Monthly Archives: February, 2013

Hullo, all. I am guest posting on the blog of another Alice. Since she’s an Alice, she is obviously fab. She’s had lots of great guest stars already, like a storm trooper and . . . I think Oprah was there once. Anyway, I am writing about why I write about 50 Shades. Check it out, and check out Alice X 2!

My Rabbit Hole Trips

NOTE:  The next of the visitors on my list is my fellow Alice, from that wonder of wonders, Wonderland! Want to know what’s with her reading and recapping 50 Shades of Horrible?!, I mean Grey, then you picked some timing, as today, you shall find out!

Want to jump in on the visits? Then let me know, send an email or leave a comment and I’ll get you set up for here, or my blog of randomness. 

Anyone who has ever taken a look at my blog can come to two conclusions right off the bat.  First, the gal likes Alice in Wonderland.  Second, the gal has a rather unhealthy obsession with the 50 Shades series by E.L. James.  In fact, a large portion of her blog is actually (we’re not even going to count the posts) dedicated to bitching about these books.  So you might be wondering – why?

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Scariest Exercise Videos: Jillian Michaels

Remember how earlier I mentioned that there were scary words in the titles of some exercise videos?  There’s a reason for this.  It’s because there are scary PEOPLE in these videos.  And I’m going to show you one of them right now.  First up, Jillian Michaels of Biggest Loser.  She’s a real peach.  Check out her pep talks here right after she gets through beating the crap out of a punching bag!

Inspiring quote from Jill: “I don’t care if you both die on this floor.  You better die looking good.”  Awww.  You just want to cuddle her up like a teddy bear full of rusty metal spikes and nitroglycerin!  Who wouldn’t want to work out with this . . . .lady?

Here’s a sample of one of her workouts.  It’s called “Last Chance Workout”.  You know, like last chance before she murders you.  Sounds like fun.  Check out how enthusiastic her victims students are!  Watch her threaten to jump through your television set like something from Poltergeist!

But wait, there’s more! I searched through several clips.  I have to tell you – I’m not sure I could watch an entire Jillian workout video.  Note I said “watch one”.  I’m not even talking about attempting to DO one of these workouts.  I read the Amazon reviews.  I read stuff like “knee replacement surgery”.  This does not surprise me.

Just the titles of her videos can strike fear into the hearts of man.  Here’s just a few of them:

30 Day Shred

Ripped in 30

Shred it – with weights

Extreme Shed and Shred

Why does she want to shred things?  Why???  I’d prefer the “non-shredding” variety, thanks.  Even Yoga isn’t safe from Jillian.  She has one called “Yoga Meltdown”.  As in Chernobyl.  I thought Yoga was relaxing, not nuclear.

One final video clip.  This one’s from her “Kickbox Fastfix” and it makes me tired just watching it and wincing.  Wincing burns  .05 calories each time – I know because there’s a workout just for your face.  One of my readers told me.  Anyway, here goes kickboxing:

First off, you have to love how they jump without jump ropes.  Why?  Jump ropes are pretty cheap exercise equipment.  Without them you look kinda stupid.  Especially if you have the manic expression of that blond chick.  Then we go into the jab, up, kick, jab, up, kick, fall down, cry (I added those last two, because I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be doing at that point).  She says to “visualize your target”.  Who would that be?  Did someone piss her off at Target?

I think maybe her class pissed her off, because by the end of the clip she has them flinging themselves up and down in some kind of psychotic full body situps, that then progress into donkey kicks.  I think she’s just trying to see what she can get them to do.  Whatever you do, do NOT look into her eyes.

Are there any other exercise gurus that scare the crap out of you?  Won’t you tell me in the comments below?

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Sixteen

Be prepared, readers.  James gave us a break on that last chapter, by merely boring us to death.  All the time she was setting us up for this clusterfuck of a chapter.  Which leads into the question I asked last time, which was “In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing: A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again, B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again, D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word., E) All of the above please kill me now.

It was all of the above, people.  All of the fucking above.  A few of you got it right.  A few of you even noticed that I forgot to add a C) answer.  One person chose it anyway.  Miss Four Eyes came up with an interesting proposal “Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!”  Yes.  Yes, I do.  This could be incredible guys.  Maybe like a choose your own adventure where we all take turns writing different parts.  We don’t even have to check with each other, because we all know James knows nothing about continuity anyway.  What do you say?  After the recap, you may run screaming.

I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.

I think zombie penpals should be involved in some way.

Last time, Leila, Christian’s ex sub who spent most of the last book teasing us all that she was going to murder Christian and Ana only to let us all down, was waiting to see Ana.  Ana discovers that whackjob Leila is on security’s list of people not allowed to see her and she is so pissed.  Now, I think it’s a load of crap that there’s a list of people not allowed to see her (what do you bet Jose is on there?), but the fact that Leila happens to be on it – that’s not all that bad an idea, you moron. (AnaFail)  Remember the gunsies, Ana?  How your brain nearly went boom-boom in a bad way?  Don’t you . . . yeah, nevermind.  Wrong side of the goldfish bowl. (FacePalm, AnaFail)

Now Ana wasn’t even supposed to know Leila was there, but oopsies, Prescott, her female security guard, had to go potty and abandoned her post.  You know women with their potty breaks. (AliceRage) Well, she apparently had no one to relieve . . . um, to take over for her, so Leila slipped through.  Eh, oh! (FacePalm) Prescott thinks Ana shouldn’t see Leila but Ana is like, uh huh I can so see her, so Prescott, knowing she’s already screwed, gives in and leaves for a moment to search Leila.  Ana takes this opportunity to email Christian (good move!) and tell him all about it. (AliceScreams)

You're going to blow up my head, I just know it.

You’re going to blow up my head, I just know it.

Once she’s done sealing her fate, she meets with Leila, who has brought a friend, Susi, who also looks just like Ana.  A trio of mindless Ana automatons. (WTF) Susi announces that she and Leila call themselves “the sub club” and Ana thinks “Oh my God” and I smack myself in the face (Epic FacePalm).  Thankfully, brilliant Susi leaves, and we’re just left with one Ana clone, and sadly, the real Ana.  Christian calls, but Ana tells her assistant to take a message. (AnaFail) Then he calls Prescott, who makes Ana take the damn phone and listen to asshole herself.  He shouts at her that he gave her instructions and bad puppy, she peed on the rug again! (Redflag) Ana hangs up on him. She’s going to be all kinds of dead!  Hooray!

Leila thanks Ana for, you know, not pressing charges for vandalizing her car, breaking and entering her apartment, and attempting to murder her. (WTF) Trifles, really.  Then she wants to see Christian to thank him for beating the crap out of her and turning her brain into pudding, I mean, for not putting her in prison.  And for paying all her doctor bills.  Oh, and for art school.  The usual ex-sub insurance special. (WTF)  Christian is so supportive, he even bought some of her paintings, which is not at all inappropriate.

Example of one of Leila's paintings.

Example of one of Leila’s paintings.

Leila goes on.  And on.  She loved her boyfriend.  And her husband.  Oh, and Christian, of course.  Ana agrees that he is easy to love and they both giggle. (FacePalm, AnaFail, WTF)  No, seriously.  I’m thinking they’re about to go out and get manicures together while comparing buttplug techniques when Christian arrives.  He’s enraged, but Ana still gets in a full description of his hotness.  Remember ladies, it’s important that your murderer be hot. (AliceRage)

Prescott is immediately fired and no doubt leaves the building screaming “Freedom!”  Then Christian yells at the cute little deranged former mental patient / aspiring art student. (RedFlag)  Ana thinks he shouldn’t bully her.  Duh-er, Ana, that’s what he does best.  He also informs Ana that this has nothing to do with her. (RedFlag)  Beyond, you know, Leila nearly killing her like a month ago, and coming specifically to see her, he’s exactly right.  Nothing to do with her!

See, Leila's no problem, Christian. Jeez.

See, Leila’s no problem, Christian. Jeez.

Well, there’s more back and forth about absolutely nothing, and Christian threatens to take away all the guilt money supporting Leila (cause Christian is such a sweet sweet guy to take care of Leila after ripping her to shreds) and she finally leaves to go be nutso somewhere else.  Then Christian tears into Ana for “defying” him, and Ana asks why he was so mean to Leila who only tried to murder her, gawd. (AnaFail, WTF) So Christian talks to Ana “as if to a child” (AliceRage) and explains that the subs were just a “diverting pastime” (AliceRage) and he doesn’t want Ana “tainted by his old life” because it’s so old, you know, like three months ago old.  But Ana says “Whatever touches you, touches me” which just makes me think of those old Health classes about STDs. (AlicePukes)

This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand.  Is there a Sesame Street version?

This needs to be written in simple words that Ana can understand. Is there a Sesame Street version?

Ana then realizes her mission in life, besides being Christian’s doorstop, is to make Christian realize that he “cares.” (AnaFail) He cares because “he likes to whip little brown-haired girls that look like the crack whore.”  Wait.  Well, it was in the same paragraph, don’t ask me what it means. (WTF)  Then suddenly, they are having sexy talk, and Christian says let’s go home but Ana says I have to work so Christian says let’s do it here and Ana says no that’s her final word absolutely not and Christian says let’s go home and Ana says okay. (AliceScreams)

And then we cut to Christian sticking his nose up Ana’s hoo ha while she’s trussed up like a pig again. God, I wish I was making that up.  He tortures her a while, then orders her to come and kaboom she does, rinse, repeat. (AliceScreams)  Then they share a couple of emails. (AliceScreams)

I'm pooping on all those emails right now.

I’m pooping on all those emails right now.

And Ana picks up her phone and OMG it’s Jose’s dad saying that Ana’s dad has been in a terrible accident and to come quick! (WTF) Wait, did James just throw in a plot point as an afterthought?  Who cares, end chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 5080 = -30
Holy crap, I survived that one!

Holy crap, I survived that one!

Fun, fun, fun.

Fun, fun, fun.

Question # – which number are we on now?

Mad Libs!

Here is a paragraph from the next chapter with some of the words taken out.  See if you can fill them in!  Leave your answers in the comments below!

“Do you want a _____, a ____?  What do you ___, Ana?”  Christian ______ at me and I know he’s _____ – my lost ____ dealing with events beyond his _____.  He’s been ______ and ______ all afternoon.  This is a ______ he cannot manipulate and ______.  This is _____ in the raw, and he’s kept himself from that for so long, he’s_____ and _____ now.  My____, ____ 50 Shades.

A Three Hour Tour from Hell

I have to tell you people – that was not what I was expecting in a cruise.  Did you realize that Carnival had been having a wee bit of trouble lately?  And by wee, I mean wee wee, of course.  And poop.  Poop deck took on new meaning on that fateful trip after the engines caught on fire and apparently burned down all the toilets.  Or something.  But it wasn’t all bad, because the passengers were given bags to poop in – sort of like treat bags from a party, but not!

The trip was so bad, the passengers were thrilled to dock in Alabama, folks.  Carnival realized this was a PR nightmare that they’d done wrong, especially since the ship had allegedly been having some mechanical troubles before all of this (oopsies!) and so refunded passengers their cruise fair, gave them 500 buckeroos, and best of all, gave them vouchers for a free cruise in the future!  I bet they all couldn’t wait to use those!

Can't wait to go again . . .image from thestarphoenix.com

Can’t wait to go again . . .
image from thestarphoenix.com

Suffice it to say, I did not realize this had happened.  I thought I was getting a super good deal.  Since Carnival had to recall so many ships, they only had this one kind of creaky ship left.  But hey, it was cheap and the crew seemed so friendly, especially that Skipper guy and his little buddy.  So I went ahead.

This was a big mistake.

Looks sturdy enough.

Looks sturdy enough.

So we were just sailing around, a three hour tour they said.  Got that?  A three hour tour.  And then this storm hit, and bang, the tiny ship was tossed, and I tossed my cookies right on this movie star’s dress.  Then the ship crashed on a deserted island.  I’m not sure how we managed to get to a deserted island when we were just going on a short tour, but I’m no navigator.  Neither was the Skipper, it turns out.

So we all got out and unloaded our luggage.  There was this millionaire couple aboard who had a ton of luggage, but not quite as much as that movie star gal.  Just how much did they need for a few hours?  I’m not sure why the millionaires were on this cheap cruise.  Or the movie star.  They were really big whiners.  The millionaire guy hit his head and kept mistaking me for his “lovey”.

There was also a girl named Mary-Ann who wore pigtails and chased after this professor guy.  I don’t know what his name was.  They just called him the professor.  He was pretty cool, inventing all this crap while we waited for Carnival or somebody competent to come rescue us.  Of course, I couldn’t quite figure out how this professor guy was able to build us all huts and stuff in a few hours but couldn’t fix the boat.  Eh, no matter.

I'm sure that boat was really hard to fix, professor . . .

I’m sure that boat was really hard to fix, professor . . .

The worst part of the voyage, though, was this Gilligan guy.  He kept screwing everything up.  Eventually, we had a meeting about it around the campfire and voted him off the island.  The hard way.  Then we ate the s’mores that Mary Ann had thoughtfully packed for us.  That Skipper guy ate way more than his share.

Just when I thought were going to start voting more people off the island (my bet was on that millionaire and his wife), we saw a plane!  Yes!  Rescue!  Sadly, no.  The plane crashed and all these weird people got out.  We had another meeting and voted off some of the most annoying people right away.  The doctor got to stay, because doctors are useful, and not because he was cute.  We also kept that Sawyer guy, because . . . well, because.  But that girl annoyed me, so I went all jiujitsu on her. (Oh, yeah, the island had special powers.  One guy got to walk again and I got ninja moves.)

Sawyer was totally needed, you guyz.

Sawyer was totally needed, you guyz.

I was really starting to dig my new superpowers too, but then an actual rescue ship spotted the burning plane wreckage and had to come and save us.  As it turned out, the people on the plane were already dead, and so were my fellow cruise members, so apparently I had spent a few days in Purgatory without even knowing it.

But all’s well that ends well, and I did finally get home and vowed to never leave the comforts of my trusty computer again.  I will start back with my somewhat irregular (snicker) posting (Monday / Wednesday / Friday) on Monday, with the latest recap of 50 Shades of Poop Decks.  Oh, and, yes, this story is totally true.  So glad you guys warned me about Carnival with your cryptic messages (How was I supposed to unlock those puzzles?  Bring a porta-potty?  Am I some sort of wizard here?)  You guys are swell.  To thank you, I have some free cruise tickets, if anyone wants them.

Have fun!

Have fun!

Blog Break

Hi all.  Again.  Just letting you know that I’m taking a blog break.  Again.  I’ve got this great cruise lined up – for some reason Carnival is giving these awesome discounts!  Something about a “get back to nature” special.  Anyway, I hope this break recharges some of my batteries so that I can bring you the typical useless programming you’ve come to expect from Alice.com.  Nothing but reality TV standards here, guyz.

Take care.  And if you think of anything you might like me to cover in future posts, you can always leave these ideas in the comments.  Awful TV shows?  Exercise videos?  Books about stupid vampiric businessman psychopaths?  Moronic celebrities?  New prescription meds I should probably be taking?  Let me know.

See you soon and thanks again for being awesome,

Alice

Stormtrooper in Wonderland – Part 2

Today guest blogger  twindaddy of the Unshitty™ Stuphblog continues the story of an unfortunate storm trooper lost in Wonderland.  In case you missed it, click here for Part One.
. . . And now the stunning conclusion to a Stormtrooper in Wonderland!

I stepped through the doorway and into another world. Or at least, it seemed like another world. I was in the back of what appeared to be a rather large courtroom. At the head of this room was a very large woman wearing a crown and a red and black ensemble. Before her at a small podium was a small, blonde-haired girl wearing a blue dress with a white apron. Surrounding the entire courtroom were large rectangular cards. Some sort of playing card I’ve never encountered before. They all had arms and legs protruding from their corners, and each card held a spade-shaped mêlée weapon in its right hand. I found it a very odd thing to make a statue of, let alone surround an entire courtroom with. Very odd, indeed.

I turned my attention back to the queen. Well, I assumed she was a queen since she was wearing a crown. For all I know judges might wear crowns on this planet. I should be expecting the unexpected since I seem to be able to free fall some ungodly distance without breaking anything, or worse, dying.

The queen (I’ll keep referring to her as such until proven otherwise) was rubbing her hands together as a humorless grin spread across her repugnant face. She slowly leaned forward, towards the little blonde girl, and mockingly asked, “Now what were you saying, dear?”

As she spoke the most mysterious thing happened. An animal materialized out of thin air atop the queen’s head. In fact, it was sitting in the queen’s crown. How the queen did not feel the additional weight of this creature was beyond me, but she remained oblivious nonetheless. The creature was some sort of feline animal, it’s fur alternating stripes of purple and pink with a violet mane. Its eyes consisted of yellow scleras and black pupils, indicating, to me anyhow, the creature was quite mad. This was almost too much to handle. No creature that small has a cloaking device!

As the the queen spoke a mischievous grin permeated the creature’s face. When the queen was finished with her question, the creature spoke. “Why she simply said that you’re a fat, pompous, bad-tempered, old tyrant!”

The creature threw its head back in maniacal laughter as it vanished from sight. Unfathomable.

Every inch of the queen’s skin flushed red with anger. She madly waved her fists through the air and exclaimed, “Off with her head!”

The playing cards, which I had assumed were statues, sprang into motion. They converged on the poor little girl from all directions. The little girl wasted no time vacating the podium and running towards the back of the courtroom. Towards me.

Great.

I readied my blaster as the little girl closed in on me.

“Help! Help!” she cried to no one in particular.

I wasn’t sure who to help in this case. Obviously the queen, if that’s indeed what she was, was in some position of authority here. The little girl, however, seemed so innocent and was obviously too young to be beheaded. At least, in my estimation she was, but I’ve seen more heinous deeds committed throughout the galaxy at the whim of the Emperor.

The little girl finally noticed I was standing there and headed straight for me. She continued crying for help as she ran by and hid behind me. She stuck her head out from behind me and asked me to help her.

“Please, sir, you must help me!” she pleaded.

I turned and regarded her. The little girl couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 standard years old. How anyone could order a child so young to death bewildered me.

“What have you done?” I asked her. “What is your crime?”

“All I did was tell the queen how ridiculous this whole proceeding was. Please, sir, you must help me!”

“What is your name?” I inquired.

“My name is Alice, sir,” she answered, frightened. “Will you please help me?”

“How old are you, Alice?”

“Seven and a half, sir. Please save me.”

The fear in this child overwhelmed me and I knew I could not deny her. She was so innocent. So young. So naive. No creature so young should be put to death under any circumstances. “Okay,” I conceded. “I’ll help you.”

I turned to face the horde of cards that had been chasing her only to find a completely different scene than I had expected. I was surrounded by cards menacingly holding their spade-shaped weapons at the ready. In front of them all, however, stood the queen, her skin now a deep shade of crimson. I could almost see smoke escaping her ears as she fumed. I brought my blaster carbine to my chest and gripped it tight with both hands, ready for action.

“Who are you?” she demanded.

“I am Drun Kenman, trooper for the Empire. You will not bring harm to this child,” I boldly proclaimed. At least, I hope that’s what I did. I was honestly a little intimidated. I mean, I am an Imperial stormtrooper and, a highly trained one at that, but I was seriously outnumbered here.

The queen calmed down noticeably. Her breathing slowed down and a regal grin overthrew her angry frown. “Is that so?” she asked as if she were amused by my statement.

“That is so, queen,” I placed highly sarcastic emphasis on the word ‘queen’ to ensure she knew that her perceived authority over me was just that. Perceived. I had a feeling my response would not be well-received, and I was prepared for that eventuality.

The queen threw her head back violently and began angrily screaming. “Off with his…”

That was quite enough. It was the response I expected and I wasn’t prepared to tolerate the disrespect she was showing an Imperial trooper. Local monarchs are not above Imperial law, and according to the Emperor, should be shown no mercy when they disrespect the Empire. So I quickly snapped my blaster carbine up and pulled the trigger before the queen could finish her cry for my head.

The blaster bolt struck her in the jaw, snapping her head back and knocking her off of her feet. She landed loudly on her back. The ground even tremored a bit when she landed. Ha! That shut her up!

The collective gasp which escaped the mouths of all of the cards when I blasted her was deafening. It was obvious that nobody had ever defied this queen and they weren’t sure how to respond. Either that, or they were totally intimidated with how fearsome I am. It must be the armor, I decided.

A puny elderly man emerged from beyond the sea of cards. He was attired much like the queen, and wore a crown identical to hers. His jaw fell slack when he saw my handiwork. As his gaze slowly turned from his deceased wife to me, anger consumed him just as slowly. Soon, he was furious. I’m not quite sure why. He should be relieved that he didn’t have to be married to that cur any longer.

He stared at me. He stared some more. Then, he kept staring at me. The total lack of anything else happening was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. As he stared continuously at me, his face began turning different shades of red, each darker than the last.

I was just about to turn and leave with Alice when the king (at least, I’m assuming that’s who he was) finally spoke. “What are you waiting for?” he said to seemingly no one in particular. “The queen said off with his head so off with his…”

I’d had enough of this place. First the queen, now the king. Why does everybody want to take my head off? I wasn’t going to let the king finish ordering my death, either, so I blasted him as well. As the king was mid-sentence, I again snapped my carbine into position and squeezed the trigger. Pure crimson energy spewed from the muzzle of my carbine and then percussed the king in the abdomen. He crumpled silently to the ground, his cry for my head effectively ended.

I decided a tactical retreat was in order seeing as how I was still insurmountably outnumbered. Sure, I’d lopped off the head (for you slower folks, that’s the king and queen), but the body was still functioning and lethal. And surely the head would grow back (that means somebody else will assume control of them; try to keep up). I spun 180 degrees, prepared to grab Alice and exit through the door which had delivered me into this catastrophic situation, but it was gone. The door was gone. Where the hell did it go? There was nothing there but an empty wall now.

I turned back to face my attackers. They had finally mobilized and were marching towards me. They came at me in three single-file lines. Not a brilliant tactical maneuver if I say so myself. I brought my trusty blaster carbine up in both hands and began squeezing the trigger rapidly.

Three shots later, I had hit the lead card in each line. Each card fell backward when it was hit. The cards were so close together that when the lead card in each row fell backward it tumbled into the card behind it, therefore knocking it over. The cycle repeated itself over and over. In essence, I just played dominoes with my blaster. If the situation weren’t so dire I might have laughed at these strange happenings.

Now that I was out of immediate danger, I began frantically searching the courtroom for some other way out. A glance to the left yielded no results. There was only a solid wall there. A glance in front of me was useless, as that’s where literally dozen of cards were sprawled out on the floor, some of them already beginning to get back to their feet. I glanced to the right and saw a passage in the wall. It was my only hope.

I grabbed Alice by the hand and began sprinting for the passage. I entered a hallway with green walls which abruptly turned 90 degrees to the left only a few meters in. I made the turn and continued to run with Alice’s hand enclosed in mine. We came to another turn in the hallway. This one was a 90 degree turn to the right. I took the turn and finally began to sense something was amiss. There were no doors in these hallways. No other openings. No windows. Nothing but turns.

I heard a cacophony of voices behind me. Without breaking stride, but slowing down enough so that I wouldn’t fall over, I risked a glance behind me. The cards were after us. And worse, there were catching up. I could only run as fast as poor little Alice could as she was so little that her legs couldn’t keep up with mine.

We came to another turn. This was a u-shaped turn. As we were taking the turn, Alice spoke through her heavy breaths. “It’s a maze! We’re in a maze.”

She was right. I had realized it a few seconds ago, but hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. Still, we had no choice but to keep running, so we did. We took several more turns. Left turns. Right turns. U-turns. Each turn brought the cards closer to catching us. Then we came to a dead-end. No more turns. Nowhere to run.

I let go of Alice’s hand and turned to face the coming horde of cards. Alice started beating on the walls and began desperately screaming for help. The cards were still some distance away and it would be a minute or so before they caught up, but they were coming. I could hear them. And then, I could see them.

Suddenly I heard a haunting voice. The same haunting voice I had heard when I initially fell in the cave. “Looking for a way out?” it asked.

I turned and the door was there. The knob was intact and there was no indication that I had ever shot it with my blaster.

“Yes!” Alice answered before I could. “Yes! Let us out!”

“And why should I do that when I was treated so rudely before?” it asked with an arched eye directed at me.

“What does he mean?” Alice asked, looking in my direction.

I looked at her and shook my head. “I’ll tell you later.”

I then turned my attention to the door. “If you don’t I’ll blast you again.” I hoped that sounded as threatening as I thought it did, but I was becoming rather desperate and it’s hard to intimidate anyone (or anything in this case) once desperation sets in.

The door laughed. I’ve endured some pretty humiliating things in my life before, but having a door laugh at me, especially right after having threatened it, was now at the top of that list.

“Trooper of the Empire, huh? You’re already out there.” it said.

Not only was I humiliated, but I was now confused as well. “What do you mean, ‘I’m already out there?’”

“Have a look,” it said. Then, it’s mouth (the keyhole if you’ll remember) opened wide. I cautiously peered through the mouth and saw myself sitting, propped up against that fat tree on Dantooine, sleeping. My helmet and blaster carbine lay beside me on the grassy plain as my chest plate gently rose and fell with each breath.

“Oh, for the love of… You mean I’m dreaming?” I asked as I backed away from the door.

“You’re dreaming? What does that mean for me?” Alice asked.

“It means you’re not real and if I want to get out of here I need to wake myself up. And the only way I know of to do that in a dream is to die.”

“Die?” the little girl asked, disbelieving.

“Yes, die. This is a dream, so I’m going to shoot myself, but before I do…”

I shot the door. Again. Pompous door. Don’t ever humiliate a stormtrooper. Even in his dreams. Man that felt good.

Then, knowing that I was dreaming, I turned and started unloading my blaster carbine on the approaching cards. I made a game of it. I was having a blast. Pun intended.

“Ha ha! Take that! Another one bites the dust! Oh, that’s gotta hurt!” I was having all sorts of fun.

Eventually the cards made it to me. They still ridiculously outnumbered me and the amount of shots I could fire. At that point, when I was overcome and about to be captured, I turned my blaster carbine on myself and pulled the trigger.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Darkness. Everything was dark. As I came to my senses, I realized that my eyes were closed. No wonder it’s dark. Light was beating down on my eyelids and some of it permeated through. I opened my eyes and brought my hands up to shield the blinding light from my sensitive eyes.

It took a handful of seconds, but my eyes eventually adjusted. I was right where I had seen myself in my dream just a few minutes ago: sitting on the ground propped up against the tree. I looked down to my left and saw my helmet and blaster just where they had been in my dream too.

Then, voices sprang from my comlink. “SB1977. Come in, SB1977.” It was my captain.

I lazily plucked my comlink from my utility belt. “SB1977 here,” I answered

“Any sign of the rebel base?” he queried.

“Uh,no, sir. I’ve searched my entire sector and there are no rebels here…”

Stormtrooper in Wonderland – Part 1

Hello, all.  Today I’ve got a guest blogger from a galaxy far, far away.  You can find him these days on Stuphblog.  His name is Twindaddy, and he is the best storm trooper blogger I have ever met.  This guy has blogged under some extreme conditions, but today he’s gone somewhere no trooper has gone before – Wonderland.  He has written an awesome short story that will be featured in two parts.  Part Two will appear here on Saturday.

When you’re done here, be sure to check out his awesome blog – there’s a lot of cool stuph™ to be found!  Without further ado, I give you a Storm Trooper in Wonderland . . .

“Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine.”

―Leia Organa

Dantooine.  I’d never heard of this planet before.  Yet here I am on this desolate world.  There is allegedly a rebel base located on this world according to ISB.  And that’s why we’re here.  To find this base.

Let’s be honest, there’s no rebel base here.  If there were they would have fled the planet as soon as we arrived in system.  The rebels always run and hide.  Always.  They wouldn’t hunker down and wait for us to find them.  They’re scared of us, as well they should be.  What an epic waste of time this is.

The world seems pleasant enough, though.  Dantooine is a terrestrial world filled with grassy plains, winding rivers, and beautiful lakes.  This even seems like a pleasant enough world to take a vacation on.  You know, if we stormtroopers were actually allowed to have vacations.  Sometimes I think they see us as machines.  Like droids.  We’re human, though.  As human as we can be after all that training.

This is my view from my HUD. Pretty, huh?

It’s just after sunrise here.  The local sun, Dina, has just crested over the eastern horizon, illuminating the dark-colored clouds in the sky and casting long shadows behind every object.

I have no idea what part of the planet I’m on.  My commander just deployed me here via shuttle and ordered me to search for the secret base.  I’m sure it’s out here in plain view for me to find.  That was sarcasm if you couldn’t tell.  Why are my commanders always so incompetent?

I began walking towards the tree ahead of me with the unusually large trunk when I heard a voice.  An odd voice.  It was a high-pitched voice, yet raspy at the same time.  I froze and concentrated on the voice and tried to make out what it was saying.  The voice progressively grew louder until I could clearly understand the spoken words.

“I’m late!  I’m late!” the squeaky voice exclaimed as a weird creature came scurrying from behind me.  I was startled, but managed not to jump out of my armor, because I’m just that good.

I studied the creature that had just ran right by me:  an extremely small creature, with short white fur, and two long ears protruding from its tiny head.  It was carrying some sort of chronometer in its hand and was attired in the oddest ensemble.  It had some sort of red jacket overtop a dark yellow shirt.  It was wearing grey pants with a white fluffy ball sticking out of its rear-end.  Weird.  And no shoes whatsoever.  To say the least, I was mildly intrigued.

I was able to pull this holograph from my HUD.

Curious, I followed the creature.  As I was completely sure there were no rebels on this seemingly uninhabited planet, this might turn out to be the most interesting thing I see while I’m here.  I figured I may as well see where it leads me.  I had to maintain a brisk jog to keep pace with this creature, but that was no problem for me.  As a warrior for the Empire, I’m in excellent physical shape.  The creature passed by the fat tree and turned toward the rocky outcropping to the left.  What it was heading for I did not know, yet I felt compelled to follow it.

After jogging behind it for a few hundred more meters along this rocking outcropping, it became clear that we were heading for a cave embedded into the outcropping up ahead.  The creature never slowed or quickened its pace, but kept saying it was late over and over again.  It also seemed oblivious to the fact that I was following it.

When it reached the cave it entered without hesitation.  My curiosity now piqued, I followed carelessly through the cave’s entrance.

Big mistake.  Big mistake indeed.

Just a few steps inside this dark cavern the floor disappeared.  Maybe it was never there to begin with, but it certainly looked like the rocky ground was still there when I attempted my next step.  Before I knew it or was ready for it, I was free-falling.

How stupid of me.  I can’t believe I was so heedless as to just run right into an unknown situation.  I know better.  I was trained to avoid just this situation.  Caution, caution, caution!  I can’t believe I did this.  I’m going to die because I’m stupid.

While all of this was going through my head, I failed to notice that I hadn’t found the bottom of this pit yet.  When that stark realization snapped me back to reality, I looked down and saw the last thing I expected to see at the bottom of this cave I was plunging through.

A lit, finished floor.

Unbelievably, the closer I got to the floor below, the slower my descent became.  I eventually landed gently on my feet, like a feather landing gracefully on the ground.  All I could think was, “Whoa, that was weird.”

I slowly took stock of my situation.  I still had my armor and I still had my blaster.  I checked my utility belt and found what I hoped was still there.  My comlink.  I yanked it from my belt and began to speak into it.

“SB1977 to command.  Do you read me over?”  No response.  I tried a couple more times to reach my commander, but to no avail.  I brought the comlink up to try a fourth time when I heard a disturbingly sinister laugh echoing from somewhere beyond the edge of the light.

“That won’t work in here,” a haunting voice said.

Another image from my HUD. I figured if I didn’t capture these images no one would believe me.

I quickly brought my blaster up in both hands, ready to fire on any threat to my safety.  “Who goes there?” I loudly asked.

Suddenly the edge of the light extended off to my right, illuminating a green door stuck between open, red curtains.  The door had a golden knob on its right side with eyes above the knob and a keyhole doubling as a mouth below it.  The knob seemed to be the nose of the most bizarre creature I had ever seen before.

I walked toward the door.  Instead of the door growing larger as I approached, it actually became smaller.  The knob’s eyes seemed to be following me as I moved toward it.

“Did you say something to me?” I asked it.  Then, the absurd realization of what I had just done hit me like the shockwave from a thermal detonator blast.  I just spoke to a kriffing door.  Great, Drun.  Just great.  What will you do for your next trick?

The knob seemed to regard me, then its mouth began moving.  “I said, ‘That won’t work in here.'”

I was so shocked and taken aback that I nearly soiled myself.  A doorknob had just spoken to me.  What is going on here?

“If you want to get through, you’ll have to use that key,” it continued, gesturing to its right (my left) with its creepy eyes.

I followed its gaze to my left and saw a table sitting there.  On the table sat three items:  a white cake, a blue bottle, and a golden key.

I looked back to the door.  “How do I get through?”

It smirked.  The door actually smirked.  This is insane.  “That’s for you to figure out,” it told me.

I raised my blaster and carefully aimed it at the door knob.  “Look, whatever you are, I am a trooper for the Empire and you will tell me what I need to know or I’ll blast you!”

“Oh, that’s not how this…”

I had enough.  That was all the knob could spit out before I angrily pulled the trigger and forever silenced it.  As an added bonus, the door flew open.  The doorway, however was too small for me to fit through.  I walked over to the table and inspected the items it held.  The key was now useless, so I ignored it.  The bottle had a label on it that said “drink me.”  Next to it was a cake that had “eat me” written into the frosting.  After a short, juvenile chuckle at having just read the words “eat me” emblazoned on a cake, I decided to take a bite of the cake.  I removed my helmet and took a small bite of the white cake.

A most puzzling thing then happened.  Everything suddenly began to shrink.  Then, I realized that it was me who was getting larger and not everything else getting smaller.  Sithspit! What is going on?

My head hit the ceiling.  Wait, there’s a ceiling in here?  How did I get in here if there’s a ceiling? Smacking my head against the ceiling didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a gentle bump, either.  Luckily, I stopped growing once my head hit the ceiling or else things would have become even more unpleasant.

The cake was an utter failure, so I decided to try the bottle.  I figured that if the cake made me bigger, then hopefully the bottle would make my smaller.  I lifted the now miniscule bottle up to my waiting mouth, which was no easy task considering the bottle was about the size of one of my fingernails now, and dumped its contents into my biggest orifice.  My mouth.

Very quickly, everything became huge as I shrunk to the size of the door in what seemed like a heartbeat.  It wasn’t gradual like eating the cake had been. I looked all around.  Everything was huge now, except for the door, which was now just the right size.  I took a step toward the door only to have my foot bang into some inanimate object I hadn’t noticed was there.  I looked down and saw my helmet lying there in front of me.  Somehow, it had shrunk, too.  Not daring to question my good fortune in that regard, I picked it up and placed it back over my precious skull.  Well, it’s precious to me, anyhow.

With no other reason to stay, I continued through the door, completely unprepared for what lay on the other side.

. . . Stay tuned Saturday for the exciting conclusion!

An Alice Valentine’s Day Special

Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day!

Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day!

I just realized yesterday that Valentine’s Day was today.  That’s how special this day is to me, you guyz.  So I figured since I’d done a special on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, that I might as well do one for Valentine’s Day as well.  Even though it’s a suck holiday, it’s still a holiday.  I mean, there’s a Charlie Brown special for it and everything.

Remember the Charlie Brown special?  I don’t.  Except that there was this little red headed girl he liked that didn’t know he existed.  And I’m pretty sure no one gave him any Valentines.  Because that kid’s life sucked.  He probably spent most of his free time plotting how to get even. I’d like to write a sequel where he sends Lucy a Valentine filled with Anthrax or something.

Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine.  We'll see who messes with the football now . . .

Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine. We’ll see who messes with the football now . . .

Whoops, this post suddenly turned dark.  Sorry about that. Speaking of dark, do you like dark chocolate?  Why?  It’s not sweet.  I don’t get that.

Where was I?  Oh, right, Valentine’s Day.  Well, maybe I should give you some of the history behind this historic day.  You see, there was this guy named Saint Valentine.  He was a saint because he suffered for years stamping tiny little messages on the most horrible candy ever invented – those little candy hearts.  I hate those things.

Does ANYONE actually like these candies?

Does ANYONE actually like these candies?

After a while, it started getting to him, all the “Lover Boy”, “Call Me”, and “UR Kind” messages.  He figured there had to be something better than that.  So he invented the greeting card.  These cards had sappy poems and messages of love that couldn’t fit on a tiny piece of chalk-like candy.  They usually had pictures of roses on the cover, and cost more than a gallon of milk, which would arguably last much longer but somehow is not as romantic.

But after a while, Valentine got bored with the cards too, so he let his brother-in-law, Saint Hallmark, take over while he sought out the next best thing.  Something that was more useless than cards or chalk candy, and killed a living thing for no real reason.  Flowers!  Yes, he plucked those suckers up out of the ground and stuck them in a vase and charged like 50 bucks a pop for the things. Saint Valentine was a genius.

Hey, remember how these flowers were living?  I fixed that.

Hey, remember how these flowers were living? I fixed that.

Later, he dabbled in real candy, like chocolate.  People liked chocolate a lot better.  Yet they still buy those little stamped candies for some unknown reason.  They also buy flowers and cards.  Well, the men do, because they know that the women in their lives will get seriously pissed if they don’t.  It really doesn’t matter if we like chocolate or roses or cards.  We just want them because, well, Cosmo tells us that if we don’t get them, our guy is not that into us.  It’s in a quiz and everything.

Also, and this is only a theory, but there are some who thinks Saint Valentine was really a woman in disguise.  She came up with this holiday to bring about the doom of men who had already forgotten to buy birthday, Christmas, and anniversary presents for their sweethearts.  Is it true?  Is any of this?  Heck if I know.  That reminds me – I forgot to get my husband anything for this dumb holiday.  Hey, I know, the perfect thing.   This site sells candies that have real sayings like “U LEFT SEATUP” and “DORKA PHOBIC”.

You can actually buy these at the above link.  Sooo tempted.

You have to love candy that reminds your significant other to put the lid down.

Fat Blast From the Past: 1980s Exercise Videos

Hey, team!  Are you ready for some fitness?  Are you?  Bounce up and down!  Again!  Now stand on your head!  And bounce, one, two, three – keep bouncing!  That’s right, bounce on your head!  You can do it!  Don’t stop, or this giant Gila Monster will eat you!  Yay, motivation!

Last week you guys gave me a great list of exercise videos to check out.  There were scary words in the titles like “shred”, “burn”, “ripped”, “turbo fire”, and “Richard Simmons.”  Freaked me out a little bit.  I don’t want to own most of them.  Keeping people like that Jillian girl from “Biggest Loser” around would keep me up at night.  I could just see her staring at me from that box with that look on her face that says “I hate you.  Now I’m going to kill you.”

What if I don't want to be shredded?  Quit staring at me, Jillian!

What if I don’t want to be shredded? Quit staring at me, Jillian!

So I figured I’d check them out of the library, or rent them, or something.  And then I decided, meh, I’m tired.  I’ll check out youtube.  Turns out this is a great source for some real exercise gems, folks.  So I figured we’d do a “Fat Blast from the Past” with some 80s exercise videos.  First up is a 1987 clip from “Buns of Steel 2” (because the first one wasn’t steely bunned enough).

You have to love the exercise leader.  Mullet, hippy beard, headband, spandex, and . . . electric blue legwarmers.  I simply must have that fine specimen of manhood!  Also, check out the girl in the back.  They’ve got her up on some sort of platform, the better to see her pink spandex leotard and blue tights.  Watch at about 2:47 on the tape where they all bow their heads in shame.

Next up!  The Firm.  No, not the Grisham novel that was made into a sucky movie filled with endless close-ups of Tom Cruise trying to act like he’s thinking.  This one’s another 80s trip – 1988 to be exact.  This clip starts up with a chick in a white leotard (more spandex!) looking confused in front of a serene picture of some hippy woman with flowers in her hair.  But then we’re in familiar territory with multi-colored leotards and tights in all shades of hot pink, blue, purple, peach – like a human Easter basket.  She starts out the routine with pelvic thrusts that would look inappropriate, but she’s so thin I don’t think she actually has a pelvis.  She stays chipper through the entire ten minutes.

But if you really want upbeat, look no further than Richard Simmons!  He is truly a freak of nature inspiration.  This clip of  “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” begins with Richard just happening to show up on what looks like the set of Sesame Street, where some random people are just hangin’ out, playing with hula hoops.  You know, the usual street stuff.  He asks if they want to dance and they all hop up and down.  This video differs from the others in that, for some reason, these people are not already in shape.  I mean, wtf, why are they doing an exercise video then?

Richard himself resembles an undercooked, malnourished turkey, but you can’t beat him for enthusiasm.  Check out his glittery tank top and short shorts.  Then pray that they never bring back those short shorts on men.  There are some fun dance moves, like on about 0.36,  where you move two fingers back and forth over your face and splay your legs out like disco dorks.

Of course, no flashback would be complete without a Jane Fonda clip.  Back in the 80s, Jane Fonda was the Queen of Exercise (Richard Simmons was the Princess).  She still does exercise tapes today, but much, much slower and a with a lot less bouncing.  This one’s her “New” workout from 1985 and features Jane, some other chick they keep focusing on (isn’t this Jane’s video?), and a girl wearing a visor, a purple crop top, yellow shorts, and a tan to literally die for – how long was she in the tanning bed?  The best one, though, is our token guy in the back wearing a crop top and red spandex pants so tight I’m surprised he’s breathing.  I admire a guy brave enough to bear his hairy midriff.

Well, that’s all for today, folks.  Aren’t you tired from all that exercise?  I know I got tired (and slightly nauseous) just watching them!  You just can’t beat the classics.  Stay tuned next time while I check out some more exciting and not at all terrifying exercise videos.

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Fifteen

I just checked out the table of contents and WOOOT there are ten more chapters.  We are more than half-way through, you guyz!  I’m sure we can get through this.  I mean, how much worse can it get, right?  Right?

But first let’s look at last week’s burning question, you know, that kind of burning you cure with pharmaceuticals in the “down there.”  The question was “Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second!  Who could it be?” And the possible answers were the totally plausible A) Bigfoot, B. Christian’s yacht, C. Leila, D. Oompa Loompas, E) Who the fuck cares?

nobody cares

As usual, most of you bombed.  Bueller, Bueller, Bueller!  Some of you made up your own answers to the multiple choice question, which must have been a great strategy while taking your SATs.  In case you didn’t notice, no there wasn’t an F or a G, but nice try.  The answer was not “Ambien”, “The White Rabbit”, “All of the Above”, “Prodigy shows up and performs “Smack My Bitch Up” and Christipoo goes all rage against the buttplug.”, or “Squirrel”.  Points for creativity, though!  No, the answer was Leila, who if you recall was one of my favorite characters in the last book.  You don’t?  Well go back and read.  I’ll wait.

Okay, so congrats to Ruby Tuesday for giving us the right answer.  Though those of you who chose “Who the Fuck Cares?” were technically right as well.  But I’m just killing time here, and not getting to this fabulous recap.

Chapter 15 begins with Christipoo wrapped around Ana like a boa constrictor again, and oh wow this is so cool because she has never given us this description before EVER.  (AliceScreams)  Ana tells him he makes her feel “cherished” (AlicePukes). Yeah, cherish is the word I use to describe that love, all right.  Yup.  Christian notices Ana’s red hand (from slapping a guy – sadly not Christian) and gets all pissy about him touching his property again and Ana teases him by reminding him how his palm used to get all red from spanking the shit out of her. (RedFlag, AnaFail, WTF) He tells her he could “reacquaint her with that feeling” because, you know, nearly getting assaulted certainly deserves punishment, right? (RedFlag) I mean . . . just wtf am I reading?

Haha, remember that time?  Ah, we do have fun.

Haha, remember that time? Ah, we do have fun.

Ana just poo poos that threat, and he kisses her palm, and just like Mommy, he makes the pain all go away! (WTF) I’m not even touching that one.  And then suddenly Christian is telling Ana he wants her to fight him in bed and Ana’s little brain can’t figure this one out.  Personally, I think she should have started fighting back a long time ago, but then again, it is tough to do when you’re tied up and blindfolded, and he’s armed with whips and whatnot. (RedFlag) So Ana wonders if he’ll hurt her, but her inner goddess (I.Q. Negative 145) says “never”.  Yeah, not since like, um, was it yesterday or the day before?

So then, this is just gross.  I’m going to go read Paddington Bear, you guys.  Sigh.  Okay.  She swigs some water, and spits it into his mouth. (AlicePukes)  And then they have this little rape fantasy thing where she tries to fight him but he’s too strong not that she wants to fight him but he told her to so I’m not seeing how he’s getting a thrill out of this since he knows she’d drink lighter fluid and torch herself if he told her it was a new “game.” (WTF)

Sounds like fun, right, Ana?

Ana, I’ve got an idea for a new game!

After it’s finally freaking over, Christian tells Ana she “confounds” him (AliceScreams) and Ana thinks about poor abused little boy Christipoo (AliceScreams) and they have sex again off screen.  And then a whole bunch of nothing happens.  Really.  Nothing.

Yeah, that.

Yeah, that.

They leave Aspen.  Ana asks if he misses caning her.  I’d sure like to, but he says no, cause he’s been cured by Anavagina.  And then . . . but of course.  Email. (AliceScreams)

Shit.

Shit.

Ana’s assistant tries to distract her from her email with, you know, her freaking editing job, but Ana tells her to wait a minute, so we can get back to the emails. (AliceScreams) 

Wait, not again!

Wait, not again!

Then she gets a message about some other work thingy, like an author meeting or something stupid, and she waves her off, and back to the emails, cause witty banter, you guyz! (AliceScreams)

New kitty, move down

New kitty, move down

Finally, Ana is interrupted again by something that actually interests her.  Turns out Leila is there to see her!  Good old Leila, who stalked and tried to kill her before going all cuckoo right in her apartment.  Yeah, that Leila!  Ana thinks, “Fuck.  What does she want?”

I have one thing to say.  Go, Leila, go!

Final Score: 100 –18 120 = -38
Don't let us down again, Leila.

Don’t let us down again, Leila.

Get ready!

Get ready!

In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing:

A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again

B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again

D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word.

E) All of the above please kill me now.