I lose five pounds every morning . . .

When I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response.  Obviously the WP editor knew what she was doing – this is a topic that most people deal with at some point.  Except those teeny, tiny people who have to “struggle” to reach 100 pounds when they are pregnant.  I knew a woman like this.  Luckily for her, she was honestly a very sweet lady, otherwise she might have ended up a teeny, tiny pancake.

Anyway, this was a good and bad thing.  Good in that, hey, look at all the cool people who showed up and took the time to leave interesting and thoughtful comments.  Bad in that, oh crap, now I have to actually stick with this?  Well, maybe not that bad.  I mean, losing weight is a good thing, unless you’re anorexic, then stop, please. The messages we send people, especially women, about weight are just so wrong, but that’s another issue entirely.

Because I do actually need to lose a little.  I’m practical about it.  I know I’m never going to be the size I was before having the Things.  Growing people inside your body shockingly seems to be a real body changer.  I mean, who knew, right?  Even if you do get back in perfect shape, you’ve got all that leftover skin just hangin’ out there.  People like to call them “muffin tops” cause the skin pops out over your jeans like a . . . muffins sound good.  Really good.  Wait.  Here’s an awesome video to take your mind off of muffins.  Especially chocolate ones.

Anyway, part of my quest involves me weighing myself.  I try to avoid this in the same way I try to avoid checking my bank account balance.  It doesn’t change the balance, but you don’t have to feel all sadfaced that way.  But Superbetter says you should weigh yourself.  Bite me, Superbetter.

So I got a scale with a digital readout, because it turns out I couldn’t read the other dusty scale I had without my glasses on and good grief I’m old.  This digital scale is so awesome; it measures even tenths of a pound.  This turns out to be not such a good thing, as I’m trying anything to shave off even bits of pound.  Like weighing myself with as few clothes as possible, first thing in the morning, after bathroom activities.  That’s what Superbetter tells you to do, so that you don’t get all those weird weight fluctuations.

And if you’ve ever weighed yourself throughout the day (as I stupidly did because I am somewhat OCD) you understand why.  It turns out that you can gain and lose as much as five freaking pounds over the course of a day, what with drinking, eating, going potty, eating some more, storing up gas like the Hindenburg, etc.  What the heck is with that?  As if I’m not confused enough?

Anyway, I said my Epic Win was to lose five pounds.  If I wanted to, I could technically say I do that every single day.  First thing in the morning.  The problem is that I lose the same five pounds every single day and then gain them back by nightfall.  Which means I’m pretty much back where I started.  Every single day.  Does this sound familiar?

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

On the plus side, at least I haven’t gained any weight.  I don’t think.  Another thing you are supposed to do is record your weight, but I forget to record the number and then I forget exactly what it was later.  If I’m losing .005 pounds, then I want Superbetter to know this, darn it, because I deserve a Pokemon Power Up.

Yet this blog requires honesty.  No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I could make crap up and none of you would ever know.  It’s not like I’m showing you body shots.  But what would be the point of lying?  So I’m being up front here.  I have made some changes.  I bought food with more fiber in it, and sometimes I remember to eat it.  I haven’t totally shaken the sugary cola thing, but I don’t drink as much of it.  I mostly try to drink diet, which they say increases your sugar cravings, but I’m not sure how I would tell this as I am a sugar fiend anyway.  I don’t like diet as much, therefore, there isn’t as much soda consumption.  I’m trying to increase the amount of water I drink.  If it’s cold, it’s not so bad.

I am walking more, or at least being more mindful about it.  I take the stairs, not the elevator.  I work on the second floor of a university library, which means I must trudge up stairs and across a very large floor to get to my office.  The bathroom happens to be on the other side of this floor, or, if I wish, I can trudge down stairs to go to the staff only restroom.  Either way, I’m getting pee exercise.  I have to do this a lot (see babies change your body above) so yay, exercise.  No more elevator unless I’m truly desperate.  It helps that my boss got trapped in this elevator for over an hour one day.  Seriously.

I haven’t made it to the gym in months.  But I’m thinking about it.  And it turns out that thinking is pretty important because thinking can lead to doing, at least better than not thinking about it can.  For some reason this reminds me of a Yoda quote.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.

I’m trying, which hopefully will lead to doing.  This is a slow process, a quest that takes me inch by inch.  But I’m not “doing not” which means eventually, with some work, I will do.  I hope you all will stay along for the journey.

61 responses

  1. Congrats! You totally have Dieting: Step One down pat! (Step One: don’t gain weight.) But I was distracted by “pee exercise”. That counts?! Really? Can I track that on Weight Watchers?

    1. Depends on how far you have to go to pee, I guess. Although Superbetter says anything that isn’t either sitting, laying down, or eating is exercise. So if you move, you burn calories. Actually you burn calories in your sleep. Sadly not enough to forgo actual exercise.

  2. Weird you should bring that up, was just talking to someone about the exact same things, weight fluctuations during the day and all. One thing I read and that makes a lot of sense is, you need to have a fixed time to weigh yourself every day. Like, fall out of bed, stumble to the bathroom and get on the scale (ala moi). A step up from that would be hanging a calender near the scale and scribble the numbers up (in semi hieroglyphics, mind you. My fiance does this thing where he says it loud somewhere in the day and gets bonked on the head for it). The added advantage is that not only do you see how well you’re doing, but those days where youre bloated and cranky are just a blip on the radar too! Oh and yeah, this lady I know, she walked round her block every day, adding an extra round each day. That has to be the simplest and most effective way of building up your stamina there is!

    Hope that helped a bit! =)

    1. It did, thanks. I try to just weight myself in the morning. I’m getting into the habit, so it is getting easier to remember. I try to run over and record it right away on computer. Because apparently there are no working pens in the house. The calendar (with a pen surgically attached) is a good idea.

  3. My best diet so far has been the removal of my tonsils. I might start a whole series…Lose Weight Lose Body Parts. Look at how little Hugo weighs. I think this is my ticket out of the libraryhood.

    1. Totally. I gave up my uterus a few years ago, so I guess I lost like a pound then. Woot. I still have my tonsils, though. I must do something about that. We’re talking a few good ounces right there, right?

    2. That’s how I lost my weight – losing my appendix! Seriously, the Lose Body Parts Diet works super well! Apparently losing a little body in the shape of a person doesn’t work so well… I’m going to remember that…

      1. What’s funny is that I lost all the weight after my babies. But then I stayed home with them and had no sleep and ate terribly and barely move and bam suddenly I had gained weight. Huh. But yeah, you do get that extra skin either way – people don’t tell you that. Although you’d think I’d have figured it out.

  4. Every bit of exercise helps and, like purpleperceptions has said, it’s best to weigh at one specific time. My hubby and I weigh ourselves with minimal clothes on and at the same time each day and it helps 🙂 You can even try taking your measurements and for us, that was a BIG motivator. To watch centimetres (or inches) drop off. YAY! Get yourself a pedometer to track how many steps you walk each day. you’ll be surprised how much exercise you get without realising it 🙂 You can even turn it in to a game. Today I walked 5000 steps and tomorrow I’ll do 5020. And you and hubby can compete with each other. It keeps you motivated (but perhaps I’m just overly competitive, lol). Good luck Alice! You’re motivating me to get back in to proper habits. I look forward to reading about the rest of your journey 😀

    1. I have a pedometer, but its battery ran out. I should get another one. They are pretty cool. Last time I used one, the kids kept borrowing it and bouncing up and down everywhere. Why do they have all the energy, huh?

      I hadn’t thought about the measurements thing. Maybe I’ll try that. The biggest test will be fitting into smaller pants! Or at least fitting into the ones I already own better.

  5. I am very sorry to point it out, but you sound like a neurotic piece of work in this post. You not only argue with yourself “Yet this blog requires honesty. No, it doesn’t.” but also with mythical beings “Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.”

    Fortunately, it is quite entertaining.

    1. I probably sound like a neurotic piece of work because I am one. At least I’m true to myself.

  6. Try lemon or lime slices in your water. Added benefit to taste: alkalines your body which helps with weight loss. 🙂 Keep pluggin’ along, girl. You’re doing great!

    P.S. My biggest problem with my weight is that for some reason, once I start eating, I don’t want to stop! What is THAT about??

    1. I don’t know. This seems especially true if it’s a cookies and cream milkshake. “Keep eating” says my body “you never know when you’ll get another one! Store it up in your thighs!”

  7. Dearest Alice, I’m afraid we can’t be friends anymore. I can’t believe you insulted Yoda that way. You suck. Take it back.

    1. Aw, I didn’t insult the real Yoda, just the muppet that played him on T.V.

        1. Yoda – Sorry, I am. Forgive me, you must.

          1. Forgiven, you are. Thank you, I do.

  8. Good for you for making some changes. I wish you well. I have a hard time with diet soda, too. I don’t drink coffee, so I use diet soda as my caffeine. I’m trying to switch to only tea, but I’ve decided I’m fighting a losing battle, because I like a little carbonation in my drink at times. Since I got a SodaStream for my birthday, however, I’m doing better. Can flavor the water (I like the diet grapefruit juice and the diet fruit punch) and get a little kick of carbonation without drinking actual diet soda. I suppose there’s still stuff in the flavoring that I’m supposed to avoid, but for now, it’s been great.

    1. What is this SodaStream? I must look this up – research!

      1. Plus I can get my supplies for it at Target (new CO2 canisters, flavorings, etc.)

  9. I have trouble making sure to drink enough water, too. Especially now, in winter, b/c it’s so freaking cold! What I have been doing, is drinking those Celestial Seasonings teas with honey (no sugar – turns out, I don’t need it!). They’re super yummy, and that also means I’m consuming less caffeine – win/win!

    1. I haven’t really found a tea I like yet. I might have to try those out. I like the idea of adding honey to them. Honey. Mmm.

      1. I didn’t like tea until I got a cold – it was the only thing that made me feel better (I am NOT a water drinker either). Now, I can’t get enough of it! I don’t know how / why, but it’ addicting. And the smart lady above points out an awesome brand – they make a Tension Tamer tea that may have a lame-o name, but (to me) tastes like hot rootbeer / cider mixed. Effing awesome, try it out. 🙂 Also, drinking tea helps burn fat, so you win.

        1. Hmm, it wouldn’t hurt to try it then, huh? Tension Tamer – that’s funny. Tame my tension, tea, and we’ll see. 😀

  10. Oh, Alice, I like your Freshly Pressed badge! Good luck with this. I’m trying to lose a few pounds, too. Perhaps, I should invest in a scale to motivate me, although I don’t really want one that does tenths! Criminy! I get discouraged quick. Hang in there, Alice. You can do it! We can do it.

    1. At least my scale doesn’t groan like I hear the Wii Fit one does. That’s all I need is a smartass scale. 😀

  11. Secretly I hope you don’t lose the 5 lbs. (I do, for your sake, if this is what you wish). But reading this had me laughing over and over again and that is worth much more to me than a slight change in your lovely figure.

    1. Aw, thanks. I’m sure I’ll probably find other things to be neurotic about, should I actually lose the pounds. 😀

  12. Nude weigh-ins? I read all that and the only sticker is nude weigh-ins – I clearly need to get some!
    Seriously – good luck, and never slip-into getting all messed up about it. The skinny ones on telly get thousands of $$$ and a free trainer to look like that – we get diddly!
    Personally I like a bit of extra! (so body shots, right! 😉 )

    1. You and Sir Mix-a-Lot, Panda. 😀

  13. LOOOVE this. Remember, if you are wearing glasses, to subtract 0.00775 from your digital scale. Gives me a feeling of accomplishment, as I weight myself nude, but with glasses on 😉

    1. Hey, yeah! I wear glasses. Also, I have long hair. It certainly feels like my hair weighs a ton. I’m adding in a pound there. I should go get it cut but meh. I don’t want to bother.

  14. Thinking burns calories as well. Maybe it counts as exercise if you try to read really difficult books? 🙂

    1. I should have lost my entire body weight reading that awful 50 Shades series then.

      1. 😀 Maybe you had to do some compensatory stress-eating? Otherwise, I can’t explain it.
        Good luck on the quest though!

  15. The only thing that will stabilize your body is cutting out carbs. Sorry kiddies, they’re terrible for you. High protein, low carb is where it’s at.

    This is coming from someone who had a pizza at lunch.

    1. Ugh, I know. I LOVE bread more than anything, possibly even more than sugar. Actually I love cinnamon rolls which combines both.

  16. YAY ALICE! YOU CAN DO IT! You’re da girl! Or rather, da lady! =D

    1. I’ll accept girl! 😀 With you as cheerleader, how can I go wrong? Get the pomp pomps out!

  17. Ah the yo – yo yes I weigh myself every morning perhaps a touch of OCD or just a ritual. If I eat lunch (salad usually this is all it is) I have minimal or do not eat dinner. My metabolism has slowed (yay for getting older!) 😦 so one decent meal a day is sufficent, if I am starving which I never seem to actually be (I only eat because of years of people saying you must) then I graze, on fruit, nuts etc.I would love to have thick slices of fresh bread with butter and delightful cheese or topping, but I seldom do. What I eat one day – tells me how I should be the next., I try and walk for a minimum of 30 mins each day. On the weekend it can be an hour or two. I drink only diet drinks even with alcohol and stay clear of wine as much as possible (loaded with calories) The only way of losing weight is to move your body and consume less calories. 😦 sad but true.

    1. Wow. I have to eat or I get low blood sugar and MAN anyone who knows me knows “you must feed the Alice.” I need to up my walking. At least I’m getting some at work. I used to go to the gym, but have not been able to drag myself back yet.

  18. I think it’s the little changes that have the bigger effect, like your not using the elevator. That’s one of those long-term things, which means that while it won’t have an immediate effect, it will help increase your fitness level over a period of time.

    I was going to suggest keeping a notepad in the bathroom by the scales, but then realised that this is a bad idea, as if it were me, I’d probably lose the notepad under a towel or something, or someone else would walk off with it. (It’s part of community life – you could put a £5 note on a table and it would stay there for months. A book on the other hand would disappear faster than you could say “hey, I was reading that!”)

    1. Ha! It’s a part of family life too. Thing Two is especially bad about snatching stuff and dragging things out. When she was around two, she gas-lighted me. I thought I was losing it cause I kept losing my purse, keys, shoes. Then I saw her pick up one shoe one day, walk into another room, and randomly drop it. Ah ha!

      1. Maybe now, you should do that to yourself? In a sensible sort of way, just so that you have to walk around your house to collect things before leaving the house, to get a wee bit extra exercise in?

        Then again, forget I said that, it would drive you (more) demented.

        1. Actually I do that all the time anyway. I’m constantly losing things all on my own, which was why her moving stuff around was making me think it’d gotten worse, lol. I was just saying the other day I get more exercise from being forgetful and circling the house looking for something or walking to the car and remembering something I left behind and then remembering something else and walking back again . . .

          I can only imagine what will happen when I’m elderly if I”m this bad now.

          1. Ah, but when you’re elderly, you can get one of those four-wheeled walker things with a basket that doubles as a seat in it, and you’ll be able to put everything in the basket. Although I recommend you don’t try to put The Things in the basket as they’ll be too big by then.

  19. The way I lose all the extra weight: no sodas/any type of juice, no sweets, no bread for two weeks or a month, depending on how much I need to lose. Also, I cook everything from scratch, even chicken soup, to avoid processed foods that have lots of fats and sugar in them. Once I lose what I need to lose, I try to keep up with this life style, but it is not exactly easy since I love chocolate. But I try not to have it very often, only 2-3 times a week or so. Same with bread. I am doing this for years and one thing stuck to my lifestyle. I don’t drink soda anymore, which is quite an accomplishment. Six years ago I was having 2 liters a day. It is not exactly a diet, is more like being aware of what you eat and drink. By the way, last year, for the first time in many, many years, my blood tests were perfect. 🙂

    1. I’m getting better with the sodas, I think, not so much with the other. But baby steps are better than none, I guess. Bread is a major thing with me – I admire anyone who can give it up for even a week. That’s great that your blood tests were perfect. And I’m becoming more aware, like you said, and that’s a good first step.

      1. Baby steps is the best idea:) And yes, becoming aware is the most important thing. Good luck!:)

  20. First of all, that urbanmythcafe, do you want me to yell at him? ‘Cause I’ll do it. The little troll.

    And congratulations! You’re getting there!
    As for tips that everyone seems to be giving you, all I have is a warning. I drank a lot of diet coke while I was on my bunny diet, it was the only thing that didn’t taste like cardboard. Now I can’t look at it anymore. I don’t know what it is. The mere thought of drinking diet coke makes me cringe. Eww! Get it away from me!
    You think I’m crazy don’t you? Eh, you probably thought that anyway 🙂

    1. You are crazy which is why you’re my kind of people. I’m starting to feel that way with the colas. Now coke is beginning to be too sweet, but I’m not that into the diet either. Yesterday I might have gone totally without, but I was afraid of the backlash no caffeine headache, so I drank just a little with supper. I might need it this morning, though. COMA.

      As for the other, I’d hate to have any quarreling on my blog (FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!).

  21. […] today’s post. She’s trying to lose some weight. (and doing a great job, btw. She’s being very honest with herself and the internet) But losing […]

  22. I found you via Miss Four Eyes — you’re just as funny as her! I love your writing style. Thanks so much for being on WordPress. You have another fan!

    (That video is awesome!) Cheers from NJ 🙂

    1. That IS a compliment. Thanks and glad to have you!

  23. I am trying to shed some pounds as well: being Italian, I mainly ate carbs, salads and fruits but it turns out that they f—ing boast the sugar levels in your blood, which wreaks havoc with your metabolism.
    I cannot stand chicken breasts and similar stuff, so I decided to hit the gym instead.
    Wish me luck 😀

    1. Good luck. Whew. Good thing I don’t eat salads! The bread and fruits though . . . yeah that could be a problem. I really think if we were intended to eat veggies, someone On High or Evolution or Something would have made them taste better.

  24. […] via I lose five pounds every morning . . .. […]

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