Alice’s New Year

Here is yet another post with my name in it.  They’re like children’s books, only not.  This post is about Ye Olde New Years Resolutions.  I did one of these posts last year, and managed to accomplish everything on the list!  Of course the list included things like breathing, eating, and going potty, so admittedly it was not the biggest challenge, considering I am not handicapped.  Well, not physically anyway.

Of all the New Year gifs, this one was the creepiest.

Of all the New Year gifs,
this one was the creepiest.

But this year I thought I’d do a little research into resolutions.  And by a little, I mean a very little.  I googled “new years resolutions” and picked the first thing.  I found an article on that listed the top ten New Year’s resolutions.  This guy is really fond of Pittsburgh.  He manages to work local attractions into every single item on the list.  That’d be fascinating if I lived anywhere near Pittsburgh.  Maybe.  Anyway, here they are:

1. Spend More Time with Family and Friends

Wait, what?  I just got through Christmas with these people.  Like I want to spend anymore time with them?  These are the guys that make me actually want to go back to work.  Maybe I’ll tell them to meet me at popular Pittsburgh places for family fun.

Two seconds till the kid on the left pops her sister.

Two seconds till the kid
on the left pops her sibling

2. Fit in Fitness

According to this article, “regular fitness has been associated with more health benefits than anything else known to man”.  He doesn’t list a source for this.  I’m suspicious.  Sure, exercise sounds fun, if you’re insane.  But there’s got to be an easier way to achieve this fitness thing.  Like one of those fat magnets.  I’m getting one of those, although I’ll be sure to check out Pittsburgh area charity walks, runs, and rides.  The ride one sounds pretty good, provided I am riding in a car.

Reason 873 I hate fitness.

Reason 873 I hate fitness.

3. Tame the Bulge

So, like 66 percent of Americans are overweight or obese (hence bulge, get it?)  I admit I could stand to lose some pounds.  The article says the two most important factors in losing weight are setting reasonable goals and staying focused.  I thought it was not eating so many Cheetos and exercising till I fall over.  I guess I could read these Pittsburgh weight loss help ideas but oh, hey, Honey Boo-Boo is on!

Great.  A smartass scale.

Great. A smartass scale.

4. Quit Smoking

This is a good one because I don’t smoke.  I am rather annoyed when other people do it around me because of this thing called asthma that can make it hard to breathe even clean air.  I get chronic bronchitis and recently recovered from pneumonia, the lung disease from hell, so oddly enough, I’m not fond of breathing in second-hand poison.  If I’m dying of lung disease, I’d rather it be from my own stupid habits, not yours.  So stop it, preferably by going to quit smoking classes in the greater Pittsburgh area.

When I breathe smoke (or most anything else) it changes to these darling creatures and makes my lungs green.

When I breathe smoke (or most anything else) it changes to these darling creatures and makes my lungs green.

5. Enjoy Life More

I don’t know about you, but those earlier resolutions don’t seem to fit with this one.  If you are spending all your time exercising, dieting, and hanging around with your family while wearing nicotine patches, I’m guessing you aren’t enjoying life all that much.  You know what would help with that?  A chocolate cake with a lit cigarette candle.  Wait, no, sorry.  My bad.  Find some things to do in Pittsburgh instead.



6. Quit Drinking

If you weren’t having enough fun with your diet, exercise, family-time, non-smoking, enjoyable life, here’s another guilt trip for you.  You drink too much.  This is another thing I don’t have a problem with, as alcohol is way too expensive and I am way too cheap.  Also, it doesn’t rot out my teeth in quite the same way as my Dr. Pepper addiction does.  But it’s a good idea not to drink so much, because you really can’t trust your friends not to do stupid stuff with your drunk self.  At least I couldn’t.  Instead, find alcohol recovery and support.  In Pittsburgh.  Of course.

Hey, look at all the pretty bottles, no DON'T.

Hey, look at all the pretty bottles, no DON’T.

7. Get Out of Debt

Is there some reason that none of these resolutions sounds like fun?  What do these people have against fun?  Even our government can’t get out of debt.  They go around charging everything and they never have to show receipts.  No fair, I say.  Yet money woes are stressful, so it’d be best not to drink, smoke, sit, eat, be alone, or spend money.  Gosh I can’t wait to put this plan in action, you guys!  Let’s start the party by finding a financial planner in Pittsburgh!

So like I give them this card and money appears!  It's magic!

So like I give them this card and money appears! It’s magic!

8. Learn Something New

Crap, now I’m supposed to learn something?  That sucks.  I refuse to learn anything next year.  My recaps of the 50 Shades books should help with this.  Nevermind that I’m working in a library.  Not gonna learn a thing.  But if you want to learn, you can always find lifelong learning in Pittsburgh!  Step one: figure out where the hell Pittsburgh is.

50 Shades = Reverse Learning

50 Shades = Reverse Learning

9. Help Others

Yet another downer on the list.  Volunteerism?  I didn’t even know that was a word.  Oh, and guess where they think you should volunteer.  A library.  Cause like, all you have to do is read, amIright?  That sounds EASY.  Try it.  I dare you. Volunteering is like a job, only without the benefit of pay.  Which is sort of what every employer wants from you.  Don’t give in to their ploys!  It also mentions donating your stuff.  There’s lots of crap I could donate, like single socks.  But whatever you do, don’t donate National Geographic magazines to your library.  We don’t need them.  We literally have buckets of those stupid things, and overnight they breed.  Find some volunteer opportunities in Pittsburgh instead.  Be sure and bother their librarians.

Make sure the library you volunteer in is not in the inner city.

Make sure the library you volunteer in is not in the inner city.

10. Get organized.

Organized?  Hahaha.  I can’t even organize this list.  Let’s see, I’m not supposed to drink, smoke, or eat; but I should spend time with family exercising and volunteering by running around the library while I learn new stuff from those book thingies.  Or was that the other way around?  So confusing.  But hey, there’s a lady in Pittsburgh named Patty Kreamer (no really) who offers an e course on organizing.  That should help, if I can quit saying “kreamer” over and over in my head.

So there you have it.  Top ten resolutions for 2013.  Do you have any resolutions this year?  Do you live in Pittsburgh?  Let me know.

34 responses

  1. I think I will never live in Pittsburgh. I went there once for a lit conference, and spent one entire afternoon in the Warhol Museum. That was it, hotel and museum. That was enough, I think.

    1. Sadly I didn’t know where it was until I looked it up. For some reason I thought it was in Ohio. My geography skills leave something to be desired.

  2. I posted something similar lol I don’t live in Pittsburgh…eek don’t hate me I smoke BUT I am very mindful of the fact that annoys everyone who doesn’t.
    I want to learn more about poetry the fiddly little bits the intricacies of it. I hope to volunteer – reading to the elderly perhaps. I’m not in debt thankfully. I’m classified not overweight though I jump on the damn scales every morning to watch that I don’t get to be. I’m an organised gal. Fitness I walk or treadmill every day if I can. Quit drinking? Blimey wash your mouth out 😉 Did I cover it? 🙂

    1. I am only annoyed if someone smokes in my face, so you are a-okay. I think reading to the elderly would be great. That was my favorite part of working in the public library. The elderly people were so appreciative of people spending time with them. There isn’t anything much sadder than a sad older person. It makes me Sad Pony.

      I need to lose 20 pounds at least. I’m not seriously overweight, but like you, I don’t want to become so and it is very easy to do. Also I don’t want to have to buy larger sized clothes because I am cheap. Now to just stay away from my cola and cake addictions.

  3. I don’t make resolutions, and now that you’ve shown me I can just google them, I never will have to get around to compiling a list. Yay! Funny and helpful you are. 🙂

    1. Thanks. Google is so informative. I don’t know why they even have us librarians around anymore!

  4. This list depresses me. It’s the writing equivalent of a sad trombone sound.

  5. People want us to have unreasonable goals so we fail in 2013 but are rearin’ to go for 2014.

    1. Also so they can sell stupid weight loss products. You know what I love? The women’s magazines that say “10 ways to lose the bulge” and under that have the article “10 recipes for chocolate chocolate cake”. WTF.

      1. And we’re hairy and smell bad too …

        1. Which is why we must buy stuff to rip hair out of our legs and use perfumes that are really water and smelling salts in pretty glass bottles marked up 150 percent.

  6. New year’s resolutions? Nah. Probably get James outta my head. And stop talking to people about my granny panties. (Shoot, I did it again!)

    You should know that Sad Pony had a blast last night, for once I think he considered changing his name to, you know, something less sad. But now he is hungover. This is making him sad. It’s making me sad too because I finally potty trained the Squirrel but now I have a depressed vomiting pony on my hands!

    1. I love when my kids are sorting laundry and they find my underwear and are holding it out as far as it can go like wow, it’s a flag. Glad you and Sad Pony partied, but I agree that hungover ponies do not sound like much fun.

  7. It’s time with a loved one, keeps me fit, fights fat – yep, I resolve to knock one out more often… and I can’t smoke or drink or shop while I do it. It’s not new, or particularly helpful, be it keeps me ORGANised!
    First filthy comment of 2013 🙂

    1. I am so excited for the rest of 2013! If you have sex with a loved one, you are knocking out two at once – exercise and spending time with loved ones. Just as long as the loved one isn’t a cousin.

      1. Quite – that would be a loved wrong!

  8. Happy New Year, Alice!! I love your response to #5. Yes, exactly!! All of these are no fun, and we can’t accomplish them because we don’t live in Pittsburg. I have a little list. It’s short and it’s doing stuff I want. Spending time with friends is in there, read books, watch movies, try to have fun. There, that’s it! And, more sleep.

    1. Yes, if only I lived in Pittsburgh I could go get fit. Darn the luck! Actually I really would like to get fit. I just have this slight self-control problem. More sleep always sounds good, though. 😀

  9. Interesting list….so glad I’m not making any resolutions this year (or any other year for that matter) but if you actually try and do any of them I hope you have fun with it!
    Oh Happy new years by the way!

    1. Happy New Years to you – and everyone else. Let’s see how long till we screw it up – wait, no, I was not going to be as snarky this year. Already lost. Oh, well!

  10. Happy New Year, Alice!

    I have no resolutions, but I have one intention: Stay put in OHP for as long as God wants me to be here.

    And I don’t live in Pittsburgh, sorry!

    1. Sounds like a pretty good resolution to me.

  11. I only have one, not to do resolutions, haha, I am so hilarious and original.

    1. It’s like wishing for more wishes! I bet you can stick to your resolution better than those others.

  12. I already go to the gym three times a week. I guess I could start running the other days…
    I lost 15 pounds last year, so no need to diet. (We won’t talk about how it was from surgery, and therefore cheating. It’s gone. It counts)
    I live at home. That’s too much time with loved ones.
    I don’t smoke.
    Somehow not in debt (oh, right. Thanks mom and dad!)
    Other than drinking, I think this list is pretty checked off.

    Screw it. I’m gonna keep drinking.

    1. Losing pounds is never cheating. I was just pissed I didn’t lose any from the pneumonia. I mean, come ON, I must have spat up most of my body in mucus (you are welcome for that imagery.) I lived with my parents until I was 22. I say stay until you are financially ready (or until they drive you so up the wall you are considering parentcide.)

      By all means, drink, just don’t get in a car – seriously, I’d hate to have anything happen to my Jill girl. 😀

      1. AW ALICE! HUGGLES! And I love imagery of you spitting up mucus… so sexy…. … …

  13. Isn’t January depressing enough? Why do we insist on making it worse?

    1. We hate ourselves. Just saw this comment – oops.

  14. Don’t drink, don’t smoke…What do you do?

    1. Just call me Goody-Two-Shoes. 😀

      1. Ok, Adam Ant. Oh no wait, that’s me!

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