50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Eleven

Oh, good-y it is our first 50 Shades lesson of the New Year!  Try to hold onto that fresh, clean feeling for a few more minutes, cause it’s gonna be gone very soon, my friends.  At the end of the last chapter, our value-less valiant heroine Ana had arrived home to find Christian in those jeans hanging off his hips in that way, if you know what I mean.  Which I don’t.  He told Ana he’d been waiting for her, which from anyone else would mean “I’ve been waiting for you so we can hang out and stuff” but from Christian means “I’ve been waiting for you so I can murder you and stuff.”

My butcher knife and I have been waiting for you, Ana, bwahahahaha.

My butcher knife and I have been waiting for you, Ana, bwahahahaha.

But first the answer to the last tricky multiple guess question!  Ana’s secret word (everyone scream when she says it!) wasn’t popsickle, although she did use that earlier and it was oh so clever cause once she said Christian’s package was like a popsickle if you remember and if you didn’t look how I grossed you out.  And it wasn’t “feminism is dead” although that seems to be the general theme of this book.  Which leaves “red” as the secret word.  I say secret, cause there is no such thing as safe in these books.

Well, most people didn’t really try to answer the question, which is fine since I don’t pay much attention to the answers, being the totally professional professor of smut that I am.  Twindaddy said “Do you really have to read this for school? If so, you might look into a transfer…”  I wonder if you can transfer out of classes you teach?  I need to look into that, except I don’t think I could get anyone else to teach this without some of Ana’s marital aids being employed.  Bonus point for twindaddy for the suggestion.

But I guess I should get to the actual recap. Yippee.  Okay, so Christian is looming over Ana so of course she’s like “OMG he is so hot” but also “Shit-he’s still mad.” (AnaFail) Look, I think certain guys are really hot.  But I have this little thing called self-preservation that tends to short-circuit the “he’s hot” response when there’s a problem such as, oh I don’t know, my fucking life is in danger! (WTF)  But Ana likes bright shiny objects and big hunky objects, so she’s just screwed. (AnaFail)  Let’s watch and see!

Christian is so shiny.

Christian is so shiny.

So Christian says Ana “defied him” and “went back on her word” by going out with a friend. (RedFlag) What a bitch!  And Ana says she just changed her mind, cause, you know, she’s only a woman. (AnaFail) She also points out that since she was out, she wasn’t there to be kidnapped, and Christian hugs her and is all Zomg I could have lost you and died a thousand deaths (again) and I’m all why?(AliceScreams) Why book couldn’t he have lost her?  I’d like to see that thousand deaths thing!

So then it’s all forgiven, right?  Wrong.  Christian says he wanted to punish her but he was like afraid he might hurt her (you think?) but Ana is all “I know you’re not going to beat the shit out of me” because goddamn it she’s a moron. (Red Flag, AnaFail) Ana wants to talk more and Christian presses his erection into her again (AliceScreams) and why do people not notice that thing saluting them all the time? (FacePalm)  They do talk instead of sexytimes at first, which is good and bad cause they’re so fucking boring either way. (BoredNow)  There’s some blah blah about why there’s security, but not much, cause there’s no reason Ana should know anything cause if she did she might do something right which would mean Christian couldn’t punish her for peeing on the rug and stuff.  (RedFlag, WTF)

My sentiments exactly.

My sentiments exactly.

So Christipoo distracts her by saying she needs to eat (AliceScreams) and blindfolds her (cause that’s what you do when you eat) and says he’s going to feed her. (RedFlag) I wonder if he has a gold plated highchair for her.  Don’t forget the bib, Christian, in case she spits up! And he feeds her crap and she gets all hot “down there” in her hot pocket and says her “50 Shades” (AliceScreams) is so “mercurial” (AliceScreams) and James I don’t think that word means what you think it means.  So he goes on with this, like, FOREVER and then says “playroom.”  Everyone scream with Pee Wee! (RedFlag)

There is some foreplay shit and mention of his “happy trail” (AliceScreams) and damn it if I hear that one more time I might consider burning this expensive Nook Color.  Christian cuffs her to the cross on the wall and this reminds me of when they crucified Jesus, except Jesus at least had the dignity of keeping his legs together.  Ana, however, is naked and spread eagled on the torture device. (RedFlag) My heart is all aflutter, you guyz.

For some reason, I thought this was the perfect image for this expression.

For some reason, I thought this was the perfect image for this expression.

So there’s kissing and sucking (lots of suckage in this book) and teasing and stupid shit and Ana’s going all wild, except he won’t let her have an orgasm. (RedFlag)  I guess it’s because he didn’t order her to, and she’s not sure how unless he gives the command. (AnaFail) He gets her to the brink over and over but pulls back and says “See how frustrating this is” and Ana finally figures out that oh, the psycho is getting his revenge on her with sexytimes. (AnaFail, RedFlag) So Ana finally says the secret word “Red” (everybody screeeeeaaaaaam!) and Christian is all “Oopsie!” and unpins her from the wall.  What a guy.  Ana sobs cause what a week it’s been with a fire, a car chase, an armed lunatic and worst of all a slutty architect messing up her charmed life. (AnaFail) Yes these are all really mentioned in the same thought.

But it’s all okay cause then they cuddle afterwards (What-the-everlasting-fuck?) and Ana says she won’t be so selfish and will call (WTEF) and Christian is all whew and says “Your lips are so soft when you’ve been crying” (WTEF) which I guess is why he likes making her do that so much.  That lip obsession.  Also he’s a psychotic asshole.  So while they cuddle he tells her more about the guy who tried to attack her, which is totally normal pillow talk, and that he had a ton of horse tranquilizer for Ana that will now sadly be wasted and the very important information that Jack was born in Detroit and OMG so was Christian! (WTF)  Was this a plot point?  Oh who gives a shit?  Chapter End.

Final Score: 100 – 46 – 120 = -66

What is Squirrel’s opinion of this chapter?

I'd rather have a nut up my butt than read this shit.

I’d rather have a nut up my butt than read this shit.

Brings new meaning to POP, doesn't it?

Brings new meaning to POP, doesn’t it?

Question 11: (Fill in the blank!)

Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.  There are multiple possible answers for this one!

But WAIT, there’s more crap ahead! We have two new students – twindaddy and Ramblingsfromamum.  At least I think they’re new.  Everyone say “Hi, Ramblings and twindaddy!”  “Hi, Ramblings and twindaddy!”  Okay, now shut up.  Jill and faith have maintained their lead, though Storkhunter and MissFourEyes are closing in from behind. Cough.  If you’ll notice, Miss Four Eyes received an extra bonus point from Sad Pony.  He mentioned something about a wild party on her blog.  I’m not going to ask.  Now without further ado . . .

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 32 + 3 = 35

faithhopechocolate 31 + 2 = 33

Storkhunter 29 + 1 = 30

MissFourEyes 26 + 3 + 1 Sad Pony Point = 30

Speaker7 22 + 1 = 23

Ravinj 21 +1 =22

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

TAE 7 + 2 = 9

Doggy’s Style  8

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

twindaddy 4 +1 =5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

ramblingsfromamum 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1

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45 responses

  1. deary deary me….how much more of this crap do you have to read? I’m pretty certain you can swap classes as a teacher I had to once. Alice why do you torture yourself with this? lol

    1. Because . . . there’s a reason in there somewhere . . .

      1. You torture yourself for your students. For the betterment of your students. You’re so self-sacrificing!

  2. Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana breathed. It seems that’s all it takes for that twatnozzle to get mad at her! Uggghh this god damned book!

    Thank you for continuing your goal to recap them all – very funny post indeed:)

    1. Thank you. Ana is supposed to breathe in a certain rhythm, otherwise she’s cheating on him. He has scientific evidence for this so watches her constantly for slip ups.

      Twatnozzle is the perfect nickname for Christian, by the way.

      1. Is it like that blonde joke where she can’t breather without a cassette tape with his voice saying, “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”?

        1. Yes. God forbid they ever stop the tape. Wait. Stop the tape!

  3. This was an intense chapter because he was so hot with his pants on his hips, but yet then he was withholding with his pants on his hips in that way and I was like what the fuck did I just write? The correct answer is Christian’s all sad piano because Ana lost her vagina.

    1. He forgot he took off her vagina to take with him on his business trip (so she wouldn’t cheat on him or pleasure herself).

      I really, really wonder how they are going to convey Christian’s pants hanging in that way in the movie.

  4. Who’s the guy on the first pic? It reminds me of Speaker7’s Hugo with hair….

    1. How very apropos! It is supposed to be a sketch of what some people at a university (where they study this stuff) think Christian should look like. Seriously. I wrote it in a post a while back.

  5. Oh and:

    Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana discovers masturbation!

    1. I wonder if she can tie herself up first when she does that.

      1. *can’t wait* to find out…lol

  6. How do the bonus points work? Is it like the tickets you get at the end of a game at Chuck E Cheese? Can I buy a prize with them? If so, I want the chinese finger trap thingy so I can watch my kids get stuck in it again.

    1. You can totally buy a prize with them, but it will probably be worse than chinese finger traps. Or it will promote a new use of chinese finger traps.

      1. I think I already found a new use, but its not suitable for print.

        1. I bet it could be a case for Christian’s package, cause he’s not nearly as big as Ana thinks he is. I mean, he is the only guy she’s been with – what does she know? Anyway, I like the idea of that use.

          1. Honestly, from what I’ve gathered from recaps here on WP, Ana is a fucking retard and a disgrace to her gender. So, yeah, she’s dumb.

          2. Yup. This is not the book you’re looking for. 😀

          3. Most definitely not.

          4. Did WP just go freaking crazy on you too? WTF. Pick a style and stick with it. Preferably one that is functional.

          5. Yeah, it started yesterday. I don’t like it either.

  7. I’m confused. Christian plays the sad piano and Ana sucks the trombone? Because…she wanted to finish the chapter? Nah!! Because she washed her own butt plug? Because she DIDNT wash the butt plug! That’s IT!

  8. The gold plated highchair cracked me up! Knowing Christipoo he’ll use a thong for a bib.
    And thank you Sad Pony for the extra point, and our wild wild partaayy!

    1. I could totally see a thong bib. Sad Pony asks “How you doin’?”

      1. Oh Sad Pony! You turn my knees to jelly (a completely different jelly than the one Ana turns to though)

      2. How would a thong bib work? It wouldn’t really cover much would it??

        1. It’d cover a usual meal for Ana, which is molecules.

  9. Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana dies tragically (which is actually not very tragic for us) after her brain exploded from trying to learn the alphabet.

    1. Hahahaha! A, B . . . Christian . . . arghhhh!

  10. I just look at my copies in the book-shelf and laugh my head off 🙂 Alice you are brilliant!

    1. 😀 There are copies on your bookshelf? Do they contain mind altering chemicals? That’s the only reason I can see for so many women thinking they’re great. I hide mine on the Nook. What are you reading, Alice? Oh, uh, Pride and Prejudice, yes!

  11. Christian gets all sadfaced because Ana stops calling him her Fifty after she realises she only has ten fingers.

    1. Hahaha, that could be a problem. She couldn’t do it even if she added in both feet.

  12. Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana turns out not to be Bella from Twilight, but Christian appears to be Edward since he’s playing the piano and being sadfaced….

    1. Sad when Bella from Twilight is a better catch than you, Ana.

      1. I know right? But Bella let Edward beat her up too… but at least we didn’t have to read the details of that!

  13. A friend at the coffee shop was raving about these books, and how they changed her life. So, I suffered half-way through the first book. That was all I could take. I yelled my safe word.

    Then, a few weeks ago another friend told me that I just had to read the next two books (“..they get much better…Ana finally sticks up for herself….you simply must read them”)

    Now, here I am, I can’t force myself to finish the third book. I am an outcast among my friends. They pretend that they can’t understand why the books stink. They accuse me of being a prude.

    I am so glad that there are other people out there who understand.

    1. People are cruel. And dumb. Dumb and cruel. Stay here. It’s safe. Without a safe word. 😀

  14. Who cares what Ana does? She’s really dumb anyway. But I’m guessing Christipoo went all sadfaced because Ana probably mentioned his crack-whore mommy or something. Or maybe he just decided that he’s a complete heel and useless human being who’ll never actually be liked by any women with brains. Or maybe Ana had a brain transplant with a golden retriever and is now marginally more intelligent?

    Well, I guess EL James, her bank manager, her husband and her accountant care, but as for the rest of us? Nah. Better things to do with our time – like take the mickey out of said books.

    I can agree with Squirrel’s sentiments. I’m glad to see he’s ok – sadly one of his rellies died for no apparent reason just before Christmas, and was found by one of the gardners. I hope they gave the poor thing a proper burial – I just remember seeing the deceased resting on a bunch of flowers which were probably destined for Chapel on Christmas Eve!

    1. The golden retriever brain could only help. At least then she could fetch better and learn to properly obey.

      Squirrel swears he had nothing to do with the dead squirrel and that he should have known that doing that last kegger was not a good idea.

      1. Ah, but if she actually obeyed, would we have had the rubbishness of the books to make fun of?

        I had a feeling Squirrel would say something like that. At least he’s ok – even if his cousin bought it.

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