My New Epic Quest

“I did absolutely nothing.  And it was everything I thought it could be.”
–         Peter Gibbons in Office Space
office space

It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.

A while back I wrote a little post called Epic Quests and Crap Like That.  You might remember it, since it got Freshly Pressed, and also since I’m reminding you of it right now.  Also there’s that handy link.  But anyhoo, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this quest of mine and whether this is the right path for me.

You see, I’m what people might call a “worrier” or “neurotic” or “a total freakazoid”.  I can manage to turn the simplest of tasks into a monumental undertaking.  And if there’s a book on this undertaking?  Look out, I’ll find it.  And I’ll research the poop out of it.  Yes I will.  I have researched more self-help books than you can count.  Books on how to lose weight, exercise, be more spiritual, be more of a freethinker, be less of a worrier (ie freakazoid), be more assertive, make more friends, declutter my living space, parent my children, self-diagnose various diseases I might have, diagnose psychological problems I definitely have, manage my finances, manage my husband, eliminate stress, and, of course, simplify my life.

My latest quest, as you know if you read that post that made me, like, famous for 24 hours or so until people realized who I really was, was to lose weight.  This did not go well.  I didn’t lose any weight.  I sort of came up with some new probably good habits.  But no weight loss.  So then I wrote my Big Fat Manifesto, in which I griped about how people hate fat people and it’s really not fair when there are so many other reasons to hate people, like that they’re assholes.  I conveniently left you a link to that too, because I like it when WordPress asks me permission to link to my own stuff.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what my new quest is now.  In the last post mentioned, I said I wanted to get healthier.  I think I might know the way to do it.  I’ve been heavily influenced by my reading, as usual.  One thing I read was this book called Sloth by Wendy Wasserstein.  It’s part of this series on the seven deadly sins, only Wendy actually advocates for sloth.  Sure, it’s satirical, but like all satire it holds a grain of truth.  Sometimes what we need to do most is absolutely nothing.

This is a great book and short too - woot.

This book has the Official Alice Seal Of Approval

I’ve mentioned before that I’m sort of lazy.  That’s true and not true.  While my body often is not off the couch, my mind is always running.  I have the thinnest brain ever, next to Ana Steele.  Basically, I am both Sad Pony AND Squirrel, which I guess means I am sort of dating Miss Four Eyes.  Awesome.  Anyway, this book gives you permission to do nothing, and is written as if it is the next great self-help book.  You know what?  It think it is.

My favorite movie of all time is called Office Space.  It was released in 1999, so you might not remember it, but it is still awesome.  When I first watched it, I was working for a boss from Hades, so I really identified with the main character, Peter.  He works for this mind numbing corporation.  His boss treats him like crap, his girlfriend treats him like crap, his job is killing him slowly, and he thinks each day is the worst day of his life.  Until he happens to go to a shrink who puts him under hypnosis before collapsing from a a heart attack.  Peter stays in this hypnosis, completely relaxed, without a care in the world.  What happens afterward is my favorite part.

Instead of working on the weekend, he sleeps most of the day, ignoring calls from his boss and girlfriend.  Finally he gets up, happy and refreshed.  When the girlfriend calls again, he picks up the phone, glances at it, presses the off button, and goes about his business.  There is something about that scene that resonates with me.  Here is a situation that just the day before would have had his stomach in knots, yet now, in his relaxed state, he says pfft, and turns the bitchy girlfriend off.

Hey, Commissioner Gordon, bite me.

Hey, Commissioner Gordon, bite me.

And that’s not all.  He goes to work.  The same crap happens, only now he’s relaxed and at ease so none of it gets to him.  I want that hypnosis.  Of course, in real life, that’s not how hypnosis works.  But I think we can still get it, if we let ourselves go, and give ourselves a break.  Sometimes, it is so nice to simply just be, and those moments are so few.  So that’s what I’m trying to do now.  I’m embracing my inner hippie sloth – check out the link for a review on an awful kid’s show.  I know, I’m on a roll here!

I’ve started doing Yoga with a DVD.  I know, me, of all people.  But I like the breathing part.  The very best pose is one that looks suspiciously like lying flat on your back, but don’t be fooled!  This is Yoga, you guyz, and I am getting all spiritual and calm and crap.  There’s a lot of stretching and turning this way and that and sometimes I just stop and go “Pfft, she’s kidding, right?  Legs don’t go that way.”  But mostly I like it.  Who knows?  Maybe I might accidentally lose some weight, or possibly my asthma will improve, or at least I’ll get to take naps on a mat like in kindergarten.  It’s all good.

So I’m working on just going with the flow.  Maybe I’ll eat an apple.  Or maybe I’ll have a milkshake.  Maybe I’ll go for a walk.  Maybe I’ll nap. There are endless possibilities on this new path.  Reflecting this change in my quest, you might see changes on this blog.  I might post a blog post next week.  I might post three.  I might post none.  I might post two in one day.  There might be more one word posts (that got me the most hits in weeks).  I might not use so many pictures.  I might only use pictures.  I might have guest bloggers come do my dirty work.  You just never know.  Isn’t that exciting?  Where are you going?  Ah, well.


62 responses

  1. I love Office Space. Fuckin’ A.

    1. Yes! I like when he asks his friend in construction if anyone ever says “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays” and he says “I reckon he’d get his ass kicked.” Hahaha!

  2. I wish you all the best in your new quest Alice, nothing beats a bit of change in the norm…so put it out there, run wild and free, post, don’t post, pictures or none, jump into a rabbit hole and see what happens when you emerge…ok that totally was fecked and made no sense..going now

    1. It made perfect sense. Then again, this is me. 😀

  3. Oh, how I love that movie! I’m all for breathing. Seriously though, I started yoga years ago, along with meditating and it’s changed my life. I’m normally very high-strung so it helps keep me calm and centered. Once you practice and get really good at it, it really does keep the weight off and gives you more energy.

    1. As sarcastic as I am about “new agey” stuff, I have to admit that it is very nice to just breathe, and the stretching usually feels good. I got “Beginning Yoga for Dummies” which is about the only beginner yoga that is actually, you know, beginner. The others just start going into these weird poses with both legs in the air and stuff and I’m going wtf. I checked it out of the library, and now I’m waiting on my copy. Oh, and my new mat came in – half an inch thick! I was getting really sore on the old cheapy one. Thing One did it with me and I think she enjoyed it too, though she’s too snarky to admit it. Haha.

      We’ll see on the weight thing, but I’ve been reading (shock) on it and it says it can open your airways too, and that I’m really excited. Allergies and asthma have been wretched this year. I’d appreciate any recommendations you have on yoga stuff.

  4. So much awesomeness in this post. I’m imagining a really skinny brain because of the workout the crazy thoughts give it. Sweet. My brain works out like an addict. Secondly, why oh why does WordPress ask me if i want to link to myself? I have a pingback! Oh’s just me. Shit. Thirdly, Office Space is the most epic movie EVER. Don’t mess with my stahpler! Swingline that is. And of course, 44 pieces of flair and beating a fax machine to death with a baseball bat to rap music. CLASSIC!! And I like that you just gave me permission to be lazy. Thank you! I’ll take that advice right now…oh wait…what’s that red button over there in the side bar. Don’t press it? why? Should I press it? Should I hold back? OMG! STRESS!! I thought I Was gonna be lazy..?? 😉

    1. I love that guy. Mumbles “I could just burn down the building.” Lol. And the scene where they are beating the fax machine is so damn funny. Who hasn’t wanted to do that with our lovely technology?

      Just press it. You know you want to. Then go have a milkshake on me. I recommend cookies and cream.

      1.’re right, pressing might be in order here. This hilarity needs to be shared en mass. Milkshake…my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…

      2. I just tweeted about it. yup. I’m awesome!! Pressing seemed too much like work (it even sounds like working out), also for some reason wordpress wants me to press onto a blog I never use. And won’t let me choose the blog I do use. Lame. @angst_victoria

  5. We’re dating each other? Awesome!
    So, um, are we like a foursome?

    I took yoga to help me relax too. The instructor says to think about nothing and my mind races from one thought to another. I think I qualify for freakazoid. But I’m working on it. I have to.
    Good luck with everything!

    1. At least you have the guts to go to an instructor and risk “way too close guy” and others. One thing I like about Yoga is it can help with digestive issues too, but I really don’t want it doing that while I’m in a class with a lot of people, unless I can manage to blame it on someone else. Maybe “way too close guy.” Dude, what did you do?

  6. I can get behind this. Now, can I have my stapler?

    1. I need a red stapler like that. I totally get being attached to certain office supplies. Some just work better, dangit!

      1. Ditto coffee mugs. Coffee just… feels better in your favourite.

  7. Love the new sloth attitude. Good for you! I will do the ‘corpse’ yoga pose in your honor today. (That’s the one where you just lay on your back and breathe. Talk about a great pose.)

    1. I love the names of the yoga poses. That downward dog one cracks my kids up. Child’s pose is great too. It’s just like how babies sleep – curled up with butts in the air. I’ve also looked at Pilates, but I find myself thinking Mr. Pilate was kinda ripping off Yoga cause it looks almost exactly like it only he gave the stuff new names.

      1. Yeah, I don’t do Pilates. Yoga bores me enough (but I do it because I’m a good girl…). I don’t need to be bored by Pilates, too. 🙂

  8. Love Office Space, and I’m probably ordering that book today! Great post.

    1. The book is short, but I laughed so hard all the way through it, then backed up and had to nod that it’s true. She says stuff like how slothful people have no problem resisting the other sins because they’d take too much effort. Haha.

  9. But wait, didn’t that approach get Peter into trouble ultimately? If not for his pyromaniac co-worker, he would have gone to jail!

    1. Actually he got in trouble after he woke up and got angry again and decided to do the idiot thing with the computer. I do love how they panic when they mess up the attempt to rob the company.

      1. Well, nobody wants to go to “pound me in the ass” prison

        1. Hahaha, I love that. And how they have to look up “money laundering” in the dictionary – such scary crooks those white nerdy guys are!

  10. Office Space is an all time favorite ~ on so many levels….

    1. I’ve watched it so many times I have half the lines memorized. One of those levels is the guy playing Peter – so cute. 😀

      1. Oh yeah…and I love that his last name is Gibbons – like an ape. And I love Stephen Root as Milton Waddams…. I love watching with captions on so I can hear exactly what Milton is saying…. BIG GRAINS OF SALT! And the “I saw the the squirrels and they were married..” “I like listening at a reasonable volume”…he has so many great lines. I have watched that movie, easily, 50 times. Easily.

        1. Lol. I hadn’t watched it with captions, but I remember the “squirrels and they were married” oh lol. Doesn’t everyone know one weirdo kind of like that?

          1. I know many weirdos like that….and many like going to the library…

            You should watch it with captions….oh very much so you should.

          2. Nothing attracts the weirdos like the library with the free stuff.

  11. You’ve figured out the secret of life, Alice. And I love that movie on so many levels, but especially because of the Bobs. When it came out, my dad’s two upper level bosses were both named Jim, so he would have to go talk to the Jims, which made the whole thing even funnier.

    1. Oh, yes, the Bobs. It’s so funny because one of the Bobs is played by the guy who was Dr. Cox on Scrubs (another favorite show) and so different from Cox. I love Cox’s meanness – but underneath how he actually does care. I love that show too.

      But not as much as Office Space. Hope you’re doing well, Ruby.

      1. I’m still kicking, Alice. Thank you. I hope you’re well, too. 😉

  12. WOW! Alice, you hit the nail RIGHT on the head! You might want to incorporate some Anthony De Mello into your Yoga routine (my favorite is his series on You Tube called “Awareness”). This post is da bomb!

    1. I will have to check out this Anthony De Mello – nice name. I’m glad my post bombed – er was the bomb. Thanks!

  13. i feel your pain! I used to beat myself up over things…I am a worrier and a perfectionist…and I would never get anything done as it was never good enough! Good luck on the quest for a healthier life…I am in that same quest, inspite of my frentic, always on the go lifestyle with a brain that just won’t quit! I keep saying that I have to try Yoga – should be a good way to go!

    1. If I can try it, surely anyone can. Good luck to you too.

  14. You rock! In a zen sort of way, of course.

    1. Zen is the only way to rock. Thanks.

  15. Alice, do what makes you happy and don’t worry about anything else.

    1. Twindaddy, you’re so sweet. Thanks. Now if I could just figure out what makes me happy.

      1. That’s the trick, isn’t it?

  16. I love Office Space. And I love you. Cheers!

    1. Thanks, goldfish! We may all have to go watch it again and salute each other with our drinks.

  17. I live Office Space! I mean, love Office Space!.. No, I think I got it right the first time…

  18. I keep asking the school principal (my boss) if we can have one class period per day (60 minutes) dedicated specifically to Yoga in our classrooms. Bring out the soft, cushion-y mats, turn off the lights, everybody take a deep breath, and, finally, take a nap. I think it’s well within the whole health initiative crap they (whomever “they” is) keep talking about. Plus, I’d really like to cash in all those naps I refused to take in Pre-K. Damn me, dammit!!!!!!

    1. I would kill for a work naptime. I too look back at my childhood self and say – wtf were you thinking??? Naps are the best! Why do little ones get them? They’re the ones with all the energy!

  19. I love Office Space. And I might give this sloth thing a try, except I’m too lazy to do yoga.

    1. Try the corpse pose. You just lay there. It’s awesome.

  20. Terribly sorry to bother you, but I thought you should know that I have nominated you for The Sunshine Award…nd-nominations

    1. Why, thank you, and not at all a bother, of course. I do love bling!

  21. I’m fairly certain that Swingline should still be thanking Office Space for single-handedly making them and their red staplers a trendy giant in the office supply industry.

    1. In the “making of” segment they talked about how a red Swingline stapler didn’t actually exist. They had to paint one for the movie. The red made it stand out as a symbol. Funny, huh?

      1. That makes it even funnier then since red ones are available all over now.

  22. I’d comment, but I have all those TPS reports to fill out.

    1. Did you get the memo? Cause I can send it out again.

      1. I got the memo, but I just lost it under all of my pieces of flair.

  23. “Maybe” is such a good word, isn’t it?

  24. […] Alice At Wonderland:  My New Epic Quest […]

  25. […] be sure to put at least three links back to your own stuff in every post you write.  Here’s one Alice wrote, for example.  Also, you can link to other bloggers, but only really famous bloggers like the […]

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