50 Shades Flunked Lesson Thirteen

I thought about skipping this lesson because thirteen is unlucky, right?  Then I got concerned that maybe that would be the one chapter where James sneakily hid the plot and I would miss it.  So I read it.  Now I wish I’d skipped it.  And the rest of the book.

Yet class must go on!  You may be wondering about the answer to our last question: “In the next chapter A) Slutty realtor shows up and sluts up the place B) Kate is sadfaced because Christian’s brother doesn’t maul her like Christian does Ana C) Nothing happens or D) all of the above.  As usual, most of you completely missed the mark, but the absolute best at this was Twindaddy with this answer: “Where is E? Oompa Loompas come streaming out of Ana’s vagina like a clown car. And they are all wearing nose plugs.”  I laughed so hard Oompa Loompas came out of my nose.

Thank you for that image, twindaddy.

Thank you for that image, twindaddy.

But the time for laughter is over, cause we’re back to this shitty book.  If you recall, last chapter the Moron Brigade were all on their way to Aspen on Christian’s Bat Jet.  They get to Ana’s house (Zomg she owns a house in Aspen!  Who cares?) and Ana thinks, hey, they’re at a freaking ski lodge, maybe she could learn to ski.  But Christian gets madfaced and says “You might break your neck.” (RedFlag) I’m failing to see the problem here. Kate looks sadfaced and Ana thinks maybe it has to do with that psycho Jack Hyde, then she realizes that this place was designed by Slutty Realtor who had a fling with Christian’s brother (who just happens to be Kate’s boyfriend, keep up)!  Clearly a rival female is cause for much more alarm than a psycho murderer. (AnaFail)

Ana expresses her concern and Christian replies that his brother Elliot “has fucked most of Seattle.” Well, thank goodness.  I was afraid Kate was going to get away without 25 different kinds of venereal disease. (Facepalm) “Mainly women” Christian adds – as a joke.  Cause it’s funny, huh?  The idea that he could be gay.  Talk about a joke! (Double Facepalm)  They joke some more about how terrible it would have been if Christian were some gay freak, as opposed to a straight freak, and yes, James, we get it.  Gay people are funny.  Hee hee. (AliceRage)

Every character should really read this informative book.

Every character should really read this informative book.

Yes, that Christian is sure a prize.  Ana says, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for Cancer, and all three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”  Think about that for a moment.  Hang on a sec.  I’m going to smack my head against a door.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bannnnnnnnggggg!

Okay, I’m back.  That’s just such a perfect description for this guy.  He’s like winning the fucking lottery.  No, wait, he’s like better than a cure for Cancer, you know, that horrible disease that kills millions of people worldwide.  Or a magic lamp, where you could wish for a cure for Cancer, or for millions of dollars, or fuck, a Klondike bar.  He is better than all of this.  Yup.  Yup.  I’m just, not even, you know I just . . . moving on. (Big Freakin’ AnaFail)

Who would you do for a Klondike bar?

Who would you do for a Klondike bar?

Next up, something horrible happens.  An atom bomb falls and blows up the ski lodge!  Wait, that would be a good thing.  No, the horrible thing is rain.  That’s right.  It dared to rain and spoil their fun (Facepalm).   Fuck you, rain.  But all is not lost.  Mia decides that the girls can do girly stuff, which is shopping, while the boys can do boy stuff, which is fishing.  Just so you’ve got these sex roles straight here.

Well Ana and the girls go shopping and Ana spends enough money to get some pretty good research on that silly Cancer cure going on a dress that doesn’t cover her ass.  Zomg, it’s like so overpriced and poor Ana she has to spend all this money and gosh it makes her so uncomfortable! (AnaFail)  Afterward, Ana sees Elliot across the way and he is talking to Slutty Realtor which must mean they are dun dun dunnnnn having an affair!  Because they’re, like, talking!  I don’t care! (BoredNow)

No, I'm sad.  See.  A tear.  Totally sad.

This is me caring.

They get back to the lodge and Kate and Ana talk about “Cocktailgate” which is code for that time Christian acted like an asshole cause Ana went out for drinks with her friend.  And you know what?  I hear gate thrown on the end of one more word I’m just going to smack that person really, really hard.  Not everything is a gate.  Stop it.

Kate is sadfaced because Elliot is “distant”.  Again, not caring.  There’s more pages to this chapter.  Why?  Ana goes to the garage and blah blahs with Elliot until Christian gets back.  They decide to take a bath but not before sexy times but thank God she skips over it.  My head already hurts from the door.  So moving on . . . they’re taking a bath and Christian kisses her toes and man, I really thought I might make it through without vomiting this time!  They finish the bath and Ana tries on the dress and then, oh shit, not this again.  She emails Christian because he’s totally like two rooms away.

It's just not right.  Why?  Why????

It’s just not right. Why? Why????

Christian comes to check out the dress, and we get to the very best part, the part that makes her “Christian is better than a cure for Cancer” bit sound totes awesome.  Christian notes the edge of the dress is not far from her hoo-ha and just to make sure she gets it, he sticks his . . . hang on.  The door.  Then the toilet.

Thanks a lot, book.

Thanks a lot, book.

Bang, bang, bang, puuuuuuuke.

He sticks his finger up inside her and says “This is mine.”  And I just realized that the AliceScreams deduction, which takes 20 points off, is just not enough for this chapter.  I’m going with the (Ihatethisfuckingbookomghowcanheownhervaginathatsnotrightarghhhh) deduction which is 500 points off.  That’s right.  500 points.  Methinks James will once again fail this chapter.  Oh, but there’s still two more pages.

They all go out to dinner, blah blah, then Elliot asks Kate to marry him which I totally didn’t see coming at all and BAM the chapter is OVER Hallelujah Praise Jehovah and Pass the Buttplugs.

Final Score 100 -18 -500 =-518
Call PETA, Alice is abusing meeeee!

Call PETA, Alice is abusing meeeee!

pop quiz

In our next installment of This Fucking Book . . . you know, I think I’ll switch it up and ask a Math question.
If Christian’s peen is going 90 miles an hour and Ana’s hoo ha is going 50 miles per hour, how long until Alice has a mental breakdown?  Answer below!

50 responses

  1. Who cares ……. I don’t like math. Pass the sweet tea vodka. 🙂 Is there such a thing has 50 shades of delirious? My Monday just got better laughing at this. Thank you.

    1. I never understood those kinds of Math questions. I mean, if the trains are headed for each other, someone needs to stop the damn train, right? Not enough logic in math. 😀

      1. I’m the kid who circled “x” when the instructions said “find x.” Here it is! Found it! What do I do now?! Obviously, I did NOT inherit my father’s engineering capabilities!!!!!

        1. I LOVE this. I would not have been quick enough to be such a smartass on a test. Hahaha.

    2. My roommate introduced me to sweet tea vodka last year! Dangerous stuff…

    1. This goddamn book: an analysis of 50 Shades

  2. Depends on how quickly you read. I’m going with 90 seconds, max.

    1. You know what my favorite was? When his peen met with her hoo ha and he cried “Homerun!” That guy is a winner!

  3. Ana’s hoo-ha can’t go 50 miles per hour. She’s too stupid, she’s get lost on the way.

    The whole book I thought this Elliot-Kate thing would add some sort of value (ha, look at me being all optimistic) to the story. Something. Anything! Elliot would cheat on Kate, and everyone would be like ZOMG! Elliot would hit on Ana, because she’s sooo irresistible. Elliot would die and Kate would be sadfaced. Elliot would scheme with his ex to get all of Christipoos money. Something! But no, there was nothing.

    1. That couldn’t happen because it might take the plot away from Ana oh noooooos! Even though Kate and Elliot are better characters – not that this is saying much with this book.

  4. Let’s see, 90 mph x pi squared + 50 mph x -1400 to the 3rd power = Christian is a pig and Ana is a dumbass, so Alice’s head will explode in 3…2…1…

  5. No fair. That’s a trick question. Anna having a mental breakdown would insinuate that she has anything going on upstairs to begin with. As James has so often reminded us, the only thing Anna seems to have going on is “down there”. She’s so completely clueless and such an utter basket case, I’m not certain it is possible for her to have a mental breakdown. If her synapses actually started firing enough for that to happen she would carve Chistipoo’s heart out with a dirty butt-plug.

    1. Not Ana, Alice having the mental breakdown. I think Ana’s breakdown happened a long time ago when the voices entered and the synapses closed down for business.

  6. That is a totally trick, unfair question. You know perfectly well that none of these characters can count.

    1. Good point. Wait, I know they can count to six because that’s how many spankings he gave her with the belt and made her count while he was smacking her and I wish I didn’t remember that.

      1. I really think that you should stop reading these books. I mean, we all appreciate you reading them, so that we don’t have too. But just thinking about anyone reading them is revolting. Maybe you can take a poll of your readers, to see if you should just stop.

        1. I’m not sure if I could get the poll to function at this point. Too brain dead.

  7. I could only bring myself to read the first book. Reading these posts are so much better!

    1. I would highly advise sticking with the recaps. I read Speaker 7’s recaps and was all, I can do this. I was stupid.

  8. I’m so glad he is finally being clear that he owns her. He hadn’t done anything to show his dominance before. It looks like they’re finally communicating like a couple. And communication, is the first step right?

    1. Of course! They communicate so well – um, well Christian and one of Ana’s voices communicate okay. And I know he’s done it billions of times before, even the actual “Mine” comment (like a disturbed two-year-old) while grasping her nether regions, but this last time I just kinda snapped and said oh that’s it. 500 points.

  9. I suspect the answer is that you had a mental breakdown about 2.4 books ago, my lovely.

    On the other hand, it would be quite interesting to see what would happen if a penis travelling at 90mph in one direction was crashed into a vagina travelling at 50 mph in the other! According to physics, the forces involved would be the same as if one of the objects was travelling at 140 mph and the other was stationary.

    I expect it would be quite messy, and is probably an aspect of “BDSM” that James hasn’t thought of!

    1. Maybe if they both got on trapeze they could do it. At this point, it’s not like this would be weird for them.

      1. They’d just need to set up a couple of high-speed trains on the same track. Although it would mean that Christipoo would also have to be tied down, so maybe one high speed train and he’s the one standing still while Ana’s tied to the train.

        I think I should be worried about how I’m actually thinking about this and working out how it could be possible. I really need to step away from the computer. Only it’s another hour and a half before I can go get tea and cake. I’ll just have to resort to crochet.

        1. I’d be worried about the things you might crochet. 😀

          1. In the run up to Christmas, there was a Christmas Fayre in the Centre and I was crocheting these little angels for the Sisters to sell on the stall we had. Only problem was making their heads out of a pink yarn. The first two rows were fine, but by the time I was on the 5th row, every single one looked like I was trying to crochet a willy warmer. And I could not get that image out of my head. I’m personally blaming my mother, because I know if she’d seen the creations at that point, she totally would have thought that that’s what I was making.

            I’m currently doing a baby blanket and there’s no way that it could be construed into anything untoward, unless perhaps you were thinking of doing something for the Cerne Abbas Giant! Maybe that’s where Christipoo gets his insecurities from? He saw that when small and thought “I’ll never be that well endowed, so I’ll beat up my women because it’ll be their fault” or some such psychobabble!

          2. Willy warmers. That’s great. I bet there’s a real need for those!

          3. In some parts of the world, I’m sure there are, yes. But I don’t think there’s much call for them in a female religious communtiy, for some strange reason that I can’t quite put my finger on… 😉

          4. I’m sure they would frown on you putting your finger on it. Frankly, I don’t have much desire to do that with my actual husband. I might consider the willy warmer as a possible stocking stuffer next year.

          5. I’m suddenly reminded of a story that another online friend of mine told about a company where he once worked, where a (male) junior member of staff would disappear into a stock room/cupboard type thing and utilise a sock for masturbation purposes. The same sock. For a number of months. It wasn’t ever taken to be laundered. When this young lad left, he didn’t take his sock with him…

            I suspect this boy, however, had a better relationship with his sock than that featured in the 50 Shades books!

          6. Hahaha! That is definitely a better love story than Christipoo and Ana.

          7. Although not for the person who found the sock after the boy had left!

            As an FYI: my mum, when I saw her the other week, complained about 50 Shades. She’d bought all 3 to take on holiday as her holiday reading, and only read the first one because of how rubbish they are. She couldn’t see the whole abusive thing but was put off completely by the poor writing.

          8. That’s what gets me. The horrible writing is so bad it can almost obscure the the other horrible messages. Yet people say it is the best book they’ve ever read? I think it’s the only book they’ve ever read.

          9. They might have read such literary giants as “the cat in the hat” and similar…

  10. Let’s try Christipoo’s peen tied to the tracks while a train is traveling toward him at 90 mph and Ana’s hoo-haa is tied to the front of the train. Then we all run in the bathroom at 50 mph and hurl.

    1. Soul Survivor, you are my kind of people. I think you got the answer!

      1. Do I get a Kewpie doll?

        1. Probably a Barbie would be better. Their design was based on dirty novelty dolls for men. 😀

          1. I hate Barbie. She doesn’t have a hoo-haa.

          2. True – at least Kewpies can pee.

          3. Can, and DO! (Uh, what’s that warm sensation in my lap–HEY you little bugger, why couldn’t you wait till I had your diaper on you????)

  11. Well, obviously there’s some negative numbers hidden in that equation, so when I plug it in…

    Ooph, you had a breakdown -3 books ago!

    1. Yeah, I think Breaking Dawn broke my brain before I could begin the Shades!

  12. 90 divided by 50=they had sex for 1.2 minutes and then emailed about it for 3 chapters.

    1. I spat out my water at that one. That is EXACTLY what they would do.

  13. How the fuck did I miss this chapter. Firstly I need to hide because I call the disgustingness of Tampon Sexy Times in book one “Tampongate”. Sorry Alice.

    As for 90 divided by 50 ad nauseum… I’m rubbish at maths. I will need a physical demonstration, preferably with dynamite attached.

    1. Tampongate may be the exception. It is shorter than OMG what the hell was she thinking I can’t erase this my eyes my eyesssssssssssssss!

      Fortunately, no one ever gets the answers right, if they even have right answers, so you’re safe here.

      1. “Tampongate”? No, really, I don’t want to know, but it’s like a train crash. You can’t stop looking…

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