An Alice Valentine’s Day Special

Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day!

I just realized yesterday that Valentine’s Day was today.  That’s how special this day is to me, you guyz.  So I figured since I’d done a special on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, that I might as well do one for Valentine’s Day as well.  Even though it’s a suck holiday, it’s still a holiday.  I mean, there’s a Charlie Brown special for it and everything.

Remember the Charlie Brown special?  I don’t.  Except that there was this little red headed girl he liked that didn’t know he existed.  And I’m pretty sure no one gave him any Valentines.  Because that kid’s life sucked.  He probably spent most of his free time plotting how to get even. I’d like to write a sequel where he sends Lucy a Valentine filled with Anthrax or something.

Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine. We’ll see who messes with the football now . . .

Whoops, this post suddenly turned dark.  Sorry about that. Speaking of dark, do you like dark chocolate?  Why?  It’s not sweet.  I don’t get that.

Where was I?  Oh, right, Valentine’s Day.  Well, maybe I should give you some of the history behind this historic day.  You see, there was this guy named Saint Valentine.  He was a saint because he suffered for years stamping tiny little messages on the most horrible candy ever invented – those little candy hearts.  I hate those things.

Does ANYONE actually like these candies?

After a while, it started getting to him, all the “Lover Boy”, “Call Me”, and “UR Kind” messages.  He figured there had to be something better than that.  So he invented the greeting card.  These cards had sappy poems and messages of love that couldn’t fit on a tiny piece of chalk-like candy.  They usually had pictures of roses on the cover, and cost more than a gallon of milk, which would arguably last much longer but somehow is not as romantic.

But after a while, Valentine got bored with the cards too, so he let his brother-in-law, Saint Hallmark, take over while he sought out the next best thing.  Something that was more useless than cards or chalk candy, and killed a living thing for no real reason.  Flowers!  Yes, he plucked those suckers up out of the ground and stuck them in a vase and charged like 50 bucks a pop for the things. Saint Valentine was a genius.

Hey, remember how these flowers were living? I fixed that.

Later, he dabbled in real candy, like chocolate.  People liked chocolate a lot better.  Yet they still buy those little stamped candies for some unknown reason.  They also buy flowers and cards.  Well, the men do, because they know that the women in their lives will get seriously pissed if they don’t.  It really doesn’t matter if we like chocolate or roses or cards.  We just want them because, well, Cosmo tells us that if we don’t get them, our guy is not that into us.  It’s in a quiz and everything.

Also, and this is only a theory, but there are some who thinks Saint Valentine was really a woman in disguise.  She came up with this holiday to bring about the doom of men who had already forgotten to buy birthday, Christmas, and anniversary presents for their sweethearts.  Is it true?  Is any of this?  Heck if I know.  That reminds me – I forgot to get my husband anything for this dumb holiday.  Hey, I know, the perfect thing.   This site sells candies that have real sayings like “U LEFT SEATUP” and “DORKA PHOBIC”.

You have to love candy that reminds your significant other to put the lid down.