We’re back with part two of this stupid movie. My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame. Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest. Cue sad trombone. Wah, wahhhhhh.
Me: Where were we?
T2: Jacob’s abs.
Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.
(We fast forward back to forest scene. Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)
(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around. October . . . November . . . December)
T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished. Okay then. Shouldn’t she be dead by now?
(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)
All of us: What the???
T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?
T2: Stupid and pathetic.
(Poor Dad. He tries to talk to Bella.)
T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.
(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)
T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now. Nothing.
(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her. Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)
All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?
Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there. I think I’ll approach them.
(Edward head appears: He says turn around. Bella walks closer. Edward speaks again. Bella gets on motorcycle.)
T1: Stupid! If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.
(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)
Friend: You’re insane. Or suicidal.
Us: Yes, yes, yes.
Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.
T1: YES, that’s it.
Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.
(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix. Jacob picks up bike.)
Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.
T1: She just noticed this?
(Jacob’s friends come over. One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”
(Awkkkward! Haha. We pause so I can write. Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)
T2: Look at his eyebrows. Like Squirrel’s tail.
(Bella says she feels better with Jake. Like, who wants to feel better?)
(Bella screaming in bed again. Dad comes in and rambles. Thing Two is playing with the flashlight. We break for a fight over the flashlight. We are seriously bored.)
T1: Come on, we need to finish this.
T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this. Let’s go.
(Movie is still paused. Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward. I correct her.)
Me: That’s Jacob.
T1: Same difference.
(Bella sees cliff diving. Rush. Oh, ohhh.)
Me: Jump Bella, jump!
T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)
(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him. Bored.)
(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is. Bella drifts off. Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)
(Edward’s head appears again. ARghhhhhhhhh. Bella takes off on motorcycle. Has multiple hallucinations. She flies off bike.)
T1: That was not a good idea.
(She has a cut on forehead. Hereee we go. Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)
(At cafeteria. Pathetic guy asks out Bella. She says yes. Bella wants to see Face Punch.)
Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.
(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy. Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)
Me: I would still rather see this.
(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom. Jacob holds Bella’s hand. He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)
Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.
T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.
(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)
T2: Nooo. Edward, Jacob.
T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.
(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)
Jacob: I feel weird.
Me: Hulk, smash.
T1: Guess what? Full Moon. Whatever.
(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while. We finally see Jacob again.)
T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.
Jacob: Bella, go away.
T1: You’re ruining my life.
(Jacob yammers about vampires.)
Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.
T1: Ugh, really.
Bella: You can’t break up with me.
T1: You weren’t dating.
Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.
Me: Totally codependent.
(Bella sees meadow. The pretty flowers have disappeared.)
Me: What? The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella. They are all the same.)
Black vampire shows up.
Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.
(Edward head appears. He says: “Lie” “Lie better.”
(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate. Blah blah. I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)
Jamaican vampire: How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected? I am doing you a kindness.
T1: By ending your stupid life.
(Enormous wolf shows up. Oh, jeez that’s lame. One stops by her and gives her the eye.
Bella runs back home.)
Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.
Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.