50 Shades Flunked Lesson Eighteen

Chapter eighteen.  We made it.  Only four more to go . . . wtf?  There are 25 chapters in this one?  What?  Why?  When did this happen?  Did she just add these?  This book is a self-contained freaking Wonderland.  Just – honestly, what is left to say?  I can’t imagine.  What could possibly happen to Ana and Christian next?  Do you think they will A) have sex B) have sex or C) have sex or D) have some more fucking sex!!!
Oooh, this is the part where they have sex in the wood chipper!

Oooh, this is the part where they have sex in the wood chipper!

You know, I just realized something.  They should hand out these books at those Sex Addict Anonymous meetings.  I swear to you, reading these stupid sex scenes could almost make you promise to be celibate the rest of your life.  How some women get turned on by them I don’t . . . it doesn’t compute.

Whatever.  Last time, I asked the burning STD question “In the next chapter . . .(A). Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral. (B). While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby. (C). For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!”  For all of you who guessed C . . . close, but no banana.  Even that visual . . . I . . . anyway, it was wrong.  So was (A).  Ana’s dad doesn’t die, but I don’t rule out them having sex in or on a coffin at some point in the future.

Even dead they'd probably email each other.

Even dead they’d probably email each other.

Ruby suggested a new point deduction for James when she mentions TV, books, or music we like.  “The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage.  Extra 50 point deduction right there.”   On it, Ruby!

Ana wakes up at the Heathman and we get this fascinating exchange.  “Good morning, Ana,” he whispers.  “Hi,” I mutter.  “Hi,” he replies.  Okay, so there were a few other words in there, like that Christian looked hot, but ugh, really, are there editors?  Anywhere? (Bored Now, Facepalm)   Christian gives Ana a bracelet for her birthday – it’s from Cartier, not that Ana name drops! (AnaFail)  And on the bracelet are charms for some of the places they’ve done it.  Wow.  There’s a helicopter – guess what it stands for you will never guess it’s Charlie Tango! (AliceScreams) Also there’s his stupid yacht thing, a bed (subtle), and an ice cream cone.  Christian says it stands for vanilla sex, but all I can think of is that time they used vanilla ice cream IN their sex and arghhh, thank you for triggering that memory, James, thanks so much. (AliceScreams)

Aw, these are a few of my least favorite things.

Guess what, you guyz? A reader let me know about this bracelet that you can totally buy with handcuffs, a tie, and a computer – to remind you of the binding, gagging, and emailing!

Oh, yeah, and there’s a picture locket (Ana says for a picture of Christipooo!), a “C” (for crap I think), and a key. “To my heart and soul,” Christian whispers (AlicePukes)  and Ana gets all teary and jumps in his lap.  God, that’s so original.  Then Ana goes to brush her teeth and remembers how she sexily shared Christian’s toothbrush once (noooo, I had forgotten that!!!!) (Flashback abuse) and notes that she looks pale (we know!!!) and says she’s married at 22!  She’s old! (AliceScreams, One giant Ana Fail).  I hate Ana.

They get in the elevator (and James is filming every second of this) and they remember this is the elevator where he first stuck his tongue in her mouth and ground his down there into her down there, and they start making out. (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse)  This is exactly the sort of thing I’d do if my father were on a ventilator.  Nothing turns me on like a dear relative in a coma! (WTF)

Christian gives Ana another tiny gift – no, not a vagina, though surely she could use a new one by now.  It’s a . . . brand new car!!!! (canned applause).  (BoredNow) They get to the hospital, and Christi-poo is talking on the Elmo phone again (we only hear one side of the conversation) but he is pissed.  He learns that the drunk who hit Ray was trailer trash from southeast Portland! (RedFlag) A hello out there to all you trailer trash from southeast Portland from E.L. James! (FacePalm)

I bet they name a town in James' honor.  Trailer Trash Jamestown!

I bet they name a town in James’ honor. Trailer Trash Jamestown!

Christian gets more phone calls, one about having to fire two of his people, and Ana yawns. (AnaFail)  Ana, you stupid bitch.  After the brain scan reveals Ray still has a brain (unlike Ana), Ana gets a new dress blah blah and we hear more flashbacks (remember when you puked in the azaleas, Ana?  How about when I first had you sign that sex slave contract?  Mem-o-riessss!) (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse)  They get to a private room at the Heathman and Surprise!  Christian has thrown Ana a surprise birthday party!  So that’s why Ana stressed for a day over not being able to reach her Mom!  Totally appropriate! (WTF, Red Flag, I hate this book).

Christian says that Ray would want them to have fun while a machine pumps oxygen for him, so they do, though Ana must “hold back the tears”.  Yeah.  Sure.  Jose’s dad says he thought Ana would have been a great daughter-in-law, you know, had she gone for his son, the guy who nearly raped her once while drunk. (RedFlag, WTF, still totally appropriate).  Ana and Christian leave the party and have sex off screen.  Way to keep Ray off your mind, there, Ana, you’re a champ! (AnaFail)

Ana and her mom talk about how fabulous Christi-poo is and her mom reminds her to tell Christian this (like she doesn’t?) because men need to hear it too. (AlicePukes)  Then Ana starts watching a Mariner’s game (apologies to all Mariners fans out there) and her dad magically wakes up!  Whatever.  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 –48 -80 = -28
The pumpkin speaks.  This chapter blows chunks.

The pumpkin speaks. This chapter blows chunks.

At this point, it's not really popping, is it?

At this point, it’s not really popping, is it?

Question 18
Fill in the blank!
In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.

34 responses

  1. I think I remember the real answer, but that word generator thing I did last time was fun, so I’ll do it again 😉 :

    In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her enterprise who forces her to liquor and then informs her she is medium.

    Sounds about right!

    1. It does! I especially like how the word generator knew Ana was an alcoholic.

  2. In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her long lost twin sister who forces her to Leave Christian and then informs her she is a doyle but is now going into a very good psychotherapy program to de-brainwash her of all ‘Christipoos’ poo brained ideas.

    I’m hopeful this is right…but not holding my breath.
    Another 6 chapters? I hope you have plenty of sick bags on stand by!

    1. A long lost twin sister would explain a lot, if said twin received all the brain cells in some sort of twin to twin transfusion thing in the womb. And, oh, a psychotherapy program? Stop, you’re getting my hopes up and I actually know what happens.

      Good thing I took all the barf bags from my last flight with me.

      1. Oh dear….I should really stop trying to be optimistic for some kind of realisation shouldn’t I…Ana is so not going stop failing with a writer like James at the helm!
        Ah forward planning, I like it 😉

  3. Although “butt plug” would actually fill those blanks quite nicely (as would almost any sex-toy ever) I’m going to change my tactics.

    In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her husband who forces her to be tied up for sex and then informs her she is hot.

    Oh, wait, that’s too much like what might actually happen.

    *think* *think* *think*

    In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her vegetable drawer from the fridge, who forces her to actually eat something and then informs her she is the lamest person ever to walk the earth, and that even Hitler was better than she is because at least he had some discernable talents and personality, even if he wasn’t very nice.

    1. I love the way your mind works. If I didn’t have a hubby and kids, I would totally be wanting to join you in the order, that’s how awesome you are. I would love to see Ana stalked by her vegetable drawer. And it’s true – Hitler was evil, but you can’t deny he at least had smarts and charisma.

      1. Maybe actually, Ana could be stalked by The Veggies. I can just see Bob & Larry doing a commentary on the book.

        Bob: Now kids, what do you think is going wrong here?
        Larry: Well, Bob, it’s pretty clear that God will forgive them, but maybe they should try forgiving each other first
        Bob: Larry, it’s not going to happen. No matter how hard we pray, EL James will still be a bad writer with her so-called hero being a complete pscyhopath.
        Larry: Bob, that’s sad. Can we pray?

        1. Hahahahhaaha! I actually feel sorry for that poor Cucumber, especially considering what Ana and Christian would want to do with him. No, not poor Larry!

          That’s sad. Can we pray? hahahaha.

          1. I think that Bob & Larry are computer animated these days. I know they started life as plasticine! So Larry is probably safe from being inserted anywhere, er, unsavoury.

  4. In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her high school boyfriend who forces her to be boink his brains out (I’m trying to keep it classy!) and then informs her she is his sibling.

    Is that crazy enough for this series?

    1. Pretty much. I could see James suddenly coming up with this as a plot twist. Christian: Oh, nooos, you are my sister? Ana: That is so GROSS – but hot. Christian: No wonder you are so beautiful, we is related! Oh, Ana!

  5. BY the way, I’ll try to guest post as soon as I can, but believe me, things are a little crazy right now! I have a crazy work week ahead of me and family crises to cope with, but I’ll help when I can.
    BY the way, you’re work is magnificent!

    1. Thank you! So is yours. I loved your post on Miss Four Eyes’ blog. And I LOVE that pic of her with the tree. So sweet. Whenever you get time, just send me an email.

  6. dildo

  7. There are twenty-howmany-chapters because misery loves company and one miserable chapter would make reading this misery more miserating. You gotta break up the torture somehow – yours and Ana’s.
    On to the quiz…
    In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her brain who forces her to think and then informs her she is stupid.

    1. Haha, I just had a thought – I’m a MORON! I’m thinking of combining chapters so that I can maybe get through before James writes more . . .

      1. It doesn’t matter if there’s 22 or 25; there’s too many. I hope Ana divorces his ass. I know that’s asking too much, and I’m not going to read ahead and find out for myself. I’m not going to read. I like your version and I don’t think I could handle James’s.

        1. I knew it was bad before I started, but I had no idea just HOW BAD.

  8. In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by a unicorn named Winston who forces her to fart rainbows and then informs her she is the Easter bunny.

    1. This is fantabulous. I don’t show the Things much of 50 Shades, but I did let them see this response and they thought it was the funniest thing ever. Me too.

  9. In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her backbone who forces her to remove her head from Christian’s ass and then informs her that she is stinky.

    1. So that’s where the backbone was – we already knew Ana’s head was up Christian’s ass, which makes him putting his head up her hoo ha even more complicated. Maybe they do a lot of yoga.

  10. In the next chapter Ana is stalked by her squirrel, who forces her to keep acorns in her noo-noo and then informs her that she is a chipmunk in disguise.

    1. I could believe that happening. Here, Ana, put these up there. Okay! Ooh, sexy, owwwww.

  11. I can so imagine Chistipoo having that conversation when Ana gets old (at say, 24). “Ana, you need a new vagina. I know the best doctor in the world!”

    In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her inner goddess who forces her to throw up and then informs her she is required to eat it.

    1. BAD PUPPY ANA! You eat your pukeys! Oh, yes, I could see him finding her the specialist snowflake doctor ev-ar. It’d be like a knee replacement, only he’d replace the vagina with some rubbery substance designed to absorb maximum impact. And it’d be removable too, so he could conveniently take it with him on trips. No cheating for Ana and he still gets his funsies!

      This book has ruined me.

  12. Ooh, somehow you are not persuading me I should read this publishing sensation…

  13. Here, so you don’t have to search for it in your spam, my original comment:

    Thank you for making my morning by including my RubyRage. I didn’t make it to the gym today, so that’s the only outlet it’s had. Very unhealthy.

    In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her vapid creator, E.L. James, whose own glaring insecurities and hatred of her own sex (both in terms of gender, as well as her pathetic, miserable, lacking sex life) have been put on international display, and isn’t she a gem!, who forces her to . . . [wait, I can’t fill this one in because Ana complies with everything, no force ever necessary] . . . and then informs her that all of the allegations that she is the worst imitation of a pretend paper-thin non-character ever ripped off are made up by other women who are jealous because they can’t write such really good words to make into books (at least she thinks that’s what they’re called, she’s never actually seen one), and that she is bankrolling James’ endless need to fill the void created by a lack of meaningful relationships with stuff, stuff, and lots more stuff.

    There. A little more RubyRage released. Thanks for that.

    1. This comment wins the Internetz today. I love it.

      1. 😀 I’m trying to find ways of allowing myself to deal with my anger and release it without hurting actual people, so this was very cathartic for me. I thank you. 😀

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