A letter to Santa from his attorney

Today I am proud to announce my very first guest blogger, Ravin from Ravin’s Rantings.  Ravin has been my friend since I was just a 12 year old slightly deranged person.  We are a tad older now, but she is still here – and now on my blog!  Her firm is representing Santa, but it doesn’t look good for him, you guyz.  Check it out: 

Dear Mr. Claus,

I was alarmed and saddened to hear of the recent situation you face with Alice. We here at Elf Law are of course at your service. I must, however, advise you to settle out with Alice, for several reasons.

First, a lawsuit would not go well. The bad publicity would threaten your endorsement contracts with Coca-Cola and retailers.

Secondly, while I am aware that you have declared the North Pole a sovereign nation and yourself Absolute Dictator for Immortal Life, Russia and Norway would likely dispute your claim. Further, the North Pole Code took over five hundred years to develop in its modern form through careful negotiation between you and the native population of Elves. You already have a dubious track record with indigenous people:

If word of the nuclear power plant violation of the North Pole Code got out, The Elves Local #1 would strike, and force you to source new workers and move your workshop off-planet. Child labor trafficking isn’t as cheap as it was in the 50′s, Santa. You really don’t want to go there. You already have a criminal record, need I remind you?

I think it is also pertinent to remind you what happened the last time you allowed a feud with a mortal to escalate.

And it is no shock that Rudolph ran away. It’s entirely possible Rudolph is in cahoots with this Alice person.

Remember, he's done it before.

Remember, he’s done it before.

In conclusion, the next time you have a dispute with a mortal, I suggest you call our office immediately, before taking actions that may be grounds for an emotional distress tort claim. Unfriending her and unfollowing her were reasonable decisions. Taunting and provoking a clearly unstable person by mentioning that you had done so may have gone beyond the bounds.

Had you simply cross-referenced her against our records, you would have found that you were under no obligation to respond to her letter or deliver anything to her, as your contract requires only delivery to minor children and she is an adult, pinafore notwithstanding. Additionally, Wonderland is outside our delivery area because of the undue hazard of entering the jurisdiction of the Red Queen and the relative lack of mortal children there.

However, given the mess you have made of the situation, taking her offer of an exchange in an alternative delivery location would be the prudent action at this time.


Raven Elf,

Elf Law, L.L.C.

12 responses

  1. I think all that’s left is to expose Santa as a transvestite and you’ll have destroyed him completely! Santa Maria!

    1. That’s it, I like it, now to set up the hidden cameras . . .

    2. As Santa’s attorney I must warn you that you have no proof that Santa is a transvestite. If you do have proof,and it is forged. Even if your proof is genuine being a transvestite is a private lifestyle choice that is no one’s business but Santa’s. Even if it becomes public knowledge, it is a lawful activity and in no way a breach of any obligations or duties Santa owes to the public, or his employees, and to the extent that you mar his reputation you may be liable.

      Okay, we’ll throw in a purple pegasus unicorn. That’s Santa’s final offer.

      1. As the legal representative of the Purple Pegasus Unicorn, I hereby notify you of intention to file suit for personal injury sustained through the negligent throwing of my client.
        You can settle out of court. Our price is one, certified genuine, photograph of Santa in a dress 🙂

        1. Pfft. Everyone knows that purple pegasus unicorns are legally classified as livestock, and as such cannot bring suit. Which is all Santa wears–a red suit.

  2. Haha! Never take up fights with Alice, she is no ordinary mortal.

    1. No, she is a delightfully odd one.

  3. Poor Santa. He had no idea what he was getting into…

    1. You’d think after a few thousand years he’d learn.

  4. Santa should know when he’s beat. I hope he decides to give up before you sue his red suit off his back…

    1. We really don’t want a naked Santa.

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