Alice’s Christmas Special

Yay, it’s time for another Christmas special with Alice.  Is it that time of year already?  That time when everyone is happy, slappy with joy and the spirit of Macy’s and crap?  Yes, yes it is!  Am I going to ruin this lovely day for you just like I did Halloween and Thanksgiving?  Most likely.  Unless it’s ruined already.  If so, settle on down and let me tell you a story.

The story of Christmas goes like this.  Once upon a time, there was this couple who had to take the census but they lost the form so they had to go all the way across town to get another one.  But they were totally on welfare, see, so all they had was this used donkey that was on its last leg.  Literally, it just had one leg.  Made travel difficult.  Also, the girl, Mary, was preggers, and wanted to stop and pee for the 45th time that night.  Her husband, Joseph, was all “Like, we’re almost there, jeez” but he stopped anyway because you don’t mess with hormones.

Mary: I have to pee.Joseph: Again?

Mary: I have to pee.
Joseph: Again?

They tried to get a room at the inn, but the innkeeper was like, crap, it’s Christmas, like I have any rooms?  (buh-dum-dum!) Then Mary had to go into labor, because babies always pick the most convenient times to be born.  So Joseph, being a man, decided they’d just deliver the baby in that sterile barn over there.  And Mary said, “Are you freaking kidding?” But like, the nearest hospital was like, a long way away and the one-legged donkey was dead so they went to the barn.

Fortunately, there was a cow that happened to be a super good midwife, so Mary managed to deliver the baby with only the usual amount of horrific pain and screaming.  This was a memory she treasured up in her heart, for who wouldn’t want to remember giving birth while a dirty sheep bleated in your ear?  So they had this baby boy, but he wasn’t any ordinary boy, he was the son of God. That’s how the story goes, shut up.  But even being a special baby, the cow still charged them for the lowing and the innkeeper said they had to pay him up front for use of the barn and they didn’t have insurance so they weren’t gonna get to stay much longer.  That’s the breaks.

Did you at least bring me a diaper genie?

Did you at least bring us a diaper genie?

Anyway, they named him Jesus, and Joseph like tweeted the news out to the land, and people started showing up with presents and stuff.  There was gold, and incense, and Frankenstein – I’m not sure why he decided to come.  But no one brought baby wipes or Huggies, because that might have actually helped Mary out some.  Some obnoxious kid came with his drum and played until they kicked him out.  And Mary said to Joseph, “We will never buy Jesus a drum.  Ever.”

Then Santa Claus landed his sleigh on the roof of the manger, and Joseph said, “You are not part of this story.”  And Santa said,  “Look, I brought you guys the diaper genie.”  And Mary said Santa was okay with her.  So he got to stay.

Santa was totally there.  Shut up.

Santa was totally there. Shut up.

So anyway, all this happened on Christmas Day, which is why we celebrate Christmas by buying each other lots of expensive, useless crap in remembrance of the Wise Men and Santa and their gifts.  Oh, and Jesus too, because he grew up and did some cool stuff before we were jerks and killed him.  But that’s another story.  I’ll save it and mess up your Easter.

Now that you’ve heard the story, I’ll leave you with this picture of Thing Two’s gingerbread house.  She said, and I quote, “I ran out of licorice for the “Keep Out” sign.  And it looks like a homeless guy’s house.  Best I could do.”

homeless gingerbread man house1

Christmas is tough for gingerbread people.

Merry Christmas.


42 responses

  1. Haha. Great story! Merry Christmas!

    1. Thanks. Merry Christmas to you.

  2. Im experiencing a religious epiphany- pass the puffs!

    1. A religious epiphany with puffs? Ha, and my mother said she heard lightning bolts when she read this.

  3. This is the version that should be taught in Sunday School.

    1. I would totally go back to Sunday School if it was more like that. Would you believe people hate to Bible study with me?

  4. Ha ha, Alice. You in no way messed up my Christmas. I never thought about Mary giving birth with a bleating sheep in her ear, which certainly must have been the case. Merry Christmas to you! I love Thing Two’s comment.

    1. Thanks. She pops off with some interesting stuff – I wish I had a pencil and paper at all times to write it down, but then I’d miss it. And no one ever touches on Mary giving birth in a barn – I mean, that would have to suck I’m thinking. Merry Christmas!

  5. Love it. That’s the best Christmas story I’ve read for a long time. 🙂

    1. Yay! And to think my husband wouldn’t let me tell this version before we opened the presents.

      1. All I can say to that is that he was the one who missed out. 😉

  6. WAY better than that thing they read at church on Christmas Eve. That story is ALWAYS the same, ad this had some nice new twists! I totally appreciate that!

    1. They really should mix those Bible stories up a bit – you know, keep people on their toes.

      1. Yeah! Like Eve should be stuck in a whale that’s travelling inside an ark. And Goliath will come rip the whale apart, and she’ll spring forth three days after she died and get a woman named Jezebel pregnant!

    2. It’s genius! I like it. It has just the right combination of weird and confusing as the real Bible stories. How about this? Moses parts the Red Sea and finds Jesus who had been hiding there THE WHOLE TIME.

      1. BRILLIANT! Omg, if that was a film, it would be oscar worthy!

  7. I loved your version such a funny, talented Alice you are 🙂

    1. And I still have yet to be struck by lightning. Thanks!

  8. The Pope should’ve taken notes for his Christmas mass (mas mass)

    1. Can you believe he won’t return my calls?

      1. The f*cker!!!
        I’ll send him a message on twitter

        1. Dude, can you totally follow the Pope on Twitter?

          1. Zomg, now I can ask him if I can borrow the Popemobile!

  9. That was beautiful, you really encapsulated the true meaning of Christmas and kept to the facts most importantly.

    1. Thank you. People don’t realize that Santa was deleted from the Bible by scribes who were mad about being on the naughty list.

  10. Truly splendid storytelling. I am in love. I would be all for you retelling other time-honored stories.

    1. That is a heck of a compliment coming from the 80s guru! Which time-honored story would you like for me to ruin, er, retell next? 😀

  11. Wait – where was the drunk uncle? Isn’t there supposed to be a drunk uncle present at all holiday events?

    1. I guess Santa could also double as the drunk uncle. He’s always climbing down chimneys instead of going in the front door.

  12. […] Alice’s Christmas Special (12/12/25) The story of Jesus and Santa. […]

  13. That was beautiful. Thank you for keeping the memory of the cow midwife alive.

    1. She deserves to be remembered. Yet another one those mean scribes wrote out of the book.

  14. I don’t know; I think some of this is pretty accurate. I mean, who wants to give birth in a barn surrounded by farm animals? Or even (as apparently is more “historically accurate”) a cold draughty cave? There’s a Christmas card design that says that if it had been three wise ladies, they’d have turned up on time, brought a casserole, nappies (diapers) and baby wipes, cleaned the stable, helped with the birth and generally made it a lot less messy.

    Everyone forgets that giving birth is not dignified, regardless of where it happens, and yet the crib scene is always serene…

    1. Yes! Exactly. Most of the time Mary is sitting up on her knees (ouch) and the baby is so clean (did they dunk him in the cow’s water trough?). In some scenes it’s like Jesus is six months old and already sitting up (and possibly giving sermons, who knows). At least you hope he’s older, cause giving birth to a 12 pound Jesus would be tough. I mean, still an honor and all, but ouch. I think about these things too much. I love the three wise women idea. 😀

      1. There’s one carol/hymn which we sang yesterday which has the line “the ancient of days is an hour or two old”, and also says “in measure a span”. It’s a reminder that God did the unexpected, and that the baby turned up in the normal way that babies turn up – and that it would not have been easy, and that Mary probably did scream her head off and Joseph probably got kicked by the donkey, and that being divine doesn’t stop you from having to deal with human problems as well.

        1. I like that! What is the hymn called?

          1. I’ve completely forgotten the first line of it, but I’ll look it up for you.

          2. Because I’m nice like that, I’ve not only found them, but typed out the lyrics for you.

            The tune that goes to this hymn is called “A virgin unspotted”, which cracks me up every time I see it.

            The great God of heaven is come down to earth,
            his mother a virgin, and sinless his birth;
            the Father eternal his Father alone:
            he sleeps in the manger; he reigns on the throne:

            Then let us adore him, and praise his great love:
            to save us poor sinners he came from above.

            A babe on the breast of a maiden he lies,
            yet sits with the Father on high in the skies;
            before him their faces the seraphim hide,
            while Joseph stands waiting, unscared, by his side:

            Lo! here is Emmanuel, here is the child,
            the Son that was promised to Mary so mild;
            whose power and dominion shall ever increase,
            the Prince that shall rule o’er a kingdom of peace:

            The Wonderful Counsellor, boundless in might
            the Father’s own image, the beam of his light;
            behold him now wearing the likeness of ma,
            weak, helpless, and speechless, in measure a span:

            O wonder of wonders, which non can unfold:
            The Ancient of Days is an hour or two old;
            the Maker of all things is made of the earth,
            man is worshipped by angels, and God comes to birth:
            Then let us adore him, and praise his great love:
            to save us poor sinners he came from above.

          3. Yay! Thanks for digging that up.

  15. […] Santa arrived with a diaper genie for Jesus, hallelujah, the end.  What?  You missed that one?  LINK DROP!  Happy holidays I mean zomg MERRY CHRISTMAS. (Click to enlarge pictures – if you […]

  16. […] I like the word “bereft”.  I also missed Christmas day, but then I have had other Christmas specials if you want to check them out.  Come on, you have nothing better to do but work and I know […]

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