Tidings of Joy . . . or something

Good news!  Santa decided to settle out of court.  Rudolf has been safely returned so that he can fulfill his duties dragging Santa’s butt all over the freaking planet.  Lucky Rudolf.  And lucky Alice, for she has started getting presents from years past!  Today I got a My Little Pony from the 1980s.  You know, back when the ponies at least sort of resembled real ponies, if said ponies were purple with flowers on their butts.

Thanks, Santa!

Thanks, Santa!

Santa wasn’t the only one giving gifts.  Alice was also awarded a brand new award by thelesbiannextdoor.  It is top notch stuff, you guyz.  Check it out.

I have the best friends ever.

I have the best friends ever.

I am supposed to list 2 or 5 or 10 fascinating facts about myself.  Prepare to be fascinated, folks.  Unless I’ve told you this already.  Then pretend.

1. Alice has multiple degrees.  No really.   She has a BA in English, an MA in English, and an MLS (which means  the queen of libraries or something).  Irritatingly enough, these degrees do not add up to one PHD.  And so far, no one has called her Master.  Irritating.

2. Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job.  Even though she spent years making up crap about Moby Dick.  Life is not fair.

Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to come up with my own award.  I guess it is Christmas, so I should give you something.  Close your eyes.  Keep them closed.  You’ll be much happier.

There's plenty for everybody!

There’s plenty for everybody!

I told you to keep them closed.  Okay, look, I’m hoping for Photoshop for Christmas, because my paint program sucks.  You’ll have to accept the Christmas freaking spirit instead.  Don’t spend it all in one place.

Finally, Alice announces that she is taking a Christmas vacation.  She’s not going anywhere (of course), but she is taking a break from blogging.  For realz this time.  This is my Christmas present to myself (and probably to you as well).  Happy Freaking Holidays, whichever ones you are forced to endure lucky enough to celebrate!



39 responses

  1. Alice Alice where for art thou be Alice? You have such natural wit and I am amused by what you write. As for the Little Pony I so remember him/her as gifts for my girls. I think a break from blog-is-phere is necessary if only to keep our sanity. 🙂
    I wish you a beautiful Christmas and may the present you get to have from not being on here make you happy. Thank you for your humour and I’m glad I started following. xx

    1. Thanks! I’m glad you started following as well! I’m hoping to find a little sanity – do you think you can get that on Amazon? Probably the reverse. I hope you have a great Christmas as well. 😀

  2. I miss you already, Master! I’m a master too, so you can reciprocate by calling me Master Mercenary and I’ll call you Master Moby Dicker ~ Happy Holidays…did you ask for a Strawberry Shortcake doll? She stenches.

    1. Yes, Master! Strawberry Shortcake! I had those back when they were cool and came with animals that smelled like rancid whatever fruit. Apricot had Hopsalot the Rabbit, and Apple Dumpling had Teatime Turtle. I think Strawberry had a stupid cat or something. Why do I remember this stuff?

        1. That’s a new form of therapy, right?

  3. No one calls me master either. It’s a bummer. And you’re leaving just when I’m starting to come back. Big bummer. I imagine I’m way behind in my Fifty Shades studies. Stupid tonsils.

    1. We really should fix this master thing, I think. Oddly enough, I’ve been kind of slow on the 50 Shades recaps. I just don’t know why – oh yeah, because it sucks so much I want to set it on fire.

      I bet you could have sold the tonsils on Ebay.

  4. I will gladly call you Master. But one thing though, I just read on someone’s blog that a Master is a male dominatrix.
    Happy Freaking Holidays to you too!

    1. I could be a mistress then and . . . wait. That means something else. You know, that sucks. Men get all the cool titles.

  5. I like the award of “Nothing.” Best blog award yet…

    Have a great Christmas! (Or whatever the heck it is you celebrate. 😉 )

    1. You too (whatever the heck you celebrate)!

  6. That’s my fav award ever too 🙂
    Happy blog hols 🙂

    1. You toos, Panda. I would love to give nothing to everybody. Like that time I forgot to pack anything in my child’s lunchbox and she got to the cafeteria and opened it up and everyone knew I was the best mom ev-ah.

      1. Excellent! Teaching survival skills young eh!
        Happily tiny Pandas are foragers.

  7. Alice, you’re wonderful! It’s not surprising you have all those degrees. You’re a master in my book. I understand about taking a break. I’m with you there and I’m planning to do it, too! So, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you. May you have a peaceful and joyful holiday, for realz.

    1. Thank you, for realz! I hope you survive the holidays intact and that Santa makes good and gets you lots of awesome crap. I’ve got his number. Plus, I think Rudolf is now addicted to my reindeer food (ingredients: raw oatmeal and glitter).

      1. I have that same recipe for Rudolf. Here’s to more crap! I’m trying to downsize it this year.
        Thank you, Alice.

  8. “Somehow these degrees also didn’t get Alice a fabulous high-paying job.” Everyone who has ever studied English (me! me!) is right there with you, sister. Oh well, Master Burger Flipper at Fried Fat Emporium isn’t bad, right? Gotta go, now serving number 78.

    1. Ha, exactly. With my degrees I have worked at a daycare center, a retail bookstore, for minimum wage as a part time library worker, taking tickets at a football game, etc. They should make diplomas like driver’s licenses so you can whip them out and say “See, I really do have brains!”

  9. You smarty pants you! I’m just so excited that I have that exact little pony from the picture!

    1. Still? Cause that’s kind of cool. I can buy the silly things for my daughters and pretend they are for them and that I don’t kind of want to play with them.

      1. I do still have it! It’s in an old suitcase in the attic. As is an old suitcase of barbies. Lets just say that by the time I have kids, I so won’t have to buy any toys. They’ll be completely outfitted. Ponies, barbies, beanie babies, American Girl Doll.
        Oh god, I’m a packrat…

  10. English Degrees do not get you high paying jobs. Stork knows. My boss has no degree and he’s loaded. No fair. But I’m cleverer than he is and I take my satisfactions where I can get ’em.
    I love the nothing award. If I expect Nothing I won’t be disappointed. Nothing is awesome, Mistress Alice.

    1. I plan to give nothing all year long. As far as the degrees, I wish I could be a professional student, because that seems to be what college prepares you for – being a student.

  11. Belatedly I reply. I had that My Little Pony once upon a time. No idea what happened to it. Glad Santa came to his senses!

    1. I had several of the goofy things if I remember. And I remember their theme song “My little poooo-nyyyy, my little poooo-nyyy blah blah blah blah sparkles something . . .” I guess you could sing that one. 😀

      1. My mother made up the alternative lyrics “my little pony, skinny and bony”. That’s about as far as she got though.

        1. Ha, that’s good. An-o-rex-ic pooooonies!

          1. Only if EL James has written their storylines!

          2. The things she could do to ponies. Hi, friends, want to play in the Red Room? Nooooo!

          3. Random factoid from the front of today’s Daily Telegraph: The firm Travelodge reported that in the last 12 months, 20,000 books were left in their hotels all over the UK, and of that, about 7,000 were copies of 50 Shades of Grey.

            Maybe people left them because they’d realised just how poor the writing is!

          4. There was an article about some guy putting 50 Shades of Grey in place of those Gideon Bibles you find in hotels because he thought people would like to read those more. Seriously? I’d much sooner read The Song of Solomon than I would that crap. At least Solomon (or whoever) could write. If you’re into the pomegranate imagery and whatnot.

          5. Plus Solomon (or his ghost writer, or whoever) was all about them adoring each other, not about one dominating the other. Yes, the dude in Song of Songs gets a bit protective of the girl, but he’s protecting her from harm, not being the one causing her harm, or being control-freakishly-scary-like-a-certain-sparkly-vampire…

          6. Hands off my girl’s pomegranates! You are correct. Solomon would never have sparkled. You have to wonder what the other wives were thinking, though.

          7. Probably ways to make her come out in zits or something.

            As odd as it seems, there’s a certain innocence to Song of Songs. Certainly I’ve never found it awkward to read it out loud in church, but then I am quite a strange creature.

          8. I like the people that say it’s about Jesus’s relationship with the church, not sex. Like – um, Jesus was realllly concerned about the body parts of the church then.

          9. I think the people who say that are trying to stretch a metaphor beyond breaking point.

            I just went to close a tab where I’d replied to a different comment of yours, and mis-read the “your comment is awaiting moderation” line as “your comment is awaiting masturbation”. I have no idea what that says about my brain, other than perhaps I might be a touch dyslexic. (In fact, considering the options, that’s the one I’d prefer. I am supposed to have some sort of sense of decorum, after all.)

          10. Hahaha! It will be hard to look at that the same way again.

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