The Final Chapter and . . . WTF????

Last chapter! Last chapter!  Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter.  I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages.  What the hell?  Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time.  Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was.  There is an Epilogue.  Okay.  Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages.  I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps.  The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.

This is the swirling vortex James has sucked us into.

This is the swirling vortex James has sucked us into.

Wait just a fucking second.  Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view.  In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there.  Thank God for whoever leaked that book.  But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.

Okay.  I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me.  Wrong choice of words.  Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus.  I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?

Moving on.  There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care.  Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father.  I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father.  The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her.  And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones.  Run, Mrs. Jones, run!

If Christian starts sparkling, all bets are off. I'm trashing this book.

If Christian starts sparkling, all bets are off. I’m trashing this book.

Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago.  Nevermind, not going back to look.  They go see the new house.  Blah blah.  They go have a picnic.  Blah.  Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde!  Who gives a shit?  Not me!  He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana.  Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by.  They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.

Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.

Last time, kitty, we swear.  RIP.

Last time, kitty, we swear. RIP.

She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again.  My head hits the desk.  End Chapter.  Begin Epilogue.  Crap in a hat.

OMG, James actually skips a few years.  Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list.  Bestseller.  Sigh.  Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild.  You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever.  But, um, she’s pregnant.  I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses.  Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?

Whaaaaat?

WTF???

It gets worse.  I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe.  After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”

Alice right about now.

Alice right about now.

Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap.  Blah blah.  And then . . . oh geez, why, why????  Okay.  Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them.  Just wait.  Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James?  Seriously.  There is something seriously wrong here.  Please say she doesn’t have children.

I will never be able to eat one of these again.

I will never be able to eat one of these again.

One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END.  Except NOT.  There are still pages with words on them.  First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old.  It’s as fascinating as it sounds.  Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view.  Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper.  I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE.  DONE, do you hear me?  DONE!  I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.

“That’s all.  For now.”  Good grief.  She even ends it with a threat.  But at least it ENDS.  I’m going to have a drink.  Or ten.  Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it.  You guys are the best, and all get As.  Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.

WOOOOOOOOOOOT!

WOOOOOOOOOOOT!

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37 responses

  1. Right time to explode the butt plugs (did you know there’s a band called exploding anus? I went to see if I could find you a good picture of an exploding butt plug and they popped up :S )
    Your task is over Alice, you have done us all a service that we never asked for but appreciate none the less!
    Enjoy your drinks, enjoy the fact there will be no more James brain malfunctions for you to torture yourself with!! xox

    1. Exploding anus? I can imagine how the band came up with that name – I’m betting it had to do with too many enchiladas. You are fortunate if that’s the worst you came up with doing that search! And thanks, thanks for reading my brain farts, I am most appreciative. 😀

      1. Or a really spicy curry lol. I was surprised how tame most of the results were to be honest! hehe brain farts 😆 I’ve enjoyed reading them (when I’ve managed to) and worried myself at how I’ve been able to guess the answers when I’ve not kept up to date!! xx

  2. Ooh, that’s right! It was Tripp or Tree or Trollop…some T-name guy who was the dude who let out Hyde and I was like “Is a magic eight ball writing this book?” except I was so “surprised,” and the sex stuff with the kids was just the icing on the shit cake. Don’t be surprised if you will require gallbladder surgery in a couple of months. I blame my bum gallbladder on E.L. James.

    1. I think you’re thinking of names Sarah Palin gave her kids there – I know there was definitely a Tripp and a Trollop. But the name of Mrs. Robinson’s ex was . . . it was . . . maybe it was Tripp or Tree. I’ve already forgotten.

      A magic eight ball – if only it had said “Try Again Later” to James repeatedly, we would both be much healthier. We should write one of those health self-help books.

  3. AHA, so it all ends as crappily as it started. At least on that front James is consistent.

    1. I have to give her that. She’s right back where she started, so it’s like the three books were entirely pointless! Genius!

  4. I really hope she doesn’t branch out to children’s books.

    1. I can totally see a line of “Little Christian” books. Little Christian’s first popsickle. Little Christian’s first buttplug. Little Christian’s first psychotic episode. Prime children’s material.

  5. You have definitely earned 10 drinks. I would never have made it as far as you. In fact, I never even started them.

    1. And don’t you feel better for it? I still can’t believe she said the fetus liked sex. I mean, I had read it before in a recap and I just can’t . . . New York Times bestseller . . . need . . . ice cream.

  6. “She likes sex already” NOOOOOOOOO! I need some of that brain bleach!
    Good work, Passion Pants. The end of the book is like a cruel game. But you did it!

    1. Thank you. I read that and just facepalmed and then did it again, and I even knew it was coming thanks to Speaker’s recaps. Honestly, you just don’t fully believe until you see the true horror up close. Just – what – why – how – her brain – why???? How do think up stuff like that? Ewwww.

  7. Isn’t the point of literature to tell the change of a character during the course of a blip on their life’s timeline? I mean, sure, the relationship to Christian could be one seriously huge blip I suppose, but you’re right – we are right back where we started, except that James decided to add in incestual pedophilia to the mix. WTF?!?! That’s three books of bad porn followed by the conclusion of, “…and the song remains the same.”

    I’m so glad I never bothered with the third book, or even the last part of the second book now that I come to think of it.

    Seriously, how in the hell did this woman get published? She hasn’t 1/5th of the talent of many others I have watched languishing. Hell, your thesis was way better than this garbage. Hmmm…you know, that thing is big an heavy enough you might be able to brain James with it to get revenge for poor kitty and all the brain bleaching.

    Come on now, couldn’t Christian have at least died, or even Ana? At least if Ana dies the story achieves the “virtue” of being a poorly written “cautionary tale”. But know…we need kinky popsicle oral sex. UGH!

    I’m going to go bury my head in Edwardian and Victorian British children and YA literature now and hope it wipes away the last of James. You’d be happy. From last Thursday through next Tuesday the subject is Carroll.

    1. My thesis is very big and heavy – it’s one of the biggest ones in the library. I bet it could do some good damage. If only. And each book really does get progressively worse – I did not think this possible, but it’s true. It’s like you start at rock bottom, go down 50 feet of crap, and then down into the earth’s shitty core.

      You get to study Carroll? That should be interesting. I think there’s a lot of wrong information out there about him.

      1. We get to study Carroll as a person/author, and then get to also spend time doing in-depth critical study of the Alice works. It’s actually a ton of fun.

  8. Yay! The end! I’m going to miss these posts though.

    1. I’m actually at a loss as to what to put at that slot. I had visions of a 50 Shades parody which probably means I have a serious problem.

  9. I still cannot believe you did that! I couldn’t have. I would have burned it, and then shown video of me laughing while it burned. And kept it on repeat!

    1. I would love to do that, except I bought it on the Nook in my shame. It’s actually still tempting. I hate book burning, but that’s not actually a book, so torching it would be awesome.

      1. lol hehe. Would be epic. We should do it!

  10. Mazal Tov, you made it. Amazing. I think you should sue James for pain and suffering. No, wait, that didn’t sound right.

    1. Yeah, she’d probably be like, what, you didn’t want that? It didn’t turn you on? I could just see James’ face making a hard line.

  11. As someone who’s experienced sexual abuse from a family member, that popsickle scene is seriously disturbing. I’m really, really, really glad my mother gave up after reading the first book. She has bought all 3 in paperback form, however, so maybe I could steal them from her and burn them for you and all of us who’ve supported you on this recapping saga?

    1. I’m so sorry you experienced that. I fortunately have not but . . . just . . . how does she even think sucking juice off toddler fingers is appropriate? Maybe if this were some normal book or something, but in the context of this book it’s so incredibly gross. I mean, she called Christian her “popsickle” and they licked ice cream off of . . . just . . . I can’t believe she’s that stupid that she couldn’t put the two together. It’s like she’s being “cute” about sex abuse. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

      I would totally steal the books and trash them if you think there’s a possibility that there could be triggers in them for her or anyone else who might read them. Ugh. And now James is going to teach us how to write bad, disturbing prose. I know, she could offer to teach a writing class to stupid sex offenders in prison.

      She annoys me so much, especially with the whole rape culture crap, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to let this go. I so want to write a parody or . . . something.

      1. Maybe we should just find EL James and tie her up and spank her and use the butt plug on her (without lube) and treat her like Christipoo treats Ana, and see how she likes it?

        We’ve more than enough negativity in the world without people like her adding to it. Twilight Saga was bad enough, although I will still read Twilight, but I’m not touching these with a barge pole (unless it’s burning).

  12. Congrats for making it all the way through Alice! You are a braver soul than I 🙂 I’m going to miss them too. Yeah, that whole “the fetus likes sex” and the liking popsicle off the kids fingers – DISTURBING! UGH! WHY WHY WHY WAS THIS A BEST SELLER???

    Okay, rant over. Can’t wait to see what you write about in the future.

    Your loyal blog friend,
    M

    1. My loyal blog friend! So good to see ya again. I totally feel the same way. One of the worst parts? We meet Ros who doesn’t fall over herself for Christian and I’m like oh hey finally a strong woman and then they say she’s a lesbian. Head / desk. Cause the only woman who wouldn’t have multiple orgams upon seeing him would have to be a lesbian. And Ana’s all isn’t that quaint, lesbians, and I just bang my head on the desk.

      1. Hahahahaha! I know, right? Except you would think that in EL’s world, even the lesbians would be fawning over Christian. At least she got that part right! I have no idea how any woman, straight or not, could love this lead character. They have to have their heads up their asses.

        Hope your head is okay from banging it on the desk so much!

  13. Hello Alice, I have just found you last week or so, and have been really enjoying your recaps, I’m almost done, someone mentioned the laters baby site for fans of the um, book? can we really call it a book? Anyway, the authors do a recap of the whole Tess of the d’Urbervilles novel. They have never heard of Thomas Hardy, but now they must read this book because of 50 Shades! I have a feeling they never read a book in their lives. I started to read the recaps and got to chapter 4 and I wanted to vomit, or bang my head into the wall or something.
    Perhaps you should check it out, however it might be as painful as reading this dreadful series.

  14. Perhaps I should have included a link 🙂
    http://latersbaby.net/?page_id=1573#sthash.UusAkdnx.dpbs
    Oh and they found the book a little difficult.

  15. I’m so glad this is over with.

  16. Omg, she has them both suck on the child’s fingers?! I couldn’t handle it. I just couldn’t!

    1. There is something seriously wrong with that lady.

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