50 Shades of Christmas

Yeah, I know, I’m on a break.  But I just couldn’t let Christmas go by without destroying it with more 50 Shades crap.  You know that awful 12 days of Christmas song with the partridge and the slave giveaways?  Thing One pointed out that he’s giving this girl maids and drummers and whatnot.  Good point.  Anyway,  I was listening to it – involuntarily – and pondered in my heart what Christian might give to Ana for the 12 days of Christmas.  And here it is.  You’re welcome.

What the hell am I going to do with 11 bagpipers?

What the hell am I going to do with 11 bagpipers?

On the first day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . a buttplug for her tushy.

On the second day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . two nipple clamps

On the third day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . three leather floggers

On the fourth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . four sets of handcuffs

On the fifth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . FIVE HARD SPANKINGS!

Everybody sing!  Whap, whap, whap!

Everybody sing! Whap, whap, whap!

On the sixth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . .  six force fed meals

On the seventh day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . seven cable ties

On the eighth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . eight yards of duct tape

On the ninth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . nine gallons of booze

This is just for the weekend.

This is just for the weekend.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . ten idle threats

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . 11 hours of boinking

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Christian gave to Ana . . . 12 dumb emails, 11 hours of boinking, ten idle threats, nine gallons of booze, eight yards of duct tape, seven cable ties, six whips and chains . . .

FIVE  HARD SPANKINGSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I looked up spankings on google images for you guyz.  That's love.

I looked up spankings on google images for you guyz. That’s love.

four sets of handcuffs, three leather floggers, two nipples clamps and (sing it with me) a buttplug for her tushy!

Aw, that Christi-poo!  Always thinking of Ana and how to better control love her.  I bet all of you have a Christian on your Xmas list, amIright?  I know I do.  So I can beat the shit out of him.

You might be wondering when I’m getting back to Fifty Shades Flunked, er, Freed recaps.  In a year.  Which is actually pretty close (sadly).  Class will start up again next Monday.  Wheeee!  I’ve read ahead a little and wow, just wow, you won’t even . . . I just, it’s gonna be something.  Yeah.  Something.

We'll be just like that stick man falling into the black hole there.

We’ll be just like that stick man falling into the black hole there.

Tomorrow I have a Christmas special.  Cause I can’t go without a Christmas special when there was a Halloween and a Thanksgiving one, I mean, it’s expected.  Not really, but what the hell.  See you then, unless you’re stuck with your family or something horrible lovely like that.  If so, Merry Freakin’ Christmas (or Chaka Khan or whatever, it doesn’t matter if it’s not Christmas, you know).

Alice

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28 responses

  1. Brilliant – and you know how much I love fifty. A must share. And a merry Chaka Khan to you.

    1. Thanks. A Chaka Khan to every-one!

  2. Reblogged this on Fifty Shades of Tribute and commented:
    Merry Xmas and to all a goodnight….

  3. I was worried at first about the nine gallons of booze because that obvs is not enough for Ana Steele, but then I see you said it was only for the weekend, and that made much more sense.

    1. Totally. I debated over whether 9 gallons was enough for the weekend.

  4. I appreciate your dedication on looking up spankings on google. Now if that’s not a Christmas gift I don’t know what is. Merry Christmas to the Wonderland folk

    1. Ye, thou I look through the valley of the shadow of Google Images, I will fear no porn! Not even porn with naked Barbies in strange positions. Merry Christmas to the storks!

  5. You seem to be obsessed with this 50 shades stuph. Perhaps you should seek professional help?

    1. FIVE SHRINKS FOR ALIIIIIIICE!

      1. Can you make it to the fifth day?

        1. Good point. I guess I could take 1 Dr. Flynn, but he’s Christian’s shrink, and that would make it worse oh nevermind it is truly a lost cause . . .

  6. Haha! LOVE it! I really sang with you …………a buttplug for her tushy! 😀 It’s possible that someone may have heard.

    Oh, and James has a little Christmas special waiting for you at the end. Excited?!

    1. End of what? My tushy? What? I am excited all right. (screams)

      Hope you’re having fun with Sad Pony and Squirrel. I told Squirrel not to poop on your table.

      1. Thanks for that. He hasn’t pooped on the table yet, but that’s only because we never made it to the table…..

    2. Omg, I sang it outloud too! Got weird looks from the family… awkward…

  7. Ok I join the throng …I to sang it out loud but only the dog could hear me 😉 Very clever Ms Alice 🙂

    1. Ha, thank you. I hope the dogs weren’t too disturbed. 😀

  8. I want you to know that I actually sang this out loud. And it looks like the two people above me did as well. I think I’m gonna sing it again!

    1. Five hard spankingggggs does have a nice ring to it. Now where did I see the song saying Santa was a dick? I must find that blog post again. It was magic.

        1. Could be. Oh, you did the one with the Roomba. I love that one. I get people mixed up and am all hey I love it when you did this and they are like wtf Alice stop smoking w/ the Caterpillar and I think oh crap I should write this stuff down or something.

          Santa, you’re a dick, you’re a dick, you’re a dick!

          1. I did the Roomba, but I need to know who did the “Santa you’re a dick” one. Let me know when you figure it out!!

          2. It was Christopher! I finally figured out where you could find posts you had “liked”. Woot. http://chrisdevoss.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/dear-santa/

  9. I restrained myself from singing it out loud. Mainly because wherever I get online these days is in a communal place in the Priory and I don’t think it would do my chances of making it to 1st vows much good if the Sisters heard me singing the 50 shades version of 12 days of Christmas. They already think I’m mad as it is… I don’t want them to think I’m certifiable!!

    1. At least it’s not one of the hymnal ones – like “Away in the playroom, no buttplug for tushy”. (watches for possible lightning)

      1. Please stop. I need to be able to sing hymns and carols without thinking about these things! My brain doesn’t need any encouragement to wander off and think about anything other than what I’m supposed to be doing when I’m in Chapel, thank you!

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