Ana is such a bitch. I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter. Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident. Oh, nooos! This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana. Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled. She doesn’t give a crap.
But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday. I included every one. They are awesome. Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!
Back to the Recap. Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital. Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds. You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once! I’m on the edge of my seat. Yawn. (BoredNow)
She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail) But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.” Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away. Ana is sadfaced. She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way! Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter! OMG! (AnaFail)
When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!” Because she’s surprised? Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital. They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail) Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there. Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow) Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF) What? He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative. She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.” And that’s not all. Later she tastes the tea and thinks “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life. The horror. (Double AnaFail)
Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo! He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag) But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived! Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing. Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something. Dickhead. (RedFlag)
The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them? The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams) Even Ana wants to kick him. The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma. Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff. (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens. I mean terrible.
Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”. I love that movie. And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation. Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L. Stop it. Stop it now. Last warning. (AliceRage)
Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts. (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum. That’s CEO talk for “firings”. I love this guy. (RedFlag) They go check on Ray in the ICU. Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds. Come on, you would too. You know it.
A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute. Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary. Good thing she’s in a hospital! I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz. Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams) Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color. Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)
Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana. After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)
Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath. He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF) Um, no, no she’s not. Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can. He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm) They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her. If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people. So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no. Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila. Just . . . really, Ana. Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)
They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing. I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow) Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow! Whoop-te-shit. They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what? Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother. He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case. I had awful images for a moment there, guys. I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!
She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel. He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does. Of course. End chapter.
Final Score: 100 – 50 – 60 = -10
In the next chapter . . .
A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.
B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.
C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!