You can learn so much from Cosmo

Actual headlines at Cosmopolitan.com today *:

Is the Sex Diet Legit?

It’s Coming: Obama Erotica

Hoo-ha smells that aren’t okay

Hard hitting journalism, folks

Hard hitting journalism, folks

Let no one say Cosmo does not have their hands on the . . . the throbbing pulse of America!  This is um, hard news here, people.  Since I am trying to lose weight, I figured I’d better check out that Sex Diet first.  I think I could handle that.

And OMG, it is so totally legit because Dr. Oz (he’s a real doctor, supposedly, who used to be on Oprah’s show, not the actual land of Oz, although I did hear he successfully treated members of the Lollipop Guild) said so!  See, evil carbs cause you to gain weight (cinnamon rollsssss) because they release feel good chemicals and you want more.  Sex releases feel good chemicals too!  Do you see the connection?  I know, it’s like right there!

Dorothy thinks Dr. Oz sucks.

Dorothy thinks Dr. Oz sucks.

So our Cosmo reporter decided to bravely test this diet out (for science!) and reach for a condom instead of cheesecake.  I do hope she doesn’t eat the condom.  Anyhoo, she decides to do this for five days.  On day one, she goes to work and watches a clip of True Blood and is so, um, satisfied, by the hot vampire that she no longer wants a donut!  And I’m thinking, I want her job.  And the donut.

Day Two she watches more TV, this time some show all about diners (sounds fascinating) and gets a craving for carbs and jumps hubby.  Hubby must not be as good as the vampire, because she still goes out and gets chips later.  Hmm.

Chips or husband, chips or husband.  Decisions, decisions

Chips or husband, chips or husband. Decisions, decisions

Day Three she hears about cupcakes in the work breakroom and sexts her husband to keep her mind off of the cupcakes.  Good plan.  My husband would probably be like “wtf I’m trying to work” but hers begrudgingly gives her a little something and the craving is gone.  Gone!

Day Four the deli brings her toast with her eggs.  Oh, nooos!  She jumps her hubby, though, and she forgets about food.  I’m starting to think Ana Steele wrote this article.

The last day, she gets such bad cravings they have to use porn to stop them!  I bet her husband at least likes the diet.  Alas, it doesn’t work.  So it seems the sex diet is off.  Damn.

Where me freaking cookies, Cosmo?

Cookie Monster favors carbs.

I guess she should have checked out some “Obama Erotica” instead.  Now I like Obama, but I had never really thought of him quite that way before.  Sure, I had that dream about him being my prom date (seriously) but that’s it.  Well, guess what book pops to this reporter’s mind you will never guess!  50 Shades!  Yes, because apparently this is another fan fiction (about the President?) getting all hot with Michelle in Hawaii.   I think this person missed the boat.  Clearly Clinton porn would have been more interesting, especially with all the multiple characters and whatnot.

Speaking of porn, I wondered if maybe my hoo-ha was alright, you know, smell wise.  According to Cosmo, your hoo-ha (what do they call penises?  I have to know.) has all sorts of smells.  I’m intrigued.  It can smell strong and musky (if you’ve just been to the gym or had sex with Squirrel), or fishy (if you’ve just had sex with ice cream.)  Cosmo provides a helpful picture of cooked fish beside this part, so that you will never want to eat it again.

This is the actual image beside the article.  Mmmm.

This is the actual image beside the article. Mmmm.

Odor number 3 is “chlorine-like or bleachy” and typically comes from gettin’ a little too personal with your laundry detergent.  Or from a man using a condom.  Odor four describes yeast infections as smelling like bread and the discharge looking like cottage cheese.  Anyone up for some fish with a side of cottage cheese?  Odor number five is “tinny” and happens when you stick canned foods in your nether regions.  Or when you’re on your period.

And finally, odor number six is “sweet”.  Apparently you do what you eat, cause different foods cause different hoo-ha smells (and tastes!)  I’ve always wanted my hoo-ha to have a citrus smell, like my kitchen cleaner.  So I’ll eat oranges and avoid the asparagus which apparently can give your hoo-ha an unpleasant aroma.  If only Ana from 50 Shades would eat some asparagus then have Christian come sniff her hoo-ha.  That would be great.

So you see, you can learn so much from Cosmo.  Now I’m off to go curb my carb addiction with hubby just as soon as I freshen up my hoo-ha and watch Obama’s hot and heavy State of the Union address.

*You cannot make this shit up.

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79 responses

  1. Oh my. . . Holy. . . Wow. I think I need to check their Twitter feed. Do you know how much more disturbingly entertaining my day could be?

    Oh, Alice, what would I do without you?

    1. You would not know so much about hoo-ha smells, that’s what! You’re welcome. 😀

      We should totally subscribe to their Twitter feed.

      1. I will if you will. 😛

        1. On it. This could be endless entertainment.

          1. Yes. I somehow suspect I may live to regret it, but then I think that with you on board, it will be fun.

  2. After reading this, my hoo-hah smells like despair.

    1. Despair smells like one of those awful perfume samples from the magazine. Eau de Sad.

  3. You are absolutely correct: you cannot make this shit up! BAHAHA
    I’m speechless … in a good way, of course. You may have overdone yourself with this one. I love food way too much to even consider giving it up and, besides, I need all the energy I can get for needs, desires, and relations with Husband. 🙂

    I considered trying the new seafood restaurant in town for dinner tonight, but now I am seriously reconsidering that idea. I don’t want my hoo-ha to smell weird.

    You and Ruby had a great idea: I’m subscribing to their Twitter feed now. For entertainment of course, I could enlighten those Cosmo editors myself. Happy Friday, y’all. 🙂

    1. Exactly. How are supposed to keep our husbands and our hoo has in good shape without sweet-smelling fuel? Good thing I don’t much care for either fish or cottage cheese.

      1. I can do without the cottage cheese considering my extreme allergy to dairy (cow’s milk) products, but I like seafood. I’ll have to figure out how to combat my desire for food *and* friendly relations with the Husband. 😉

  4. So this sex diet, it seems hubby isn’t as good as food huh? Too bad.
    Can we get jobs at Cosmo? It seems really easy! You want Clinton porn? You got Clinton porn! You want to know what your hoo-ha will smell like after you eat a cupcake? I will eat a cupcake and……and then another one!

    P.S. Somebody HAS to write Clinton porn.

    1. I think we would be great Cosmo writers since we already write so much about porn. Clinton porn: Bill entered the oval office. And left. And entered again. And left.

    2. Hey, look below and notice how Christian Book Barn has apparently recommended my article on hoo has. WTF.

      1. No way! GO Alice! *pomp pomp*

        Hey it won’t let me open the link, aw man.

  5. Hoo-hoo ha hoo-hoo! Lmao!! This is hilarious!! And yeah, I think I’m going to off fish for a long time. This is just like the time I mentioned waffles in a forum and someone (very sadistically!) linked me to something called blue waffles. Scarred for life.. *sigh*…

    1. Blue waffles? I must not look that up. I must not.

      1. trust me, you must not. For the sake of waffles, woman!!

  6. a) Cosmos is ri-goddamn-diculous.
    b) Penis = snortdoodle

    1. Snortdoodle is perfect. Next Cosmo article: 10 ways to pleasure his snortdoodle.

  7. I love this post. I actually burst out laughing on the bus. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Thanks for reading. And thanks to Cosmo for the fascinating journalism!

  8. What the holy hell? I can’t believe you actually finished reading that article. Oh, what number smell do you have? LOL

    1. My hoo ha smells like freakin’ roses, of course.

      1. Well I must wonder what’s been going on in there, but its probably best I don’t know.

  9. I hate it when people purport that Va-jay-jays smell like fish! UGHH! Being – eh-hem- intimately involved with a couple of ladies in my time, not one of them smelled even remotely like fish! Nor did they taste like cupcakes. I may be getting a bit graphic, but they don’t really taste like much as long as they are clean! LOL! Okay, I am blushing now, so I’ll stop!

    1. LOL. And a man’s snortdoodle doesn’t taste like a popsickle either. Someone needs to tell Ana Steele that.

  10. I think they spelled that second headline wrong. Shouldn’t it be, “It’s Cuming: Obama Erotica”.

    1. I think that would be more appropriate, yes. 😀

  11. Oh, Alice, you’re hilarious!!! I laughed all the way through this, had to come up for air. You outdid yourself! Husbands or chips, hmm….

    1. It really depends on the kind of chips.

  12. You are a bad person! I took this to heart and spent 2 days eating bubble-gum so my ding-dang would taste of hubba-bubba (but it makes your hoo-haa smell of wrigley’s – weird). Then the next time I got a cake-craving at work I knocked one out under the desk instead – shot a nine-inch bubble into the woodwork and now I’m glued in place and too embarrassed to call the ambulance…
    Your fault… bad Alice!

    1. This has got to be the funniest comment I have ever read anywhere! Your “ding-dang”! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Too funny!

      1. I’m choking on my bubble gum, somebody do the Heimlich quick so I can blow it out my hoo-haa

        1. That kind of talent could get you on the Letterman show!

      2. You should read his blog how-tos. Hilarious.

    2. Dirty Panda! I bet it’s gonna be hell getting that gum out of all that fur.

  13. Hahahaha, those sweet magazines… Gotta love’m for all those nonense.

    1. The jokes write themselves, don’t they?

  14. Finally, I can lose some weight! I have lost my appetite until February, at least.

    Thank you, Alice. I think I will go get a shower now, before I start smelling funny.

    1. Make sure and wash the proper parts. Of course then you’ll smell like soap. Not sure if that’s preferable. You might want to wash with oranges or possibly Lemon Pledge.

  15. Yeah, that wouldn’t work for me (sex diet). I would so have sex or pleasure myself and then jump on that cheesecake. I so want cheesecake now. I am getting cheesecake tomorrow with or without sex. I loved your post, but now I regret reading it when I can’t go out and get cheesecake. Could you not have chosen another sweet like crème puffs? (I hate crème puffs) 😀

    1. You know what I hate? Circus peanuts. Those things are the awfulest awful things to ever dare call themselves candy. Blech. Cheesecake is much better. Also cupcakes. Maybe that’s why they make edible underwear – so you can have your cake and sex too!

  16. Tinny? Tin has a smell?

    1. All I could think was canned food. I don’t want to smell like a can. Although fish is worse.

  17. I feel worryingly educated….

    1. You seriously have to read more women’s magazines. Not really. You would hurt your brain.

  18. Oh dear goodness what is the world coming to?

    This is just too silly to be untrue. I think, though, as it’s time here for tea and cake, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll step away from the internet and go and eat something nice and carb-y.

    1. I definitely wanted carbs after reading this.

      1. Well, I got cake. Did you manage to satisfy your carb requirements or did you have to resort to sex? 😉

        1. Alice has her carbs and sex too!

          1. I feel so much better for knowing that. I think.

            Oh look, it’s 10 to 4 here. That means it’s nearly time for tea and cake. I’ll just go load up on more carbs… 😉

          2. Alice was just kidding. She’s married. So she mostly has carbs. 😀

          3. Not just married, but with The Things as well. I’ll not need the brain bleach this time then, thank goodness!

  19. “Hooah!” Scent of a Woman. Where’s Al Pacino?

    1. I see that movie in a whole new light now . . .

      1. I tried to find a good clip, but didn’t have the patience.

  20. Oh Alice. This quest is taking you into some grand research avenues. Thank goodness Cosmo is already thick into those fishy trenches.

    1. They sure are. They dare to go where no hoo ha has gone before.

  21. […] this reason, Alice at Wonderland’s You can learn so much from Cosmo is my featured Post of the […]

  22. I love Cosmo, but the writers there are batshit crazy. I mean, maybe it’s a magazine like The Onion, where they’re just writing some fake, weird things. Sadly, I think the editors feel that they’re adding value to women’s lives.

    1. I know. All this obsession about what men want. Dave Barry once said “As long as we know you women are naked under your clothes, that’s all we need.” Bingo.

  23. That sex diet sounds fun, but it might spiral out of control fast. Next thing you know you’re a 80 pound nympho who orgasms at Burger King commercials.

    1. Haha! That Burger King king is pretty hot, I must admit.

  24. Mrs. Bumble sent me here (see Post of the Week above) and it did not disappoint!! Alice, your wonderland seems wonderful. Thanks for the laugh!

    1. You’re welcome. Thanks for the visit. You are welcome for tea anytime.

  25. First-time visitor via Bumble …. and oh my my … outstanding!

    1. Thanks. Bumble sent a lot of new people my way. Nice to meet you.

  26. Amy sent me. I’m glad she did.
    Thank you for a great read.

    1. Thanks for stopping by – any friends of Amy have to be pretty cool.

  27. For gawd’s sake, Cosmo never changes. I cannot believe people read this shite and what’s even scarier is young women reading it and taking it as truth. This was hilarious and seriously, there was fish picture? A fish picture?? Let’s just make all those women feel even more insecure because really that’s all women concern themselves with — their hoo-has, how to please a man and saying no to carbs. Geez.

    Great post!!

    1. That was the honest-to-God picture they used on the article. Associating baked fish with . . . nice. And yes, it’s all about men and how to get one or how to keep one or if he’s into you or not into you or into some girl at your office or . . .

  28. And to think this magazine is sold where children can read it!!!

    1. To think this magazine is sold where ANYONE can read it!

  29. You could totally write for Cosmo! If you got a lobotomy and gave a shit.
    Funny lady, you is. Funny. Funny. Funny. (not smelling)

    1. I’m glad I’m not funny smelling! Wait, I haven’t checked my hoo-ha yet. Nevermind. 😀 I think working at Cosmo would be a riot. We could dash off idiot articles in minutes and spend the rest of the time watching T.V.

  30. […] with.  I’ve always believed in a rule of thumb I learned long ago from Cosmo (yes, Alice, I know what you’re thinking, but when they stick to their areas of expertise, they can […]

  31. […] how she has the best taste (not in her mouth) and I think yeah, just wait till she eats asparagus (see Cosmo!)  The idiot brigade goes to “the most exclusive nightclub in Aspen” because who would go to the […]

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