Epic Quests and crap like that.

So I decided I needed to lose weight.  This realization came about when I (1) stepped on a scale and saw a bad, bad number (2) saw myself in a picture in which my thighs were spread out like Manifest Destiny (3) realized I would soon need to buy new pants and I hate trying on pants with the power of a thousand exploding suns.

I figured a good time to start would be the New Year, which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand.  But now that I’m here, I’m realizing something.  This weight loss business?  Yeah, it sucks.

It sounds like FUN right?

It sounds like FUN right?

I decided not to go with any of the regular diets, because I knew there was no way I was going to do anything like count points (Math is harrd), spend lots of money (Jenny Freaking Craig and the like), or eliminate key foods like meat (I am not a bunny) or bread (screw you, Atkins).  So my pal Ravin found this thing on Facebook called Superbetter, and it’s great because it rewards you for stuff like breathing.  No, really, it does.

I like rewards.  Even meaningless point awards and “good job!” messages.  This should come as no surprise considering my massive collection of blog bling.  Superbetter sets up “Quests” for you, but don’t worry, you aren’t going to have to find some stupid ring like Frodo.  The Quests involve little things that will let you (eventually, like maybe in 2015) reach your “epic win” defined as whatever you consider “epic”.  I consider losing five pounds to be “epic” since I have yet to do so, at least on purpose.  Also five didn’t sound as depressing as like fifty.

The scale said WHAT?

The scale said WHAT?

But beware, for there are “Bad Guys” that will keep you from reaching your win.  No, I’m not making this up.  Bad Guys include things like “liquid calories” which is one of my favorite forms of calorie.  You can avoid these bad guys by using “Powerups” or simply putting “quotes” around every other word.  Powerups can be anything from breathing (take five deep breaths before you kill your kids) to chugging a glass of water.  I think it says chugging because that sounds better than drinking tasteless liquid.

Oh, and they say you should exercise too, the killjoys.  But they start out simple.  One of the suggestions is to get out of your chair and like stand every thirty minutes or so.  I have that in the bag, man.  I can stand like nobody’s business.  It also suggests you get fresh air (Superbetter doesn’t understand stuff like allergies or, say, seasons – it’s freaking winter here!).  But I have implemented some of these, because exercising is a good way to use all that extra free floating anxiety and AliceRage I keep stored up for a rainy day.  If I exercise enough, I might not kill my coworkers with a stapler.

And I even stayed away from sugary colas for a week!  Oh, how I miss thee, sugary syrup that can clean my car battery!  But I just fell off the wagon because I’m cheap.  I went in search of a diet drink in desperation because I was falling asleep at my desk.  I pushed the button and out popped a regular drink, not a diet.  It was like Fate, my friends.  And I was way too cheap to let it go to waste.  So I drank of it, even though it was a Pepsi and I don’t like Pepsi, but this Pepsi was superbetter than any other Pepsi I have ever tasted.

At this point, either of you will do.  SUGAR!

At this point, either of you will do. SUGAR!

So obviously this is going to be a long road, complete with stupid quests, bad guys, and Pokemon powerups.  But it says you do better if you share your quests with others.  And the quests can be for lots of stuff, not just losing weight.   I’m dragging Sad Pony and Squirrel along for the ride.  Squirrel vibrates constantly and needs help with his caffeine, sugar, and meth nuts addiction.  Sad Pony needs to get his pony butt off the floor and get happy already.  Anyone else want to join me in my EPIC QUEST?

I don't.

I don’t.

Sure sure sure sounds like fun yes weee when do we start yayyyyyy nutsssss!

Sure sure sure sounds like fun yes weee when do we start yayyyyyy nutsssss!

243 responses

  1. Sure sounds more fun than my gym! Does typing blogs count, if you type real, real fast? And pound the space bar and smack the return key? And hit lots and lots of exclamation points really, really HARD!!!!!!!!???????

    1. Please say it does! I am awesome with exclamation points!!!!!!

  2. Love it..!!!

    1. Thanks! I hear exclamation points help with weight loss (see above)!!!!

  3. […] for her piece Coming Out Bipolar, Round 1, and just this past week Alice was Pressed for her piece Epic Quests and crap like that. Congratulations to them both; they write good shit, and more importantly, they’re good eggs. […]

  4. Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.

    I hope your unique outlook (a lovely cocktail of optimism with a healthy splash of sarcasm) wards off all of the bad guys on your quest!
    GOOD JOB! Keep it up!

    1. Thanks. I’m working on it. Did you say cocktail? 😀

    1. Thanks. A LOT. Hope to see you again. 😀

      1. 🙂 You’re welcome. 🙂

  6. What a great way to stay motivated! Paying attention to the small accomplishments on your way to a larger goal – you will kick a$$ at this weight loss thing! 🙂

    1. I hope so! I’m definitely making a lot of small accomplishments. Extremely small. But accomplishments!

  7. “I can stand like nobody’s business.” I actually laughed out loud at this one. Too funny! Keep em coming.

    1. Keep reading and I’ll keep em coming – well I’m keep something coming. 😀

  8. Well said and sure, I’ll join you. Just prod me every now and then or my failing capacity to retain information and commitments may roar down the rabbit hole behind you, lol. Meanwhile, I just read a cartoon of one little girl saying to another as they stood by a scale, “don’t get on that thing… it makes you cry.” Laughed at this and your wit. A new follower 🙂

    1. Great! Perhaps you can prod me right back. I like the cartoon. That little girl is pretty damn smart. Scales are cruel. I’ve heard that the Wii Fit actually groans when you stand on it. How inspiring!

      1. LOL 🙂 Starting tomorrow… have you heard that before? Oh. Well then. Starting tomorrow first thing. LOL 🙂 Happy balancing and thanks for the prod. 🙂

      2. The Wii Fit boards I’ve met here in the UK say “ouch”. It was only slightly amusing the first time, it’s really, really annoying every time after that. Plus what would it do to someone who had a weight-related disorder? I mean, how unfair for a recovering anorexic/bulemic to be using the Wii Fit to not let the disorder ruin their life, and the damn thing complains each time you step on it!

        1. Exactly what I thought! It even does it to children. Way to go, Nintendo! I prefer looking like a dork doing the dance games.

          1. The Wii Fit also doesn’t take difference in developmental rates into account. I’ve a friend from church who, at the age of 12, even though she’d put in her correct height, it didn’t take into account the fact that she was already more womanly than your average 12-year-old, and said her BMI was too high. However, if she changed her age to 16, but with the same height, it then said her BMI was acceptable. Which makes even less sense…

      3. The Wii Fit board that I have doesn’t make a groaning sound so much as like…an overweight tuba type sound when it weighs you. Its rather depressing.

        1. Overweight tuba sound? Wah-wahhhhh. That’s even worse! I can see the Wii board waving a tiny white flag when I step on it, and me throwing it out the window.

          1. It kind of feels like that actually. If you don’t have enough gumption to power through and prove the tuba sound wrong eventually, it will make you angry

          2. It wouldn’t be as bad if it was a little more accurate. I mean, I know I need to lose weight, but like 30 pounds, not 300. I hear people cheat by adding inches to their height. I can see myself cheating so I don’t get the tuba sound. Or beating the machine with my remote. Exercise!

    2. He he…For our office challenge, the HR Guy actually bought a weighing scale and we’ve been weighing ourselves since last week!!! So far, I’ve been losing and gaining 0.2 to 1.4 pounds, it seesaws. I’m just a few point-somethings away from “normal”. You’d think it’s easy but it isn’t especially since I’m the kind who just loses pounds a little and slowly, but I eat just one thing and the gain is so darn fast! GRRRR!!!!

      1. Exactly. See my post “I lose five pounds every morning”. I have no idea if I have lost or gained or what. It all depends on the time of day.

        1. Get your Body Mass Index (BMI) as your normal weight will depend on your height (though I suppose you already know that). Here’s a good site to use: http://nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ 🙂

  9. That’s actually one of the greatest ideas yet. Just using the power of positivity to help people accomplish their goals makes a big difference. I’m so down to journey with you.

    1. It is helpful. I have a definite tendency to judge myself and say “eh, I screwed up, must quit, oh well!” But you actually get points for admitting you failed something, like say staying away from sugary colas. And you get points for not beating yourself up about it. Something most of us need.

  10. LOL You had me giggling from the first sentence…and the best of luck on your ‘non-questing quests’ 🙂

    1. Thanks. Non-questing quests are the best. I like your name. That’s great.

      1. Why, thank you kindly 🙂

  11. This is great! Go Alice, go! You can do it!! The best thing I ever did for my body was stop drinking soda. I went cold-turkey and only drink water (except for on special occasions). I can’t do caffeine anyway because it makes me jittery, so it may have been a little easier for me. However I didn’t know at the time that it was the caffeine making me jittery until I stopped drinking it. I was a 2 can of Coke a day type of gal. I feel your pain and wish you the best!!

    1. Wow, you are brave. I’ve tried doing the cold turkey thing, but is not working. So I’m trying to lower it instead. I need the caffeine to stay awake. Although I’ve been wanting to do an experiment about caffeine – does it really wake you up or does it wake you up because you think it should? I work in a coffee shop on morning a week and it is so tempting to switch the labels on the decaf and regular and see if anyone notices.

      1. I wrote a whole reply to this and it got lost into the ether! UGH! Okay, let’s try again:

        You should totally do it! It would be the ultimate human experiment!

        When I quit, it only took about a week for the cravings to go away. Now I crave water – which is weird because I have always hated drinking it before! It has to be very cold and I drink it with a straw. Not only do you get more in you that way, but it helps fill you up so you don’t need the soda. I realize I am a unique case as I don’t need the caffeine – I am high on life! 🙂

        1. High on life sounds great. I’m tired on life. Is there a cure for tired?

      2. I like coffee, but it doesn’t really wake me up. The thought that I am drinking it does. But basically, I could drink one and still fall asleep. Colas are better wake-uppers.

        1. I wish. I could use one right now. Actually I could use one of those Energy things, but I’m afraid it would make my heart explode.

          1. You mean energy drinks? I heard one anecdote back in college, told by a classmate, who was telling what somebody else told him. That somebody else had a dorm roommate who went cramming the night before an exam He drank a popular energy drink here. It worked. In fact, it worked REALLY well, he ended up not sleeping at all even if he wanted to!!! LOL!!!…Anyhoo, colas are better wake-uppers, but it doesn’t make them healthy for the body.

          2. That sounds like the time I took meds for ADHD and stayed up for two solid days. I decided I’d rather be inattentive.

  12. My mom has been doing her best to lose weight for the last few months, so I will definitely share this post with her. I am certain she will find solace in it.

    1. I hope so! Good luck to her.

  13. Nice post. P.S. Diet Soda is ten times worse than the regular kind. The artificial sweeteners can actually make you fatter than regular sugar (along with a myriad of other health issues) – so, now you have an excuse to not have to drink that crap. 🙂

    1. Also don’t drink water from those plastic bottles or breathe the air (pollution). Just kidding. Yeah, I’ve heard the Diet Soda studies, but they’re not sure if the diet stuff actually makes you fat itself, or if people just indulge more in other areas (like say a double cheeseburger) because they are being “good” by drinking diet. For one thing, what would Diabetics do without artificial sweeteners? (I have a brother with the juvenile kind.)

      Either way, it’s healthier to not drink soda, I know. Just like it’s hard to quit smoking even though you know it turns your lungs to carbon. Thanks for the response. 😀

      1. So true. Sugar is an addictive substance. And there are natural sweeteners such as stevia and xylitol – but they are oh so expensive… Anyways good luck keeping up the good fight 🙂

  14. New here! Love the inspiration!!! (I like exclamation points too!!!) I also hate the thought of trying on pants. I used to work at a retail job where I literally walked about 7 miles a day and I lost about 50 lbs in less then a year. Now I have a desk job and the most I walk is to and from my car. Sadly, my butt has found a few of those missing pounds again.
    Good luck on your quest!

    1. Desk jobs are responsible for Manifest Butts everywhere. I have one of those too. I do have to walk up stairs and across the second floor to get to my desk, at least. And back again to get to the bathroom. My potty breaks are my exercise.

  15. Lol. Funny crap right there! My “precious” is liquid calories found in beer. Good lord I love them. Good luck on those 5 pounds. Surely typing is a powerful, right? Thanks for sharing.

    1. Power up…

      1. Never been a beer person, but I totally get it. I wish I could lose weight typing. I do a hell of a lot of typing. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There – .0000001 of a pound!

  16. I commend you for your quest, it sounds awesome. I’ve been looking for a fun way to get back into losing weight and I love being challenged and I really love video games so for a long time the Wii Fit was really working for me. However, we moved and no longer have space for it and I’ve become unmotivated once again, gaining all my weight back and then some. It’s really a never ending battle, it seems…

    1. So it seems. The Wii game I like is – and this is not embarrassing at all – Wii Cheer. You bounce around holding your wii remotes like pom poms. It’s really fun. Finally I’m a freak-ing cheerleader! It also works you out amazingly well. Sadly, my children scratched up the disk and now I have to go get scratch remover so I can play, um, their game. Yeah.

  17. Loved! And congrats on the FP. And good luck on unloading the poundage. 🙂

    1. Thanks. If I can just find one of those unloading docks . . .

  18. Super-fun read!!!And your post is EPIC!:)

    1. Thanks. Epic win then. 😀

  19. […] I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response.  […]

  20. You have my sword, and my bow, and my axe!!! If I had a few hobbits to loan then i would send those with you too! I’m pretty much where you are, for into darkness fell my skinny star, in McMordor where the shadows are. =/

    1. A sword, a bow, and an ax? Great. Except I’m not holding them while I’m on the scale.

  21. I also think that ANY time we say NO to something verboten, our bodies should AUTOMATICALLY deduct the calories.. Congrats you FP thang

    1. That seems only fair. Thanks.

  22. Love it. I do count points and some days I have to take my socks off to help me count. I want to get rewarded for breathing. No fair!!!!

    1. Good thing you don’t have to count up to fifty like Ana!

  23. Oh and congrats on the FP. Alice finally made it wooohoooo.

    1. Thanks! You’re next. 😀

  24. Very funny! I really enjoyed your post, and I can relate to being motivated by even the simplest of rewards. I’m in my 30s, but I still struggle with finding the strength to do the dishes unless I’m given a Disney sticker or a piece of candy. It’s sad…but when I get candy, it’s delicious. Looking forward to more!

    1. Also in my 30s, and totally identify. And I wait around to do the dishes, hoping either husband or the dish fairy shows up for that.

  25. Many Pokemons are chubby and fine with it (think of clefairy or jigglypuff)

    1. Good point. And Pikachu or however you spell that. Thing Two has a stuffed one.

  26. Ahahahaha! Diets ARE crap! That’s why I don’t do them! Pretty sure there is some logic in there somewhere… congrats on FP! Nerd With Taste

    1. Diets = crap. Don’t do diets. Works for me. Which is why I’m just trying to cut back and make little changes. I don’t know if that’s still technically a diet.

      I like your name. Clearly you have taste, for you are here. 😀

  27. So deep breaths count? My kids are 2 and 4, I take lots of deep breaths…

    1. If you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old, I’m sure you get plenty of exercise!

  28. I like how you said, “which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand”

    Good food shouldn’t be your problem. Good food should help in the weight loss. But I guess the term is subjective. To me, good foods are power greens (spinach, kale, chard, parsley, etc.), fruits, and fish. As with liquids, all I drink is water, coffee (every few days), juice (again, every few days), and beer. Oh, how I love a fine craft brew! 😀

    I think what most humans in MDCs fail to realize is that it’s ok to actually feel hungry and not to cure that hunger. A 24 hour fast is great for the body as it boosts metabolism and is a form of detox.

    I spend a good amount of time in front of the computer working on graphic design, photography, and video, but I’d rather be out and about moving; living an active lifestyle. But, my career has other ideas. Still, I find time to play hockey, jog in warmer weather, and enjoy a nice walk.

    Just commit yourself and you will do fine! …and stay away from the pop. It’s crap! If you want a scare research what happens when a can of coke enters the body.

    By the way, cool post! I enjoy your humor!

    1. Looks like you have it down pretty well. I’m working on staying away from the pop. I don’t have nearly as much desire for a sugary cola now. I WISH I loved greens as much as ice cream. I’d have it made then! Thanks for the response.

      1. It takes time adapting to the foods I mentioned, like a fine wine. When I was a kid, through my late 20s, I ate mostly pasta, pierogies, burgers, and kielbasa. All of which I still love! I’ve just cut back on them a lot… unless I’m at my parents house. 😉

  29. Alice, I’m loving the sarcasm with a smattering of knowledge thrown in for fun, but I have a question. As you’ve stated you can, “…stand like nobody’s business” which is awesome and ditto for the fat-torching exclamation marks, however I’ve found that when I try to emulate your hardcore standing, my feet hurt. Am I doing it wrong?

    1. Try standing on one foot at a time. Put your right one in and take your right one out, put it in again and shake it all about. That’s what it’s all about, basically.

  30. LOL!!!! At our office, we like to challenge ourselves and one another for fun, from small challenges that certain peeps get into like the upcoming Temple Run Competition, to — read this — The company’s Biggest Loser (or Gainer, depending on whether s/he is overweight or underweight…those in the normal range must maintain their weight). The last one actually was the Administrators’ idea. Which is a good thing since like I said in my recent post on New Year’s Resolutions, “Less unhealthy foods. Translates to (a) less fat so less red meat and eating at least white meat as alternative, (b) more fruits, veggies and fibers, (c) minimal sugar, and (d) avoidance of carcinogens as much as possible.” I tend to give in at times, just like you. But we’re not bad persons ;p Do what makes you happy :>

    1. I would love to be one of those people that needed to gain weight. Wouldn’t that be great?

      1. I would love to be one of those who need not lose or gain anything!!! Although that might kill my chances of winning, he he…

  31. Oh my goodness… I mean your goodness! No. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I laughed so hard I didn’t even care that I’m in the office with other people boring enough to shoot me looks because I was laughing. I can’t even remember the last time I was as happy as when I was reading your post. This made my day. And you deserve to know that I thank you. And I love this post.

    And you sold the Superbetter thing. I’m trying it now. I’m really happy after reading your post. I’m not sure why. Your writing is amazing. I’m sorry for this crazy comment. Good luck to your epic goal 🙂

    Have a nice day.

    1. I love your crazy comment! Who doesn’t love praise? Do come back, I’m sure I can pull something else fabulous out of . . . somewhere. 😀

  32. […] to read her blog posts regarding weight loss (I think she posts every Wednesday. Here’s the first post regarding weight loss to get you […]

  33. I like the SparkPeople website for helping to lose weight…its’ free and you get points for things like drinking a glass of water! lol It’s good to read that others are working on that weightloss struggle, glad you wrote this!

    1. I just signed on to SparkPeople. I’m still trying to figure it out. Any tips?

      1. you’ll get the most out of it if you go on the site often and try things out. I hate to be vague, but I cruised around and figured it out that way. The section where you can track your measurements is helpful as tracking only your weight doesn’t necessarily show the most progress. I used to only track weight and it was disappointing sometimes…but adding in measurements was able to ‘show’ me the results I was getting! Joining the groups on there was helpful too as you can follow what is going on with others that have similiarities to you (i.e. I joined the PCOS group and the 30-something with more than 50 pounds to lose). If you need more specific help, let me know and I’ll try to help! 🙂

  34. […] been given the Freshly Pressed nod.  Alice was Pressed about a month ago on her blog for the post Epic Quests and crap like that, and on the very same day DeeDee’s post here appeared as FP, Lunch Sketch‘s Be […]

  35. Sounds interesting, perhaps like my kind of diet. I might go check it out. My scale also has a very, very bad number, and half my pants don’t fit anymore. I resolved to start by eating healthier, but I fell off that wagon last week when I started going through a dark spell . . . maybe making the task seem easier and more manageable will help me.

    1. I know what you mean. I’ve had some of those spells lately too. Ugh. Dieting with Depression and Anxiety should be a book.

  36. […] and forward (redundant?), my guest today is none other than AliceAtWonderland.  She has been Freshly Pressed, has a huge following, and (like me) has multiple personalities.  Yay for crowded heads! […]

  37. wow, 310 likes and 230 comments. That’s epic!

    1. Thanks! It’s pretty unbelievable. 😀

  38. […] while back I wrote a little post called Epic Quests and Crap Like That.  You might remember it, since it got Freshly Pressed, and also since I’m reminding you of it […]

  39. […] I don’t think it is as epic as AliceatWonderland but for me it’s pretty darn […]

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