50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Fifteen

I just checked out the table of contents and WOOOT there are ten more chapters.  We are more than half-way through, you guyz!  I’m sure we can get through this.  I mean, how much worse can it get, right?  Right?

But first let’s look at last week’s burning question, you know, that kind of burning you cure with pharmaceuticals in the “down there.”  The question was “Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second!  Who could it be?” And the possible answers were the totally plausible A) Bigfoot, B. Christian’s yacht, C. Leila, D. Oompa Loompas, E) Who the fuck cares?

nobody cares

As usual, most of you bombed.  Bueller, Bueller, Bueller!  Some of you made up your own answers to the multiple choice question, which must have been a great strategy while taking your SATs.  In case you didn’t notice, no there wasn’t an F or a G, but nice try.  The answer was not “Ambien”, “The White Rabbit”, “All of the Above”, “Prodigy shows up and performs “Smack My Bitch Up” and Christipoo goes all rage against the buttplug.”, or “Squirrel”.  Points for creativity, though!  No, the answer was Leila, who if you recall was one of my favorite characters in the last book.  You don’t?  Well go back and read.  I’ll wait.

Okay, so congrats to Ruby Tuesday for giving us the right answer.  Though those of you who chose “Who the Fuck Cares?” were technically right as well.  But I’m just killing time here, and not getting to this fabulous recap.

Chapter 15 begins with Christipoo wrapped around Ana like a boa constrictor again, and oh wow this is so cool because she has never given us this description before EVER.  (AliceScreams)  Ana tells him he makes her feel “cherished” (AlicePukes). Yeah, cherish is the word I use to describe that love, all right.  Yup.  Christian notices Ana’s red hand (from slapping a guy – sadly not Christian) and gets all pissy about him touching his property again and Ana teases him by reminding him how his palm used to get all red from spanking the shit out of her. (RedFlag, AnaFail, WTF) He tells her he could “reacquaint her with that feeling” because, you know, nearly getting assaulted certainly deserves punishment, right? (RedFlag) I mean . . . just wtf am I reading?

Haha, remember that time?  Ah, we do have fun.

Haha, remember that time? Ah, we do have fun.

Ana just poo poos that threat, and he kisses her palm, and just like Mommy, he makes the pain all go away! (WTF) I’m not even touching that one.  And then suddenly Christian is telling Ana he wants her to fight him in bed and Ana’s little brain can’t figure this one out.  Personally, I think she should have started fighting back a long time ago, but then again, it is tough to do when you’re tied up and blindfolded, and he’s armed with whips and whatnot. (RedFlag) So Ana wonders if he’ll hurt her, but her inner goddess (I.Q. Negative 145) says “never”.  Yeah, not since like, um, was it yesterday or the day before?

So then, this is just gross.  I’m going to go read Paddington Bear, you guys.  Sigh.  Okay.  She swigs some water, and spits it into his mouth. (AlicePukes)  And then they have this little rape fantasy thing where she tries to fight him but he’s too strong not that she wants to fight him but he told her to so I’m not seeing how he’s getting a thrill out of this since he knows she’d drink lighter fluid and torch herself if he told her it was a new “game.” (WTF)

Sounds like fun, right, Ana?

Ana, I’ve got an idea for a new game!

After it’s finally freaking over, Christian tells Ana she “confounds” him (AliceScreams) and Ana thinks about poor abused little boy Christipoo (AliceScreams) and they have sex again off screen.  And then a whole bunch of nothing happens.  Really.  Nothing.

Yeah, that.

Yeah, that.

They leave Aspen.  Ana asks if he misses caning her.  I’d sure like to, but he says no, cause he’s been cured by Anavagina.  And then . . . but of course.  Email. (AliceScreams)

Shit.

Shit.

Ana’s assistant tries to distract her from her email with, you know, her freaking editing job, but Ana tells her to wait a minute, so we can get back to the emails. (AliceScreams) 

Wait, not again!

Wait, not again!

Then she gets a message about some other work thingy, like an author meeting or something stupid, and she waves her off, and back to the emails, cause witty banter, you guyz! (AliceScreams)

New kitty, move down

New kitty, move down

Finally, Ana is interrupted again by something that actually interests her.  Turns out Leila is there to see her!  Good old Leila, who stalked and tried to kill her before going all cuckoo right in her apartment.  Yeah, that Leila!  Ana thinks, “Fuck.  What does she want?”

I have one thing to say.  Go, Leila, go!

Final Score: 100 –18 120 = -38
Don't let us down again, Leila.

Don’t let us down again, Leila.

Get ready!

Get ready!

In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing:

A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again

B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again

D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word.

E) All of the above please kill me now.

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47 responses

  1. I am too confused to answer your question. However, I need to congratulate you on the abridged recap. Fluffing the post out with photos is another effective way of leaving less for us to suffer through.

    If we behave, will you make the less recap even shorter?

    1. The next one is longer, bwahahahahahaha.

      1. I just realized that you are just like Mr. Grey. We are your submissives, whom you torture mercilessly with these posts. Yet, we always come back again for more.

        Oh, crap. That makes us just like Ana.

  2. Are these 50 shades books? I really need to read these.

      1. Will they make me blush? Ir be sorry I spent my time on them?

        1. Yes. You’ll blush because you’ll be like “I read this crap?” And you’ll be sorry you spent your time on them, so sorry you will make stupid recaps and bitch the entire time. Or maybe that’s just me. 😀

  3. Since everything in this book is repetitive, I’m going with E. Since everything in this book is repetitive, I’m going with E. Oh wait, did I say that already? EL James must be controlling my mind through your recaps! Her inner goddess and subconcious are creeping into my mind! AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    1. It’s true. Sort of like that movie “The Ring” where you watch the video and then you fall in a well, or something. Also, I just realized I didn’t give a “C” answer at all. Whoops.

      1. Hahahaha! I didn’t notice you skipped C! Darn it! Now I wish I picked C 🙂

  4. F. A frontal lobotomy while simultaneously being anal probed by aliens hellbent on world domination.

    1. I bet Ana would like that, except there’d be no need for the lobotomy.

      1. Maybe, maybe not. Either way both things need to happen to her.

        1. I concur. Like a doctor. That kind of doctor.

  5. I’ll be a good little student this week and pick D. Oh, wait, erase…a normal book would go from wacko showing up at the end of one chapter to being at the beginning of the next chapter, but this book isn’t normal, so I’m going with, uh, hmmm, well, A. No B. B is it, totally. I go with B, final answer.

    1. “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Me. I’ll just write take something I wrote at 13 and throw in nauseating sex scenes, a psychopathic hero, and a dishrag heroine. Woot!

      1. Recipe for success. Got EL a book deal, a movie deal, and a musical deal. I’m so glad we have such wonderful writers to look up to these days *snark. I mean, Toni Morrison, Edith Wharton, Harper Lee…sheesh, such amateurs. And our parents thought they had it good.

        1. She also has a classical music soundtrack! I am going to write a sequel to 50 Shades. I’m calling it “To Kill a Beloved Psychopath in The Age of Kinkiness.” That way I get in all the classics too.

          1. Why don’t you write a sequel? Seriously. It’ll need a cheesy name, but you could counter this BS with some role reversal. Make the woman like Christian and the man like Ana, and I bet then we could actually get a real conversation going about the actual underlying issue of this series.

          2. I like it. Even better would be to switch one of them with a wolverine and the other one with a clown. No, that might be even more disturbing.

            Seriously, I think you have a good point there. I can just imagine all the people screaming about him being “whipped”. I love that word, don’t you? Grrr.

          3. Can you imagine the outrage?! And the double outrage when you point out the exact parallel with 50 Shades of shit?

  6. The correct answer is D, which incidentally is the correct answer for every chapter in this book because every chapter contains the same goddamn thing. My only question for you is this: did Christian have his pants hanging on his hips in that way?

    1. Oh I’m sure he must have. They always hang that way. I wonder if they hang off his hips like pants hang on a hanger? If so, his hips are weird. Or maybe it’s just that he is one of those rapper types and buys his pants three sizes too big so they almost fall around his ankles. That’s sexy and very businesslike too.

  7. It can’t be D because that would suggest continuity and WTF does E L James know about writing a book. I’m going with non-existent C – the answer lies in its inherent nothingness

    1. C is always a safe answer, even when it doesn’t exist.

  8. E.
    Go Alice for getting this far! Woot! *pomp pomp*
    Hey do you want to write a horrible book about nothing and become a millionaire?!

    1. I think we should totally coauthor it. Though as womansmdguide points out, we will probably needs lots of booze. I’m thinking awesomeville, though.

  9. Has to be E because don’t those happen in all the other chapters?

    1. Not like E.L. to be repetitive or something.

  10. This is in reply to Miss Four Eyes: I tried in high school but got too bored. It turns out you have to be drunk.

  11. I attended a book club meeting the other night, and our conversation somehow steered to these books. I was surprised that out of the group, only a couple of us hadn’t read this series. I was the odd woman out for sure. And I think I’ll stay that way.

    1. I sure would. I can’t believe book clubs are discussing this book. I would love to see the discussion questions.

      1. Well, they weren’t discussing that book (they were discussing mine), but it came up anyway. 🙂

        1. I’ve actually heard of people discussing this in book clubs and it blows my mind. That must be interesting having them discuss your book! Don’t invite Vlad. (I noticed there are already 2 comments under his review telling him he’s a dork, btw.)

          1. I saw that! It’s nice people like that who cancel out the not-as-nice.

  12. Why am I only just now noticing that in the picture of ‘Leila’ with the gun, her boobs look really, really weird?

    1. OMG, I just saw that too! It’s like they’re kind of sideways.

  13. Where were you when I read, to my great and lasting embarrassment, the first volume of the 50 Shades book last year?? You would’ve made it bearable at least! Oh, and my answer would be E, but in addition to “please kill me now” can we go ahead and kill all of the characters too? Wait, maybe that’s what happens in the final chapter! One can only hope.

    1. Oh, I know the feeling! I’ve just found a lot of blogs doing the same thing with Twilight and I’m going – where were you when I suffered so? I swear, I used to search the internet forever looking for some sort of parody. Now they’re here. Now. Huh.

      I really, really hope the final chapter involves some sort of fiery explosion. That would be great. If only the bad guys weren’t somehow even stupider than the main characters.

  14. Again, it’s probably E, but also possibly D.

    Or F? A whole bunch of tiny rabid giraffes escape from Ericka Clay’s blog http://creativeliar.com/ and eat the characters.

    1. Tiny rabid giraffes? I have to hit up Ericka and see if see wants to help with my new kid’s TV show. That would be perfect! And we could have an episode with them eating all the annoying characters in literature!

      1. You should totally team up with Ericka. Just don’t let the world find out that it was I who caused the combination…!

        1. I looked on her blog and I could not find the tiny rabid giraffes!

          1. She did a post a while back titled “a post that’s not so much a post as a tiny rabid giraffe” or something like that. She’s mostly posting short stories just now that are scarily good, but there is the occasional more eccentric offering. I recommend her as a good blogger to follow, anyway.

          2. Am following now, yes. I will find the rabid giraffes, by golly.

  15. Oo, I might actually get this one right! D, because 2 of the answers seemed right. Or at least that IS how the SATs used to work…

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