Monthly Archives: January, 2013

Up Front and Alice

I thought I should share a bit of honesty with you, my old familiar fab peeps and you my new peeps and why did people start calling friends peeps?  Was it a chicken thing?  I need to check out how that slang got started sometime.

I have been struggling for a while with Sad Pony Syndrome.  Some people know this as Depression, but that sounds too Debbie Downer to me.  This is a humor blog, and generally humor is the best way to deal with this crap.  But some times are harder than others.

I'm hanging with the pony.

I’m hanging with the pony.

I have no reason to be down, which is a frustrating thing.  Now if someone stole my identity and had like way better vacations than I do, that would be sad.  Or if a big dog ate my cat, that would be sad.  Especially if I had a cat.  And of course the saddest thing I can think of is being a contestant on the Bachelor.  Thank goodness I turned down that invite.

Yet here it is, and it doesn’t have to make sense, it just is.  Anyway, I’m not changing this blog to the Alice is Sadfaced Blog.  But I think I’m going to make a few changes to make this easier on me.  One thing is to change up my 50 Shades recap contest.  Oh, I’m still going to recap it.  I’m on the last book, and it is so not going to defeat me!  Or something.  But turns out it takes a while for me to count up comments and figure out who is Valedictorian (for all you new people, yes I did this.  I’m weird.)  Also I think everyone should win.  I’m a big weenie that way.  Participation medals all around!

So I’m going to change that part. I’m not adding up points for comments and taking Roll Call.  Oh, I will still give pop quizzes – that’s too much fun to pass up.  And I will continue to highlight my favorite comments because you guys crack me up.  I would advise anyone to read my comments section if nothing else.  These are really funny people.  Not quite right in the head maybe, since they’re here reading, but very cool nonetheless.

And I’m going to keep doing the Wednesday “Make a Smaller Alice” posts because it turns out eating better and exercising do help with the sad.  I know, it flipping annoyed me too.  So that will stay.  Not sure what else.  I feel an utter lack of creativity sometimes, like a headache with no pain, just cotton stuffed in my head.  Perhaps I will be all up tomorrow and have a flash of awesome ideas that just come spilling out of me.  That’s kind of gross imagery.  Or maybe not.

Anyhoo, that was possibly a lot of TL; DR but I thought I’d throw it out there.  I’m hanging in there, and I encourage anyone else who is dealing with similar stuff to do the same.  You can hang out here anytime, or visit the Canvas of the Minds.  I’ve done a few posts over there, but there are tons of other great blog authors posting on all sorts of mental health issues.  If you’re lost in the bad side of Wonderland, I encourage you to check that blog out as well.

Thanks as always for being awesome,

Alice

I lose five pounds every morning . . .

When I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response.  Obviously the WP editor knew what she was doing – this is a topic that most people deal with at some point.  Except those teeny, tiny people who have to “struggle” to reach 100 pounds when they are pregnant.  I knew a woman like this.  Luckily for her, she was honestly a very sweet lady, otherwise she might have ended up a teeny, tiny pancake.

Anyway, this was a good and bad thing.  Good in that, hey, look at all the cool people who showed up and took the time to leave interesting and thoughtful comments.  Bad in that, oh crap, now I have to actually stick with this?  Well, maybe not that bad.  I mean, losing weight is a good thing, unless you’re anorexic, then stop, please. The messages we send people, especially women, about weight are just so wrong, but that’s another issue entirely.

Because I do actually need to lose a little.  I’m practical about it.  I know I’m never going to be the size I was before having the Things.  Growing people inside your body shockingly seems to be a real body changer.  I mean, who knew, right?  Even if you do get back in perfect shape, you’ve got all that leftover skin just hangin’ out there.  People like to call them “muffin tops” cause the skin pops out over your jeans like a . . . muffins sound good.  Really good.  Wait.  Here’s an awesome video to take your mind off of muffins.  Especially chocolate ones.

Anyway, part of my quest involves me weighing myself.  I try to avoid this in the same way I try to avoid checking my bank account balance.  It doesn’t change the balance, but you don’t have to feel all sadfaced that way.  But Superbetter says you should weigh yourself.  Bite me, Superbetter.

So I got a scale with a digital readout, because it turns out I couldn’t read the other dusty scale I had without my glasses on and good grief I’m old.  This digital scale is so awesome; it measures even tenths of a pound.  This turns out to be not such a good thing, as I’m trying anything to shave off even bits of pound.  Like weighing myself with as few clothes as possible, first thing in the morning, after bathroom activities.  That’s what Superbetter tells you to do, so that you don’t get all those weird weight fluctuations.

And if you’ve ever weighed yourself throughout the day (as I stupidly did because I am somewhat OCD) you understand why.  It turns out that you can gain and lose as much as five freaking pounds over the course of a day, what with drinking, eating, going potty, eating some more, storing up gas like the Hindenburg, etc.  What the heck is with that?  As if I’m not confused enough?

Anyway, I said my Epic Win was to lose five pounds.  If I wanted to, I could technically say I do that every single day.  First thing in the morning.  The problem is that I lose the same five pounds every single day and then gain them back by nightfall.  Which means I’m pretty much back where I started.  Every single day.  Does this sound familiar?

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

On the plus side, at least I haven’t gained any weight.  I don’t think.  Another thing you are supposed to do is record your weight, but I forget to record the number and then I forget exactly what it was later.  If I’m losing .005 pounds, then I want Superbetter to know this, darn it, because I deserve a Pokemon Power Up.

Yet this blog requires honesty.  No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I could make crap up and none of you would ever know.  It’s not like I’m showing you body shots.  But what would be the point of lying?  So I’m being up front here.  I have made some changes.  I bought food with more fiber in it, and sometimes I remember to eat it.  I haven’t totally shaken the sugary cola thing, but I don’t drink as much of it.  I mostly try to drink diet, which they say increases your sugar cravings, but I’m not sure how I would tell this as I am a sugar fiend anyway.  I don’t like diet as much, therefore, there isn’t as much soda consumption.  I’m trying to increase the amount of water I drink.  If it’s cold, it’s not so bad.

I am walking more, or at least being more mindful about it.  I take the stairs, not the elevator.  I work on the second floor of a university library, which means I must trudge up stairs and across a very large floor to get to my office.  The bathroom happens to be on the other side of this floor, or, if I wish, I can trudge down stairs to go to the staff only restroom.  Either way, I’m getting pee exercise.  I have to do this a lot (see babies change your body above) so yay, exercise.  No more elevator unless I’m truly desperate.  It helps that my boss got trapped in this elevator for over an hour one day.  Seriously.

I haven’t made it to the gym in months.  But I’m thinking about it.  And it turns out that thinking is pretty important because thinking can lead to doing, at least better than not thinking about it can.  For some reason this reminds me of a Yoda quote.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.

I’m trying, which hopefully will lead to doing.  This is a slow process, a quest that takes me inch by inch.  But I’m not “doing not” which means eventually, with some work, I will do.  I hope you all will stay along for the journey.

Powertools Are My Friends

It’s an oldie but a goodie (I think?) from last year. This is called recycling, folks – it’s a good thing. Anyhoo, tomorrow I’ll be back with updates on my Epic Quest, but today I give you Bob the Builder and Handy Manny. Whee!

aliceatwonderland

I know that men can become attached to their tools and machines.  When you start having conversations with your equipment, though, you might have a bit of a problem.  Next up: two children’s shows feature talking tools and machines.  (What is it with these talking inanimate object shows?  Are there not enough animate objects to make shows about?  Like, say, giant mutant dogs?  Nevermind.)  Our first contestant is:
 
Bob the Builder
                Bob is a likable enough guy.  He is a builder – hence the name of the show.  But he doesn’t do the job alone.  He also works with Wendy (they’re just friends) and a lot of different vroom-vroom machines, making him a natural favorite for boys.  These machines of his, though, are not ordinary machines.  They are living machines, which technically means they are both Bob’s equipment AND employees.  I’m not sure how you would figure out…

View original post 960 more words

So you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole . . .

Hi, ho, it’s Kermit the Frog.  I mean Alice.  Sorry to disappoint.  I wanted to welcome all my new readers.  Hey.  Come back!  Where are you going?  There is some great stuff here, if I can just dig it out.  Wait, that’s a gum wrapper.  Hold on a sec.

When I found out I had gotten Freshly Pressed, I realized that my blog was a mess, so I did what I normally do when someone unexpected visits my house.  I shoved everything into closets.  See those categories on the right?  Closets.  There’s stuff in there, but I haven’t the faintest idea what.  There’s also categories up above.  I’m pretty sure you can find more about my somewhat unhealthy obsession with 50 Shades of Crap up there.  If you dare.  If you’re even more daring, you can look under the Children’s T.V. reviews, but I warn you.  Dora and Bob the Builder are there, and even worse, that scary freaking Cyclops cucumber from Yo Gabba Gabba.  Yeah, that’s a show.

The Village Monstersof Yo Gabba Gabba

The Village Monsters
of Yo Gabba Gabba

I have another closet entitled “My Mad Tea Party”.  That one’s safe.  I shoved all my friends and their blogs in there.  Check them out.  I’m certain I’ve left some off because I have ADHD which makes me

Anyway, you can also try checking the comments.  Anyone brave enough to comment here is worth checking out.  Also, anyone who comments is automatically enrolled in Smut University, where I am the one and only professor.  My class is 50 Shades Flunked, and we’re covering 50 Shades Freed.  I am fully qualified to teach because I have multiple degrees (no, seriously, I do).  The way to get ahead here is to comment (i.e. participation).  You can also try answering my questions, but your answers don’t actually have to be correct or anything.  There are many other students, though some of them may not realize they’re enrolled.  So like a real university, pretty much.

My students are a varied bunch.

My students are a varied bunch.

Usually my classes are on Mondays, but I’m a bit behind with the pressing business.  Also this real life of mine has been endlessly entertaining what with my husband getting pneumonia (making this 3 out of 4 family members who’ve had it), my mother having knee replacement surgery, and our plumbing exploding.  And I have a job, but don’t worry, I rarely let that get in the way.

I do plan on getting my lesson plans done as soon as possible.  Meaning as soon as I can stomach another chapter of the Dumb and the Brainless.  There’s a new feature I have planned as well, thanks to the success of my Epic Quest post.  I’m going to post on my weight loss quest on Wednesdays, since that’s the day you get over the hump (supposedly).  As far as other posts, I’m not sure.  I did ask for audience participation, which means you are free to suggest crap for me to cover.  Clearly I will do almost anything here.

In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.

In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.

I know there’s something I’m forgetting . . . oh, yes, Sad Pony and Squirrel.  You might be curious about those two.  You might be tempted to think they are just pictures of animals and not real but DON’T.  Ponies and Squirrels are very real, thanks very much.  I’m sure you’ve seen them.  Sad Pony is just another pony, only he’s sort of depressed.  Especially since people keep mistaking him for Eeyore, who is a depressed donkey, not a pony.  And Squirrel is somewhat hyper.  You’ve probably seen him racing across telephone wires on his way to another Squirrel kegger party up in your attic.

See.  He's a real pony.  Shun the disbelievers!

See. He’s a real pony. Shun the nonbelievers!

I'm up in your attic right now.

I’m up in your attic right now.

I guess that about covers it.  Well, it covers what I can think of at the moment.  Stay tuned, it will be interesting.  Or something.

Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Three

Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon.  This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys.  We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie.  The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella.  It was touching.  Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness.  Enjoy.
Yeah, Bella, I gave up shirts for Lent.

Yeah, Bella, I gave up shirts for Lent.

Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window.  Bella looks down.

T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!

Bella touches his naked abs.

T2: You’re so . . . abby.

Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.

T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.

Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.

(Bella has a dream with a wolf.  Hmmmm.)

(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy.  Good one!  Other shirtless guys show up.)

T1: It’s the shirtless crew!

(Bella smacks one.  It turns into freaking huge lame wolf.  Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)

(Wolves fight.)

T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.

(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob.  Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)

T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it.  Okay, introductions.  This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .

We are here only for educational value.

We are here only for educational value.

(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)

T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.

Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?

Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice.  I was born this way.

Me: I see what you did there, movie!

T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys.  He could chop off their heads.

(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)

T1: This music isn’t making it any better.

T2: Sounds like Wii music.

(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up.  About TIME.  Bella decides to go out into the forest.  Good one, Bella.)

All of us: Go, Victoria!

Victoria: I hate this movie.

Victoria: I hate this movie.

(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)

Me: She’s not a very good vampire.

(Bella stands on the cliff.  Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)

Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!

(Bella jumps off the cliff.  I guess that saying is true.)

(Bella surfaces.)

Girls: Boooo!

(She falls back under.  She starts drowning.)

Girls: Yayyyy!

(Edward hallucination shows up.)

All of us: Eeeeeek!

(Jacob rescues Bella.)

Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.

Bella's not dead. She's just bored.  Like us.

Bella’s not dead. She’s just bored. Like us.

Jacob: What were you thinking?

T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.

T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.

(Bella snuggles with Jacob.  I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)

Bella: You’re so warm.

T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!

T1: He reminds me of our cousin.  Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.

(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)

T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!

T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!

T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!

(Jacob starts to kiss Bella.  T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)

T1: You’re cheating on Edward.  Then again, who wouldn’t?

(Bella sees the Cullen’s car.  Oooh, they’re back!)

T1: It’s a trap!

T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.

(Alice is there.  Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)

Alice: You’re alive?  Why would you try to kill yourself?

Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving.  (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)

T1: LIE.

T2: Lie, lie, lie.  Pathetic.

T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?

T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.

T2: Only for the fans.

Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?

Bella: It’s Jacob.  He’s kind of a werewolf.

Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.

Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.

(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)

T1: Awww, BARF.

Alice: Let the dog out.

Me: Niiiiice.

(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)

T1: Stop that.  We’re trying to review a crappy movie.

T2: I’m baby cooookie!

T1: Stop ittt!  Wait, what’s going on?

Me: Nothing.

(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss.  Jacob answers.)

“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”

(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)

T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.

Alice: He thinks you’ve done it!  He’s going to the Volturi.  He wants to kill himself too.

Bella, I had a vision of a really lame plot twist!

Bella, I had a vision of a really lame plot twist!

T1: Oh, good grief.

(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)

T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did.  Stupid.  Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.

(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)

Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”

T1: What gifts?

(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)

Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.

T1: And sparkle.

Me: Alice keeps having these visions.  Why didn’t she earlier?

T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.

Me: Con-ven-ient.

(Gobs of people in Italy.  So they, like, drove to Italy?  There are tons of red cloaks around.  Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)

T1: Is this red day?

T2: It’s fifty shades of red!

(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks.  His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)

T1: That’s disgusting.  He looks sick.

T2: Pathetically sick

T1: Prepare for the sparkles!

Sparkle time in 3, 2, 1 . . .

Sparkle time in 3, 2, 1 . . .

(Bella stops him just in time.  Darn.  Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)

T2: Another Bella panting scene.

(The Volturi guys show up.)

T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway?  Cool.

T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.

(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)

T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.

(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi.  We are seeing every second of this.)

T1: Awkward elevator scene.

(They reach a huge hall.)

T1: Is this the execution hall?

T2: Yes, yes, yes!

(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress.  This is not helping with the white paint look.)

(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)

Hi, there.  I am Siegfried and this is Roy . . .

Hi, there. I am Siegfried and this is Roy . . .

Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.

(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over.  But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)

T2: She’s a Sith!

Volturi: She knows too much.

Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!

(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)

T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.

Bella: Kill me, not him!

T1: Either one will do.

T2: Kill them both.  I’m tired.

Me: End movie, endddd.

(Alice promises to turn Bella.  She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking.  You know, like vampires.)

This is just what I think of when I hear "vampire".

This is just what I think of when I hear “vampire”.

T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?

(They get back home.)

Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.

T1: And then you ruined it.

Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.

Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.

All of us: Ennnnnddddd!

(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)

T1: All the Cullens are back.  Yayy.

(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire.  Lots more blah blah blah.  She drives off with Edward.  Jacob blocks them in the road.)

T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.

(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)

Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.

Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.

Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.

T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore.  We will NEVER finish this.

Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.

(And the movie ends right there!!!!  Cheers of joy from all around!)

T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd

T2: And pathetiiiiic!

End Part Three.  New Moon was the last movie, right?  Right????

Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Two

We’re back with part two of this stupid movie.  My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame.  Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest.  Cue sad trombone.  Wah, wahhhhhh.
Nap time!

Nap time!

Me: Where were we?

T2: Jacob’s abs.

Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.

(We fast forward back to forest scene.  Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)

(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around.  October . . . November . . . December)

T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished.  Okay then.  Shouldn’t she be dead by now?

(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)

All of us: What the???

T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?

T2: Stupid and pathetic.

(Poor Dad.  He tries to talk to Bella.)

T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.

(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)

T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now.  Nothing.

(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her.  Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)

Yeah, this face would totally reassure me.

Yeah, this face would totally reassure me.

All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?

Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there.  I think I’ll approach them.

(Edward head appears: He says turn around.  Bella walks closer.  Edward speaks again.  Bella gets on motorcycle.)

T1: Stupid!  If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.

(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)

Friend: You’re insane.  Or suicidal.

Us: Yes, yes, yes.

Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.

T1: YES, that’s it.

Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.

Us: Yeahhhhh.

(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix.  Jacob picks up bike.)

Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.

T1: She just noticed this?

(Jacob’s friends come over.  One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”

(Awkkkward!  Haha.  We pause so I can write.  Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)

T2: Look at his eyebrows.  Like Squirrel’s tail.

(Bella says she feels better with Jake.  Like, who wants to feel better?)

(Bella screaming in bed again.  Dad comes in and rambles.  Thing Two is playing with the flashlight.  We break for a fight over the flashlight.  We are seriously bored.)

T1: Come on, we need to finish this.

T2: Nooo.

T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this.  Let’s go.

(Movie is still paused.  Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward.  I correct her.)

Me: That’s Jacob.

T1: Same difference.

(Bella sees cliff diving.  Rush.  Oh, ohhh.)

Me: Jump Bella, jump!

T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)

(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him.  Bored.)

(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is.  Bella drifts off.  Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)

(Edward’s head appears again.  ARghhhhhhhhh.  Bella takes off on motorcycle.  Has multiple hallucinations.  She flies off bike.)

Bella it's not safe for you to operate machinery yet.

Bella it’s not safe for you to operate machinery yet.

T1: That was not a good idea.

(She has a cut on forehead.  Hereee we go.  Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)

(At cafeteria.  Pathetic guy asks out Bella.  She says yes.  Bella wants to see Face Punch.)

Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.

(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy.  Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)

Me: I would still rather see this.

(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom.  Jacob holds Bella’s hand.  He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)

Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.

T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.

(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)

T2: Nooo.  Edward, Jacob.

T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.

(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)

Jacob: I feel weird.

Me: Hulk, smash.

T1: Guess what?  Full Moon.  Whatever.

(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while.  We finally see Jacob again.)

T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.

Jacob: Bella, go away.

So you're going for the pasty white guy? Seriously?

So you’re going for the pasty white guy? Seriously?

T1: You’re ruining my life.

(Jacob yammers about vampires.)

Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.

T1: Ugh, really.

Bella: You can’t break up with me.

T1: You weren’t dating.

Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.

Me: Totally codependent.

(Bella sees meadow.  The pretty flowers have disappeared.)

Me: What?  The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella.  They are all the same.)

Black vampire shows up.

Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.

(Edward head appears. He says:  “Lie”  “Lie better.”

(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate.  Blah blah.  I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)

Jamaican vampire:  How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected?  I am doing you a kindness.

See?  He's a nice guy.

See? He’s a nice guy.

T1: By ending your stupid life.

(Enormous wolf shows up.  Oh, jeez that’s lame.  One stops by her and gives her the eye.

Bella runs back home.)

Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.

Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.

End Part Two.  One more to go.  Help us all!

Twilight II: New Moon Recap

We’re back with Twilight II: New Moon.  Fun times.  I have my fellow reviewers with me.  In case you’re just joining us, my fellow reviewers are my children: Thing One (12 yrs old) and Thing Two (8 yrs old).  They are multi-tasking – painting nails while making sarcastic comments.  I love them.
Don't touch me.  I'm not touching youuuu.  Stop it!

Don’t touch me. I’m not touching youuuu. Stop it!

(Scene selection screen – we see silly dramatic pics of Eddy’s family, then the hottie werewolves, then the Volturi vampires (the big boss guys) in Rome.  I inform the girls that they are the ones Edward going to sparkle in front of to sacrifice himself.)

T1: That’s so dumb.  No wonder they want to kill him.

T1: All the other werewolves look just like Jacob

T1: It has to be PG 13 because it’s too boring for younger kids to watch.

(Title Screen)

T2: Summit, why did you turn to the dark side of movie making?

(Bella does her intro.)

T1: Dramatic line, dramatic line.  You know there’s a lot of lessons you could learn from this.

Me: Like what?

T1: Don’t date a vampire

(Bella is in the meadow in a dream – she sees an old woman)

T2: Grandma don’t eat the flowers.

(Bella IS the old woman, OMG.  Wakes up, Dad comes in.)

Dad: How’d you get so old so fast?

Me: Hahaha, you old fart 18 year old.

(Bella goes to school)

All the kids are flirting with Bella of course)

T1: Why do they like her?

(Edward comes walking over, shirt flapping)

T1: Handsome vampire boyfrieeend woooo . . .

(Edward kisses her)

T1: He still doesn’t know how to kiss.  Hey, no PDA people

Bella: That's, like, my nose.

Bella: That’s, like, my nose.

(Jacob shows up.  Wolf poop’s gonna hit the fan.  He still looks like Pert Plus, but with muscles)

(T2 runs from the room, comes back with a Ken doll stuck upright in a pencil cup full of peppermints.)

T2: See my Jacob statue?

Jacob In A Can by Thing Two

Jacob In A Can
by Thing Two

(Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher – we pause it for a minute – it’s like he’s dangling it in front of her. Perfect.  She likes bright shiny objects.  You HAVE her Jacob)

(They go into the school.  Alice gives Bella a gift.  Bella is all annoyed)

Alice: Oooh, I saw you open it, and you love it!  Squeal!

Me: I hate her.

(In class –they’re watching Romeo and Juliet – only the Mike guy is realistic, nearly falling asleep)

T1: yeah, how many times has Edward watched this?

(Flashback to Bella getting bitten)

T1: Happy memories.

(They go to Edward’s house.  He talks about the Volturi (some femmy vampire council or something).  Volturi vampire tears off a vampire’s head – POP!)

T1: Actual vampire deaths?

(Eddie and Bella get romantic again)

T2: Oh, nooooo.  You are NOT a vampire

(Birthday Scene – ooooh boy!)

(Rosalie gives her a gift – her expression says: Here’s my gift, I hate you)

T1: Why take pictures when they can’t show up in them?

Me: You’re still thinking of real vampires.
(Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper– blood – papercut sends Jasper into a frenzy.  He runs for Bella.  Edward protects Bella by flinging her into a glass table that cuts her up for real.)

Gee, thanks for saving me . . .

Gee, thanks for saving me . . .

T2:  Now THIS is what I’m talking about!  Action!

(They take away Jasper.  Damn.)

(Carlisle sews up Bella.)

T2: Stop talking, and get to the action.  BOO.

Me: You’re gonna be disappointed, sweetie.

(Eddie drives her home.  Once again Bella is wounded after a night out with Eddie)

Bella: Change me.  You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandma.

Me: Yeah, she’s not shallow. Pfft

Edward: Do you not understand my feelings for you?

Me: I don’t.

Bella: It’s my birthday.  I ask one thing.  Kiss me.

T1: He doesn’t know how to kiss.

Me: Oh, the angst, the angst!

(Bella goes to school, no Edward.  Eddie goes in her room.)

T1: Romaaaaanticccc montaaaage

Edward: Let’s take a walk in the forest.  We have to leave Forks.

Yeah, uh, gotta jet.  Don't try to kill yourself too much.

Yeah, uh, gotta jet. Don’t try to kill yourself too much.

Me: Blah blah blah

T2: Mommy, hey, look at T1’s nails!  (way more interesting than the movie)

T2: Stare, stare, stare.

Edward: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.

T1: Yeah, right, there are 3 more movies

T2 hits pause: Okay, we’re done with part one!

T1: Hey, this is gonna take us four parts, aw.

T2: I want to do fun stuff.  That’s NOT watching Edward and Bella.  They’re about to kiss anyway.

(We convince her to at least finish the forest scene. Edward leaves Bella in forest.  Dramatic music, Bella runs around and gets lost.  It’s dark.)

T2: Come on, Jacob!

(Bella falls, stays on the ground, curls in fetal position, dramatic camera swirl.)

T2: Stop sucking your thumb.

End Part One

Stay tuned tomorrow for our next snarky installment of Twilight II: New Moon.  Provided the Things come out of their rooms again.

Alice has been pressed

I just got the email today – it was in the JUNK FILE.  Always check your junk file, guys.  Today’s post, Epic Quests and Crap will appear in the next day or so on Freshly Pressed.

Alice is kind of speechless now.  Savor this moment.

Alice.

Epic Quests and crap like that.

So I decided I needed to lose weight.  This realization came about when I (1) stepped on a scale and saw a bad, bad number (2) saw myself in a picture in which my thighs were spread out like Manifest Destiny (3) realized I would soon need to buy new pants and I hate trying on pants with the power of a thousand exploding suns.

I figured a good time to start would be the New Year, which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand.  But now that I’m here, I’m realizing something.  This weight loss business?  Yeah, it sucks.

It sounds like FUN right?

It sounds like FUN right?

I decided not to go with any of the regular diets, because I knew there was no way I was going to do anything like count points (Math is harrd), spend lots of money (Jenny Freaking Craig and the like), or eliminate key foods like meat (I am not a bunny) or bread (screw you, Atkins).  So my pal Ravin found this thing on Facebook called Superbetter, and it’s great because it rewards you for stuff like breathing.  No, really, it does.

I like rewards.  Even meaningless point awards and “good job!” messages.  This should come as no surprise considering my massive collection of blog bling.  Superbetter sets up “Quests” for you, but don’t worry, you aren’t going to have to find some stupid ring like Frodo.  The Quests involve little things that will let you (eventually, like maybe in 2015) reach your “epic win” defined as whatever you consider “epic”.  I consider losing five pounds to be “epic” since I have yet to do so, at least on purpose.  Also five didn’t sound as depressing as like fifty.

The scale said WHAT?

The scale said WHAT?

But beware, for there are “Bad Guys” that will keep you from reaching your win.  No, I’m not making this up.  Bad Guys include things like “liquid calories” which is one of my favorite forms of calorie.  You can avoid these bad guys by using “Powerups” or simply putting “quotes” around every other word.  Powerups can be anything from breathing (take five deep breaths before you kill your kids) to chugging a glass of water.  I think it says chugging because that sounds better than drinking tasteless liquid.

Oh, and they say you should exercise too, the killjoys.  But they start out simple.  One of the suggestions is to get out of your chair and like stand every thirty minutes or so.  I have that in the bag, man.  I can stand like nobody’s business.  It also suggests you get fresh air (Superbetter doesn’t understand stuff like allergies or, say, seasons – it’s freaking winter here!).  But I have implemented some of these, because exercising is a good way to use all that extra free floating anxiety and AliceRage I keep stored up for a rainy day.  If I exercise enough, I might not kill my coworkers with a stapler.

And I even stayed away from sugary colas for a week!  Oh, how I miss thee, sugary syrup that can clean my car battery!  But I just fell off the wagon because I’m cheap.  I went in search of a diet drink in desperation because I was falling asleep at my desk.  I pushed the button and out popped a regular drink, not a diet.  It was like Fate, my friends.  And I was way too cheap to let it go to waste.  So I drank of it, even though it was a Pepsi and I don’t like Pepsi, but this Pepsi was superbetter than any other Pepsi I have ever tasted.

At this point, either of you will do.  SUGAR!

At this point, either of you will do. SUGAR!

So obviously this is going to be a long road, complete with stupid quests, bad guys, and Pokemon powerups.  But it says you do better if you share your quests with others.  And the quests can be for lots of stuff, not just losing weight.   I’m dragging Sad Pony and Squirrel along for the ride.  Squirrel vibrates constantly and needs help with his caffeine, sugar, and meth nuts addiction.  Sad Pony needs to get his pony butt off the floor and get happy already.  Anyone else want to join me in my EPIC QUEST?

I don't.

I don’t.

Sure sure sure sounds like fun yes weee when do we start yayyyyyy nutsssss!

Sure sure sure sounds like fun yes weee when do we start yayyyyyy nutsssss!

Where the heck is Alice?

This all started with that bloody Daily Post.  The nice WP person who is much more computer savvy than I, talked about how you could insert a Google map into one of your posts.   And then you could talk about all the places you had been.  This would have been pretty lame.  Or you could talk about where you wanted to go.  I figured that would be more fun, and I could make it really nuts, and travel from Texas to Canada (I hear it’s better) to Mexico (I like the food) to Chile (I like countries with food names) to Antarctica (I like Penguins).

But, predictably, I could not get this feature to work.  I tried drawing lines between points and my lines would not work when I wanted to, but worked splendidly when I didn’t want them to do so.  And sometimes Google Maps would place markers in the middle of say, the Indian Ocean.  I’m not a very good swimmer.  Finally, when I was done, Google Maps showed a picture of . . . blue.  That was the map.  I have no idea what I did.

It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no sense of Geography whatsoever.  All those European countries over there are all just floating around hither and yon and I have no idea what all they have in Africa.  I did at one time – right after I took my Geography class, but then my brain decided it could dump that file.  Who needs that when you can hang onto 5o prepositions (aboard, about, above, across . . .) and the names of all the Cabbage Patch Kids you had as a child.  Clearly this info is more important.

Not only do I not know Geography, I don’t even know where I am at any one time.  I have no sense of direction, and can get lost in the city I’ve lived either by or in MY ENTIRE LIFE.  This is a source of great amusement to my husband, but not so much to me, as I circle around and around the same gas station, trying to find my way to the doctor’s office I’ve visited dozens of times before.

So I figured that since I couldn’t get Google Maps to work, I’d just make my own freaking map.  I made a map of Wonderland as it exists in my blog world.  Hop down the rabbit hole and take a look.

Who needs real countries when you can make them up?

Who needs real countries when you can make them up?

Just remember: if you get lost, do not ask me for directions.