated.  They do not work in a sweat shop.  It’s very cold here.  And I pay them in happiness and joy and Christmas spirit.  Do you know what Christmas spirit is, Alice?  It is not calling Santa a “fatty”, Alice.  For your information, Santa is just big boned.

If you would like to get off my Naughty List, I would suggest you start doing the following:

Pet a kitten every day.

Smile.

Stop reading 50 Shades.

Try to be nice.  Or at least pretend.

Stop blackmailing me and calling me fatty.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus

P.S. I haven’t been able to find Rudolf lately.  That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?

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31 responses

  1. I knew calling him ‘fatty’ would be an issue

    1. Who knew Santa was sensitive?

      1. You’d think he’d have developed a thicker skin….

    2. Well, his belly is like a bowl full of jiggly jelly.

  2. It’s obviously E.L.’s fault. She should pay you some smart money.

    1. Yeah. Hey, I wonder if Santa’s ticked because Mrs. Claus was reading the books and now wants him to tie her to the sleigh or something.

  3. Oh snap! He defriended you? He does not play.

    1. I KNOW. Just wait, two can play the social media game!

  4. Please, I beg of you, do NOT pet the cat. Cats are horrible fickle creatures anyway, like Santa apparently…

    1. Cats are evil. They look cuddly, but really they are planning your demise so that they can collect your estate money. At least, that’s what Dave Barry said, and I believe him.

      1. See, maybe cats are evil, but he said “Kittens”. Totally different things. Kittens are cute, cuddly, and small. And haven’t been led astray by demons yet!

        1. Mew. I keep blowing a kitten’s brains out with my 50 Shades posts. But at least it’s a picture of a kitty. (No kittens were harmed in the making of these recaps. A mythical pony and squirrel were, though.)

  5. Awwww… Shouldn’t Santa be on our naughty-list now his toes are so big? 😉

  6. Yeah, he’s not a fan of the fatty thing.
    You better watch your back, I see revenge coming your way.
    I’m sure you have nothing to do with Rudolf tho, I’ve seen Le Clown’s Facebook and it seems like that red-nosed animal was slaughter in Canada.
    As for the unfollow and defriend, who cares? I lost 3 followers today and I’m still alive.

    1. A red-nosed animal slaughtered in Canada, huh? Well, most of the population is Moose, so maybe it was just a drunk Moose. Or a reindeer. Although – hey, what’s this in my garage?

    2. Maybe Santa unfollowed you too! I must check you out. I bet you posted something interesting!

  7. *gasp* He did not defriend you on Facebook! You’re in pretty bad Alice, pretty bad. I suggest tweeting him pictures of cookies and milk.

    1. Good idea! Although, I think blackmail might work out better.

      Hey, are you on Twitter? I just got on there and I envision more ways to waste all my time.

      1. No, I’m not on Twitter yet. How is it? A grand way to waste time (you know I need more of these!), or actually fun?

  8. Ooh, a vengeful, social-media Santa. Not pretty.

    1. Maybe he’s angry that he gets 5 billion tweets a second from children requesting the entire Toys R Us catalog.

  9. This letter is so personalized. The ones we get back are either about hockey or dolls. Lucky girl you are!

    1. I know, right? Naughty, naughty me!

  10. If you stop reading 50 Shades it means I’ll actually have to read it. So can you stay on the naughty list a little longer please?

    1. Alice quite enjoys being naughty.

  11. Has Sad Pony adopted Rudolph as his new playmate? In which case you should go check to see if Miss Four Eyes is hiding him. Oh and for the love of everything please stay Naughty. Nice is boring.

    1. Rudolf might be irritated that Sad Pony does not play his reindeer games. Rudolf flies. Sad Pony doesn’t move. Too much effort.

      Naughty FOREVER!

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