Alice’s St. Patrick’s Day Special

st paddy day sign

What?  You know I have to do a special on the holidays, even the lame ones.  Like this one.  What do we know about St. Patrick?  He is a saint, and he, um, is Irish.  But there’s something you probably don’t know about old St. Patrick.  That’s right.  He is a leprechaun.  An evil leprechaun at that.

Who knew leprechauns were such creepers?

Who knew leprechauns were such creepers?

The guy loves green, especially green beer.  This is because he is Irish, and Irish people drink a lot.  And bet on boxing matches.  I know this because I watched the movie Far and Away.  He also likes to torture small children by not letting them eat his sugar coma inducing cereal, Lucky Charms.  St. Patrick, in other words, is a jerk.

Cause Irish people are all drunks, get it???

Cause Irish people are all drunks, get it???

He’s big on “luck”.  A four-leaf-clover is supposed to mean good luck.  I have no idea why this dumb clover is good luck.  I’ve never found one with four leaves, but I spent hours in the backyard looking for one as a kid. Wait.  I think I know why my parents were so big on St. Patrick’s Day now.

Just keep looking honey!

Just keep looking honey!

St. Patrick is also greedy.  He is always putting his gold in these giant pots and hiding them all over the place, and trying to get stupid people to figure out where it is.  Oh, hey, Mr. IRS man, my pot o’ gold is  . . . uh . . . at the end of the rainbow!  Go for it!

Best tax shelter ever!

Best tax shelter ever!

And since he loves green, he gets really pissed if someone isn’t wearing it.  That’s why he encouraged school kids to pinch one another if they forget to wear green to school.  As if young children needed more reasons to mess with one another.  “What did you do for St. Patrick’s day, kids?”  “Pinched my classmates till I drew blood!”  “Great, have a green beer.”

Grade school is better with beer!

Grade school is better with beer!

I’m not sure why the Catholic Church made a leprechaun a saint.  Maybe it was a joke.  Or maybe they had too much green sacramental wine. Or possibly I made all this crap up again.  Happy St. Paddy’s Day.  If someone pinches you, punch them.  And have a green beer.

Did we mention there was GREEN BEER today?

Did we mention there was GREEN BEER today?

42 responses

  1. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! 🙂 Cheerz, Uncle Tree

  2. I never saw that movie ‘Leprechaun.’ Bet I missed a real Oscar-worthy film with that one.

    1. It was totally robbed of that award, I’m sure. I wonder if evil Leprechaun hangs out with Chucky.

      1. Now that one I did see. As embarrassing as that is to admit…

        1. Why on earth would anyone buy a child a doll that creepy? I’m talking about before it started murdering people.

          1. Good point. Surely any parent could see the homicidal lunatic lurking below.

          2. Speaking of terrible things people buy their children, I just found out that the Icing (teeny bopper store) is selling 50 Shades merchandise. (cries for humanity.)

          3. You’ve got to be kidding. That is horrifying!

          4. I wish I was. Just saw it on Jenny Armintrout’s blog. Makes me want to puke green beer.

  3. St. Patrick’s Day makes me cranky. “You’re not wearing green!” Uh, that’s because I’m not
    Irish. Do you see me wearing a yarmulke on Yom Kippur?

    1. Yeah, what is it with the green thing? I have a feeling Irish people don’t wear green that much either. I mean it is green there, because they have actual rain and grass. But otherwise, wtf.

  4. Rohan 7 Things | Reply

    I’m at ground zero here, Dublin, Ireland. For me St Patrick’s day is just another excuse not to leave the house. There’s just something about forced joviality that gets under my skin.

    Great post, made me laugh 🙂

    All the best!

    Rohan.

    1. Rohan! Since you are clearly a representative of all Irish people (are you Irish, or do you just live there?) I am appreciative that you recognize I am being sarcastic over the obvious Irish stereotypes (and not just being a racist jerk). I mean, I live in Texas, and people think Texas is filled with a lot of conservative hicks wearing cowboy hats.

      Okay, maybe some stereotypes have a ring of truth to them.

      1. I live here at the moment. Although I was born in Australia my father’s side of the family is Irish, so I’m a halfy 😉

        Oh yes god, don’t worry. There’s a grain of truth in every stereotype and I don’t deny that Ireland as a whole has a bit of a drinking problem. I spent last night hunkered down, surviving the zombie apocalypse outside!

        It was like Dublin was hosting an outdoor convention for those who’s hobbies include throwing up, screaming and falling over.

        I like wearing cowboy hats! I don’t fit the Irish stereotype very well at all I’m afraid lol! 🙂

        Rohan.

        1. So do you have an Aussie accent or an Irish accent? Either one could make me faint. I LOVE foreign accents. American is so boring.

          1. Haha, a bit of both, listen yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq7VKBqfehY

            Just make sure you’re sitting before you press play lol 😉

            Rohan.

  5. “if someone pinches you, punch them.” EPIC!!!! Happy Saint Paddy’s Day, Alice. You overly cheerful, always up to celebrating something, sweet, sweet soul. tee hee hee I’m wearing a green shirt today, just in case, but if somebody pinches me, they better watch out. I have your permission to retaliate. Bitches. LOL

    Blessings + Hugs,
    Nicole

    1. Yes! I remember being in school and kids pinching me because of course I never remembered to wear freaking green that day. Bitches. Wanted to shove a shamrock up their noses.

  6. I don’t think there was any such thing as a St. Paddy, even if my son, who was born on the 15th, will be eternally pissed at me for not waiting till the 17th to have him….shit, he was already three weeks late holding out…he has a VERY Irish last name, you see…where was I? Oh yes. Right, so St. Patrick was supposed to have “driven the snakes out of Ireland.” Really? With what, green beer? That might have puked ’em out. Ever see a snake puke? Me neither. Maybe none of ’em were green, so they had to bite each other till they all died, even the little ones (tear). Now look what you made me do, I can’t get my brain off this. Must be a brain worm. Must eat chocolate. Bye.

    1. Maybe he pinched all the snakes until they left. You’d think he’d get a lot of bites, though. Maybe he was so full of booze he didn’t notice.

      1. I first read this as, Maybe he pinched all the snakes and then left. The St. Patrick’s day snake burglar? Sheesh. My brain, my brain…

        1. Snake burglar! You know what I want? A burglar who robs my house of all the worthless stuff I can’t seem to get rid of – which would be most of my stuff.

          1. Wow! I don’t know if I could handle that. Being a pack rat, which is only one tick below a hoarder, I would be very upset if someone stole that LL Bean catalog from 1998 that I’ve never even opened.

  7. St. Patrick was British but taken as a slave to Ireland. He became a priest and a patron saint of Ireland despite being a Brit. I know I ruined the humour of your post-sorry :/

    1. You forgot about the snakes. I remember there were snakes and he like voodoo’d them out.

  8. I love the image that I’ve seen on FB a couple of times today of a Bishop dressed in green driving a car full of snakes. The snakes are saying things like “are we there yet?” “I need to go to the bathroom” “I feel sick” etc and it’s captioned “St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland”.

    As for the green stuffs, I think we should be glad that the Irish mostly drink ale or stout and not absinthe…

    1. Mmmm….absinthe. I hate black licorice but my sugar cubes and I are ready anytime someone wants to bring by a bottle of the real stuff.

      1. I just saw something on History Channel about how they used to think absinthe drove you mad but it didn’t. The competition pushed the rumors to further their own sales. Huh. And this was before the Internet!

    2. I want to know why the Bishop didn’t go anywhere else and drive out snakes. I mean, if he was British, why didn’t he get the snakes out of Britain? And I always had this image of a guy with a flute dancing around while the snakes frolicked (can snakes frolic?) after him.

      1. I have a feeling you need legs to frolic.

        I don’t know why St Patrick didn’t just do what St Hilda did with the snakes in Whitby. Patrick allegedly drove them out of Ireland (presumably into the sea) but Hilda turned them into ammonites (circular fossils) instead.

        I suspect the reason St Patrick didn’t do anything on mainland UK was because they’d had enough of him being all hard-line with the gospel and he was banished to Ireland and not allowed back. In those days, our hench-men really could hench.

  9. green beer…disgusting idea…stick to the black stuff or a tot of whisky. I may be half Irish but I’ve never understood the idea that everyone becomes Irish on this day…why not on St Georges day? St Andrews day? St Davids day? Oh yeah because they don’t come with an excuse to get rip roaring drunk and vomit up a whole load of green food/drink.
    *insert extended rant here*
    Never mind I hope you enjoy your Sunday! xox

    1. I had green beer once at Bennigans. It was gross. I really wouldn’t want to throw that up. I threw up grape juice once and that was bad enough.

      Another holiday whose sole purpose seems to be getting drunk? Cinco de Mayo!

  10. Good that I stayed at home as I wasn’t wearing any green…

    …but this was entertaining 😉

    1. Thanks. I didn’t wear green either – I’m a rebel.

      1. Good for you. I love rebels!

  11. Happy St. Paddy’s Day, Alice! How long did your kids spend looking for four-leaf-clovers?

    1. Not long enough. It would help if we had more living grass and clover, I guess.

  12. I’ve never understood the fascination with this day. If you wanna drink then go drink. Why do you need a holiday to do it?

    1. No idea. I don’t even know why it’s a holiday. Wearing green, pinching people, putting on stupid hats, using lots of sterotypes, getting wasted . . . it’s like be a jerk day and you can do that any day. Like you said.

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