50 Shades Flunked Lessons 23 and 24

Almost, almost there.  I can see the light at the end of Ana’s vagina.  Okay, so last time I asked you two questions: Ch 23 Ana is ____ through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be _____. Ch 24 Christian tells Ana a bedtime story involving ____ and _____.  Some great answers here.  Kirstenhwhyte accidentally got 23 totally right, as you’ll see below.  And there were other answers that would have fit just as well, like buttplug (can be inserted into any sentence.  Inserted.  Snort), brain-dead, murder, gay, bang, pow, crack whores, cool whip, puppy, fart, vengeful wizard, wet dream, dunderhead, punchable, and of course, Robot Jesus.  You guys rock.

Back to the neverfuckingending story.  Ana is unconscious through part of this chapter, yet still manages to be freaking annoying.  See, she goes in and out of consciousness, so we get little snippets of conversations.  Ana has bruised ribs and a fractured skull (fortunately nothing important was damaged).  Christian is suddenly concerned about the spawn and is informed that it is fine.  Because it’s a freaking demon and nothing can kill it, duh.

David Bowie won't even have to do anything to this baby.  He can take him as is.

David Bowie can take this baby as is – no waiting required.

Christian’s dad says Ana is so brave and Christian says she’s crazy and stupid.  Gonna go with Christian on this one.  The Cocker Spaniel is safe – she was only drugged.  I can’t blame Jack for that – I’d have done it too.  She hears her dad tell Christian “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will.”  I’m not making that up.  Just, yuck, gross, blech, ughhhhhh.  Ana “spirals down into oblivion” – I wish she’d do that permanently.

Ana finally wakes up fully because she needs to pee.  It’s so refreshing to hear about a romantic heroine’s need to eliminate bodily waste.  Again.  The nurse tells Ana she has a catheter, so you know, she could just go, but she thinks ew, gross.  So we get this extended scene where Christian wants to see them take the catheter out but the nurse says no and then Christian insists on carrying Ana to the pot and they argue about whether he can watch and bang, bang, bang goes my head on the desk.

Can be substituted for this chapter.

Can be substituted for this chapter.

Christian acts like a total asshole to the medical staff, ignoring their orders not to let Ana have food and I really hope she pukes it up all over him.  As usual, Ana is in the hospital, but it is all about Christipoo who has “died a thousand deaths” again and no you haven’t, you haven’t even died once, damn it.  He says he behaved badly (duh) and yay Ana is alive but he’s pissed at her and my head spins.  Also he tells her she has no regard for her personal safety.  Well, yeah, that’s why she’s with you, asshole.

Christian fills her in on more stupid crap about Hyde, the one who nearly killed her, but she’s most concerned about his ex because she’s Ana and she’s an idiot.  Ana has Twinnings breakfast tea again.  If I ever see that brand of tea, I will start a riot at the grocery store and stomp all of it into the ground.  End chapter.

I would rather have bunny tea than Twinnings.

I would rather have bunny tea than Twinnings.

Chapter 24 begins and we are still in the same place we were last chapter arghhh.  Ana made the papers, cause being the wife of the King of England, people give a damn about what happens to her.  Oh, wait.  The detective comes to talk to her about Hyde, but James skips that cause like, boring.  Ana is told she can leave soon and Christian asks the most important question which is when can she have sex?  Of course.  Her father comes to see her and berates her for being a dumbass.  I love the way the men show they care.

They have to take the back entrance cause of the paparazzi (psst Ana is queen) and they get home and take a shower together but no sex even though Ana is so desperate for it.  Even with a concussion and bruised ribs.  Right.  After he soaps her all up we get to hear how Elizabeth was helping Jack cause he fucked her and kept blackmail tapes of it and . . . who exactly was Jack going to show this to?  It makes as much sense as Jack getting out on bail yet NO ONE on the entire security team knowing this teensy bit of info.  Duh-oh.

I'd rather have this crack team protecting me.  (part of the how many times can I use Batman in posts saga)

I’d rather have this crack team protecting me. (part of the how many times can I use Batman in posts saga)

Christian warns Ana no more recklessness or he will “spank the living shit” out of her cause her Dad totally told him he could.  No words for this.  There’s more Ana begging for sex cause she can’t resist the power of psycho and then we hear how Christian was in the same foster home as Jack Hyde and that’s why Jack wanted to hurt Christian cause their paths were so similar and blah blah shitdoodle.  None of this back story was necessary.  Jack could have hated Christian for any number of reasons.  This is just so lame, even for James.

Mia the spaniel shows up, and it’s a party of Ana you are so brave and Christian you are so special vomitttttt.  And we find out Christian and Jack’s foster mom read him Are you my mother? and now James is ruining children’s literature stop it nowwwww.  Speaking of kid stories, though, Christian decides to get Ana to sleep by telling her a sweet bedtime story about how he started screwing Mrs. Robinson.  End chapter.

"Please say you aren't", Ana's baby pleads.

“Please say you aren’t,” Ana’s baby pleads.

These chapters bit (-500 Batpoints), but the worst is yet to come!  Next up, campers, is THE  END – or IS IT?  For your final Pop Quiz, write an essay about how much these recaps have changed your life.  You are free to state your opinion.  You’ll be graded for it, so you know, keep that in mind too.  Be sure to cite your sources and show your work and all that crap!

22 responses

  1. “Light at the end of Ana’s vagina…”

    1. Part of my comment got consume by Ana’s vagina or WordPress, I am not sure. But: Snort

      1. Ana’s vagina is a black hole that sucks everything inside.

        1. *spams both your comments with like buttons*

  2. Your imagination for the ridiculous stupefies me ..seeing the light at the end of Ana’s vagina … I dare say every Gynaecologists dream come true 😉

    1. Could you imagine what they could find up there? Shudder.

  3. Oh dear, I got 23 completely right but 24 was beyond me…and I didn’t even read the last couple of updates…maybe I’m as twisted as the woman behind the type writer. Hurrah the end of your mammoth task! so close! are you having a party to celebrate when you’re done? xx

    1. Wow . . . a celebration, yes, that sounds good. But HOW? Can you blow up buttplugs?

      Oh, not that I wouldn’t love you to read all my recaps, but you don’t actually miss much if you skip a chapter – or ten. There’s no continuity or sense to any of it.

      1. Hmmm I bet you could explode a butt plug with the right equipment don’t they have a hollow centre? We could make a cake and burn every copy of fifty shades we can find…there’s usually one in charity shops lol.

  4. Thank Christian for your recaps. I’d never be able to read the books so at least I have a vague idea of why I’m avoiding them. My sympathies are entirely with the Cocker Spaniel who appears to be the most attractive of all the characters abd she’s a bitch.

    1. Sad, isn’t it? I have to say I found it funny when he drugged her. Do it again, Jack! Why couldn’t he have hit Ana on the head a little harder though?

      1. And saved the world the misery.

  5. By this point even E.L. James had given up. Foster family connection? Why not. Ana has to pee to the point of bursting even though she has a catheter in her? Works for me. I would have felt no surprise if the Great Gazoo from the Flintstone suddenly appeared in Ana’s vagina.

    1. Yes. I remember when I first read it thinking – stupidly – that if she’d been unconscious that long they’d have put a catheter in – and then we find out they did, but she was too dainty to use it even when she was out cause ew.

      There is no telling what’s up in that vagina by now. Great Gazoo, missing vaginal balls, tampons he forgot to take out, various STDs, etc.

  6. Sorry Alice, I’m really sorry, the post is great, but honestly, “I can see the light at the end of Ana’s vagina. ” it’s just too good. You have no idea the amount of images that popped to my head, anywhere from Poltergeist and Carolyn going to the light to the Ghost Busters and the light traps.
    That line has marked a before and after in Word Press for me.

    1. I’m so glad I could make a difference in one small life.

      Alice 😀

  7. These recaps have affected my life in a profound way. Every time some one tells me they liked the books (I’ve met one for real!) I direct them here to get their heads screwed on straight. Every time someone asks for a cup of Twinings, I throw the hot tea in their face, I can’t help it. Every time I think of the phrase ’50 shades of…’ I weep for the world.
    You, mighty Alice of Wonderland, are our savior. You made reading the books worth it just to laugh at them with your recaps. You make me un-weep (surely this is a thing in wonderland?). I can’t believe it’s over (YAY! They’re over! So happy for you!).

    There’s another series with a proud label that says ‘If you liked 50 Shades you’ll like this’ on the front. I would ask you to recap those, but I like you too much to put you through that kind of torture.

    1. Well, not quite over . . . next week is the end OR IS IT? Thank you for the kind words. I think you’re the only one who actually wrote the essay so A+++! Bonus for throwing tea in faces and sympathy points for knowing someone who likes those books. And yeah, B&N is always recommending books based on my sad little purchase of 50 Shades for the Nook. “We just know you’ll like these charming books Hot Vampire Businessmen and the Morons Who Love Them and 500 Ways to Use a Buttplug.”

  8. I was a late discovering your insightful recaps of these atrocious books. I will miss them when they finish, so maybe I’ll start at the beginning in order to prevent any withdrawal syptoms. That said, in this short amount of time I have learnt the following:
    1) That I wasn’t wrong when, after reading half of chapter one of the first book on my friend’s kindle, I declared I would never read any more, even if hell froze over and I was catapulted onto a desert island with only these books for company. I don’t care if I am the only person on the planet *not* to have read them.
    2) I feel a little sorry that you have had to subject yourself to the horror of these books on our behalf. However, you have kept us entertained and prevented us from wasting our time on reading them ourselves. So every cloud and all that.
    3) I *love* Twinning tea. If, judging by your comment on the above chapters, reading these books would have turned that love to all out hate and resentment, then I am even more relieved/glad/butt-plug crazy that I didn’t. Please try not to hate the Twinnings tea, it’s not its fault that such a predigious brand of tea (they are the tea suppliers to the Queen, you know) became associated with such depravity. I think Twinnings should sue for potential loss of sales.
    The End.

    PS – it wasn’t an *accident* that I got the Ch.23 right, it was an educated guess. For once I was actually trying to got for accuracy rather than the ridiculous in the hopes that it might earn me some brownie points. Am disappointed that I didn’t get the bedtime story correct though. Given James shameful and misguided belief that ‘name dropping’ would give her books credibility, I would have thought that Enid Blyton would have made it in there somewhere. I suppose there is still time. . .

    PPS – Blimey, I really have written an essay :/

    1. I’m not really a tea drinker (ironic, I know). I just know she used that brand name SO many times I just wanted to beat my head into a wall. It was because Ana was so American, ya know, and so went to coffee shops for a spot o’ tea, jolly ho, blimey and all that. Tea suppliers to the queen? Well, okay, that makes sense considering Ana is, like, queen.

      I always write essay comments, which is why I am so bad at Twitter. Accuracy with E.L. James generally involves the ridiculous. One more chapter and literally anything could still happen – new random “plot” line like aliens landing, or Ana’s stomach exploding sending tea packets everywhere, Christian being a decent human – now, wait, that last one was impossible.

      1. Well, yes, you’re right, Ana is Queen, so that’s probably why James chose that brand. Maybe she will give birth to a baby made of tea leaves? I have a hunch that the last chapter will see the world’s shortest pregnancy . . .

  9. Oh dear goodness, it just gets worse.

    Your recaps have meant I will never ever want to read these books ever. Use them to start a fire, maybe, but read them? Not even if they were the last books ever on the planet. I have a better imagination than that!

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