A Baby Story: Part One

Before I begin, I want to give out a PSA to all you soon to be first time parents out there.  You’ve just had the stick turn blue (or pink or say pregnant for the colorblind and/or exceptionally stupid) and you’ve got plans for just how the pregnancy is going to go.  You will have a blissful nine months of looking like that serene lady in the rocking chair on the cover of What To Expect When You’re Expecting.  Then when it comes time for baby to make his debut (by now you will know the sex and have its name printed out on the nursery wall and shower invites and everything else you can think of) you will not go to a sterile hospital with modern medical equipment.  No, no, you will lie in a field of wildflowers and pleasantly give birth with Yoga breaths as a deer nestles your nose.

It's not like this. Sorry.

It’s not like this. Sorry.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but whatever your plans are, drop them immediately.  More than likely, they aren’t going to happen.  As soon as you are “with child” you are “without plans”.  Nothing will go the way you think because now there is someone else on board.  The baby will do whatever the hell it wants no matter what you want because babies are devious little creatures.

Mine certainly were.  Thing One made me sick as a dog.  Where did that expression come from?  Are dogs prone to serious illness?  Anyway, I was sick for a solid four months.  This did not help with my depression, surprisingly.  I lost ten pounds.  People were jealous that I was not showing yet.  I was jealous that they weren’t puking their guts up.  Still, I taught English classes to bored freshmen – or rather handed them notes and laid my head on the desk.  Also I continued to attend my own graduate courses, although with even less enthusiasm than before, which was rather impressive.

Like this pumpkin, basically.

Like this pumpkin, basically.

Once I got past the so-called “morning sickness”, I was much better.  I got an excuse to buy new clothes, even if they were maternity clothes.  My fellow teaching assistant informed me that I could not have a baby because I was too cynical and I hated children.  Pfft.  I was fine.  Well, until I started getting dizzy spells and eating ice like mad.  Turned out I was anemic – the first true carnivore ever to be diagnosed with this.  I got to take iron horse pills and that cleared up.  My husband and I went to Lamaze classes where I was to learn how to breathe a certain way that would keep me from having pain while shoving a big old baby out of a rather small opening.  All of us women looked at the picture of the cervix dialating to ten centimeters and decided we wanted off the ride.

People will tell you pregnancy is a magical experience.  Do not believe these people.  Pregnancy is freaking weird.  You’re basically harboring a parasite.  Once it gets a little bigger you will start to feel its movements and it’s all cute at first oooh a little tap.  Then the kid really gets into it, and you can see your skin contort back and forth and suddenly you are in Aliens.  Your boobs and stomach expand to places you never thought they would go.  You will probably put lotion on thinking you will prevent stretch marks.  You are stupid.  You may also go into changing rooms with three way mirrors.  You will feel and look like Elsie the cow.

Moo . . . this is you.

Moo . . . this is you.

I had a birth plan.  Drugs.  I’m not a big fan of pain, and somehow, I just kind of figured childbirth would involve some of that.  And while I realize this is controversial, I can’t see the baby minding them much either.  Childbirth has to freak them the hell out.  They need some mellow.  I continued taking the classes where they taught us how to recognize labor pains.  Then one night, almost a month before I was due, I went to the restroom at about 2 AM.  And I was peeing, but not.  WTF.  I informed my husband that I was leaking.  We’d just fixed the toilet, so he was like, “Meh, it’s okay.”  I made him get up.  We both tried to figure out what to do as liquid continued to spill out of me.  Duh.  “Do we like, call a doctor or something?”, we dumbed.

We did and he told us to go to the hospital.  I sat on a towel in the car.  Poor towel.  When we got there, they had me lay on a cart and wheeled me to my room that way, which was kind of scary, like I was in an episode of E.R. only no George Clooney.  After a while, my doctor decided to wake up and head over.  He said we were having a baby.  I was not ready for this.  I had one more Lamaze class to learn how to breathe and all that shit.  We’d just put a car seat in the car the night before.  We were totally unprepared, cause you know, crap, we still had a month, right?  We called my parents who also thought this timing sucked.  But Thing One thought the timing was a-okay.  Like I said – babies do whatever the hell they want.

See the stunning conclusion (like, do you think I’ll have a baby or an emu or what?) tomorrow . . .

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53 responses

  1. “The baby will do whatever the hell it wants no matter what you want”. Yes… Yes they will. Even at 3 years old….

    1. Definitely at 3 years old – and beyond.

  2. Exactly. My little gallbladder-tonsil destroyer decided to come a month early too. I tried to explain to the doctors that I wasn’t ready and for some reason my feelings didn’t matter. Better yet, I had only read up on the regular birth route so I was even more thrilled to find out about the emergency c-section. I remember yelling at my husband “Get the book! Get the book! Read to me about c-sections!” So magical.

    1. Oh, yes, back when I thought I could get everything I needed to know about everything from books! Hahahaha . . . sob.

  3. You’re scaring me…. x_x

    1. Thing One heard so many birth stories (from listening in on conversations between my friends and me) that she informed me she is adopting. If she has kids. She doesn’t even like baby dolls. “Who wants to play at being a parent?” she asked. “That’s hard work.” Haha.

      1. Lol!!!! Smart girl, that! XD

  4. Was it an Emu?
    That was probably what my mom asked when I was born, I weigh as little as 11.7 lbs.
    No natural of course, I marked for life.
    “You will feel and look like Elsie the cow.”
    You craved ice? That’s interesting, better than craving dirt anyway.
    Loved the post Alice.

    1. 11.7?!! Wow! I was 3 lbs., as light as the normal adult’s brain weight. Eek.

      1. I was a monster!
        Now I’m 6’1 and weigh 150lbs
        You would have thought I was going to grow up to be a giant.

        1. Well, I’m short, not even reaching five-feet. We’re a short race, even so, I’m considered still short by fellow Filipinos’ standards. If I were there. I’d probably be mistaken as a midget. I was born premature based on weight. My mother would throw up food when she was “heavy” with me so much of the nutrients, I didn’t get. My sister was the big one when she was born. Even her daughter was, too. So I dunno how big my baby’s going to be, if I’m ever going to have any.

          1. When I was born my mom had to stay in the hospital, I was sent home with my dad. She was taking antibiotics and couldn’t breastfeed me the first 2 months.
            I almost killed the poor woman!
            My brother however, was tiny, under 5lbs, I think I took all there’s was to take lol

          2. LOL!!! Think I’ll let my big sister know that…My mother had a hard time giving birth to us. My older sister was large and my mother suffered from eclamsia (not sure about spelling) for a few minutes. My brother followed, but my mom tripped when she was heavy with him, he died and she almost got poisoned because it took hours before she was given proper attention at the hospital. And then there was me. That probably explains why my parents stopped having kids after me.

    2. How crap, 11.5? Your poor mother. Emu would be close. Their eggs are freaking huge.

  5. My wife was in labor for 32 hours with #1, less with #2, but she screamed much louder. Will you be revisiting that part of the “magical experience” too?

    1. I remember a comedian who said “I wouldn’t want to do anything that felt good for 36 hours.” Fortunately my labors were not that long. Wait till I tell about Thing Two’s delivery – there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in that one due to not getting my drugs. And I got fixed right after her birth – no mores for me, thanks! Baby shop closed.

  6. I didn’t have cravings with my first child but my second child I craved ice! Was very bizarre to have this urge to constantly be chewing on ice because that’s totally normal right?!

    1. Yeah, for some reason you crave it when you’re anemic. Weird. With the second one I craved cherry Icees. Much better.

  7. I hated being pregnant – and not just because baby-daddy was a complete jerkwad. The whole experience was rotten, and I couldn’t wait to give birth just to not be with parasite anymore.

    1. Me too! I was miserable – more so with the second. At least with the first it pretty much cleared up after the 4th month. The second was, well, a good reason for birth control. Both times I gave birth it was like a cloud was lifted and I was no longer possessed. When I see women who say “Oooh, that was the best time ever. I was so at peace.” I want to throttle them.

      1. I get that blank stare of WTF across my face when someone tells me how much they loved being pregnant. I just had such the opposite experience. I’m so glad I’m not the only one.

  8. Oh, goodness. Now I’m never gonna want a baby!…LOL!!! I do know the consequences, it’s just the unexpected that’s scaring the heck outta me,,,yipes… ;p

    1. New book: “What to do when you don’t know what the hell to expect.”

      1. That’ll be a bestseller! ;p

  9. I’m scared. Not that I was ever keen on having babies anyway. I mean, there has to be a reason my mother only ever had one.

    1. She got the most difficult one first? 😀 I don’t think I’d have had two if my second was first. Holy cow, as Ana would say.

    2. Obviously your mother only had one because she got it right the first time. I only wonder why my mother had two more after me…

  10. And THIS is why I’m never having children. I’ll be taking birth control long after I’ve menopaused.

    1. If anybody had told me this stuff beforehand, I’m not sure if I wouldn’t be doing the exact same thing.

    1. You just never know. Another comedian talked about surrogate mothers and said “Crap, after all of that pregnancy and labor shit, I don’t care if it’s a boot, I’m keeping the thing.” 😀

      1. Hee hee
        My friend went to the baby birthing class and was very annoyed about the attitude about people who believe that EVERYONE should have a natural childbirth – and she said “If I was getting my appendix out, I don’t feel I need to experience the pain of that – same for giving birth”. She loved the horrified look from some of the parents and doula 🙂

        1. My thoughts, exactly. Yet some women get really mad if they don’t get a natural childbirth. Look, they got the kid out of your body, the kid you grew. That sounds natural enough to me. I can’t see how it harms the baby. My kids are just . . . hmm.

          1. Hee hee… we need to be open to whatever the situation calls for – else we create more stress and harm for ourselves and our babies.

  11. I’m with you–I’m not one of those women who found pregnancy beautiful and wondrous. Although I couldn’t wait to have my baby, I could have done without the 9 months proceeding up to it. But how soon we forget, only to do it all over again. And look at Halle Berry. 46 years old and going for another spin. That’s about 65 years old at high school graduation. May the force be with her.

    1. Holy crap, I was 28 with my last one and it was ten times harder than the first . . . I couldn’t imagine it in my 40s. Good thing she has a household staff and whatnot.

      1. Yes, I’m sure she’ll have plenty of help and lots of money for potions to keep her so lovely.

  12. Thank you for reminding me I’m not ready to have a growing parasite in my body. Geesh.

    1. Oh, man, have you seen that woman on TLC with the 19 kids? 19??? Girl needs a hobby.

      1. My smallest class has 22 eighth graders in it. I would cause bodily harm to myself and possibly others if I had 19 of those creatures. Holy Moly!!!!!! And, after the day I’ve had, it’s a good thing I do NOT have children. Seriously, they drive me bat shit crazy. Today, times a gabillion. Hugs, friend!!!!

  13. I tried to do whatever I could for Mrs. Revis while she was pregnant, but it never seemed like enough. Now that Baby E is here, all I try to do now is stay up with her so Mrs. Revis can sleep a little. Once again, it doesn’t seem like enough.

    1. Trust me, it’s something. For a while, you’re just going to be pissed at each other and think the other one is totally not doing enough because SLEEEEEEEP where the hell did you go omg!!! It settles down after a while, and it’s like you are coming up for air after drowning forever and you look at each other and it’s like “Oh yeah, you’re still here. Who are you again?”

      1. Haha! It will be nice to meet my husband again.

  14. LOL get my book! I wait for the conclusion! I loved being pregnant, I didn’t love the salt baths quite so much 😉 I was 28 when I had my last…gawd now she is 26… where have those years gone (oh and you do the maths )

    1. I turned 28 right after Thing Two was born. She’ll be nine in a couple of months and the eldest will be 13. WTF when did that happen?

      I still like you even if you did have a nice pregnancy. 😀

      1. spits drink out at last line – I llke you too even the way you call them Thing 1 and 2 😉

  15. […] Part One of A Baby Story, see here.  Now for the conclusion – I […]

  16. I opted for natural births with my three kids. I survived, but I totally understand the charms of epidurals. There was a time with each one that I said “Mmm-kay, the hospital is just up the street. Drive me over there for a little shot.”

    What makes me giggle is the natural childbirth movement that suggests that childbirth not only isn’t painful but can actually feel good. Google “orgasmic childbirth” sometime.

  17. You know, George Clooney didn’t show up to my labour either. That guy has some things to answer for.

  18. You know, I’ve never really had any desire to have kids or be pregnant. And reading this has confirmed that I’ve made the right choice for me!

  19. ooh the puking and the smells– gawd how they made us sick

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