50 Shades Flunked Lesson 21 and 22

Home stretch, peeps, home stretch.  It’s like when you’re doing Yoga, and the nice lady tells you to just hold that awkward pose for a little bit longer.  Just a little bit.  And you fall over and Charlie Horse!  Wait, no, we are going to hold the pose, guys.  And I just lost track of my own metaphor.

Anyway, I asked two questions to my faithful and somewhat deranged readers.  Question 1: In Chapter 21, why does Ana believe she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor?  Question 2: In Chapter 22, we get another ZOMG random plot device!  Any guesses what it is?  It’s dumber than you think, I bet!

In response there were Veggietale song lyrics about Ana’s vagina (the Veggietale / 50 Shades of Grey crossover sounds more promising all the time), mentions of Ana winning a medal by orgasming and queefing and giving the best BJs ever, and finally, several people pointed out that there could be no plot device in lieu of an actual plot.  Good points, all.

I also received this disturbing information from purpleperceptions in my email.  It made me faceplant on my desk.  Repeatedly.  Here it is:

Epic FacePalm

Why, world, why???

No time for tears.  Let’s get on with this incredible writing, shall we?  So last we left Ana-dumkins, she was freaked out because Christipoo had been out with the “bitch troll” Mrs. Robinson, Christian’s ex that she does not obsess about constantly.  Oh, she can forgive all the other stuff Christian does: the emotional abuse, the beatings, the way he makes her fear for her safety – but crap, he had a drink with his ex!  That is unforgivable.  So she “rocks to and fro” like baby, with “hot scalding tears” and I don’t give a shit.

When she’d done whining for a bit, she looks through Christian’s emails and finds one about crap related to the investigation into that guy who tried to rape and kidnap her.  Ana thinks, meh, and goes back to bitching to herself about the ex.  You know how some people sleep on the couch when they’re mad?  Well, Ana locks herself in the playroom where Christian beats her, and goes right to sleep.  Yeah.

Imagine taking a nap in here, basically.

Imagine taking a nap in here, basically.

So the next morning, Ana comes out and has this argument with Christian, or rather, she mostly ignores the asshole.  Wait, what was that – a – a – spine?  No way.  She purposely takes off her clothes in front of him, does this twisted strip tease thing, and okay, maybe a spine, but a stupid one, wtf.  She actually says stuff that makes sense, like that she “chose a defenseless baby” over her “spineless” husband.  Hey, way to go, Ana!  Those are some awesome last words there!

Ana goes on about how hot she looks, blah blah and Christian notices and starts to make a move.  She tells him she’ll scream if he comes closer, he says no one will hear her (gawds this is so romantic) and she asks if he’s trying to frighten her. Christian is dumbfounded.  Dur, that makes you scared when I say stuffs like that?  Yet Ana thinks that if he touches her, she will surely succumb to his “sexpertise” but since she doesn’t, she clearly “deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor”.  You know who really deserves that medal, Ana?  The readers, that’s who.

We all deserve a piece of this medal, my peeps.

We all deserve a piece of this medal, my peeps.

Ugh, Ana goes to work and colors some pictures and sees her Dad who tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and then sees Mrs. Jones who also tells her what a swell guy hubby is, and if you believe, just believe, then Christian will become a fairy princess!  Ana gets an email from Christipoo, but it doesn’t have cutesy flirty and oh nooos!  Then she gets a call from Mia, but eh oh, it’s not the chirpy Cocker Spaniel, it’s . . . dun dun dun . . . Jack Hyde!  End chapter.

Since I know you can’t stand the suspense, we’ll go right into Chapter 22.  Jack informs the “prick-teasing, gold-digging whore” Ana that he has kidnapped that “little bitch” Mia.  You have to love the cute nicknames they give the women in these books.  In case you’ve forgotten (I’ve tried) Mia is Christian’s irritating, chirpy little sister.  He tells Ana to get 5 million dollars to him but not to tell Christian or his security team or the cops (pfft, like anyone goes to the cops in these books?)  Ana, brilliant girl that she is, agrees to his demands.

This sounds familiar.  I have images of a dance studio, and another stupid skinny chick being tossed into mirrors because she went to rescue someone without the help of those more powerful.  Could it be . . . nah, this is a COMPLETELY original book, you guys.

Bella, I had a vision of someone copying our book but doing an even WORSE job!

Bella, I had a vision of someone copying our book but doing an even WORSE job!

Jack says he’ll “fuck Mia up” before he kills her and I’m wondering if he means beat her or rape her or just insult her because fuck is used so often in this book I don’t know what they’re talking about anymore.  Ana tells her secretary she has to leave early, again, as if this is a big thing.  She hasn’t done a damn thing since she took the job but email, leave early, and yammer with Christian and his ex-girlfriends.

She finds Leila’s loaded gun that Christian tossed in the drawer and thinks “Jeez, he could get hurt” and I’m thinking if only. There’s a bunch of wacky hijinks with Ana tricking the security team and peeling out in her car (she gets to drive!) on her way to the bank (which is sleek, modern, and understated by the way).  She asks the teller for 5 million and the teller (named Ms. Insincere Smile) immediately hops to when she hears that Ana is Christian’s wife.  OMG a celebrity!  Being married to Christian makes her even cooler than that Kardashian chick.

Leila, come back and get your gun!

Leila, get your gun!

But eh oh, the teller guy calls Christian just because some strange chick claiming to be his wife wants to take out 5 million.  I mean, jeez.  Christian assumes she must be leaving him (like she’s that intelligent) and Ana goes with it since she doesn’t want Christipoo to interfere while she rescues the Cocker Spaniel, er, his sister.  He tells her to take all the money and Ana wonders why oh why was she so upset just because he beat her and hung her up on the ceiling and constantly berated her for breathing funny?

Ana starts “weeping copiously” and the teller asks if he can get her some water (again with the water) and Ana says sure.  Not like she’s on a deadline or anything.  She feels the reassuring pistol at her waist and wait a freaking second – she’s in a bank and they didn’t even . . . nevermind.  Jack informs her that there’s a getaway car in the back of the bank (the Dodge!  I hope it is painted up like the Joker’s car.  That would be perfect.)

It’s not the Joker in the car, but Elizabeth from the office (she was, like Jack’s boss, I think? I don’t care).  They meet up with Jack at an abandoned playground (what no dance studio?) and suddenly we really are in a Batman episode.  Jack slaps Ana (WHAP!), she bounces onto the concrete (BANG!) and then he kicks her in the ribs (KAPOW!)  Ana remembers the gun and shoots him in the knee (PING!) and then passes out (WONK!)  Chapter End.

Final Score: Pfft, screw the grading.  I give it a -500 on the Batscale.

Hmm, Ana is calling for help.  Let's wait this out, Robin.

Hmm, Ana is calling for help. Let’s wait this out, Robin.

Pop!  Bang!  Kapow!

Pop! Bang! Kapow!


Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____.

Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.

32 responses

  1. I know I was avoiding reading these books for some reason. I do not understand the hype. Erotic writing is practically a home industry, this one just got marketed differently, it did not redefine the genre. Quite frankly the Story of O was more erotic, more terrifying and better written.

    1. “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” was more exciting, better written, and not nearly as disturbing. I don’t get it either.

  2. Oh, I forgot about the exciting kidnap caper. I liked the part when Sawyer shows up and Ana flashes him a “one-second” sign and that holds him off.

    So the quiz:
    Ana is braindead through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be braindead.
    Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving crack whores and cool whip.

    1. Oh, yes, snort. His security team is top notch. I especially love how none of them realized Hyde was out on bail when the whole point of the team was to protect against the guy . . . duh-er.

      Crack whores and cool whip is totally believable. I hope I get those search terms next time. Last cool one? Advanced buttplug.

      1. Aw! I want to know about advanced buttpluggery. If you find anything out, please let me know.

  3. Ahaha, I’m sorry I only caught the last post in this series, will have to go back and read the others. Can’t believe she’s publishing a writing guide, good lord…

    1. Oh, don’t worry, there’s still more to the story! Isn’t that exciting? And I really can’t wait for the writing guide. I can only imagine the tips. If a description, action, or word is excrutiating, use it a million more times, etc.

      1. And don’t forget to add elevators. Lots and lots of erection-inducing elevators!

        1. I’m still puzzled how he has a constant hard-on, yet NO ONE notices this but Ana. After so many nauseating references to his magnificent peen, I’m almost ready to become a lesbian.

          1. LOL! I can’t say I blame you! hahahahaha!

  4. This gets better and better and better and better …… your synopsis of the book, that is. I loved your play-by-play action script so much, I included it in my answers. I’m going to add this vocab + plus animations to my daily routine. At school, “Students, read your book (BANG!)” At the grocery, “Two steaks, please (PING!)” Putting mail in the post office box, “WHAP!” In a fit of road rage on I-35, “Move bitch (KAPOW!)” You make my life so much more interesting. Thank you. =)

    My responses below:

    Ana is WHAP! through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be BANG!
    Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving KAPOW! and PING! and WONK!

    1. Thank you. I think everything would be better with Batman sound effects. I also like putting bat in front of everything as in the Batmobile, Bat Shark Repellant, Bat Deoderant, etc.

  5. Seriously? EL is going to teach people how to write???? God help us all!

    Ch 23 Ana is seriousness through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be detective.

    (I know I am not being original now, but I used the random word generator again:) )

    Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving murder and gay.

    1. I remember thinking she’s a big enough hack she’d probably write a how-to manual. I wish I were not so good at predicting stupidity. Of course I’ll have to check it out. Talk about comedy gold mine. If I can stop hitting myself on the forehead with it.

      I love the murder and gay in the bedtime story . . . I wish it were farther off from the truth of what he tells her.

      1. I cannot wait for those recaps!

  6. Do you think they got the title of the book wrong? EL James to publish a ‘How NOT to Write’ guide.

    Chapter 23 – Ana is unconscious through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be annoying.
    Chapter 24 – Christian tell Ana a bedtime story involving Aunt Fanny and Dick (I mean the Famous Five of course . . . )

    1. I certainly use her books at a “How NOT to Write Guide”. I find myself writing something and stopping and going . . . OMG, did I just say “Fair point, well made”? That makes my mouth form a “hard line.”

  7. Took me almost as long to read your blog through my tears of hilarity as it did to read 50 shades of which I skipped rather a lot. Well done. I have to reblog this..cheers

    1. Thank you. I hadn’t thought about it, but I have written almost as much about 50 Shades at James has, only I haven’t been paid millions. Huh.

  8. Can you believe that she didn’t accidentally shoot herself with that gun? And enough with the sleek, modern, and understated already! Everything does NOT have to be sleek, modern, or understated!

    Ch 23 Ana is like a puppy (who’s a good girl? You are! Yes you are!) through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be rip-your-hair-out annoying.

    Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving buttplugs and more buttplugs.

    1. I’m surprised there wasn’t sandstone in the lobby too. And the constant offers of water. “Would you like some water?” “Yes, please.” He gets me water. I drink it. It is refreshing. “Better?” “Yes, thank you.” Bang, bang, bang!

      I swear Christian uses a dog training manual on Ana. He’s got her salivating at the bell. Come, Ana, Come!

  9. I’m so glad you take the bullet for the rest of us because these posts are incredibly entertaining. 🙂

    Ch 23 Ana is turned into a frog by a vengeful wizard through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be a ridiculous dunderhead.

    Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving farts and wet dreams.

    1. I’m glad you find them entertaining. That makes it worth the brain damage. Where is the vengeful wizard in this book? That would be great. He could make all of them have farts and wet dreams . . . wait, they already do.

      There’s still a few chapters yet. We might still get a wizard. Fingers crossed.

      1. Doubtful, but you never know. 🙂

      2. Don’t you know? If James included an ZOMG awesome wizard, her books would no longer be “literary”. Wizards aren’t real, while these books are a serious, insightful, important examination of the…

        F*CK! Sorry, I just couldn’t keep a straight face and finish that bit no matter how hard I tried.

        Long live the wizard, and may he appear shortly to demonstrate the “50 Shades of Disappearing James” trick.

        1. What I really want is one of those Harry Potter wands so that I can unremember these books when I’m done. If only.

  10. Please tell me she’s not for real, a writing guide?
    And I’m with Miss4Eyes, let the buttplugs run free, buttplugs for everybody lol

    1. I think I could already write an E.L. James writing guide. 1. Come up with lots of inane plot lines, but do not follow up on any of them. If you have any tension, resolve it immediately, like in the same chapter. Make your characters total assholes. Etc.

  11. Ch 23 Ana is not even a second through part of this chapter, yet still manages to beat Hitler for the most punchable character of all time.

    Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving Robot-Jesus and his plan to troll humanity by making 50 Shades so popular.

    That was possibly the most absurd ad-lib I’ve ever done. Also, this blog rocks.

    1. Thank you! The more absurd, the more chance you have of being correct with these books. Robot-Jesus wouldn’t surprise me in the least. And I definitely want to punch Ana and Christian in the face.

  12. Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____.

    Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.

    1. ill (morning sickness?)
    2. As irritating as hell
    3. Nasty sex (ie normal for them)
    4. Violence (ie normal for them)

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