Twilight II: New Moon Recap

We’re back with Twilight II: New Moon.  Fun times.  I have my fellow reviewers with me.  In case you’re just joining us, my fellow reviewers are my children: Thing One (12 yrs old) and Thing Two (8 yrs old).  They are multi-tasking – painting nails while making sarcastic comments.  I love them.
Don't touch me.  I'm not touching youuuu.  Stop it!

Don’t touch me. I’m not touching youuuu. Stop it!

(Scene selection screen – we see silly dramatic pics of Eddy’s family, then the hottie werewolves, then the Volturi vampires (the big boss guys) in Rome.  I inform the girls that they are the ones Edward going to sparkle in front of to sacrifice himself.)

T1: That’s so dumb.  No wonder they want to kill him.

T1: All the other werewolves look just like Jacob

T1: It has to be PG 13 because it’s too boring for younger kids to watch.

(Title Screen)

T2: Summit, why did you turn to the dark side of movie making?

(Bella does her intro.)

T1: Dramatic line, dramatic line.  You know there’s a lot of lessons you could learn from this.

Me: Like what?

T1: Don’t date a vampire

(Bella is in the meadow in a dream – she sees an old woman)

T2: Grandma don’t eat the flowers.

(Bella IS the old woman, OMG.  Wakes up, Dad comes in.)

Dad: How’d you get so old so fast?

Me: Hahaha, you old fart 18 year old.

(Bella goes to school)

All the kids are flirting with Bella of course)

T1: Why do they like her?

(Edward comes walking over, shirt flapping)

T1: Handsome vampire boyfrieeend woooo . . .

(Edward kisses her)

T1: He still doesn’t know how to kiss.  Hey, no PDA people

Bella: That's, like, my nose.

Bella: That’s, like, my nose.

(Jacob shows up.  Wolf poop’s gonna hit the fan.  He still looks like Pert Plus, but with muscles)

(T2 runs from the room, comes back with a Ken doll stuck upright in a pencil cup full of peppermints.)

T2: See my Jacob statue?

Jacob In A Can by Thing Two

Jacob In A Can
by Thing Two

(Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher – we pause it for a minute – it’s like he’s dangling it in front of her. Perfect.  She likes bright shiny objects.  You HAVE her Jacob)

(They go into the school.  Alice gives Bella a gift.  Bella is all annoyed)

Alice: Oooh, I saw you open it, and you love it!  Squeal!

Me: I hate her.

(In class –they’re watching Romeo and Juliet – only the Mike guy is realistic, nearly falling asleep)

T1: yeah, how many times has Edward watched this?

(Flashback to Bella getting bitten)

T1: Happy memories.

(They go to Edward’s house.  He talks about the Volturi (some femmy vampire council or something).  Volturi vampire tears off a vampire’s head – POP!)

T1: Actual vampire deaths?

(Eddie and Bella get romantic again)

T2: Oh, nooooo.  You are NOT a vampire

(Birthday Scene – ooooh boy!)

(Rosalie gives her a gift – her expression says: Here’s my gift, I hate you)

T1: Why take pictures when they can’t show up in them?

Me: You’re still thinking of real vampires.
(Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper– blood – papercut sends Jasper into a frenzy.  He runs for Bella.  Edward protects Bella by flinging her into a glass table that cuts her up for real.)

Gee, thanks for saving me . . .

Gee, thanks for saving me . . .

T2:  Now THIS is what I’m talking about!  Action!

(They take away Jasper.  Damn.)

(Carlisle sews up Bella.)

T2: Stop talking, and get to the action.  BOO.

Me: You’re gonna be disappointed, sweetie.

(Eddie drives her home.  Once again Bella is wounded after a night out with Eddie)

Bella: Change me.  You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandma.

Me: Yeah, she’s not shallow. Pfft

Edward: Do you not understand my feelings for you?

Me: I don’t.

Bella: It’s my birthday.  I ask one thing.  Kiss me.

T1: He doesn’t know how to kiss.

Me: Oh, the angst, the angst!

(Bella goes to school, no Edward.  Eddie goes in her room.)

T1: Romaaaaanticccc montaaaage

Edward: Let’s take a walk in the forest.  We have to leave Forks.

Yeah, uh, gotta jet.  Don't try to kill yourself too much.

Yeah, uh, gotta jet. Don’t try to kill yourself too much.

Me: Blah blah blah

T2: Mommy, hey, look at T1’s nails!  (way more interesting than the movie)

T2: Stare, stare, stare.

Edward: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.

T1: Yeah, right, there are 3 more movies

T2 hits pause: Okay, we’re done with part one!

T1: Hey, this is gonna take us four parts, aw.

T2: I want to do fun stuff.  That’s NOT watching Edward and Bella.  They’re about to kiss anyway.

(We convince her to at least finish the forest scene. Edward leaves Bella in forest.  Dramatic music, Bella runs around and gets lost.  It’s dark.)

T2: Come on, Jacob!

(Bella falls, stays on the ground, curls in fetal position, dramatic camera swirl.)

T2: Stop sucking your thumb.

End Part One

Stay tuned tomorrow for our next snarky installment of Twilight II: New Moon.  Provided the Things come out of their rooms again.
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18 responses

  1. Haha they may not do if they know you’ve put it on. Your little Things sound fabulous I wish more critics sounded like them 😛

    1. Me too. Thanks. Of course sometimes it’s hard to turn them off once they start going. 😀

      1. The best critics always are! 😉

  2. I think you made this up. It can’t possibly be a real movie.

    1. That’s what I’m telling myself now that it’s done.

  3. Haha! T2 is a smart one. I watched the whole thing in one sitting and I know I felt my brain cells dying.

    1. You did? Yeah, I’m not sure how you’re not in a coma. OMG, that movie was awful pie.

  4. Thing 1 and Thing 2 rock. They, however, should be upset that you’re making them watch this crap.

    1. I do wonder if I’m messing with their little brains too much. Then I realize they’re my kids so they’re pretty much doomed anyway. 😀

      1. Not necessarily. There could be hope for them. A teacher or some such.

  5. Bless ’em 🙂 and be proud of them 🙂

  6. […] Twilight II: New Moon Recap (aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com) […]

  7. Jacob in a can. Awesome. Pity that we find out that the menfolks in these films aren’t as anatomically impaired as the Ken doll…

    1. I wish that were true of the Edward, but somehow he fathers a demon baby later on. At least Jacob in a can is easy on the eyes.

      1. As well as the ears! No need to listen to all the teenage angsty whining.

  8. […] Twilight II: New Moon Recap (aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com) […]

  9. […] Twilight II: New Moon Recap (aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com) […]

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