Fifty Shades Flunked Lessons 19 and 20

If you’ll notice, we will be covering two lessons today, class.  This is in an effort to finish the book before E.L. notices and adds more chapters.  Not that I’m paranoid or anything but DON”T TELL HER OKAY???  Right.  So last time I asked you to fill in the blanks of this question.  “In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.”

You all failed, like always, but there were some really awesome answers.  But the best answer had nothing to do with the question and came from faithhopechocolate when we got into a discussion about what would happen if Bob and Larry from the Veggietales had to cover 50 Shades of Grey.

These vegetables just lost their innocence.

These vegetables just lost their innocence.

Bob: Now kids, what do you think is going wrong here?
Larry: Well, Bob, it’s pretty clear that God will forgive them, but maybe they should try forgiving each other first
Bob: Larry, it’s not going to happen. No matter how hard we pray, EL James will still be a bad writer with her so-called hero being a complete psychopath.
Larry: Bob, that’s sad. Can we pray?

I laughed so hard I think I broke something.  I’d also think I was hell bound, except that this was made up by a lady who is becoming a Sister, so I think I’m safe.  Maybe.  Anyway, you’ll find out the answer soon enough, and it will be more horrible than you can possibly imagine.

Okay, so Ana’s dad woke up.  So of course Ana and Christian must celebrate with disturbing sex! (Sexy Times, Alice Pukes, AliceScreams)  Hooray!  He trusses her up in her robe and has her touch herself. (Alice Pukes)  Jeez, Christian, the whole point of masturbation is that you don’t need a moron like you around for it.  (Facepalm) Way to ruin that as well.  So this goes on for pages until Christian says “Come on, Ana” her cue to orgasm with him. (AliceScreams)  I once again wonder if there is ever a problem with him asking her to follow and her suddenly falling on the ground in an earth shattering orgasm.  That could be interesting at a family dinner.

I'll have what Ana is having! (this joke never gets old)

I’ll have what Ana is having! (this joke never gets old)

There’s a lot more nothing.  The detective comes back and blah blah Jack Hyde (remember him?  I don’t) says Ana seduced him yadda yadda and fingerprints on the helicopter blah and Hyde’s a “fucker” and a “fucking asshole” with a “fucking game”.  I’m all out of fucks. (BoredNow)  Ana then goes to see her Dad and says “Laters, Daddy” (AnaFail) which is so not messed up and then is walking out of the hospital when her gynecologist, who apparently stalks her, runs up and insists Ana go get a peek and a poke right this second! (WTF).

So the gyno wants to know why Ana cancelled four appointments.  Well, doctor, there could be a number of reasons.  Maybe she got a new doctor.  Maybe she chose a new birth control.  Maybe she decided not to take birth control.  And anyway, why is it your fucking business? (RedFlag) I mean, I have to schedule my gyno exams at least a year in advance to get into my doctor, yet Ana has one following her around begging her to come in?  (WTF) What kind of doctor is this?  Oh, wait, Christian chose her. (RedFlag, FacePalm) Nevermind.

So she has Ana take a pregnancy test before she gives her another birth control shot, and you’ll just never, never guess what happens!  That’s right!  Ana is now carrying a spawn of Satan – er, I mean, Christian. (Alice Cries) Ana reacts to the news like us readers.  “What?  No, no, no.  Fuck.”  End Chapter 19.

Noooooooooo!

Noooooooooo!

So chapter 20 begins and we’re still with the stalker gyno, who is also quite the condescending bitch. (AliceScreams)  There’s this whole bit with the doctor offering her water (secretaries offer water, nurses offer water, gynos offer water, and we get to hear all about it) and Ana accepting.  (AliceScreams) Then the doc says, what the hell, she’ll just give her an ultrasound cause she’s got time and there’s one right there in the same room. (WTF)  Yeah, no need for an appointment or anything.  Walk-in gynecological exams and sonograms are totally normal. (FacePalm)

Poor stupid Ana thinks the shot is supposed to be good birth control, but the doc says “It normally is when you remember to take the shot.” (FacePalm, AnaFail) Ooh, snap, Ana!  She totally freaks when the doc asks her to remove her panties, even though she does this like ten or twelve times a day. (AnaFail) I wonder if Taylor will be summoned to get her more panties while her legs are up in the stirrups.

Now it starts getting good.  We get to meet sparkly wand!  For more info, see Storkhunter’s informative blog.  She puts a condom over the wand (remember, guys, always practice safe sex with your transvaginal ultrasounds) and sticks that sucker up her hoo-ha. (Alice Pukes) Ana thinks “holy fuck” cause like it’s been almost an hour since someone stuck something up there.  The doctor then shows her the tiny blip that is her spawn on the screen.  Ana continues to call it “blip”.  (AnaFail) I call it “the bad seed”.

I believe you're carrying a . . . buttplug.

I believe you’re carrying a . . . buttplug.

Then the doc, who five seconds ago was giving Ana hell for not using her birth control right, says “Oh, looks like the shot ran out early.”  Like, wtf?  So was it Ana’s fault for not getting a shot or not?  Just – can you keep continuity within the same damn chapter, James?  Too much? (AliceScreams)

Ana has all sorts of arguments with the voices in her head, and she’s certain Christian will hate her when she’s all fat with baby.  (AnaFail) Also Christian will be mad because she didn’t get permission to get knocked up.  But mostly she’ll be fat.  Oh, nooos, what to do?  We all know the answer.  Email! (AliceScreams)

Sighhhhh.

Sighhhhh.

They say nothing, as usual, and Ana wonders if she should tell him after sex or during sex.  (WTF) I say during, Ana, while you’re strapped up all dignified like. She sees her dad, and subconscious says sure you’ll see your dad again “provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse”  I could see being nervous about it, but honestly thinking your husband is actually going to murder you – hint, hint.  This is not a healthy relationship. (Fucking Red Flag).

I figure E.L. will drag this out more, but nope, she tells Christian, who acts like a mature adult and says “we’ll be okay.”  Haha, just kidding.  He totally flips his shit and acts like an asshole, screaming at Ana loving stuff like “This is why I like control.  So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up!”  (Red Flag, Red Flag, RED FLAG) Wow.  Be sure to record this one for the baby book, Ana.

Christian walks out on her, and Mrs. Jones gives her the magic cure for domestic abuse – tea!  She goes to bed, and Christipoo returns, stinking drunk.  He whines about the “invader” and how Ana will “choose him over me.”  (RedFlag) Wah.  Shut the fuck up, Christian.  Ana gets him into bed, and then finds his cell phone and realizes he’s been out drinking with his former lover and child abuser, the ebil Mrs. Robinson.  (Facepalm) And now Ana’s mad – not because her husband treated her like shit, but because of a woman, of course.  (AnaFail, Double Facepalm) Ana, you’re an idiot, and there is no hope for this child.  It’s going to grow up to be Macauley Culkin for certain.

Final Score: 100 – 62 – 120 = -82
These chapters were worse than all of my movies combined!

These chapters were worse than all of my movies combined!

Whoop.

Whoop.

Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor?
Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device!  Any guesses what it is?  It’s dumber than you think, I bet!
Advertisements

16 responses

  1. In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor?

    Ana believes she deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor for sucking Christians’ peen the best. She is the best peen sucker and fucker on earth! No, really. She is. Why are you laughing? Yes, she was a virgin before all of this and had no idea what sex even was, but that doesn’t matter! Doesn’t make sense? It doesn’t have to! EL James is God!

    In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!

    Ana’s long lost sisters’ brothers’ cousins’ uncle comes back from the dead and declares that she is his! Christian cannot have her! WWIII breaks out.

    1. I meant to add that WWIII breaks out and then ends three sentences later.

    2. Ana really is the best, Christian says so as Ana gags repeatedly (and so do we). I think it’s because she practiced so much on popsickles. Also on her college profs – there is no other way she could have graduated with no brain cells.

      Your number 2 answer is totally plausible as well. Then again, anything is.

  2. I have no answers for your questions. But I have two things I have to say. Since my own recent personal revelations on the subject of relationships and abuse in my own life, I’m reading these posts differently.

    And because of that, when I share them through the Canvas Twitter feed, I can no longer tag them as #humor. But I so, so wanted to tag this one as #AliceRocks. Because you do.

    1. Aw, thanks, Ruby. I understand what you mean, really. Sometimes I wonder if I should put trigger warnings on them – seriously, this stuff – I’m left wanting to shake people who say these are romantic books. How can you not read them and go RED FLAG! I would definitely, definitely encourage those who have been through any kind of abuse like this to steer clear of these books.

  3. Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor? loudest queef?

    Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet! The writer discovers she has no idea what a plot is?

    1. That should be an entry in the book of world records. Loudest queef. And yes, she has no idea what a plot is, but she likes plot devices that could, with a real writer, turn into plots, but she just tosses them around like bread crumbs, with no care where they land. She never goes back to look for them either.

  4. Veggietales covering 50 Shades of Grey, hilarious! In fact, it’s inspired a song!

    Narrator: “Now it’s time for silly songs with Ana.
    The part of the show where Ana comes out and sings a silly song.
    Our curtain opens as Ana, having just finished her morning sex, is searching for her vagina. Having no success, Ana cries out…”

    Ana: “Oh, where is my vagina? Oh where is my vagina? Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where oh, where … is my vagina?”

    Question 1: Because she found her vagina!
    Question 2: Plot device? James doesn’t know what a plot is

    1. Hahaha – dirty Veggitales! “Bob! Have you noticed we have no hoo-has?”

      James thinks plot devices are like sprinkles. You just scatter them randomly in the book and never go anywhere with them.

  5. “I’m all outta fucks.” That’s probably the most perfect way to describe reading this excrement.

    1. It could be the title to James’s biography. “I’m all outta fucks” – the E.L. James story.

  6. How, if Christipoo has trussed Ana up like the proverbial Thanksgiving/Christmas/appropriate holiday of choice Turkey, can she touch herself? Then again, I don’t want to know, I really don’t!

    Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor?

    Does she save someone’s life? Or, no, I get it. She spends 24 hours orgasming non-stop and breaks any previously known world record.

    Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device! Any guesses what it is? It’s dumber than you think, I bet!

    Well, it could be crack-whore mommy turning up, but that would be too much like being an actual plot to be feasible. Ana & Mia go out for a drink and Christipoo loses his rag at her (again), but it’s OK when he beats Ana to a pulp because she has a zillion multiples as usual. Or, she goes for an abortion and doesn’t tell Christipoo and then he beats her. Or, he just beats her and she loses the baby. Then again, does anyone really care?

    1. It could be all of these and more. I wonder if there is a most orgasms in the record books. They have “most bottles smashed on head in one minute” in there. I know because they now have a reality show about this crap. (head/desk)

      1. There used to be a kids’ TV show here in the UK called Record Breakers and it was about people’s attempts to break the less freaky records – like, remembering a really long number, or knitting a really long scarf (I think they’ve banned people attempting to beat that one now however).

  7. Question 1 – because she is carrying the spawn of Satan and it is eating her from the inside out.
    Question 2 – Christipoo admits that he has spawned other small Satanites with other random women who he made give them up for adoption or he would sterlise them himself, but now that Ana is pregnant he realises his big mistake and wants to find them all to lavish gifts, love and affection on them.

    1. I wish, wish, wish answer 1 was true! As for answer 2 – I can just imagine Leila and her hoard of automatons with babies . . . omggggg.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: