Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Three

Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon.  This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys.  We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie.  The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella.  It was touching.  Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness.  Enjoy.
Yeah, Bella, I gave up shirts for Lent.

Yeah, Bella, I gave up shirts for Lent.

Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window.  Bella looks down.

T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!

Bella touches his naked abs.

T2: You’re so . . . abby.

Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.

T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.

Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.

(Bella has a dream with a wolf.  Hmmmm.)

(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy.  Good one!  Other shirtless guys show up.)

T1: It’s the shirtless crew!

(Bella smacks one.  It turns into freaking huge lame wolf.  Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)

(Wolves fight.)

T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.

(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob.  Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)

T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it.  Okay, introductions.  This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .

We are here only for educational value.

We are here only for educational value.

(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)

T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.

Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?

Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice.  I was born this way.

Me: I see what you did there, movie!

T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys.  He could chop off their heads.

(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)

T1: This music isn’t making it any better.

T2: Sounds like Wii music.

(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up.  About TIME.  Bella decides to go out into the forest.  Good one, Bella.)

All of us: Go, Victoria!

Victoria: I hate this movie.

Victoria: I hate this movie.

(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)

Me: She’s not a very good vampire.

(Bella stands on the cliff.  Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)

Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!

(Bella jumps off the cliff.  I guess that saying is true.)

(Bella surfaces.)

Girls: Boooo!

(She falls back under.  She starts drowning.)

Girls: Yayyyy!

(Edward hallucination shows up.)

All of us: Eeeeeek!

(Jacob rescues Bella.)

Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.

Bella's not dead. She's just bored.  Like us.

Bella’s not dead. She’s just bored. Like us.

Jacob: What were you thinking?

T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.

T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.

(Bella snuggles with Jacob.  I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)

Bella: You’re so warm.

T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!

T1: He reminds me of our cousin.  Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.

(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)

T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!

T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!

T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!

(Jacob starts to kiss Bella.  T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)

T1: You’re cheating on Edward.  Then again, who wouldn’t?

(Bella sees the Cullen’s car.  Oooh, they’re back!)

T1: It’s a trap!

T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.

(Alice is there.  Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)

Alice: You’re alive?  Why would you try to kill yourself?

Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving.  (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)

T1: LIE.

T2: Lie, lie, lie.  Pathetic.

T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?

T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.

T2: Only for the fans.

Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?

Bella: It’s Jacob.  He’s kind of a werewolf.

Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.

Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.

(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)

T1: Awww, BARF.

Alice: Let the dog out.

Me: Niiiiice.

(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)

T1: Stop that.  We’re trying to review a crappy movie.

T2: I’m baby cooookie!

T1: Stop ittt!  Wait, what’s going on?

Me: Nothing.

(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss.  Jacob answers.)

“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”

(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)

T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.

Alice: He thinks you’ve done it!  He’s going to the Volturi.  He wants to kill himself too.

Bella, I had a vision of a really lame plot twist!

Bella, I had a vision of a really lame plot twist!

T1: Oh, good grief.

(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)

T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did.  Stupid.  Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.

(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)

Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”

T1: What gifts?

(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)

Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.

T1: And sparkle.

Me: Alice keeps having these visions.  Why didn’t she earlier?

T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.

Me: Con-ven-ient.

(Gobs of people in Italy.  So they, like, drove to Italy?  There are tons of red cloaks around.  Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)

T1: Is this red day?

T2: It’s fifty shades of red!

(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks.  His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)

T1: That’s disgusting.  He looks sick.

T2: Pathetically sick

T1: Prepare for the sparkles!

Sparkle time in 3, 2, 1 . . .

Sparkle time in 3, 2, 1 . . .

(Bella stops him just in time.  Darn.  Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)

T2: Another Bella panting scene.

(The Volturi guys show up.)

T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway?  Cool.

T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.

(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)

T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.

(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi.  We are seeing every second of this.)

T1: Awkward elevator scene.

(They reach a huge hall.)

T1: Is this the execution hall?

T2: Yes, yes, yes!

(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress.  This is not helping with the white paint look.)

(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)

Hi, there.  I am Siegfried and this is Roy . . .

Hi, there. I am Siegfried and this is Roy . . .

Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.

(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over.  But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)

T2: She’s a Sith!

Volturi: She knows too much.

Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!

(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)

T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.

Bella: Kill me, not him!

T1: Either one will do.

T2: Kill them both.  I’m tired.

Me: End movie, endddd.

(Alice promises to turn Bella.  She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking.  You know, like vampires.)

This is just what I think of when I hear "vampire".

This is just what I think of when I hear “vampire”.

T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?

(They get back home.)

Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.

T1: And then you ruined it.

Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.

Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.

All of us: Ennnnnddddd!

(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)

T1: All the Cullens are back.  Yayy.

(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire.  Lots more blah blah blah.  She drives off with Edward.  Jacob blocks them in the road.)

T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.

(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)

Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.

Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.

Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.

T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore.  We will NEVER finish this.

Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.

(And the movie ends right there!!!!  Cheers of joy from all around!)

T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd

T2: And pathetiiiiic!

End Part Three.  New Moon was the last movie, right?  Right????
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28 responses

  1. I think the things might be funnier than their mother….

      1. Well done. Good form.

  2. I had a conversation with my husband last night that movies really seem to suck now, and I was wondering if I thought this because I was old or because movies suck. Now I know it’s the latter. Because that movie sounds like a giant ball of sucking vampire.

    1. Exactly. Also, many movies feature Tom Cruise. Interview with a Vampire had lame vampires AND Tom Cruise. Maximum suckage.

  3. Erm bad news for you…there’s another two? I think because they made the last book into a two part thing (because they really felt one movie wouldn’t cut it honest, not because they’re money grabbing idiots).
    Maybe don’t tell the girls just now or you’ll end up having them try to jump off cliffs.

    1. Actually three – there are two more books but they split the last one in two because . . . they split the last Harry Potter in two. Except there was actually content in the Harry Potter one, so I can only imagine . . . the horror.

      1. bugger, bugger, bugger….well maybe by some miracle the next three aren’t as bad! I doubt it because I still couldn’t watch bloody Daniel Radcliffe murder one of my favourite characters by the end of the films (he truly is a terrible actor)

        1. You mean Snape? I loved Snape. But then I love Alan Rickman. He is DREAMY.

          1. No I mean the muppet that played Harry Potter…he couldn’t act. Snape was good (I’m with you on Alan Rickman hehe) most of the adult actors were good but that little boy spoilt it for me.

  4. I can’t believe that I read all of those books, when I could have just read these recaps!

    1. I know, right? When I read the stupid things, there weren’t nearly the number of awesome blogs making merciless fun of them. I listed a few a while back that do great recaps of the books.

  5. The die hard fans would be cringing in their boots if they read this – thankfully no cringing here 🙂 Hilarious Alice.

    1. But Twilight is the best luv story evah you are just a hatah Aliiiice! Or something like that. 😀

  6. Edward and Bella truly deserve each other.

      1. So glad you got that!

  7. It’s “Windy”, not Wendy. The fact that your girls can improv to The Association is further proof of your excellent parenting. Thank them from me for sticking this out. I think I will always remember T2’s Jacob doll with the strategically placed peppermint.

    1. Yeah, I remember the song spells it that way, but I think they spelled it wrong, cause who names a girl “Windy”? That sounds like you’re just talking about the wind. So I helpfully changed it for them. 😀

      I wondered if anyone was going to notice the strategically placed peppermint. We couldn’t get his pants to snap.

      1. It’s a hippie thing. The song, the girl, all of it.

        The peppermint was great and made me imagine you found Jacob very. . . enticing.

  8. Love the improvisation skills of The Things. Although I’m glad you are watching these on DVD in the comfort of your own home – if you’d tried this at the cinema, I suspect you’d be lynched by all the die-hard fanatics.

    1. Too true. I remember when the books first got really big and if you dared say anything against them on the ‘net, a squad of Twihards would be there to jump you. I would love to have my books get lots of fans, but that level is a bit creepy. If women are honest-to-goodness leaving their husbands because they aren’t “Edwardy” enough, something is seriously off with your fan base.

      1. Or possibly the mental state of the developed countries where these books are being read. I mean, really, who wants a husband who is basically a frozen icicle? I’d not want to share a bed with someone who has an average temperature of below freezing. (Although to be honest, I don’t like sharing the bed full stop as in my experience the other person always hogs both the bed and the duvet.)

        Or do these ladies mean rich enough? In which case, their husbands are better off without them, if you ask me.

        1. I remember discussing with someone about whether the peen would be frozen too. And sparkly.

          1. It must be. Although I really don’t want to think of how it, er, well, works.

            One thing I did wonder about was how if they drink all that blood, but are made of stone, where does the blood go? Do they sort of burn it off the way we’d burn off the calories contained in soda? Because clearly they don’t do things like go to the toilet.

            One other plot hole I thought of with these books – the only time Bella’s period gets mentioned is when it doesn’t turn up on their honeymoon. Given that menstruation is generally rather icky, messy, and above all, smelly, how did Edward manage to spend the nights with her smelling rather more of blood than normal?

            And on that subject, I just had another thought, even more gross, about the possibilities of grossness should Bella have used the mooncup device…

          2. Believe it or not, people have had discussions about this. Something about “dead blood” was mentioned. I do wonder how many calories are in blood. It would explain why they stay in such good shape.

            And we’re not even getting into how Eddie had the sperm to father a baby. Was it just sittin’ around in there for a century? I mean, supposedly he was the oldest virgin ever before Bella.

          3. Meyer did try to cover that plot loop-hole by having Bella “remember” that Charlie Chaplin was in his 70’s when he fathered his last sprog, and how apart from getting fat and bits stopping working, hormonally at any rate, men don’t change as greatly as women over the years, so basically sparkly vampires still have live ejaculate and can also somehow cause the woman they’re engaging in intercourse with to spontaneously ovulate so that they get them pregnant, even though (by my maths) Bella’s most fertile stage of her cycle was about 2 days before they got hitched.

            I’m using the “grown up” words for these things because that – oddly – makes it a bit less icky to think about.

  9. Came across this and immediately thought of your blog. They should really have T1 and T2 come in and guest host with them.

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