An Alice Valentine’s Day Special

Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day!

Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day!

I just realized yesterday that Valentine’s Day was today.  That’s how special this day is to me, you guyz.  So I figured since I’d done a special on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, that I might as well do one for Valentine’s Day as well.  Even though it’s a suck holiday, it’s still a holiday.  I mean, there’s a Charlie Brown special for it and everything.

Remember the Charlie Brown special?  I don’t.  Except that there was this little red headed girl he liked that didn’t know he existed.  And I’m pretty sure no one gave him any Valentines.  Because that kid’s life sucked.  He probably spent most of his free time plotting how to get even. I’d like to write a sequel where he sends Lucy a Valentine filled with Anthrax or something.

Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine.  We'll see who messes with the football now . . .

Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine. We’ll see who messes with the football now . . .

Whoops, this post suddenly turned dark.  Sorry about that. Speaking of dark, do you like dark chocolate?  Why?  It’s not sweet.  I don’t get that.

Where was I?  Oh, right, Valentine’s Day.  Well, maybe I should give you some of the history behind this historic day.  You see, there was this guy named Saint Valentine.  He was a saint because he suffered for years stamping tiny little messages on the most horrible candy ever invented – those little candy hearts.  I hate those things.

Does ANYONE actually like these candies?

Does ANYONE actually like these candies?

After a while, it started getting to him, all the “Lover Boy”, “Call Me”, and “UR Kind” messages.  He figured there had to be something better than that.  So he invented the greeting card.  These cards had sappy poems and messages of love that couldn’t fit on a tiny piece of chalk-like candy.  They usually had pictures of roses on the cover, and cost more than a gallon of milk, which would arguably last much longer but somehow is not as romantic.

But after a while, Valentine got bored with the cards too, so he let his brother-in-law, Saint Hallmark, take over while he sought out the next best thing.  Something that was more useless than cards or chalk candy, and killed a living thing for no real reason.  Flowers!  Yes, he plucked those suckers up out of the ground and stuck them in a vase and charged like 50 bucks a pop for the things. Saint Valentine was a genius.

Hey, remember how these flowers were living?  I fixed that.

Hey, remember how these flowers were living? I fixed that.

Later, he dabbled in real candy, like chocolate.  People liked chocolate a lot better.  Yet they still buy those little stamped candies for some unknown reason.  They also buy flowers and cards.  Well, the men do, because they know that the women in their lives will get seriously pissed if they don’t.  It really doesn’t matter if we like chocolate or roses or cards.  We just want them because, well, Cosmo tells us that if we don’t get them, our guy is not that into us.  It’s in a quiz and everything.

Also, and this is only a theory, but there are some who thinks Saint Valentine was really a woman in disguise.  She came up with this holiday to bring about the doom of men who had already forgotten to buy birthday, Christmas, and anniversary presents for their sweethearts.  Is it true?  Is any of this?  Heck if I know.  That reminds me – I forgot to get my husband anything for this dumb holiday.  Hey, I know, the perfect thing.   This site sells candies that have real sayings like “U LEFT SEATUP” and “DORKA PHOBIC”.

You can actually buy these at the above link.  Sooo tempted.

You have to love candy that reminds your significant other to put the lid down.

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38 responses

  1. Love, love, love this post! Happy Valentine’s Day 🙂

    1. Thanks! Happy V Day to you too (that sounds like an alien holiday, hmm.)

  2. Dark chocolate is sweet! It just doesn’t have that unnecessary milk added to get in the way of the pure delight of chocolate and sugar united.

    And I remembered because Princess Fartypants reminded me over and over and over…

    1. It is NOT sweet. It tastes like baking chocolate. Blech.

      Thing Two also reminded us and is extremely put out that everyone didn’t go whole hog and decorate the place in pink streamers, have heart cakes, and give her special Valentine clothes.

  3. I would like candy hearts with different STDs on them – the words not the drippy stuff that comes from having them.

    1. That could be fun. HERPES, GON-O-REA, U GOT VD, ANA (there should be an STD named after her).

          1. Us clever librarians could do this all day…

          2. We totally could. LIBRARIANS R SXY.

          3. Wow. This turned incredibly creepy.

          4. I’ll remember that next time I’m in Wonderland.

  4. White chocolate > milk chocolate > dark chocolate Of course, I think they go in opposite order of healthiness. Then again, it’s chocolate. if you were that concerned about healthiness, you’d eat a salad.

    1. Good point. Why doesn’t salad taste better? If greens tasted like chocolate, I would be a very good little rabbit.

      1. You could always pour chocolate sauce on salad. That’s still healthy, right?

  5. I want some of those Bittersweets!
    And how can you discriminate between chocolate, Alice?! So what if it’s dark. It is chocolate. All chocolates are equal. They are all equally delicious. Except fruit flavored ones, those are just plain weird.

    1. No, no, we should celebrate the fruity ones too – celebrate the rainbowwww!

      I just really don’t like the taste of the dark chocolate – too bitter. I like white chocolate, although it’s not technically chocolate. And of course I’ll eat dark chocolate if that’s all there is – I mean, I’m not crazy. 😀

    2. I just realized I’m a candy racist.

      1. Haha! On the bright side, you and I could finish an entire box of valentine chocolates. You can have the weird fruity ones (what is with the cherry stuff?!) and I can have the dark 🙂

  6. My eyes roll 4 U! Room of Pain…is that what it is? Did I flunk? Room of Pain or Die. U Need Bootcamp. I’m trying. Those little candies are pretty bad, I agree. But, I do like the chocolate part. I buy my husband candy so I can have some! That about sums up the holiday for me. But Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Alice!

    1. I buy my husband chocolate for the exact same reason! Aw, he brought me killed flowers! That was sweet of him.

      1. My husband won’t buy me dying plants! Actually, I wouldn’t mind. I’m ridiculous that way.

        1. Yeah, I liked the flowers, of course. I’m a smartass.

  7. Funny post, Alice. The Dumped and Dejected Bittersweets from Despair Inc. are worth looking in to for next year. Happy belated V Day to you.

    1. To you too. I think those candies are great! Well, I’m sure they’d still taste horrible, but at least they’d be amusing.

  8. Wow. This post was very educational. I wasn’t aware that was the origin of VD. Thank you for enlightening me. You are a giver. 🙂

    1. I try. I also find it amusing that the initials of Valentine’s Day are the same as Venereal Disease. Coincidence? I think not.

  9. Hey, I actually like conversation hearts. I think I’m the only one, though. I’ve been made fun of before for liking them, lol.

  10. Yeah, valentine’s day is horribly over-rated.

    It should actually be re-named something like “grisly death day” given that there were I think three men called Valentine, all of whom were martyred in some disgustingly colourful fashion that wouldn’t be out of place on an episode of CSI. Plus the Church of England celebrates another two martyrs on the 14th Feb, Cyril and Methodius, both of whom also died in suitably interesting ways.

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