I just checked out the table of contents and WOOOT there are ten more chapters. We are more than half-way through, you guyz! I’m sure we can get through this. I mean, how much worse can it get, right? Right?
But first let’s look at last week’s burning question, you know, that kind of burning you cure with pharmaceuticals in the “down there.” The question was “Next chapter, my favoritest character shows up at the last second! Who could it be?” And the possible answers were the totally plausible A) Bigfoot, B. Christian’s yacht, C. Leila, D. Oompa Loompas, E) Who the fuck cares?
As usual, most of you bombed. Bueller, Bueller, Bueller! Some of you made up your own answers to the multiple choice question, which must have been a great strategy while taking your SATs. In case you didn’t notice, no there wasn’t an F or a G, but nice try. The answer was not “Ambien”, “The White Rabbit”, “All of the Above”, “Prodigy shows up and performs “Smack My Bitch Up” and Christipoo goes all rage against the buttplug.”, or “Squirrel”. Points for creativity, though! No, the answer was Leila, who if you recall was one of my favorite characters in the last book. You don’t? Well go back and read. I’ll wait.
Okay, so congrats to Ruby Tuesday for giving us the right answer. Though those of you who chose “Who the Fuck Cares?” were technically right as well. But I’m just killing time here, and not getting to this fabulous recap.
Chapter 15 begins with Christipoo wrapped around Ana like a boa constrictor again, and oh wow this is so cool because she has never given us this description before EVER. (AliceScreams) Ana tells him he makes her feel “cherished” (AlicePukes). Yeah, cherish is the word I use to describe that love, all right. Yup. Christian notices Ana’s red hand (from slapping a guy – sadly not Christian) and gets all pissy about him touching his property again and Ana teases him by reminding him how his palm used to get all red from spanking the shit out of her. (RedFlag, AnaFail, WTF) He tells her he could “reacquaint her with that feeling” because, you know, nearly getting assaulted certainly deserves punishment, right? (RedFlag) I mean . . . just wtf am I reading?
Ana just poo poos that threat, and he kisses her palm, and just like Mommy, he makes the pain all go away! (WTF) I’m not even touching that one. And then suddenly Christian is telling Ana he wants her to fight him in bed and Ana’s little brain can’t figure this one out. Personally, I think she should have started fighting back a long time ago, but then again, it is tough to do when you’re tied up and blindfolded, and he’s armed with whips and whatnot. (RedFlag) So Ana wonders if he’ll hurt her, but her inner goddess (I.Q. Negative 145) says “never”. Yeah, not since like, um, was it yesterday or the day before?
So then, this is just gross. I’m going to go read Paddington Bear, you guys. Sigh. Okay. She swigs some water, and spits it into his mouth. (AlicePukes) And then they have this little rape fantasy thing where she tries to fight him but he’s too strong not that she wants to fight him but he told her to so I’m not seeing how he’s getting a thrill out of this since he knows she’d drink lighter fluid and torch herself if he told her it was a new “game.” (WTF)
After it’s finally freaking over, Christian tells Ana she “confounds” him (AliceScreams) and Ana thinks about poor abused little boy Christipoo (AliceScreams) and they have sex again off screen. And then a whole bunch of nothing happens. Really. Nothing.
They leave Aspen. Ana asks if he misses caning her. I’d sure like to, but he says no, cause he’s been cured by Anavagina. And then . . . but of course. Email. (AliceScreams)
Ana’s assistant tries to distract her from her email with, you know, her freaking editing job, but Ana tells her to wait a minute, so we can get back to the emails. (AliceScreams)
Then she gets a message about some other work thingy, like an author meeting or something stupid, and she waves her off, and back to the emails, cause witty banter, you guyz! (AliceScreams)
Finally, Ana is interrupted again by something that actually interests her. Turns out Leila is there to see her! Good old Leila, who stalked and tried to kill her before going all cuckoo right in her apartment. Yeah, that Leila! Ana thinks, “Fuck. What does she want?”
I have one thing to say. Go, Leila, go!
Final Score: 100 –18 – 120 = -38
In Chapter 16, we will all get the joy of experiencing:
A) Ana trussed up like a pig . . . again
B) Christian being a total asshole and Ana showing spine for two seconds only to lose it to sexy power . . . again
D) A psycho ex-submissive with fluttery eyelashes yammering on way too long about absolutely nothing while we are all held prisoner for every single word.
E) All of the above please kill me now.