50 Shades Flunked Lesson Fourteen

Oh, Goody, here we go again.  When last we left our merry band of losers, Elliot, Christian’s brother not the kid with E.T., although that would be more interesting; had asked Kate, Ana’s slightly more intelligent friend, to marry him.  And we were left on this cliffhanger cause omg what if she says no?  Of course she’s not going to say no.  Getting married is the pinnacle of a woman’s existence.  Jeez, people.

Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it, amiright?

Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it, amiright?

My last question was a toughie cause it was Math related, which as we all know, is a subject nobody ever uses past high school.  I asked “If Christian’s peen is going 90 miles an hour and Ana’s hoo-ha is going 50 miles per hour, how long until Alice has a mental breakdown?”  I had a tie for best answer this time.  Soul Survivor said, “Let’s try Christipoo’s peen tied to the tracks while a train is traveling toward him at 90 mph and Ana’s hoo-haa is tied to the front of the train. Then we all run in the bathroom at 50 mph and hurl.”  This sounds like an excellent idea and I hope they work it into the movie adaptation somewhere, because every successful movie needs a big explosion.  The other answer I chose came from womansmdguide who said “90 divided by 50=they had sex for 1.2 minutes and then emailed about it for 3 chapters.” This woman clearly knows her 50 Shades, because that is exactly what those morons would do.

So the train . . . and the peen . . . wait . . . I'm confused.

So the train . . . and the peen . . . wait . . . I’m confused.

But back to the “story”.  Kate says yes (colored me surprised) and the whole restaurant bursts into spontaneous applause for two strangers with “cheering, catcalls, whooping” as if their favorite team just won the Superbowl or something. (Facepalm) Christian actually hugs his brother (like, isn’t that almost gay, E.L.?) and calls him “Lelliot” which is the most moronic nickname ever with the possible exception of “Fifty”. (Facepalm)  And naturally, this is the first time the nickname has appeared in three books.  Ana ponders this in her tiny brain and another synapse snaps.

The pompous dumbass orders some wine, and he and Ana talk about how she has the best taste (not in her mouth) and I think yeah, just wait till she eats asparagus (see Cosmo!)  The idiot brigade goes to “the most exclusive nightclub in Aspen” because who would go to the second most exclusive, right? (BoredNow)  And the hostess, an “attractive, leggy blonde in satin hot pants”, greets them.  Ever notice how Ana tends to describe every female in sexual terms? (AnaFail)  Ana, do you want to get into her hot pants?  Because I have to wonder about those descriptions of yours.  Maybe you’re not jealous, maybe you’re just a lesbian, and you could knock off Christian, take his money, and go flying off with Kate on an excellent adventure until the two of you get yourselves killed, which will only be a matter of time, with your combined IQs.  But it’d be fun while it lasted.  Just a thought.

I suspect it would end something like this.

I suspect it would end something like this.

Ana immediately starts calling the girl “Miss Hot Pants” (AnaFail) and Max (he had to have a name because he is intricately important to the plot because just wait) takes Ana’s coat and gives her the eye which makes Christian all pissy.  You see, I told you he was important.(AliceScreams)  Mia (Christian’s sister who is dating Kate’s brother while Kate is dating Christian’s brother, while Ana is married to Christian – in other words,  it’s one big incest-fest, guys) bounces about like a poodle that needs to be put to sleep until everyone goes out onto the dance floor. (AlicePukes)  This was all necessary plot development and not just E.L. trying to make some mythical word quota. (BoredNow)

Christian acts like a total asshole while ordering booze and Ana thinks “it’s kinda hot.” (AnaFail) Another hot waitress comes over (they are required to be hot – it’s in their contract.  Maybe this club is actually Hooters?) and Ana thinks “He’s mine, girlfriend.” (AnaFail)  Yeah, Ana, and you can keep him.  Next Romeo forces Ana to drink water because he’s kept count of how much booze she’s had (remarkable feat cause that is a hell of a lot of math there) and Ana guzzles it down in protest.  You go, girlfriend.  (AnaFail)

Ana goes out to dance and thinks (snort) about how she wasted all that time reading Jane Austin and Thomas Hardy when she could have been out drinking and dancing. (B.S.)  Because as we all know she’s, like, literary (AliceScreams) With an English degree. (B.S.) That she totally earned. (B.S.) I’m sure it had nothing to do with banging every single professor.  Remember, she was a virgin when they met. (B.S.)  A virgin who could orgasm at the drop of a hat and perform a perfect blow job.  Hmm.  Does something smell fishy?  Let’s hope, for Christian’s sake, it’s Ana who smells fishy (thanks, Cosmo!)

As seen in Cosmo

As seen in Cosmo

Ana’s out groovin’ and someone grabs her butt from behind, so of course she figures it has to be Christian since he owns it and got it trademarked and everything.  Anyway, it isn’t until others are alarmed that she turns around and sees that her buns™ are being manhandled by someone other than her husband! (AnaFail)  Zomg!  Ana suddenly becomes Wonder Woman and lassos him with her vagina of truth!  Uh, I mean, she yells and slaps him.  The guy is about to walk away when in walks, dun dun dun, SuperAsshole to protect her about five minutes too late! (RedFlag)

Christian yells at blond giant (Ana’s clever name for him) and he protests that she can defend herself, so Christian punches the guy. (RedFlag) Blond giant beats a hasty retreat because Christian has super asshole powers and he’s not getting near that shit.  Ana and Christian start dancing together, and Ana wonders why she slapped Blond giant just for feeling her up cause that’s not a crime, right?  Actually, yeah, it kinda is, moron, but then your husband commits worse crimes every single day, so whatevs, huh? (AnaFail)

This is sewius!

This is sewius!

Just to prove my point, Christian decides that sure, they’ll dance, but he’ll hold her hands behind her back and jam his pelvis into her (RedFlag).  I know that dance.  It’s called “The Molestor” and is very popular in prison. (RedFlag) They stop dancing and Christian orders Ana to drink water again. (RedFlag)  Those crazy love birds!  Ana points out that Christian could have gotten in trouble, but Christian knows he’s rich and above the law and says “No one touches what’s mine.” (Fucking Red Flag!)  Didn’t I tell you, Ana?  The butt™ thing?  Pay attention.

They get ready to leave the club.  I’m still thinking about how Christian said “No one touches what’s mine” with “chilling finality” (RedFlag he’s gonna murder you!)  but Ana has forgotten all about it.  The goldfish made it to the other side of the bowl and all is happy again! (AnaFail)  Kate tells her that she “handles” Christian well.  Like he’s a Doberman or something? (FacePalm)  If so, he needs some serious obedience training himself.  Like one of those collars that electrifies a dog if it does something wrong. Those are cruel for animals, but just what this guy needs.  And you could just press it and press it and press it and pressss ittttt!

Hey, Ana, nice necklace you got me . . . what are you doing with that remote?

Hey, Ana, nice necklace you got me . . . what are you doing with that remote?

They get home and no the chapter is still not over.  Ana is sloshed, again.  He takes her upstairs to the bathroom and Ana hears him messing around in the vanity. (RedFlag) He leans Ana back and she opens her eyes and says “Holy crap, he’s holding a cotton ball!” (WTF) And here I was picturing just about anything but a cotton ball. Dear God, what will he do with it?  Shove it up your nose, I can only hope?  Don’t let him stick it too far in your ears, he might lose it in the hollow cavity.  Oh, oh, oh, what is he going to do? (BoredNow)

He takes off her makeup.  Then he gives her Advil™ and she says she needs to pee and he asks if she wants him to leave then. (WTF)  And Ana thinks that letting him watch her pee is a step too far.  Gawd, she has standards, you know?  Christian gets in his pjs but she can still see his “happy trail” (AlicePukes) and he sticks her in bed and says he expects her to be asleep when he comes back.  Ana says, “It’s a threat, a command . . . it’s Christian.” (RedFlag) Aw.  She drifts off to sleep, thinking about all the “progress” she’s made and no you have not in fact there has been no progress in this book at all.  None, none, none, none, none! (AliceScreams) But at least the chapter ends.

Final Score: 100 – 6240 = -2
I give this two nuts down.

I give this two nuts down.

The suspense!

The suspense!

Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second!  Who could it be?

A. Bigfoot

B. Christian’s yacht

C. Leila

D. Oompa Loompas

E. Who the fuck cares?

Leave your answer below!

49 responses

  1. E- Who the fuck cares because they will either be just as messed up as the rest or think that Ana is a genius for ‘taming’ that freak of a man.
    How many books of hers do you have to read before your task is finished and you can rest?

    1. This is the last one. The last one. It damn sure better be the last one. Last verse, same as the first. But worse.

  2. Oompa Loompas! Please say it’s Oompa Loompas!

    I spit my coffee at “You go, girlfriend.”

    1. I think Oompa Loompas would really help this book out. Maybe they could drown Christian and Ana in chocolate.

  3. This was such an amazing chapter of shitkickery. It really serves the plot well because the plot is about…um…hot pants? I’m uncertain at this point because my husband hasn’t told me what to think. The correct answer to the quiz is f) ambien.

    1. I like your answer. Better to sleep it off than tax your brain. That’s what husbands are for! Be sure you always ask him – or your dad – before commenting on any post, just like Ana.

  4. I felt the same way reading the books the first time. So, in true fuck-tard fashion… I read them again. I wasn’t as critical the second time. There were some silly… OK many… OK most of the trilogy was silly, but it just has that ‘something’s that other really great books don’t. If I knew what the hell that something was… I’d be E.L. Rich.

  5. I felt like this after reading them the first time. And in true fuck-tard fashion I read them again. They did get better the second time; I wasn’t as critical. Those damn books have some ‘it’ thing that some really great books lack. Is it shock value? Who knows. If I did I’d be E.L. Rich!

    1. Shock value? I was pretty shocked it was that stupid. For the first few pages. And I admit that for some reason, I continue to be shocked to the depths she manages to sink with each chapter. Surely she can’t make Christian more assholish or Ana more bitchy and pathetic – oh, wait, there she goes!

  6. You’re hilarious! I have to wonder how you can bring yourself to read this series though. Are you getting paid to do it? If so, I hope it’s a lot!

    1. No, I’m just an idiot who doesn’t know when to quit. Never give up, never surrender! I don’t think there is enough money to actually pay someone to read this. Although I do wonder if E.L. paid people for some of the positive reviews on Amazon. I have to believe this. It restores my faith in humanity.

  7. I think the answer is All of the Above. It would make for a more interesting story, but still no one would care!

    A “friend” on FB wrote on her wall yesterday, “Oh my god, I need to go to sleep, but I can’t put this book down! It is so action-packed!” So someone asked her “What book?” And I bet you can guess what she answered – “50 Shades of Grey!” I puked in my mouth a little, but held my tongue. People who love these books don’t want to hear the truth about them and will always just think you’re jealous. Little do they realize that they are idiots! I often wonder about women who like these books and I also wonder if they are really reading them – because CHEESE AND RICE, THESE GODDAMNED BOOKS!

    1. Action . . . packed? Wait, what? Action, where? Where did I miss that?

    2. And you still call this person a friend. You have a higher tolerance rate than most people would.

  8. You’ve made my Monday! Great job!

    1. Why, thank you. About to check out your blog.

  9. As we share the same favorite character, I can only say, “Go Leila go!” Though I seem to very vaguely remember she ceases to become worth anything, like everything James touches. Or I could be making new memories in my mind. We got Girl Scout cookies and ever since I opened that first damned box of Singapore Slings (or as they are known to the world, Savannah Smiles, but my name is better ’cause it’s liquor) I have been useless.

    Good morning, Alice!

    1. I know. I can’t believe she didn’t let Leila kill them. I mean, they just stood out there in the open, all the time. I think Taylor purposely lets them do that, then gets all disappointed when no one follows through on their threats.

  10. Dear Alice, I don’t know what to say! I’m so flattered. It’s almost like being young and premed again, getting the right answers. It never happens now in real life, but I was a math major once upon a time.

    1. I am duly impressed. Math was only a major pain for me.

      1. Well, I am zero help to the kids on their homework now. Like I really use geometry to get people pregnant. It’s a pretty linear profession. In. Out.

        1. If only you’d written that down with a bunch of grammatical errors and you could be a millionaire!

  11. It has to be the White Rabbit. He has to show up with a can of whoop-ass for EL James.

  12. F) Prodigy shows up and performs “Smack My Bitch Up” and Christipoo goes all rage against the butt plug because that’s his job. Or something.

    1. I could see “Smack My Bitch Up” being “their song”. It’s so special.

  13. Leave me out of it! I can do without another fungal infection.


    1. So sorry, Bigfoot. I know you’ve got enough trouble with those guys on that stupid reality show hunting you down.

  14. E. The wonder pet was the best part of this whole chapter. Are the Wonderpets going to rescue Anna?

    1. Are they going to rescue me? This is SEWIUS. Wait, I’m not a baby animal with neglectful parents, so I guess not.

  15. “Holy crap, he’s holding a cotton ball!” bwhahahahaa!

    The answer is F. I don’t know, for I am a mere woman who does not have a man to wield terrifying cotton balls and tell me what I think.

    1. I was reading that part and going – wtf, he’s got her bent over and he’s rattling in the medicine cabinet and dramatic tension and . . . he gets a freaking cotton ball? I hate you E.L. James! My husband and father told me I could!

  16. I think the answer is G: All of the above. Which includes any previous commenter’s suggestions for answer F.

    I wonder what would happen if Christipoo were the one tied up and Ana the one weilding the, er, implements? I really don’t get it how she’ll let him do what he does but she doesn’t like the idea of his watching her go to the loo. Given that she does that on command anyway…

    1. I’m sure if Christian got all whiny about it, she’d give in and let him play in the stream.

      1. Would that be a stream as in clean, running water in picturesque surroundings, or as we’re talking EL James, a whole different interpretation of “water sports”?

        1. E.L. James def of water sports, sadly. I really, really thought when he told her “don’t pee” she was going to get into that stuff and I was freaking out big time.

          1. Should we be pleased that she seems to have standards? Hmmn… No, I think we’ll just still be very scared (and scarred) by how bad her writing is.

  17. E, naturally although I would happily see Hitler make an appearance, you know because of the alien time travel and the ray guns and stuff that he has on the moon.

    1. That would make so much more sense than what I’m reading.

  18. Can’t be Oompa loompas (though I wish!), Willy Wonka would never let THOSE crazies into his factory! So probably Leila, cause I don’t know who that is and she was probably added randomly to the story like Max!

    1. I interviewed Leila a couple of times, last book. Go back and find the interviews and study up, girl! :d

      1. Ohh… see, I’m good at recent stuff! That whole studying thing? Yeah…

  19. […] 50 Shades Flunked Lesson Fourteen […]

  20. It’s got to be Squirrel – he can steal Christipoos nuts and then nibble on Ana instead.

  21. I know I’ve read the books. But for the life of me, I don’t remember much of it, except for Ana’s inner goddess because I definitely remember thinking: I’m going to throttle your inner goddess the next time she swoons. In the next chapter, Leila shows up…? Who the hell is Leila?

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