Oh, Goody, here we go again. When last we left our merry band of losers, Elliot, Christian’s brother not the kid with E.T., although that would be more interesting; had asked Kate, Ana’s slightly more intelligent friend, to marry him. And we were left on this cliffhanger cause omg what if she says no? Of course she’s not going to say no. Getting married is the pinnacle of a woman’s existence. Jeez, people.
My last question was a toughie cause it was Math related, which as we all know, is a subject nobody ever uses past high school. I asked “If Christian’s peen is going 90 miles an hour and Ana’s hoo-ha is going 50 miles per hour, how long until Alice has a mental breakdown?” I had a tie for best answer this time. Soul Survivor said, “Let’s try Christipoo’s peen tied to the tracks while a train is traveling toward him at 90 mph and Ana’s hoo-haa is tied to the front of the train. Then we all run in the bathroom at 50 mph and hurl.” This sounds like an excellent idea and I hope they work it into the movie adaptation somewhere, because every successful movie needs a big explosion. The other answer I chose came from womansmdguide who said “90 divided by 50=they had sex for 1.2 minutes and then emailed about it for 3 chapters.” This woman clearly knows her 50 Shades, because that is exactly what those morons would do.
But back to the “story”. Kate says yes (colored me surprised) and the whole restaurant bursts into spontaneous applause for two strangers with “cheering, catcalls, whooping” as if their favorite team just won the Superbowl or something. (Facepalm) Christian actually hugs his brother (like, isn’t that almost gay, E.L.?) and calls him “Lelliot” which is the most moronic nickname ever with the possible exception of “Fifty”. (Facepalm) And naturally, this is the first time the nickname has appeared in three books. Ana ponders this in her tiny brain and another synapse snaps.
The pompous dumbass orders some wine, and he and Ana talk about how she has the best taste (not in her mouth) and I think yeah, just wait till she eats asparagus (see Cosmo!) The idiot brigade goes to “the most exclusive nightclub in Aspen” because who would go to the second most exclusive, right? (BoredNow) And the hostess, an “attractive, leggy blonde in satin hot pants”, greets them. Ever notice how Ana tends to describe every female in sexual terms? (AnaFail) Ana, do you want to get into her hot pants? Because I have to wonder about those descriptions of yours. Maybe you’re not jealous, maybe you’re just a lesbian, and you could knock off Christian, take his money, and go flying off with Kate on an excellent adventure until the two of you get yourselves killed, which will only be a matter of time, with your combined IQs. But it’d be fun while it lasted. Just a thought.
Ana immediately starts calling the girl “Miss Hot Pants” (AnaFail) and Max (he had to have a name because he is intricately important to the plot because just wait) takes Ana’s coat and gives her the eye which makes Christian all pissy. You see, I told you he was important.(AliceScreams) Mia (Christian’s sister who is dating Kate’s brother while Kate is dating Christian’s brother, while Ana is married to Christian – in other words, it’s one big incest-fest, guys) bounces about like a poodle that needs to be put to sleep until everyone goes out onto the dance floor. (AlicePukes) This was all necessary plot development and not just E.L. trying to make some mythical word quota. (BoredNow)
Christian acts like a total asshole while ordering booze and Ana thinks “it’s kinda hot.” (AnaFail) Another hot waitress comes over (they are required to be hot – it’s in their contract. Maybe this club is actually Hooters?) and Ana thinks “He’s mine, girlfriend.” (AnaFail) Yeah, Ana, and you can keep him. Next Romeo forces Ana to drink water because he’s kept count of how much booze she’s had (remarkable feat cause that is a hell of a lot of math there) and Ana guzzles it down in protest. You go, girlfriend. (AnaFail)
Ana goes out to dance and thinks (snort) about how she wasted all that time reading Jane Austin and Thomas Hardy when she could have been out drinking and dancing. (B.S.) Because as we all know she’s, like, literary (AliceScreams) With an English degree. (B.S.) That she totally earned. (B.S.) I’m sure it had nothing to do with banging every single professor. Remember, she was a virgin when they met. (B.S.) A virgin who could orgasm at the drop of a hat and perform a perfect blow job. Hmm. Does something smell fishy? Let’s hope, for Christian’s sake, it’s Ana who smells fishy (thanks, Cosmo!)
Ana’s out groovin’ and someone grabs her butt from behind, so of course she figures it has to be Christian since he owns it and got it trademarked and everything. Anyway, it isn’t until others are alarmed that she turns around and sees that her buns™ are being manhandled by someone other than her husband! (AnaFail) Zomg! Ana suddenly becomes Wonder Woman and lassos him with her vagina of truth! Uh, I mean, she yells and slaps him. The guy is about to walk away when in walks, dun dun dun, SuperAsshole to protect her about five minutes too late! (RedFlag)
Christian yells at blond giant (Ana’s clever name for him) and he protests that she can defend herself, so Christian punches the guy. (RedFlag) Blond giant beats a hasty retreat because Christian has super asshole powers and he’s not getting near that shit. Ana and Christian start dancing together, and Ana wonders why she slapped Blond giant just for feeling her up cause that’s not a crime, right? Actually, yeah, it kinda is, moron, but then your husband commits worse crimes every single day, so whatevs, huh? (AnaFail)
Just to prove my point, Christian decides that sure, they’ll dance, but he’ll hold her hands behind her back and jam his pelvis into her (RedFlag). I know that dance. It’s called “The Molestor” and is very popular in prison. (RedFlag) They stop dancing and Christian orders Ana to drink water again. (RedFlag) Those crazy love birds! Ana points out that Christian could have gotten in trouble, but Christian knows he’s rich and above the law and says “No one touches what’s mine.” (Fucking Red Flag!) Didn’t I tell you, Ana? The butt™ thing? Pay attention.
They get ready to leave the club. I’m still thinking about how Christian said “No one touches what’s mine” with “chilling finality” (RedFlag he’s gonna murder you!) but Ana has forgotten all about it. The goldfish made it to the other side of the bowl and all is happy again! (AnaFail) Kate tells her that she “handles” Christian well. Like he’s a Doberman or something? (FacePalm) If so, he needs some serious obedience training himself. Like one of those collars that electrifies a dog if it does something wrong. Those are cruel for animals, but just what this guy needs. And you could just press it and press it and press it and pressss ittttt!
They get home and no the chapter is still not over. Ana is sloshed, again. He takes her upstairs to the bathroom and Ana hears him messing around in the vanity. (RedFlag) He leans Ana back and she opens her eyes and says “Holy crap, he’s holding a cotton ball!” (WTF) And here I was picturing just about anything but a cotton ball. Dear God, what will he do with it? Shove it up your nose, I can only hope? Don’t let him stick it too far in your ears, he might lose it in the hollow cavity. Oh, oh, oh, what is he going to do? (BoredNow)
He takes off her makeup. Then he gives her Advil™ and she says she needs to pee and he asks if she wants him to leave then. (WTF) And Ana thinks that letting him watch her pee is a step too far. Gawd, she has standards, you know? Christian gets in his pjs but she can still see his “happy trail” (AlicePukes) and he sticks her in bed and says he expects her to be asleep when he comes back. Ana says, “It’s a threat, a command . . . it’s Christian.” (RedFlag) Aw. She drifts off to sleep, thinking about all the “progress” she’s made and no you have not in fact there has been no progress in this book at all. None, none, none, none, none! (AliceScreams) But at least the chapter ends.
Final Score: 100 – 62 – 40 = -2
Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second! Who could it be?
B. Christian’s yacht
D. Oompa Loompas
E. Who the fuck cares?