So I decided I needed to lose weight. This realization came about when I (1) stepped on a scale and saw a bad, bad number (2) saw myself in a picture in which my thighs were spread out like Manifest Destiny (3) realized I would soon need to buy new pants and I hate trying on pants with the power of a thousand exploding suns.
I figured a good time to start would be the New Year, which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand. But now that I’m here, I’m realizing something. This weight loss business? Yeah, it sucks.
I decided not to go with any of the regular diets, because I knew there was no way I was going to do anything like count points (Math is harrd), spend lots of money (Jenny Freaking Craig and the like), or eliminate key foods like meat (I am not a bunny) or bread (screw you, Atkins). So my pal Ravin found this thing on Facebook called Superbetter, and it’s great because it rewards you for stuff like breathing. No, really, it does.
I like rewards. Even meaningless point awards and “good job!” messages. This should come as no surprise considering my massive collection of blog bling. Superbetter sets up “Quests” for you, but don’t worry, you aren’t going to have to find some stupid ring like Frodo. The Quests involve little things that will let you (eventually, like maybe in 2015) reach your “epic win” defined as whatever you consider “epic”. I consider losing five pounds to be “epic” since I have yet to do so, at least on purpose. Also five didn’t sound as depressing as like fifty.
But beware, for there are “Bad Guys” that will keep you from reaching your win. No, I’m not making this up. Bad Guys include things like “liquid calories” which is one of my favorite forms of calorie. You can avoid these bad guys by using “Powerups” or simply putting “quotes” around every other word. Powerups can be anything from breathing (take five deep breaths before you kill your kids) to chugging a glass of water. I think it says chugging because that sounds better than drinking tasteless liquid.
Oh, and they say you should exercise too, the killjoys. But they start out simple. One of the suggestions is to get out of your chair and like stand every thirty minutes or so. I have that in the bag, man. I can stand like nobody’s business. It also suggests you get fresh air (Superbetter doesn’t understand stuff like allergies or, say, seasons – it’s freaking winter here!). But I have implemented some of these, because exercising is a good way to use all that extra free floating anxiety and AliceRage I keep stored up for a rainy day. If I exercise enough, I might not kill my coworkers with a stapler.
And I even stayed away from sugary colas for a week! Oh, how I miss thee, sugary syrup that can clean my car battery! But I just fell off the wagon because I’m cheap. I went in search of a diet drink in desperation because I was falling asleep at my desk. I pushed the button and out popped a regular drink, not a diet. It was like Fate, my friends. And I was way too cheap to let it go to waste. So I drank of it, even though it was a Pepsi and I don’t like Pepsi, but this Pepsi was superbetter than any other Pepsi I have ever tasted.
So obviously this is going to be a long road, complete with stupid quests, bad guys, and Pokemon powerups. But it says you do better if you share your quests with others. And the quests can be for lots of stuff, not just losing weight. I’m dragging Sad Pony and Squirrel along for the ride. Squirrel vibrates constantly and needs help with his caffeine, sugar, and meth nuts addiction. Sad Pony needs to get his pony butt off the floor and get happy already. Anyone else want to join me in my EPIC QUEST?