Here is yet another post with my name in it. They’re like children’s books, only not. This post is about Ye Olde New Years Resolutions. I did one of these posts last year, and managed to accomplish everything on the list! Of course the list included things like breathing, eating, and going potty, so admittedly it was not the biggest challenge, considering I am not handicapped. Well, not physically anyway.
But this year I thought I’d do a little research into resolutions. And by a little, I mean a very little. I googled “new years resolutions” and picked the first thing. I found an article on About.com that listed the top ten New Year’s resolutions. This guy is really fond of Pittsburgh. He manages to work local attractions into every single item on the list. That’d be fascinating if I lived anywhere near Pittsburgh. Maybe. Anyway, here they are:
1. Spend More Time with Family and Friends
Wait, what? I just got through Christmas with these people. Like I want to spend anymore time with them? These are the guys that make me actually want to go back to work. Maybe I’ll tell them to meet me at popular Pittsburgh places for family fun.
2. Fit in Fitness
According to this article, “regular fitness has been associated with more health benefits than anything else known to man”. He doesn’t list a source for this. I’m suspicious. Sure, exercise sounds fun, if you’re insane. But there’s got to be an easier way to achieve this fitness thing. Like one of those fat magnets. I’m getting one of those, although I’ll be sure to check out Pittsburgh area charity walks, runs, and rides. The ride one sounds pretty good, provided I am riding in a car.
3. Tame the Bulge
So, like 66 percent of Americans are overweight or obese (hence bulge, get it?) I admit I could stand to lose some pounds. The article says the two most important factors in losing weight are setting reasonable goals and staying focused. I thought it was not eating so many Cheetos and exercising till I fall over. I guess I could read these Pittsburgh weight loss help ideas but oh, hey, Honey Boo-Boo is on!
4. Quit Smoking
This is a good one because I don’t smoke. I am rather annoyed when other people do it around me because of this thing called asthma that can make it hard to breathe even clean air. I get chronic bronchitis and recently recovered from pneumonia, the lung disease from hell, so oddly enough, I’m not fond of breathing in second-hand poison. If I’m dying of lung disease, I’d rather it be from my own stupid habits, not yours. So stop it, preferably by going to quit smoking classes in the greater Pittsburgh area.
5. Enjoy Life More
I don’t know about you, but those earlier resolutions don’t seem to fit with this one. If you are spending all your time exercising, dieting, and hanging around with your family while wearing nicotine patches, I’m guessing you aren’t enjoying life all that much. You know what would help with that? A chocolate cake with a lit cigarette candle. Wait, no, sorry. My bad. Find some things to do in Pittsburgh instead.
6. Quit Drinking
If you weren’t having enough fun with your diet, exercise, family-time, non-smoking, enjoyable life, here’s another guilt trip for you. You drink too much. This is another thing I don’t have a problem with, as alcohol is way too expensive and I am way too cheap. Also, it doesn’t rot out my teeth in quite the same way as my Dr. Pepper addiction does. But it’s a good idea not to drink so much, because you really can’t trust your friends not to do stupid stuff with your drunk self. At least I couldn’t. Instead, find alcohol recovery and support. In Pittsburgh. Of course.
7. Get Out of Debt
Is there some reason that none of these resolutions sounds like fun? What do these people have against fun? Even our government can’t get out of debt. They go around charging everything and they never have to show receipts. No fair, I say. Yet money woes are stressful, so it’d be best not to drink, smoke, sit, eat, be alone, or spend money. Gosh I can’t wait to put this plan in action, you guys! Let’s start the party by finding a financial planner in Pittsburgh!
8. Learn Something New
Crap, now I’m supposed to learn something? That sucks. I refuse to learn anything next year. My recaps of the 50 Shades books should help with this. Nevermind that I’m working in a library. Not gonna learn a thing. But if you want to learn, you can always find lifelong learning in Pittsburgh! Step one: figure out where the hell Pittsburgh is.
9. Help Others
Yet another downer on the list. Volunteerism? I didn’t even know that was a word. Oh, and guess where they think you should volunteer. A library. Cause like, all you have to do is read, amIright? That sounds EASY. Try it. I dare you. Volunteering is like a job, only without the benefit of pay. Which is sort of what every employer wants from you. Don’t give in to their ploys! It also mentions donating your stuff. There’s lots of crap I could donate, like single socks. But whatever you do, don’t donate National Geographic magazines to your library. We don’t need them. We literally have buckets of those stupid things, and overnight they breed. Find some volunteer opportunities in Pittsburgh instead. Be sure and bother their librarians.
10. Get organized.
Organized? Hahaha. I can’t even organize this list. Let’s see, I’m not supposed to drink, smoke, or eat; but I should spend time with family exercising and volunteering by running around the library while I learn new stuff from those book thingies. Or was that the other way around? So confusing. But hey, there’s a lady in Pittsburgh named Patty Kreamer (no really) who offers an e course on organizing. That should help, if I can quit saying “kreamer” over and over in my head.
So there you have it. Top ten resolutions for 2013. Do you have any resolutions this year? Do you live in Pittsburgh? Let me know.