Wow, we’re back. Did you enjoy your Christmas (or whatever) vacations, boys and girls? Did you get lots of good toys? You know what I mean (wink, wink), hahahahahaha – oh shit, I hate these books.
But no one said school was supposed to be easy. No, it’s supposed to be hard. So hard. So hard you could etch glass, that’s how hard. It’s a new semester, and almost a new year, and we have like 500 chapters more to go of this book and wow I’m starting to wish we covered Moby Dick, aren’t you? Why the hell did he name that whale that? Is there something Melville knows that we don’t?
Anyway, speaking of classics, we return to 50 Shades of Shite. In case you’ve forgotten (I know I sure as hell tried to) last we left Ana-kins, she had disobeyed her master and peed all over the floor. I mean, she went out drinking with a friend. And she came back to find Jack Hyde tied up on the floor, which was weird, cause normally it’d be her tied up while Christian whacked her with a newspaper. And we wondered what Christian’s reaction to this intruder would be.
Well, he doesn’t shoot everybody (damn it), and he obviously doesn’t do something wacky like get better security. Which leaves B) he wants to beat the shit out of Ana. While I admit this is a natural reaction to meeting Ana, it seems an odd one considering the circumstances, but what do I know? Except that Barbara Walters said the writer of this crap-o-la was the one of the most fascinating people of 2012. Lesbiannextdoor brought us that terrible news, if you’ll recall:
“Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!”
If only, Les, if only. Have a bonus point. Okay, since we’re still here, let’s get to it. Right away, we find out Hyde isn’t dead, he just turned into Jekyll and got in through the service entrance. I can’t remember anyone doing that before oh wait yeah I do and her name was Leila. Awesome security there, dumbasses (facepalm). The Scooby team also hasn’t restrained him yet, cause they don’t have rope. Who could possibly have something like that OH I KNOW. Ana saves the day by producing cable ties (facepalm). Thank God she was there. I’m surprised she didn’t also bring handcuffs, a ballgag, and a buttplug just for funsies (facepalm).
We also find out that – dun dun dun – Jack had a gun! This is a huge shock cause how weird for a criminal to break in to an apartment while armed (facepalm). Then Ana says something oddly sensible, ie that they should call the fucking cops. She thinks hey she wasn’t there so she didn’t get kidnapped so maybe she won’t be in trouble. With her husband, not the guy that just broke in (RedFlag). Keep it straight, you guys.
Ana can’t reach Our Hero because he was madfaced and turned off his phone so theres Ana! (RedFlag) The detective comes and leaves (like who cares he’s not Christian, gawd) and Ana goes to bed. She wakes up to find Christian burning a hole into her skull with his eyeballs. (RedFlag) Ana asks if he’s still madfaced at her for going out and he says he is SO MAD so Ana crawls in his lap. (AnaFail, WTF) They cuddle, and he plays with her hair and whispers lovingly in her ear “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!) Gawd, that is so romantic.
Next morning Ana tries to sexytimes him (sexytimes), but he is still mad – at her – for not being there to be kidnapped by Jack. (RedFlag, facepalm) We get to hear Ana’s discussion with Mrs. Jones about what she wants for breakfast– it’s an omelet. With mushrooms and spinach. And cheese. I just thought you should know that, since James felt the need to point it out. (BoredNow) Ana asks Christian if she can take her own car (AnaFail) and nope, but Ana is just relieved he’s letting her go to work (AnaFail, RedFlag). What a guy. Christian is not too pissed to shove his tongue down Ana’s throat as a goodbye, before going back to being pissed again. (WTF, RedFlag)
Ana gets to work and just in time for more emails! (AliceScreams)
She wonders whether he came back because of the intruder or her having a drink. Lemmie think here. They email back and forth with this question (AliceScreams, BoredNow) and finally Ana tells him off in an email. Way to grow an online spine, Ana-kins! I’m sure this will have a positive effect on your reasonable husband (facepalm)
She meets with the detective again for like two sentences cause like who cares about that shit? (facepalm) Then she leaves work, having completed two Elmo pictures that both got smiley faces. Productive day. She gets home to find Christian in those pants (AliceScreams) – the ones from the playroom. Christian says, “Good to have you home. I’ve been waiting for you.” (RedFlag) Bwahahahahaha.
Final Score: 100 – 46 – 60 = -6
Next time, on the Dumb and the Brainless . . .
Christian sexytimes tortures Ana – again. And Ana has to yell the safeword, which is . . .
C)Feminism is dead
But WAIT, there’s more! Exciting times, you guyz. We have new students who may or may not know they’re students. Susan L Daniels and RoS, poets extraodinaire who I have led to the darkside of literature. Yay, me. Also, there has been an inbalance in the Force! Jill has assumed the lead, folks. It is neck and neck or “down there” and “down there” or . . . what the hell am I saying?
GiggsMcGill Jill 28 + 4 = 32
faithhopechocolate 29 + 2 = 31
Storkhunter 28 + 1 = 29
MissFourEyes 22 + 4 = 26
Speaker7 20 + 2 = 22
Ravinj 20 + 1 = 21
Carrie Rubin 19
Lesbiannextdoor 11 + 2 + 1 = 14
Love and Lunchmeat 9
Doggy’s Style 7 + 1 = 8
TAE 5 + 2 = 7
The Bumble Files 6
Angel Fractured 5
Ruby Tuesday 4
Jen and Tonic 4
Susan L Daniels 3
Lulu Stark 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1