50 Shades Flunked Lesson Twelve

So we’ve made it to chapter twelve.  I knew we could do it.  Don’t look ahead on the syllabus, you’ll only – you did, didn’t you?  Well, it’s your fault that you just realized there are eleventy billion more chapters because E.L. continues to add them in our sleep.

So last time I asked you to fill in the blank of this question “Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.”  I got some creative responses on this one.  And by creative I mean slightly disturbing, as usual. I’m so proud of my students!  I couldn’t choose a favorite, so here they are.

piano

Sad piano. Wah-wahhhhh.

Lesbiannextdoor:  Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana breathed. It seems that’s all it takes for that twatnozzle to get mad at her! Uggghh this god damned book!

Speaker 7: The correct answer is Christian’s all sad piano because Ana lost her vagina.

TAE: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana discovers masturbation!

Womansmdguide: I’m confused. Christian plays the sad piano and Ana sucks the trombone? Because…she wanted to finish the chapter? Nah!! Because she washed her own butt plug? Because she DIDNT wash the butt plug! That’s IT!

Miss Four Eyes: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana dies tragically (which is actually not very tragic for us) after her brain exploded from trying to learn the alphabet.

Storkhunter: Christian gets all sadfaced because Ana stops calling him her Fifty after she realises she only has ten fingers.

GiggsMcGillJill: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana turns out not to be Bella from Twilight, but Christian appears to be Edward since he’s playing the piano and being sadfaced….

Faithhopechocolate: I’m guessing Christipoo went all sadfaced because Ana probably mentioned his crack-whore mommy or something. Or maybe he just decided that he’s a complete heel and useless human being who’ll never actually be liked by any women with brains. Or maybe Ana had a brain transplant with a golden retriever and is now marginally more intelligent?

Oooh, play it for me, Christipoo!

Oooh, play it for me, Christipoo! *

Of course all of you got it wrong.  Good job!  The correct answer is – well, let’s just get to it and you’ll see that Christian was, like, totally justified in playing sad piano.  And so are we, because we are reading this shit.  Let’s get to it.

We start off exactly where we left off last time, with Ana cuddling with her Christipoo after he tortured her with sexytimes until she used the safe word to make him stop.  Awww. We’d just learned the incredibly important plot point that Christian and Jack Hyde were born in the same town.  That answers so much.  By which I mean nothing.

Ana thinks of Christipoo as a sad little abused Oliver Twist (AliceScreams) again and tells Christian and even he is annoyed by this.  She says she knows he just wants to control her every breath because he wants to protect her (RedFlag, AnaFail), and he says “Yet you still choose to defy me” (RedFlag) Ana ponders this in her tiny, tiny brain and thinks “Holy Cow (AliceScreams), do I do that deliberately?” Yes, Ana, you do, so it’s all your fault that he’s a psycho who will probably kill you.  Of course. (AnaFail, AliceRage)

Please, crackmommy, m'have some more?

Please, crackmommy, m’have s’more?

Ana tells him she safeworded him because she was afraid he wouldn’t stop and Christian says he got “lost in the moment” which is the usual defense for ax murderers, and Ana says “for some bizarre reason the thought pleases me.” (AnaFail)  Crap, Ana, you make it pretty much impossible to feel sorry for you.  Only this book could make me wish for a fictional murder / suicide.

Ana tells him she’ll “try to be more considerate”. (AnaFail) And Christian says he’s sorry he acted like an asshole.  Haha, just kidding!  No he doesn’t.  He falls asleep and has another nightmare about crackmommy or something stupid (AliceScreams).  Ana wakes him up and he mauls her, because nothing heals Christian faster than Anavagina. (FacePalm) He commands her to orgasm, which she does (AliceScreams) AGAIN.  She’s like one of those blow up dolls, only programmable to explode on cue.

ana

Mini Ana Blow-Up Doll.
Get yours now!

They go to sleep again, and Ana wakes up to hear, dun dun dun, Sad Piano! (AliceScreams)  Ana asks what’s wrong with the poor Christipoo puppy?  And he says, “A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife.  She won’t do as she’s told.  She safewords on me.” (WTF, RedFlag)  Talk about problems, man.  I mean, nevermind that you’ve got some guy trying to kill your wife, she won’t sit and stay and sometimes whimpers when you smack her around too much! (AliceRage)  Jeez!

So naturally Ana says “You asshat, you’re lucky I didn’t call the fucking cops! And stop playing that goddamn piano before I shove those keys up your fucking nose until they pierce your brain!”  Haha, just kidding.  No, Ana says “I’m sorry.” (AnaFail, Facepalm) She asks what his bad dream was about and he tells her she was cold and dead.  A dream or a future forecast?  Who knows?  Gosh, this is fun.

The next morning Ana is all philosophizing about how tortured Christian was and how he tortured her (no seriously, she thinks this) and how she needs to “chart a course” for their love and still keep her “integrity and independence” and I just spat my drink all over the keyboard. (FacePalm)  She’s cute when she’s stupid.

I am strong and independent.  Math is hard.

I am strong and independent. Math is hard.

Christian informs her she has a surprise!  He’s gonna kill her!  Just kidding.  He takes her to his jet (he has a jet cause he is super rich and hott you guyz, omg).  And on the jet is the rest of the Moron Brigade – his stupid brother and sister, and her pal Kate and her brother.  They are flying to Aspen all together!  Whee. (BoredNow)  Ana is so excited she pees on the floor.

Christian decides to have a word with Ana in private on the jet (Now he’s gonna kill her) and throws her over his shoulder and carries her off. (FacePalm)  Omg, that is so cute I could puke.  They blah blah about something, and Ana sees the stewardess is hot and brunette and oh nooos! (FacePalm)  Then Ana blah blahs with Kate about the whole nearly getting dead from Hyde business (BoredNow) and then they tell more about Hyde like that his parents were drunks and he went to Princeton and blah blah I don’t give a crap. (BoredNow) And Christian’s brother makes fun of him (go Elliot) and then we end the chapter on this daring cliffhanger.  Natalia, hot brunette stewardess asks . . . “May I offer anyone coffee?”  Dun dun dunnnn.

Final Score: (calculated by red deductions (-2) and purple AliceScreams deductions (-20)) 100-38 – 100 = -38
I don't want s'more of this crap, thanks.

I don’t want s’more of this crap, thanks.

Get out your number two keyboards!

Get out your number two keyboards!

Next time on The Vaginal Balls of Wrath . . .

A: Slutty Realtor shows up and sluts up the place.

B. Kate is sadfaced cause Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana.

C. Nothing happens.

D. All of the above

*statue of Linus and Lucy is in downtown Paul, MN.  Cool, huh?

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31 responses

  1. I forgot how compelling the last book is and by compelling, I mean buttpluggish. The time in Aspen is even more compelling if that can be believed, which makes the correct answer C.

    1. Very good guess. Thus far everything has been buttpluggish (buttplug + sluggish = fabulous new word) and nothing has really happened. It’s like she just randomly writes stuff and at a certain point says, “I’m tired, I’ll stop here for now.” That’s it. There is NO STORY. None, none, none, arghhhhhhh!

      Better now.

  2. C. Nothing Happens…because OMG! I can’t take anymore of this. Seriously, is it possible to be any more disgusting? Don’t answer that…I already know.

    1. I keep saying the same thing. Surely it can’t get worse. And then it gets worse. Considering she keeps repeating herself, I’m not sure how she manages to both repeat and get progressively worse. That’s anti-talent there.

      1. Too bad anti-talent isn’t anywhere near as interesting as anti-matter.

        1. Anti-matter blows up, right? If only Ana could find some anti-matter.

          1. put some in that butt-plug and take them both out…muhahaha

          2. I cannot think of a better way for them to go – kabooooooom!

          3. I hope when you finish those books you use them for kindling.

  3. This Fucking Book!! UGHH! I’m going to guess B, only because it sounds very stupid – so therefore very EL James.

    Love the comments from the last class btw! Hysterical stuff here 🙂

    1. Yes! I love the comments. So refreshing to see sanity on the Internet. And stupid is an excellent guess. I just don’t think you could purposely be this stupid, could you?

      1. Never underestimate the power of EL James’ ability to be the stupidest person on earth! The wrath of Christian *yawnimsoboring* Grey may get you!

        1. 50 Shades will make her sleeeeeep – and have nightmares!

  4. Where is E? Oompa Loompas come streaming out of Ana’s vagina like a clown car. And they are all wearing nose plugs.

    1. OMG, that is the best comment ever so far. Truly, Ana’s vagina is magical.

      1. Hmm…I don’t know if magical was the word I would choose, but we’ll go with that.

        1. Well, there’s evil magic. Oompa Loompas are evil. That movie scares the shit out of me.

          1. True enough. I’d rather not know about Ana OR Oomp Loompas. Ignorance really is bliss.

  5. I will never read this book. I do not need a safe word not to read this book.

    1. You are very wise, Soul Survivor.

  6. Alice, I’m laughing so hard right now! At everything, I forgot how bad the book was! You make 50 shades worth reading 😀

    It’s D. It’s always D. Everything happens, and yet nothing really ever happens.

    1. I know! It’s such a paradox! I bet James doesn’t know what that means. And thanks. I think 50 Shades is like the Alamo. Never forget!

  7. I want to say B, but wasn’t there a rule for standardized tests that says, “when in doubt, choose c”? So I should choose C. But I like B – but C is better…

    I was experimenting with what it was like to be dumb and indecisive like Ana. It sucks.

    I say B.

    1. All of the above gets in your guess, your inner goddess’s guess, your subconscious’s guess, and a bonus guess for Squirrel. Win win.

  8. I suspect D, because technically in the whole of the books, C happens around things like A and B and the unspecified E which is Christipoo bangs (by which I mean it in that she gets hit with as well as in the sexual sense) Ana using an assortment of implements , possibly including his penis, a table tennis bat (because why use a regular paddle?) and a butt plug, whilst she is restrained in some sort of ungodly manner, and probably gagged so she can’t utter the “safe” word of “stop it now before I turn you into John Wayne Bobbit”. Which I realise can’t be the safe word, because Ana can’t remember anything longer than 2 syllables.

    1. If only Ana would pull a Bobbit, I would forgive all her other idiocy. But of course she would never do that. Because she is an idiot. Oh, and Christipoo will do all of these things and Ana will think it is totes romantic!

      1. We can but dream about Ana pulling a knife on Christipoo. As I’ve previously mentioned, there are canines and felines out there with more brain than Ana – not that it takes much. I think the deceased squirrel from Christmas Eve, in its deceased state, had more cognitive power than Ana…

        1. True. True. At least small animals have some sort of self-preservation instinct. I’m sure that squirrel did before he was offed. By entirely innocent circumstances, adds Squirrel.

          1. Squirrel has already said that he didn’t force anyone to drink that last kegger, so I know he’s (relatively) innocent.

            I suspect Squirrel, should he sit an IQ test ever, would turn out to be 6 million times more intelligent than Ana…

  9. I’m choosing E. Where they all fall off a mountain in Aspen and freeze to death. Their bodies would be found weeks later all frozen with Christipoos fingers in Ana’s vagina.

  10. This is a topic that is near to my heart… Thank you! Exactly
    where are your contact details though?

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