Adventures at the Gym

I think I mentioned something about adventures at the gym last time.  I’m not actually that adventurous there.  I rode on the exercise bike a few minutes once, but couldn’t figure out how to adjust anything so had no idea how far I’d pretend biked.  I might have been going backwards.  I’m not sure if your calories are subtracted that way or added back on.

They offer exercise classes at this gym.  I tried a Zumba class once.  I thought it sounded like fun.  Yay, a little light dancing.  I am an idiot.  Our teacher arrived.  She wasn’t any skinny mini, so I thought, cool, she’s not going to kill us.  I failed to realize that you can be a little chunky and still have the energy of a cocker spaniel.  She led us in a lot of dance moves involving hip shaking or Zumba-ing.  It was not so bad at first.  The music was nice and upbeat.  I was breaking a decent sweat.  15 minutes passed.  So far so good.  She’s going to stop any second now.  25 minutes.  Okay, so she’s going to go a half hour.  I can do this.

Zumba is FUN.

Zumba is FUN.

35 minutes.  Wait a second, she has still not stopped.  What the hell does she think she’s doing?  Did I accidentally enter Amazon boot camp?  What are those little dots whooshing through the air?  Am I seeing flying elves?  I really think we should stop. 45 minutes.  You know how they say when you die you see your life pass before your eyes?  I saw mine and it wasn’t very exciting.  50 minutes and all that water that used to be inside my body had materialized outside my body in drops of delightful sweat.  Finally we hit 60 minutes and she stopped and I somehow kept from collapsing right on the ground.  Had I done so, I probably would have been there the entire weekend.  No more Zumba-ing for me, at least not with Wonder Woman there.

I went back to the treadmill, which really is the safest thing.  Some people get bored on the treadmill because you walk and walk and never get anywhere.  Story of my life, people.  The great thing about the treadmill is that you don’t have to be outdoors with nature.  Nature hates me and makes me sick what with the trees and the grass and the pollen and the air and crap.  And let’s not forget all those natural dangers like dogs, cars, and sudden drops in the pavement.  None of that with the treadmill.  Just easy going walk, walk, walking while I listen to “Gangham Style” and other high brow musical selections.

Well it was easy going, anyway.  Until last week when more people showed up at the gym than I was used to and just messed everything up.  People.  Oh, well, I could go to the treadmill on the far side of the room.  I did and everything was walky paradise until, crap, some lady gets on the treadmill right beside mine.  Really?  Did she not understand the concept of space bubble?  No matter, I can ignore her with my “U Can’t Touch This”. Take me away, Hammer!  This works for a while until this lady, apparently related to the Zumba Amazon, decides up the speed as fast as it can go and, good Lord, run on the treadmill.

Pro: Gym has equipmentCon: Gym has people

Pro: Gym has equipment
Con: Gym has people

Thump, thump, thump, THUMP!  My treadmill starts to shake in response to hers.  Oh, goody, now it can be like I’m walking on a sailing ship.  Just what I always wanted.  I look at her out of the corner of my eye and do my best Jedi impression.  “You want to leave the gym and look into another form of exercise.” I think at her.  I think this really hard.  It has no effect.  I am tempted to tell her that, hey, my ovaries are just as big as hers are.  I’m just taking it slow here.  Oh, and lady, did you know that you are destroying the cartilage in your knees right now?  Working on that knee replacement, eh?  Lady?

She finally slows down and starts walking again.  Good.  Then she has enough of a break and starts running from an unseen force of evil, I guess.  It’s like one of those horror films.  Lady, you are never going to get away from the monster like this unless he too is running on a treadmill.  I will say this is the first woman I’ve seen be so fanatical about her training.  I see men doing it all the time, and I, once again, am often tempted to tell them I am very sorry about their personal equipment and how it isn’t up to snuff.  Thankfully, these thoughts remain in my head and thus I remain breathing.

Honestly, I don’t really care if you run on a treadmill or lift weights and drop them from 20 feet over and over again so that you can make that big loud bang like toddlers with their Lincoln logs. I just want you to please do it far away from me, thanks.  But that’s the problem with gyms.  Other people.  Which is why I decided it would be good to get my own in home equipment.  This should be interesting.  More next week.  For now, learn from Goofy, an expert at the gym.

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77 responses

  1. That Goofy cartoon absolutely made my day. I love it. Thank you!

    1. Hard to believe that was made in 1949. Still just as hilarious!

      1. And brings back so many memories for me. I used to watch those growing up, you know, back when the Disney channel was a pay channel and good? I miss seeing those cartoons so much!

        1. So do I! My parents got that for us when I was small and I loved it. All the cool cartoons – they even did some to music – DTV. Now it’s all that teeny bopper crap. Barf.

  2. Awwwww lol! This is hilarious! Reminds me of one time when I hit the gym with le fiance and this yoga-beach jogger-model chick hops onto the treadmill next to him and starts doing this weird competition running thing. Like every time he goes a notch faster she’s going a teeny bit faster, and I’m on the yoga mat in front scowling like she yanked my kitten’s tail. Said mock race went on for a while till le fiance tooka breather and I popped over to kiss his cheek. Effective immediately she got off and went over to the verti lift things where the jocks live. Grrrrr…

    1. Haha! I totally would have wanted to trip her. Let’s see how fast you can go now!

  3. This is why I own a thighmaster and an ab roller and the Hip Hop Abs series and whatever other excercise equipment is hawked on infomercials. Gyms make me itch.

    1. Do you have a shake weight? I so want one of those.

  4. I like the treadmill. Simulated walking is the best. I think I’ve seen that lady before. She ran a 1000 miles an hour for about twenty minutes, stopped, started lifting crazy heavy weights, and then went on to super fast sit ups! I felt so insecure, I never went back to the gym.

    1. Yeah. They should have a “Normal People Only” gym where us normies can go and work out. What are those fit people doing there?

  5. LOL! I totally know this feeling. I work at a College, and we have a very nice gym on campus that we can go to for free. The only problem is all these little, tiny girls (sorry – young women) running like crazy right next to me. I felt so stupid just walking next to them, that I now just walk outside. I am definitely not a runner, even though I have tried to be. Thankfully we have lots of trails to walk on where there are no threats of dogs or cats or whatever else. Sometimes I do come upon people riding their horses on the trails, so you do have to look out of poopy piles 🙂

    The Zumba thing – we have that here too, and I went a few times and stayed in the back. Again, I felt stupid! Then I got bored and didn’t go back. The only thing I liked (and was really good at) was kickboxing. Soooooo much fun! But that teacher got preggers and no one took it over 😦 So, a walking I will go! No annoying people, and I can go at my own pace!

    1. Here’s something to make you feel even better. At the university where I work, the freshmen have to use our “ancient” microfilm machines to look up their birthdays. In, gulp, 1995 this year. Arghhhh!

  6. I’m one of the crazies on the treadmill, I run like my life depended on it, however, to my defense I always look for the treadmill that nobody uses, I hate people peeking at how fast I’m going or how long, they usually say “Wow, you’ve been there for 120 minutes, how long you planning to run?” You think I can talk? I can barely breath so stop talking to me.
    I don’t like gyms, I don’t like having to say hi just because I saw you the day before, I don’t like to pretend I’m friendly.
    Ohh lord I hate weightlifting and the typical guy that keeps staring and worshipping himself on the mirror, because that’s the one who then walks naked in the looker rooms “showing off” his body.

    1. So YOU were the one whose equipment I questioned. So sorry. I don’t like talking to people while exercising. Or eating in the lounge. Leave me alone. And ew, walking naked? I don’t care how ripped the guy is, I don’t want to see him naked. My husband is enough, thanks.

      1. Guys aren’t the only ones to do that – once I went to the locker room to get changed and a female professor was in there, and just walked out buck-ass naked! Sooooooo uncomfortable! Especially when she started talking to me!

        1. Haha! I love it. Hey, how’s the weather? Well, judging by your bosoms, I’d say it’s quite cold, dear. Yikes.

          One guy friend told me he was talking to an attractive woman at church who was nursing. The kid stopped, and her breast was just hanging out there. She did nothing to cover up. So he’s all, um, ur, don’t react, don’t notice the boobs!

  7. Oh god I hate the dreadmill. I had to stop using it because I fractured my foot (true story) So now I use something with less impact–a bike. Did you know that you can pedal as hard and as fast as you can, for almost an hour and still only burn the same amount of calories you get from inhaling a donut? I hate that bike with a passion.

    1. I have one of those now too – I manged to pull both thigh muscles. PAIN. I’ll prob talk about it next week. Exercise is FUN with a big FU.

  8. Two words…Wii Fit. Totally the most fun exercising ever. Hula-Hoop…hello abs. Boxing…hello arms. Skateboarding…hello hot buns.

    1. Wii Fit? I thought about getting one of those, and I then I heard that the scale insults you. I didn’t want the scale to insult me.

      1. It does make your character’s size according to the measurements you enter and it takes your weight for you, but it adapts as you lose weight, so there’s some motivation in the insult. It also has goals you can set and tracks your progress and how much time you are putting in to it.

        1. Hmm. I worried about my kids getting on it – my daughter is 12. Hate for it to tell her she’s fat. But there might be some merit for me, maybe. So it really works well? I do have a wii.

          1. I think it’s the most fun kind of exercise. I found some activities I really liked and I stuck with them. I liked the hula-hoop because it was easier than sit ups and I found myself wanted to try to beat my best score. I also liked the boxing and I wanted to try to beat my best score. Plus you can “compete” against each other and see who can do more hulas or faster races. It’s true the wii has no feelings, but it doesn’t ever call you a fattie. You can tell it your kids are taller than they are and the character’s size will adjust to something easier for them to handle.

          2. The “Just Dance” game for Wii is a CRAZY workout too! When I played it while babysitting I was sweating after the first couple songs!

          3. We have three of those games. Also this dorky one called We Cheer – it’s sadly addicting, lol.

          4. oooo – is We Cheer cheerleading??

          5. Yes! There are these little anime like cheerleaders! The remotes are your “pomp pomps”.

  9. People piss me off. I don’t like them either.

  10. You can always try meditating and visualize exercising. Athletes do it to improve their game. I’m sure it will do you some good. ; )

    1. Hey, I just visualized a complete workout. Wow, I’m bushed. Time for a snack!

      1. You’re a fast study!

  11. You had me in stitches with this one. From “I might have been going backwards. I’m not sure if your calories are subtracted that way or added back on.” to “I failed to realize that you can be a little chunky and still have the energy of a cocker spaniel.”—Great stuff!

    And you have now touched on some of the reasons why I work out to exercise DVDs in the privacy of my own home.

    Keep up the good work, Sexy Librarian! Your body appreciates it. 🙂

    1. Thanks! I have some of those DVDs too – actually one is an ancient VHS tape. I could do a post just on those things alone. 😀

  12. Thank you for bringing some sunshine to my day 🙂

    1. Your comment did the same for me!

  13. Hehe – sounds very familiar. I remember my first sessions at the gym – gasping for life after a 5 min jog on the treadmill – then trying to make sure every eye was averted before lifting the 5gram weight!
    To be tediously encouraging – it gets easier very quickly, and it was a vital part of my fight against depression. After 6 months I could run 10 miles and then go play badminton!! Raaaa! It feels amazing! (of course my job has run me to flab again! Bastards!)

    1. I have been told that exercise helps with depression too – it’s just getting over the stuff enough to get to the exercising part. Also, not overdoing it and messing up your muscles. And it has helped me some. I don’t think I’ll be running 10 miles though. Unless there is a rabid Panda after me.

      My job too. Desk. Computer. Why?

  14. I’m so with you on this! Why do people have to drop the weights down and rock the floor? Why do they have to get right in the space I want to? Why do they steal my bench when I get up? And those classes, well at least you’ve gone. I tend to go in, do my thing and then plug into the treadmill. I thought I was a “people” person but when I go the gym, I go for a reason and it’s not to talk or be social. This was funny and I can so identify!

    1. Thanks. Yeah, I’m the same way. I’m fine with people in certain instances, but if I’m at the gym, I want to exercise. If I’m eating, unless I purposely go out with a friend, I want people to leave me alone!

  15. I use to work at a gym. WORK, not WORK OUT. (I work out… Sexy and I know it…. ok I couldn’t resist that one.) Watching the people that are very “serious” about their work outs was the highlight. I’d open the gym up each weekday morning at 6, the time it opens. There would be a line around the building at 530am when I got there. Crazy people. It was like a herd of elephants running through there as I open the doors.

    1. Haha, I love that song, even more so because it drives my 12 year old nuts. Have you seen in synched to He-Man cartoons? Hilarious. And I love the bit about the elephants running into the gym.

      1. I’ll have to look that video up. Will definitely be a pick me up needed today. And it really was. I’d have to quickly unlock the doors, then manage to run behind the desk to check them in. My favorite is the banging on the doors 20 minutes before I have to open. Lol.

        1. Oh, man, when I worked at the public library people used to do that. It was the computer users. They’d see us and bang on the door. Like, uh, not open yet!

          1. I’m a bit cheeky. I’d wave to them. Then point to the clock. Walk around, make sure everything is turned on, then come back wave again, and read my book until it was time to open.

          2. I did the same thing. Snort.

          3. Can’t help who we are. Cheeky is just how Alice is!

          4. Why is WP telling me I have comments from myself when I reply to comments arghhhh!

          5. Haha. I’m getting the same thing. Been going on all day.

  16. Whenever I use the machines at the gym I figure everybody is looking at me and JUDGING while I struggle to figure out the buttons. I almost always choose the ones that are out of order, but don’t have a sign. I use the treadmill because I figured out the “QuickStart.”

    Also my husband and I keep talking about how we should try out dancing for a date nite, and then he always says, we should try Zumba. Thank you for confirming how nutty that is.

    1. I hit QuickStart too! I’m not sure what any of those other buttons mean.

  17. I use a stationary bike at home — it’s boring, but every time I think about joining a gym, I come up with some random lame excuse not to (my current one: I have no idea what to wear. At home I wear all the clothes that are too ratty, torn, or stained to give away).

    1. I have a stationary bike now too – it’s semi-recumbent so it leans back some and has a cushy seat. My tushy likes cushy, so I stay on it longer. It’s nice to pedal while watching T.V.

      1. I just thought, to motivate yourself, you could get a TV that’s powered by the exercise bike…

        Or maybe not.

          1. Yes, exactly like the Flintstones.

            Did you know that it was in the Flintstones that a married couple were first seen on TV in bed together? All other shows before then had featured twin beds, or just avoided bedroom scenes, apparently.

          2. I think I remember that. Also a funny: How did Pebbles come to be? Bam-Bam!

          3. Wonderful! However I don’t think I could share that one with the Sisters.

  18. I get annoyed when people drop the weights loudly, no matter how far away they are. I haven’t tried any of the classes yet. I watch them from the elliptical machines and know that there’s no way I could keep up with them. I prefer the elliptical to the treadmill because of the lower impact. Plus, I can use my arms or not use my arms…depends on how I feel that day. I get so involved in the music from my iPhone, though, that I seldom notice people around me. Unless they haven’t showered in, like, a week. Or they drop the 200 pound weights from four feet up.

    1. Why didn’t I look through the window first??? I bought an exercise bike. It’s a semi-recumbent model, which means you sit back farther and it has a comfy seat. I will tell about it later. I like it better than those at the gym.

      But yes! The bang, bang of the weights is so annoying. If I’m on the treadmill, my back is facing them, and I’m jumpy anyway, so I’m often rattled out of my skin.

  19. my ovaries are just as big as hers ……. EPIC!!!!!

    1. Ovaries are better than balls, and much more powerful. 😀

  20. We have a treadmill at home – it’s SO nice having it at home! Since it’s so available it’s hard to not use it/you can play whatever music/tv you want with no fear of judgment! Also: you can wear less clothes when it’s warm! YES!

    1. You and the naked blog goddess! Better remember to clean the equipment each time. 😀

      1. I thought sweat was a natural cleaner…

        1. Like spit! Don’t spit on the equipment.

  21. I hate the gym, for exactly that reason. And queing to be humiliated like that, because the time of day I can actually go to gym, is exactly the time that the rest of the city goes as well. The worst for me are those fully made up ladies in their teeny weeny exercise outfits and perfect hair, running or doing the step thing for hours! Without breaking a sweat, or those gentle sweats where she can gently tap her forehead with a cloth, while I am looking like a tomatoe that is being squeezed and will pop any minute. Good luck with the home exercise!

    1. I totally get the image of the tomato being squeezed! I wonder about the girls that can do the step thing for hours. Do they not have hobbies? And the makeup thing – I was in a PE class in college, and half the girls would come fully made up – to swim. By the end they would be raccoon eyes. Morons.

      1. I bet if you check their CVs, they would list ‘going to gym’ as a hobby! If they can rub two brain cells together to compile a CV…:-)

  22. I went to the gym with a friend on a few occasions. It wasn’t fun because she got rather competitive and she also had more stamina than me. I think it’s less stressful to just go for a walk on the same route and time how long it takes you each time you do the route, because that way you don’t have to deal with someone being all sporty next to you.

    In other words, yes, I agree, the problem with the gym is other people.

    1. It is nice to walk out in the sunshine when I’m fully stocked on Zyrtec.

  23. Ohmigosh Zumba I completely understand your pain. My mom decided that we were all going to try it one day. And so, she bought the huge ass DVD set and made us dance to it one day. I wasn’t terribly horrible at it, but we didn’t notice we started at the intensive one hour workout and by the end of it, I was a puddle on my couch! Running is definitely more my style.

    1. Shake, shake, shake, shake, faint! I can’t run either, though. Walking is good, and safest for me. 😀

  24. […] Adventures at the Gym (aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com) […]

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