50 Shades Flunked: Lesson 10

Wow, we’re back.  Did you enjoy your Christmas (or whatever) vacations, boys and girls?  Did you get lots of good toys?  You know what I mean (wink, wink), hahahahahaha – oh shit, I hate these books.

But no one said school was supposed to be easy.  No, it’s supposed to be hard.  So hard.  So hard you could etch glass, that’s how hard.  It’s a new semester, and almost a new year, and we have like 500 chapters more to go of this book and wow I’m starting to wish we covered Moby Dick, aren’t you?  Why the hell did he name that whale that?  Is there something Melville knows that we don’t?

A “cuddly” classic – just like 50 Shades.

Anyway, speaking of classics, we return to 50 Shades of Shite.  In case you’ve forgotten (I know I sure as hell tried to) last we left Ana-kins, she had disobeyed her master and peed all over the floor.  I mean, she went out drinking with a friend.  And she came back to find Jack Hyde tied up on the floor, which was weird, cause normally it’d be her tied up while Christian whacked her with a newspaper.  And we wondered what Christian’s reaction to this intruder would be.

Well, he doesn’t shoot everybody (damn it), and he obviously doesn’t do something wacky like get better security.  Which leaves B) he wants to beat the shit out of Ana.  While I admit this is a natural reaction to meeting Ana, it seems an odd one considering the circumstances, but what do I know?  Except that Barbara Walters said the writer of this crap-o-la was the one of the most fascinating people of 2012.  Lesbiannextdoor brought us that terrible news, if you’ll recall:

“Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!”

If only, Les, if only.  Have a bonus point.  Okay, since we’re still here, let’s get to it.  Right away, we find out Hyde isn’t dead, he just turned into Jekyll and got in through the service entrance.  I can’t remember anyone doing that before oh wait yeah I do and her name was Leila.  Awesome security there, dumbasses (facepalm).  The Scooby team also hasn’t restrained him yet, cause they don’t have rope.  Who could possibly have something like that OH I KNOW.  Ana saves the day by producing cable ties (facepalm). Thank God she was there.  I’m surprised she didn’t also bring handcuffs, a ballgag, and a buttplug just for funsies (facepalm).

Ana thinks these are a "marital device".

Ana thinks these are a “marital device”.

We also find out that – dun dun dun – Jack had a gun!  This is a huge shock cause how weird for a criminal to break in to an apartment while armed (facepalm).  Then Ana says something oddly sensible, ie that they should call the fucking cops.  She thinks hey she wasn’t there so she didn’t get kidnapped so maybe she won’t be in trouble.  With her husband, not the guy that just broke in (RedFlag).  Keep it straight, you guys.

Ana can’t reach Our Hero because he was madfaced and turned off his phone so theres Ana! (RedFlag)  The detective comes and leaves (like who cares he’s not Christian, gawd) and Ana goes to bed.  She wakes up to find Christian burning a hole into her skull with his eyeballs. (RedFlag)  Ana asks if he’s still madfaced at her for going out and he says he is SO MAD so Ana crawls in his lap. (AnaFail, WTF)  They cuddle, and he plays with her hair and whispers lovingly in her ear “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!)  Gawd, that is so romantic.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Next morning Ana tries to sexytimes him (sexytimes), but he is still mad – at her – for not being there to be kidnapped by Jack. (RedFlag, facepalm)  We get to hear Ana’s discussion with Mrs. Jones  about what she wants for breakfast– it’s an omelet.  With mushrooms and spinach.  And cheese.  I just thought you should know that, since James felt the need to point it out. (BoredNow) Ana asks Christian if she can take her own car (AnaFail) and nope, but Ana is just relieved he’s letting her go to work (AnaFail, RedFlag).  What a guy.  Christian is not too pissed to shove his tongue down Ana’s throat as a goodbye, before going back to being pissed again. (WTF, RedFlag)

Ana gets to work and just in time for more emails! (AliceScreams)

Why the emails?  Look at kitteh!  Look at her!

Why the emails? Look at kitteh! Look at her!

She wonders whether he came back because of the intruder or her having a drink.  Lemmie think here.  They email back and forth with this question (AliceScreams, BoredNow) and finally Ana tells him off in an email.  Way to grow an online spine, Ana-kins!  I’m sure this will have a positive effect on your reasonable husband (facepalm)

She meets with the detective again for like two sentences cause like who cares about that shit? (facepalm) Then she leaves work, having completed two Elmo pictures that both got smiley faces.  Productive day.  She gets home to find Christian in those pants (AliceScreams) – the ones from the playroom.  Christian says, “Good to have you home.  I’ve been waiting for you.” (RedFlag)  Bwahahahahaha.

Final Score: 100 – 46 60 = -6

She ALMOST made it to Double Jeopardy, but Alex is still not impressed.


Here we go again.

Here we go again.

Question Ten:

Next time, on the Dumb and the Brainless . . .

Christian sexytimes tortures Ana – again.  And Ana has to yell the safeword, which is . . .

A) Red

B) Popsickle

C)Feminism is dead

But WAIT, there’s more!  Exciting times, you guyz.  We have new students who may or may not know they’re students.  Susan L Daniels and RoS, poets extraodinaire who I have led to the darkside of literature.  Yay, me.  Also, there has been an inbalance in the Force!  Jill has assumed the lead, folks.  It is neck and neck or “down there” and “down there” or . . . what the hell am I saying?

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 28 + 4 = 32

faithhopechocolate 29 + 2 = 31

Storkhunter 28 + 1 = 29

MissFourEyes 22 + 4 = 26

Speaker7 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 20 + 1 = 21

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 11 + 2 + 1 = 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  7 + 1 = 8

TAE 5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

33 responses

  1. What an imagination you have girl – having fits over the word sexytimes and“I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!) Gawd, that is so romantic.:-) Classic post – well done Ms Alice

    1. Thank you. James gives me so much to work with. 😀 Glad to have you in my mythical class!

  2. Do you really have to read this for school? If so, you might look into a transfer…

    1. I know. This is worse than Moby Dick. But WHY was he called Moby Dick? Think about that one.

      1. Maybe cause Ahab was pissed that he couldn’t catch him and just called him a dick all the time? And Moby was just him not being able to pronounce Mobile correctly? Maybe was really saying Mobile Dick, but he had a speech impediment.

        1. Or maybe Ahab was jealous of Moby’s package?

          1. Well, let’s be honest. All of us men would love to have a package as big as a whale’s.

          2. And all of us women would run in terror. You want to put that WHERE?

          3. Hence the expression…tear you a new…well, you know.

          4. Oh god, I think reading this conversation just put so many sayings from my childhood into the gutter… I’m going to go cry in a corner as terrible pictures involving whales dance through my head… and also hope that James never sees this or she’s going to have ideas for a new book…

    1. Short and sweet, Ravin. I had to go back and see what I wrote for B – I’d already forgotten.

  3. C! Ana the proud supporter of C! Femini….what?

    1. She sees that word and her teeny tiny brain switches gears and goes in reverse.

  4. GO Jill! *waving pomp pomps*

    1. We should get her some pomp pomps – it goes along with the school thing (Pomp and Circumstance is the reason I graduated so many times). Wait, I’m thinking you meant pom poms. Also I’m being a jerk. 😀 Go, Jill!

      1. What the heck is a pomp pomp? Oh, I said that *face palm*. I meant pom poms 😛

        …..I bet a pomp pomp is some freaky sex toy. James has screwed up my head for good.

        1. Dude, I’m taking the pomp pomps. Who doesn’t love sex toys. After reading these recaps – they’re all I want in life!

          And thanks for the support! The boobs definitely need it – since bras are just another of man’s way to subjugate women. FEMINISM!!

          (p.s. I actually love bras, and do wear them. Totes don’t want to resemble those African ladies in National Geographic when I’m 60!)

  5. Feminism has never been dead…EL and Ana just don’t know it exists or what exactly it’s for…
    As for the save word…how about “No”? She hardly ever says it, it seems, so it could work.

    1. True. What part of no does she not understand? Any of it. Ana think words harrrd.

      1. “50 Shades of Yes”

  6. Bad Bad Ana not being at home to allow herself to be tied up and beaten. How dare she!! She totally deserves being tortured until she screams “Red Red Red.”

    I’m falling behind. I’d better pull my school socks up or I might get a spanking.

    1. Squirrel has the paddle ready. He’s a little too excited. He keeps chirping “Miss Four Eyes baaad!” I don’t get him.

  7. Cheesus cripes, I remember how much I enjoyed this passage the first time I tortured myself with it. I can’t wait for the RROP time because I’m planning to beat myself with a shovel beforehand. The safeword Ana uses is “fart blossom.” I know that’s not one of the choices. Please do not detract points. I want to put this on my resume.

    1. Fart blossom would be the perfect safe word. It could also be Christian’s nickname for Ana’s butt. You should totally put this on your resume. People would be seriously impressed.

  8. It’s probably popsickle. Because that makes it seem cute, which apparently makes it all right.

    It should be “leave me the f*** alone you sadistic w****r”. Or “Do that one more time and I’ll get you with the 20 inch dildo when you least expect it”.

    1. Yes! All of those plus “Hello POLICE.” If he goes to prison, I’m willing to bet he’d quickly get the dildo treatment!

      1. He’d be the bitch of all the hard macho types before anyone could say “dildo”. Because they’ll actually be hard macho types, unlike Christi-poo who is less macho than a four-day-old kitten, and only gets off on beating up women. (Christi-poo gets off on beating women, not the four-day-old kitten, obviously.)

  9. Oh man, I’m so excited – I just can’t hide it! The force will finally go to the dark side! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Except not, cause I get all squidgy when I try to do something bad… *sigh*

    But guesses! Ok, totally C. Or something about “you’re my daddy!” Cause Christian would probably dig something like that…

    1. Also, I was so excited to see that I could still attend this class! Working is such a drag and takes up all my time 😦 (which mainly means that I don’t have access to internet and trying to read posts on your phone is just so exhausting!)

      1. You don’t have a job with internet access? Bummer. Cause we people with internet access at our jobs – um, er, are always using it purely for work related tasks. Yes, we are.

        1. Nope, I’m an almost-waitress. No internet except on my phone. *sob*

    2. He totally would. And so would Ana, what with all her little girl sexual imagery. I really hate those two.

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