So we’ve made it to chapter twelve. I knew we could do it. Don’t look ahead on the syllabus, you’ll only – you did, didn’t you? Well, it’s your fault that you just realized there are eleventy billion more chapters because E.L. continues to add them in our sleep.
So last time I asked you to fill in the blank of this question “Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana ______.” I got some creative responses on this one. And by creative I mean slightly disturbing, as usual. I’m so proud of my students! I couldn’t choose a favorite, so here they are.
Lesbiannextdoor: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana breathed. It seems that’s all it takes for that twatnozzle to get mad at her! Uggghh this god damned book!
Speaker 7: The correct answer is Christian’s all sad piano because Ana lost her vagina.
TAE: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana discovers masturbation!
Womansmdguide: I’m confused. Christian plays the sad piano and Ana sucks the trombone? Because…she wanted to finish the chapter? Nah!! Because she washed her own butt plug? Because she DIDNT wash the butt plug! That’s IT!
Miss Four Eyes: Next chapter, Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again (cue sad trombone, wah wahhhh) because Ana dies tragically (which is actually not very tragic for us) after her brain exploded from trying to learn the alphabet.
Storkhunter: Christian gets all sadfaced because Ana stops calling him her Fifty after she realises she only has ten fingers.
GiggsMcGillJill: Christian gets all sadfaced on us and plays his goddamn piano again because Ana turns out not to be Bella from Twilight, but Christian appears to be Edward since he’s playing the piano and being sadfaced….
Faithhopechocolate: I’m guessing Christipoo went all sadfaced because Ana probably mentioned his crack-whore mommy or something. Or maybe he just decided that he’s a complete heel and useless human being who’ll never actually be liked by any women with brains. Or maybe Ana had a brain transplant with a golden retriever and is now marginally more intelligent?
Of course all of you got it wrong. Good job! The correct answer is – well, let’s just get to it and you’ll see that Christian was, like, totally justified in playing sad piano. And so are we, because we are reading this shit. Let’s get to it.
We start off exactly where we left off last time, with Ana cuddling with her Christipoo after he tortured her with sexytimes until she used the safe word to make him stop. Awww. We’d just learned the incredibly important plot point that Christian and Jack Hyde were born in the same town. That answers so much. By which I mean nothing.
Ana thinks of Christipoo as a sad little abused Oliver Twist (AliceScreams) again and tells Christian and even he is annoyed by this. She says she knows he just wants to control her every breath because he wants to protect her (RedFlag, AnaFail), and he says “Yet you still choose to defy me” (RedFlag) Ana ponders this in her tiny, tiny brain and thinks “Holy Cow (AliceScreams), do I do that deliberately?” Yes, Ana, you do, so it’s all your fault that he’s a psycho who will probably kill you. Of course. (AnaFail, AliceRage)
Ana tells him she safeworded him because she was afraid he wouldn’t stop and Christian says he got “lost in the moment” which is the usual defense for ax murderers, and Ana says “for some bizarre reason the thought pleases me.” (AnaFail) Crap, Ana, you make it pretty much impossible to feel sorry for you. Only this book could make me wish for a fictional murder / suicide.
Ana tells him she’ll “try to be more considerate”. (AnaFail) And Christian says he’s sorry he acted like an asshole. Haha, just kidding! No he doesn’t. He falls asleep and has another nightmare about crackmommy or something stupid (AliceScreams). Ana wakes him up and he mauls her, because nothing heals Christian faster than Anavagina. (FacePalm) He commands her to orgasm, which she does (AliceScreams) AGAIN. She’s like one of those blow up dolls, only programmable to explode on cue.
They go to sleep again, and Ana wakes up to hear, dun dun dun, Sad Piano! (AliceScreams) Ana asks what’s wrong with the poor Christipoo puppy? And he says, “A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She safewords on me.” (WTF, RedFlag) Talk about problems, man. I mean, nevermind that you’ve got some guy trying to kill your wife, she won’t sit and stay and sometimes whimpers when you smack her around too much! (AliceRage) Jeez!
So naturally Ana says “You asshat, you’re lucky I didn’t call the fucking cops! And stop playing that goddamn piano before I shove those keys up your fucking nose until they pierce your brain!” Haha, just kidding. No, Ana says “I’m sorry.” (AnaFail, Facepalm) She asks what his bad dream was about and he tells her she was cold and dead. A dream or a future forecast? Who knows? Gosh, this is fun.
The next morning Ana is all philosophizing about how tortured Christian was and how he tortured her (no seriously, she thinks this) and how she needs to “chart a course” for their love and still keep her “integrity and independence” and I just spat my drink all over the keyboard. (FacePalm) She’s cute when she’s stupid.
Christian informs her she has a surprise! He’s gonna kill her! Just kidding. He takes her to his jet (he has a jet cause he is super rich and hott you guyz, omg). And on the jet is the rest of the Moron Brigade – his stupid brother and sister, and her pal Kate and her brother. They are flying to Aspen all together! Whee. (BoredNow) Ana is so excited she pees on the floor.
Christian decides to have a word with Ana in private on the jet (Now he’s gonna kill her) and throws her over his shoulder and carries her off. (FacePalm) Omg, that is so cute I could puke. They blah blah about something, and Ana sees the stewardess is hot and brunette and oh nooos! (FacePalm) Then Ana blah blahs with Kate about the whole nearly getting dead from Hyde business (BoredNow) and then they tell more about Hyde like that his parents were drunks and he went to Princeton and blah blah I don’t give a crap. (BoredNow) And Christian’s brother makes fun of him (go Elliot) and then we end the chapter on this daring cliffhanger. Natalia, hot brunette stewardess asks . . . “May I offer anyone coffee?” Dun dun dunnnn.
Final Score: (calculated by red deductions (-2) and purple AliceScreams deductions (-20)) 100-38 – 100 = -38
Next time on The Vaginal Balls of Wrath . . .
A: Slutty Realtor shows up and sluts up the place.
B. Kate is sadfaced cause Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana.
C. Nothing happens.
D. All of the above
*statue of Linus and Lucy is in downtown Paul, MN. Cool, huh?