Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Two

We’re back with part two of this stupid movie.  My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame.  Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest.  Cue sad trombone.  Wah, wahhhhhh.
Nap time!

Nap time!

Me: Where were we?

T2: Jacob’s abs.

Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.

(We fast forward back to forest scene.  Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)

(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around.  October . . . November . . . December)

T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished.  Okay then.  Shouldn’t she be dead by now?

(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)

All of us: What the???

T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?

T2: Stupid and pathetic.

(Poor Dad.  He tries to talk to Bella.)

T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.

(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)

T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now.  Nothing.

(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her.  Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)

Yeah, this face would totally reassure me.

Yeah, this face would totally reassure me.

All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?

Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there.  I think I’ll approach them.

(Edward head appears: He says turn around.  Bella walks closer.  Edward speaks again.  Bella gets on motorcycle.)

T1: Stupid!  If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.

(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)

Friend: You’re insane.  Or suicidal.

Us: Yes, yes, yes.

Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.

T1: YES, that’s it.

Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.

Us: Yeahhhhh.

(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix.  Jacob picks up bike.)

Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.

T1: She just noticed this?

(Jacob’s friends come over.  One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”

(Awkkkward!  Haha.  We pause so I can write.  Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)

T2: Look at his eyebrows.  Like Squirrel’s tail.

(Bella says she feels better with Jake.  Like, who wants to feel better?)

(Bella screaming in bed again.  Dad comes in and rambles.  Thing Two is playing with the flashlight.  We break for a fight over the flashlight.  We are seriously bored.)

T1: Come on, we need to finish this.

T2: Nooo.

T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this.  Let’s go.

(Movie is still paused.  Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward.  I correct her.)

Me: That’s Jacob.

T1: Same difference.

(Bella sees cliff diving.  Rush.  Oh, ohhh.)

Me: Jump Bella, jump!

T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)

(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him.  Bored.)

(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is.  Bella drifts off.  Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)

(Edward’s head appears again.  ARghhhhhhhhh.  Bella takes off on motorcycle.  Has multiple hallucinations.  She flies off bike.)

Bella it's not safe for you to operate machinery yet.

Bella it’s not safe for you to operate machinery yet.

T1: That was not a good idea.

(She has a cut on forehead.  Hereee we go.  Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)

(At cafeteria.  Pathetic guy asks out Bella.  She says yes.  Bella wants to see Face Punch.)

Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.

(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy.  Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)

Me: I would still rather see this.

(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom.  Jacob holds Bella’s hand.  He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)

Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.

T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.

(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)

T2: Nooo.  Edward, Jacob.

T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.

(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)

Jacob: I feel weird.

Me: Hulk, smash.

T1: Guess what?  Full Moon.  Whatever.

(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while.  We finally see Jacob again.)

T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.

Jacob: Bella, go away.

So you're going for the pasty white guy? Seriously?

So you’re going for the pasty white guy? Seriously?

T1: You’re ruining my life.

(Jacob yammers about vampires.)

Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.

T1: Ugh, really.

Bella: You can’t break up with me.

T1: You weren’t dating.

Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.

Me: Totally codependent.

(Bella sees meadow.  The pretty flowers have disappeared.)

Me: What?  The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella.  They are all the same.)

Black vampire shows up.

Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.

(Edward head appears. He says:  “Lie”  “Lie better.”

(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate.  Blah blah.  I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)

Jamaican vampire:  How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected?  I am doing you a kindness.

See?  He's a nice guy.

See? He’s a nice guy.

T1: By ending your stupid life.

(Enormous wolf shows up.  Oh, jeez that’s lame.  One stops by her and gives her the eye.

Bella runs back home.)

Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.

Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.

End Part Two.  One more to go.  Help us all!
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25 responses

    1. Thank you. The Things thank you too. 😀

  1. You made me laugh so hard well…the coffee is everywhere.

    1. I’m glad you liked it. Hopefully the sticky comes out. I spilled coke on my keyboard a while back and the g and h buttons stopped working. Oops.

  2. Why are you doing this to me?

      1. No. NOT cool, man. Not cool.

        1. Surrender to the Dark Side . . .

          1. I already have. THIS wasn’t in the brochure.

          2. I have altered the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.

          3. This deal keeps getting worse all the time.

  3. You’re a freaking comedic genius, dude. I seriously loved this and considering anything that starts with a “T” or is somehow associated with a teenager now makes me throw up a little, that’s saying a lot!

    1. Thanks! I feel exactly the same way. I didn’t much like many teens when I was one. And in six months I’ll have one of my own in Thing One. She’s a pretty sweet one, though . . . so far.

  4. The “lack of sparkles” thing got me, lol. I think I chuckled for a solid minute there 😀

    1. Thanks. We chuckled at several points in the movie. I don’t think those parts were supposed to be comical, but still. 😀

  5. Haha! Hulk, smash! Cracked me up!
    How are you doing this? Twilight AND 50 shades, together. How, Alice? You are my hero.

  6. The disembodied Edward head seems really interesting. Wait…is interesting the right word? No, I mean douchenozzle.

    1. If you look up douchenozzle in the dictionary, you will find Edward’s disembodied head.

  7. Your kids are so dialed in to how things really are!

    1. So, so true. They crack me up.

  8. Given how bored The Things are, I have a horrible feeling they could sue you for child abuse for making them watch this… But don’t tell them I said that, in case they actually do!

    1. Oh, for sure. They absorb absolutely everything like little sponges. I’m fairly certain Thing Two is going to be a lawyer. That kid can argue anything and never gives up. 😀

      1. Encourage Thing Two in this career path, as then she’ll be wealthy enough to be able to look after you in later years.

        Mercenary, me? Whatever gave you that idea? 😉

  9. […] Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Two (aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com) […]

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