50 Shades Flunked Lesson 17

Ana is such a bitch.  I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter.  Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident.  Oh, nooos!  This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana.  Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled.  She doesn’t give a crap.

Anguish!  Ana feels anguish!

Anguish! Ana feels anguish!

But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday.  I included every one.  They are awesome.  Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!

Back to the Recap.  Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital.  Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds.  You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once!  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Yawn. (BoredNow)

Gosh, where have I seen this kind of stuff before . . .

Gosh, where have I seen this kind of stuff before . . .

She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail)  But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.”   Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away.  Ana is sadfaced.  She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way!  Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter!  OMG! (AnaFail)

When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!”  Because she’s surprised?  Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital.  They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail)  Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there.  Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow)  Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF)  What?  He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative.  She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.”  And that’s not all.  Later she tastes the tea and thinks  “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life.  The horror. (Double AnaFail)

What is it with this cheap tea crap, are you MAD?

What is it with this cheap tea crap, are you MAD?

Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo!  He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag)  But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived!  Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing.  Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something.  Dickhead. (RedFlag)

The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them?  The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams)  Even Ana wants to kick him.  The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma.  Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff.  (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens.  I mean terrible.

Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”.  I love that movie.  And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation.  Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L.  Stop it.  Stop it now.  Last warning. (AliceRage)

Oh, James, you silly bitch!

Oh, James, you silly bitch!

Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts.  (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum.  That’s CEO talk for “firings”.  I love this guy. (RedFlag)  They go check on Ray in the ICU.  Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds.  Come on, you would too.  You know it.

A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute.  Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary.  Good thing she’s in a hospital!  I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz.   Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams)  Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color.  Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)

If only it were THIS nurse.

If only it were THIS nurse.

Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana.  After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)

Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath.  He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF)  Um, no, no she’s not.  Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can.  He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm)  They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her.  If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people.  So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no.  Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila.  Just . . . really, Ana.  Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)

So that's where they went.

So that’s where they went.

They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing.  I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow)  Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow!  Whoop-te-shit.  They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what?  Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother.  He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case.  I had awful images for a moment there, guys.  I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!

She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel.  He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does.  Of course.  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 50 60 = -10

I have more maturity than that Ana dope.

I have more maturity than that Ana dope.

I have questions, you have answers.

I have questions, you have answers.

Question 17:

In the next chapter . . .

A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.

B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.

C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!

30 responses

  1. Hmmm I’m torn between b and c….think I’ll go for b just because this chapter seems to have been so mind numbingly predictable and well….it seems to fit though I could just see Christian buying her a new vagina.

    1. I really think he should, considering what he did to the old one.

  2. I almost, ALMOST! feel like reading fifty shades to get what you’re talking about, it’s so darn hilarious!! My mum’s sitting with me and talking about a neighbor who fell down stairs and I’m laughing my head off ( an AliceFail, amirite? =D )

    Awesome post! *applause*

    1. Yay, applause! Your mum should be understanding, though. Sometimes it is amusing when someone falls down stairs. Someone you don’t like anyway. You don’t happen to dislike the neighbor do you?

      1. Oh completely. She’s one of those ladies who whack the neighborhood cats whenever they’re in her yard. :-/

  3. It’s got to be B, surely? Can’t wait to find out!

    1. Anything is possible with this book. Except a coherent plot.

      1. That’s true, in which case it is going to be the shagging on a coffin option. Please no. James can’t have sunk to such depraved depths as that? Although on second thoughts . . .

        1. Yeah, after Tampongate, I put nothing past her.

          1. Tampongate?! I missed that one. What chapter was that? I feel the need to feel nauseated.

          2. on the 50 shades recap page, it’s under 50 Shades of Grey “the one with the tampon” recap.

          3. Just read it. I can only utter one word . . . why????!!!

  4. LMAO! I don’t remember this chapter from when Speaker recrapped it…must’ve put her to sleep! What terrible writing and stupid circumstances! EL has topped herself here with the absurdness!

    As for the quiz, all of the answers are logical, but I’ll go for A, since Ana is so dumb and Christian only thinks with his dick.

    1. True, true. Speaker was smarter in recapping by every 50 pages rather than chapters. Although these chapters seem to be about 50 pages each.

    1. I’m not sure Ray could be dead AND in a coma . . . wait, what am I saying? Of course he could.

  5. A is such an Ana thing to do. So sad.
    Ana has a weird thing about blonde women. She has since Book 1. You think she secretly fantasizes about them?

    1. I think so. Like her lesbian crush on Kate. That Kate is so gorgeous but what a bitch – oh, Katherine Kavanagh, please do an inquisition on meeee . . . wait, I am straight and in love with Christipoo . . . shut up, inner goddess, that would never work! Especially not with the donkey!

  6. C happens, followed shortly by B, and then the day after by A. Unless D happens, which is a miracle and her dad recovers in time to be at the party. Oh wait, no, that won’t happen because it might actually look like a plot.

    1. We can’t have something like a plot sneaking in here!

      1. I suspect that a plot has tried to sneak in several times, but then EL notices it and banishes it, but then doesn’t go and undo the good that the now-banished plot has tried to do! Which would explain why the book is so bad.

  7. The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage.

    Extra 50 point deduction right there.

    1. I think you’re right. I bet James has never seen it. It’s like, oh, I should name drop a classic movie to look smart again ummmm okay, this will do! Arghhh.

  8. Guess what, Alice! I found this on the interwebs today and it’s so appropriate for murderers to give to people whose “down there” they own. Just so everybody knows.

    1. Yes. It should come with a little flag they can plant down there, just so everyone knows.

  9. Shoot, there was a link there but I guess WordPress thinks I’m a spammer. Anyway, it was of a 50 Shades of Grey-inspired charm bracelet. *hurl*

    1. Oh, noooo. Barf indeed. The merchandise actually creeps me out even more than the books. Like look, a teeny pair of handcuffs, hee hee. Uhhhh . . . .

      1. And a teeny tiny laptop you can send your countless teeny tiny emails in. Someone please pour some acid on my teeny tiny Ana brain.

  10. I have had no interest in reading 50 Shades of Grey. I have skipped every chapter review, although I find your other posts entertaining. And since every chapter has “failed,” I am further convinced I will not be reading this current social phenomena. I shall remain blissfully uninformed.

    1. It must surely be bliss.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: