Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon. This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys. We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie. The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella. It was touching. Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness. Enjoy.
Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window. Bella looks down.
T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!
Bella touches his naked abs.
T2: You’re so . . . abby.
Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.
T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.
Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.
(Bella has a dream with a wolf. Hmmmm.)
(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy. Good one! Other shirtless guys show up.)
T1: It’s the shirtless crew!
(Bella smacks one. It turns into freaking huge lame wolf. Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)
T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.
(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob. Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)
T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it. Okay, introductions. This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .
(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)
T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.
Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?
Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way.
Me: I see what you did there, movie!
T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys. He could chop off their heads.
(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)
T1: This music isn’t making it any better.
T2: Sounds like Wii music.
(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up. About TIME. Bella decides to go out into the forest. Good one, Bella.)
All of us: Go, Victoria!
(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)
Me: She’s not a very good vampire.
(Bella stands on the cliff. Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)
Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!
(Bella jumps off the cliff. I guess that saying is true.)
(She falls back under. She starts drowning.)
(Edward hallucination shows up.)
All of us: Eeeeeek!
(Jacob rescues Bella.)
Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.
Jacob: What were you thinking?
T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.
T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.
(Bella snuggles with Jacob. I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)
Bella: You’re so warm.
T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!
T1: He reminds me of our cousin. Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.
(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)
T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!
T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!
T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!
(Jacob starts to kiss Bella. T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)
T1: You’re cheating on Edward. Then again, who wouldn’t?
(Bella sees the Cullen’s car. Oooh, they’re back!)
T1: It’s a trap!
T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.
(Alice is there. Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)
Alice: You’re alive? Why would you try to kill yourself?
Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving. (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)
T2: Lie, lie, lie. Pathetic.
T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?
T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.
T2: Only for the fans.
Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?
Bella: It’s Jacob. He’s kind of a werewolf.
Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.
Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.
(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)
T1: Awww, BARF.
Alice: Let the dog out.
(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)
T1: Stop that. We’re trying to review a crappy movie.
T2: I’m baby cooookie!
T1: Stop ittt! Wait, what’s going on?
(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss. Jacob answers.)
“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”
(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)
T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.
Alice: He thinks you’ve done it! He’s going to the Volturi. He wants to kill himself too.
T1: Oh, good grief.
(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)
T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did. Stupid. Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.
(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)
Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”
T1: What gifts?
(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)
Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.
T1: And sparkle.
Me: Alice keeps having these visions. Why didn’t she earlier?
T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.
(Gobs of people in Italy. So they, like, drove to Italy? There are tons of red cloaks around. Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)
T1: Is this red day?
T2: It’s fifty shades of red!
(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks. His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)
T1: That’s disgusting. He looks sick.
T2: Pathetically sick
T1: Prepare for the sparkles!
(Bella stops him just in time. Darn. Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)
T2: Another Bella panting scene.
(The Volturi guys show up.)
T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway? Cool.
T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.
(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)
T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.
(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi. We are seeing every second of this.)
T1: Awkward elevator scene.
(They reach a huge hall.)
T1: Is this the execution hall?
T2: Yes, yes, yes!
(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress. This is not helping with the white paint look.)
(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)
Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.
(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over. But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)
T2: She’s a Sith!
Volturi: She knows too much.
Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!
(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)
T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.
Bella: Kill me, not him!
T1: Either one will do.
T2: Kill them both. I’m tired.
Me: End movie, endddd.
(Alice promises to turn Bella. She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking. You know, like vampires.)
T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?
(They get back home.)
Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.
T1: And then you ruined it.
Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.
Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.
All of us: Ennnnnddddd!
(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)
T1: All the Cullens are back. Yayy.
(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire. Lots more blah blah blah. She drives off with Edward. Jacob blocks them in the road.)
T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.
(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)
Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.
Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.
Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.
T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore. We will NEVER finish this.
Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.
(And the movie ends right there!!!! Cheers of joy from all around!)
T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd
T2: And pathetiiiiic!