A Three Hour Tour from Hell

I have to tell you people – that was not what I was expecting in a cruise.  Did you realize that Carnival had been having a wee bit of trouble lately?  And by wee, I mean wee wee, of course.  And poop.  Poop deck took on new meaning on that fateful trip after the engines caught on fire and apparently burned down all the toilets.  Or something.  But it wasn’t all bad, because the passengers were given bags to poop in – sort of like treat bags from a party, but not!

The trip was so bad, the passengers were thrilled to dock in Alabama, folks.  Carnival realized this was a PR nightmare that they’d done wrong, especially since the ship had allegedly been having some mechanical troubles before all of this (oopsies!) and so refunded passengers their cruise fair, gave them 500 buckeroos, and best of all, gave them vouchers for a free cruise in the future!  I bet they all couldn’t wait to use those!

Can't wait to go again . . .image from thestarphoenix.com

Can’t wait to go again . . .
image from thestarphoenix.com

Suffice it to say, I did not realize this had happened.  I thought I was getting a super good deal.  Since Carnival had to recall so many ships, they only had this one kind of creaky ship left.  But hey, it was cheap and the crew seemed so friendly, especially that Skipper guy and his little buddy.  So I went ahead.

This was a big mistake.

Looks sturdy enough.

Looks sturdy enough.

So we were just sailing around, a three hour tour they said.  Got that?  A three hour tour.  And then this storm hit, and bang, the tiny ship was tossed, and I tossed my cookies right on this movie star’s dress.  Then the ship crashed on a deserted island.  I’m not sure how we managed to get to a deserted island when we were just going on a short tour, but I’m no navigator.  Neither was the Skipper, it turns out.

So we all got out and unloaded our luggage.  There was this millionaire couple aboard who had a ton of luggage, but not quite as much as that movie star gal.  Just how much did they need for a few hours?  I’m not sure why the millionaires were on this cheap cruise.  Or the movie star.  They were really big whiners.  The millionaire guy hit his head and kept mistaking me for his “lovey”.

There was also a girl named Mary-Ann who wore pigtails and chased after this professor guy.  I don’t know what his name was.  They just called him the professor.  He was pretty cool, inventing all this crap while we waited for Carnival or somebody competent to come rescue us.  Of course, I couldn’t quite figure out how this professor guy was able to build us all huts and stuff in a few hours but couldn’t fix the boat.  Eh, no matter.

I'm sure that boat was really hard to fix, professor . . .

I’m sure that boat was really hard to fix, professor . . .

The worst part of the voyage, though, was this Gilligan guy.  He kept screwing everything up.  Eventually, we had a meeting about it around the campfire and voted him off the island.  The hard way.  Then we ate the s’mores that Mary Ann had thoughtfully packed for us.  That Skipper guy ate way more than his share.

Just when I thought were going to start voting more people off the island (my bet was on that millionaire and his wife), we saw a plane!  Yes!  Rescue!  Sadly, no.  The plane crashed and all these weird people got out.  We had another meeting and voted off some of the most annoying people right away.  The doctor got to stay, because doctors are useful, and not because he was cute.  We also kept that Sawyer guy, because . . . well, because.  But that girl annoyed me, so I went all jiujitsu on her. (Oh, yeah, the island had special powers.  One guy got to walk again and I got ninja moves.)

Sawyer was totally needed, you guyz.

Sawyer was totally needed, you guyz.

I was really starting to dig my new superpowers too, but then an actual rescue ship spotted the burning plane wreckage and had to come and save us.  As it turned out, the people on the plane were already dead, and so were my fellow cruise members, so apparently I had spent a few days in Purgatory without even knowing it.

But all’s well that ends well, and I did finally get home and vowed to never leave the comforts of my trusty computer again.  I will start back with my somewhat irregular (snicker) posting (Monday / Wednesday / Friday) on Monday, with the latest recap of 50 Shades of Poop Decks.  Oh, and, yes, this story is totally true.  So glad you guys warned me about Carnival with your cryptic messages (How was I supposed to unlock those puzzles?  Bring a porta-potty?  Am I some sort of wizard here?)  You guys are swell.  To thank you, I have some free cruise tickets, if anyone wants them.

Have fun!

Have fun!

37 responses

  1. Great, now I am going to have Eddie Money stuck in my head all day…

    1. Two tickets to paradiiiiise . . .

  2. Oh Lordy when I was a wee tike, I use to watch Gilligans Island and was in love with the Professor…but hell when Sawyer came along… I positively wanted to get lost in his eyes…his arms..his…ok going now.

    1. Ha! Yeah, I really liked first season Lost. Then it got . . . really weird. And all the flashbacks and flash forwards and after a while the writers were just making stuff up as they went along. I lost interest some time in season two. But I still think Sawyer’s cute.

      And I had a thing for the professor too. Then again, I’ve always had a thing for professors in general. Teach meeeee . . .

  3. My 10 year old is currently obsessed with watching Gillian’s Island – I think the professor’s name was probably ‘Leland’ or ‘Eugene’ or ‘Bob’.

    1. Or Sigmund. Or Percy. Or Generic.

          1. I like boy-girl names… so he’d be much sexier as a

          2. Oh, we need to have a contest for this. Professor names. Seymour Smartypants. Or for the boy-girl names – Logan Longitude.

          3. Bring it on – I love naming things!!

            Erasmus Erudite

          4. Ivan Intellegistov – he’s Russian!

          5. I have a thing for Russians – slurp.

          6. This could make an awesome blog post. We could have people come up with the best name – saying they are better than we are – and then award the winner, um, something islandish. Like sand.

  4. On one hand I have this thing about NOT wanting to be on a boat with poop floating around everywhere. On the other hand Sawyer….

    1. This is why crash landing on an island can be a good thing. As long as you get to vote people off.

  5. So you’re saying it was purgatory the whole time?

    1. Sometimes I think a large portion of my life is Purgatory.

      1. Maybe life is just a long dream we have while we’re in the womb…and we’re about to wake up.

  6. Such experiences you’ve suffered. I hope the millionaire at least gave you some money…

    1. No, but I stole his luggage. 😀

  7. Sorry, Alice. I gave you too much credit when I told you to take a portable toilet. Next time I’ll straight up tell you, “DON’T GO! DON’T YOU WATCH THE NEWS!!!” and smack you upside the head like that dude from NCIS.

    1. I don’t like the news. It’s like one big downer.

      1. Yeah, I don’t watch voluntarily.

  8. Frankly your trip sounded ace. I’d sit in my own poop for a bit if I got Ninja powers too – I mean. who’s gonna tell you you stink when you can kick their ass!?

    1. Exactly! Ninja powers are great. Also, I love their duds.

  9. Oh my god. You’re a nut. I’m glad you survived. Taking a cruise now-a-days is taking your poop, I mean life, in your own hands.

    1. Worse, its putting it in the hands of others.

    2. I know. Thank goodness they had slot machines everywhere – including the bathrooms. I’d have never survived!

  10. So, it was a good trip then?

  11. When my mom was in labor with me, Gilligan’s Island was playing, and my mom demanded my dad turn it off.

    Years later, at camp I was nicknamed Gilligan. It was bound to happen ^.^

    1. At least you got named Jill rather than Gill . . . Nascar was playing while I was having Thing One. I was so stoned I didn’t care. 😀

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