My New Epic Quest

“I did absolutely nothing.  And it was everything I thought it could be.”

–         Peter Gibbons in Office Space

It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.

A while back I wrote a little post called Epic Quests and Crap Like That.  You might remember it, since it got Freshly Pressed, and also since I’m reminding you of it right now.  Also there’s that handy link.  But anyhoo, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this quest of mine and whether this is the right path for me.

You see, I’m what people might call a “worrier” or “neurotic” or “a total freakazoid”.  I can manage to turn the simplest of tasks into a monumental undertaking.  And if there’s a book on this undertaking?  Look out, I’ll find it.  And I’ll research the poop out of it.  Yes I will.  I have researched more self-help books than you can count.  Books on how to lose weight, exercise, be more spiritual, be more of a freethinker, be less of a worrier (ie freakazoid), be more assertive, make more friends, declutter my living space, parent my children, self-diagnose various diseases I might have, diagnose psychological problems I definitely have, manage my finances, manage my husband, eliminate stress, and, of course, simplify my life.

My latest quest, as you know if you read that post that made me, like, famous for 24 hours or so until people realized who I really was, was to lose weight.  This did not go well.  I didn’t lose any weight.  I sort of came up with some new probably good habits.  But no weight loss.  So then I wrote my Big Fat Manifesto, in which I griped about how people hate fat people and it’s really not fair when there are so many other reasons to hate people, like that they’re assholes.  I conveniently left you a link to that too, because I like it when WordPress asks me permission to link to my own stuff.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what my new quest is now.  In the last post mentioned, I said I wanted to get healthier.  I think I might know the way to do it.  I’ve been heavily influenced by my reading, as usual.  One thing I read was this book called Sloth by Wendy Wasserstein.  It’s part of this series on the seven deadly sins, only Wendy actually advocates for sloth.  Sure, it’s satirical, but like all satire it holds a grain of truth.  Sometimes what we need to do most is absolutely nothing.

This book has the Official Alice Seal Of Approval

I’ve mentioned before that I’m sort of lazy.  That’s true and not true.  While my body often is not off the couch, my mind is always running.  I have the thinnest brain ever, next to Ana Steele.  Basically, I am both Sad Pony AND Squirrel, which I guess means I am sort of dating Miss Four Eyes.  Awesome.  Anyway, this book gives you permission to do nothing, and is written as if it is the next great self-help book.  You know what?  It think it is.

My favorite movie of all time is called Office Space.  It was released in 1999, so you might not remember it, but it is still awesome.  When I first watched it, I was working for a boss from Hades, so I really identified with the main character, Peter.  He works for this mind numbing corporation.  His boss treats him like crap, his girlfriend treats him like crap, his job is killing him slowly, and he thinks each day is the worst day of his life.  Until he happens to go to a shrink who puts him under hypnosis before collapsing from a a heart attack.  Peter stays in this hypnosis, completely relaxed, without a care in the world.  What happens afterward is my favorite part.

Instead of working on the weekend, he sleeps most of the day, ignoring calls from his boss and girlfriend.  Finally he gets up, happy and refreshed.  When the girlfriend calls again, he picks up the phone, glances at it, presses the off button, and goes about his business.  There is something about that scene that resonates with me.  Here is a situation that just the day before would have had his stomach in knots, yet now, in his relaxed state, he says pfft, and turns the bitchy girlfriend off.

Hey, Commissioner Gordon, bite me.

And that’s not all.  He goes to work.  The same crap happens, only now he’s relaxed and at ease so none of it gets to him.  I want that hypnosis.  Of course, in real life, that’s not how hypnosis works.  But I think we can still get it, if we let ourselves go, and give ourselves a break.  Sometimes, it is so nice to simply just be, and those moments are so few.  So that’s what I’m trying to do now.  I’m embracing my inner hippie sloth – check out the link for a review on an awful kid’s show.  I know, I’m on a roll here!

I’ve started doing Yoga with a DVD.  I know, me, of all people.  But I like the breathing part.  The very best pose is one that looks suspiciously like lying flat on your back, but don’t be fooled!  This is Yoga, you guyz, and I am getting all spiritual and calm and crap.  There’s a lot of stretching and turning this way and that and sometimes I just stop and go “Pfft, she’s kidding, right?  Legs don’t go that way.”  But mostly I like it.  Who knows?  Maybe I might accidentally lose some weight, or possibly my asthma will improve, or at least I’ll get to take naps on a mat like in kindergarten.  It’s all good.

So I’m working on just going with the flow.  Maybe I’ll eat an apple.  Or maybe I’ll have a milkshake.  Maybe I’ll go for a walk.  Maybe I’ll nap. There are endless possibilities on this new path.  Reflecting this change in my quest, you might see changes on this blog.  I might post a blog post next week.  I might post three.  I might post none.  I might post two in one day.  There might be more one word posts (that got me the most hits in weeks).  I might not use so many pictures.  I might only use pictures.  I might have guest bloggers come do my dirty work.  You just never know.  Isn’t that exciting?  Where are you going?  Ah, well.

Namaste.