Yoga WTF?

I’ve researched a lot of different workout programs.  That’s what I do.  Obsessively research.  Everything.  It’s a handy disorder for library work, but not much else.  Last time I let you know that I’d narrowed it down to Yoga.  Then I figured something out.  There are eleventy-billion versions of Yoga.

The first time I experienced something like this was when I started learning about penguins.  Thing Two has been crazy about those wacky birds since she was two years old.  There are like 17 different species of penguin.  Of penguin.  I mean, seriously?  Yes.  They range in size from about a foot to four feet (the well known emperor penguin).  I bet you didn’t think you’d get penguin facts in a yoga post.  That’s just the kind of extra oomph I offer you in my blog.

These Emperors are pretty bad-ass, penguin wise.

These Emperors are pretty bad-ass, penguin wise.

Anyway, so I’ve checked out lots of yoga books and videos.  And I’ve bought some too.  Also yoga accessories.  You can buy lots of yoga crap as it turns out.  I’m all into that.  If you’re going to go into something, go all the way I say.    That’s why I paid money for a cushy yoga mat and two foam blocks.  For my HEALTH people.  There are tons of other products I can waste my money on invest in if I choose.  More on that in a later post.

First I have to tell you about the different kinds of Yoga.  According to the women’s health site there’s Anusura, Ashtanga, Bikram, Hatha, Lyengar, Kundalini, Restorative, Power, Furby, Tatooine, Hokey Pokey, and more!  I might have made the last three types up.  Bikram is yoga that you do in a room turned up to 150 degrees.  That way your body becomes like Plastic Man’s and you can do all sorts of poses.  Also you can see all sorts of colors as you dehydrate out all your brain cells.

I’m thinking that’s not my type.  I don’t like sweating.  Power Yoga was also quickly eliminated.  Power Yoga is basically the Western way of screwing up an Eastern tradition.  Someone said, hey, let’s take the worst parts of Yoga, stretching people’s bodies to the limit, rip out all the relaxing, spiritual parts, add in a lot of aerobic crap and market it to Type A Americans.  That’s why Jillian Michaels has a Yoga video.  Jillian.  She is not what I associate with inner peace.  More like extreme horror.

Get thee behind me!!!

Get thee behind me!!!

Hatha seems to be the most common type, at least in my area.  It’s fairly basic.  There’s stretching and meditation, but no chanting and chakra stuff.  That works for me.  I also like Restorative yoga, which is great for stress relief.  You lay on pillows and breathe.  I’m all for laying on pillows and breathing.  In fact, I rather consider myself an expert at that.  I might open a studio soon.

I did learn about one other type of Yoga in detail.  I got a book from the library on Kandalini Yoga.  It was a nice, pleasant book with soft, relaxing colors.  Sure she mentioned lining up your chakras and chanting om and stuff, but eh, no matter.  It looked okay.  So when I saw a video of this type of Yoga at the library, I thought why not?

Oh, my peeps, there were so, so, so, SO MANY reasons why not.

First off, I should have taken a clue from just looking at the cover of the video.  It was called “Fat Free Yoga” which is a rather odd title.  Are they saying no fat people should do this?  Or that they have somehow removed the fat out of the yoga routine?  Is this a diet Yoga video?

The girl on the cover looked like a recent graduate of a hippie concentration camp.   As you can see in the picture, she sits in front of a purple swirling rainbow vortex of some sort.  The cover mentions something about a Matrix menu.  Trust me, the Matrix is not just in the video menu.

Far out, eh?

Far out, eh?

I took it home and popped it in the machine.  The Things decided to help me review this video.  Pretty soon they are going to run from the room as soon as I turn on the television.  In the beginning, we zoom into a white room with a woman sitting on a shaggy, round pink bath rug type thing centered in the middle of flower petals.  Normally you hear gentle, non-distracting music in the background, but here we’ve got some Indian tune.  I actually like Indian music, usually, but somehow this theme makes me think of those old 60s videos with people smoking pot and yammering about the universe.

She says nothing in the video, but there is a disembodied voice that speaks to you, and it’s not at all creepy.  It’s also, interestingly, a male voice, which gives you the vibe of some guy peeking in her window and reporting his observations.  A guy who first smoked a little crack.

Our bony little Yogi is wearing dog eared ponytails that I normally don’t see on people over twelve, and a little spandex outfit that’s way too small for her.  Maybe she borrowed the outfit and the ponytail holders from her little sister.  She also made the mistake of tanning herself a Cheeto orange and not investing in a bra.  Let’s just say it was clearly a little cool in the room.

She starts out cross legged, looking somewhat normal.  This is the last time she does this.  Soon she opens her mouth and starts chanting oma lama ding dong or something to that effect, punctuated by Lamaze style huffing and puffing.  I half expected her to give birth to a pea sized baby.  At one point, she began panting like a dog.  The Things crowded in closer.  “I’m scared, Mommy,” reported Thing Two.



But this was only the beginning.  After the breathing, chanting stuff, she starts to shake her head back and forth.  And not gently either, we’re talking whiplash inducing whipping of the head, back and forth, until you half expect the head to go flying off her neck.  Soon you start hoping this happens.  After the head shaking, she goes back to the huffy breathing and chanting.  Then just when she’s calmed down, she hops up and starts swinging around some more.  I sat, fascinated.  I’d never seen anything so incredibly bizarre before.

It’s really indescribable, which is why I encourage you to check it out.  I included a clip here from youtube, but it doesn’t even scratch the surface of the insanity.  Suffice it to say, if that’s Kandalini Yoga, I think I’m sticking to the basics.  More on my adventures in Yogaland later.  Now I leave you with the spookiest Yoga chick on the planet.   Enjoy.

58 responses

  1. Slightly creepy! She look’s like she’s trying not too laugh for half of it. weird…

    1. It’s the most ridiculous routine I’ve ever seen, so maybe she was laughing – an evil laugh. Like, how many people can I con into doing this crap?

      1. To be honest I think I would of had a secret giggle if I did something that ridiculous and other people thought it was worth copying! 😉

        1. Yes, cause at least you’d be getting paid for it, right? 😀 I wonder if designers think that when they design dresses for models on the runway. “Hey, Lance, let’s see if we can get her to wear this garbage bag in public.”

          1. Or Artist’s that put a urinal in the middle of an art gallery. ‘Hey, let’s see if I can fool people to part with their money to just look at a loo!’

          2. Yes! It’d be awesome if someone actually tried to pee in it. Once at a garage sale they were selling a child’s potty chair and my three-year-old used it like a public toilet. I was like, um, we did the test drive and we’re ready to buy, thanks.

  2. Sounds awful. I think I would like to do the Furby style of yoga.

    1. I think this is the kind of yoga E.L. James did before writing her books.

  3. Very interesting post! There are a TON of yoga types out there – although they might seem off-putting at first, I just want to encourage you to keep an open mind. You may not like it or get it at first (and the video is a good example of how bizarre kundilini can be at first glance) but any yoga will change your life if you let it in!

    I want to do furby yoga too! I imagine that means we get to purr and rock back and forth on our claw-feet. 🙂

    1. Oh, I do like yoga – well, you know, the yoga where you stretch and silently meditate and relax. I can’t imagine relaxing to this.

      I’m not sure that this was really Kandalini Yoga. I think it may have been Furby yoga.

      1. The concept of actual Furby yoga scares me more than this lady. In my experience with Furbys they are most definitely demonic. If I came across a Furby today, I would probably scream… but I definitely want to try “normal” yoga. Where you’re supposed to relax. Where did that kind of yoga go??

        1. I envision the next Chucky movie. He is joined by his buddies Furby and Teddy Ruxpin.

  4. What the heck is she doing? THAT’s yoga? Why is her tongue out? Is she pretending to be a dog or Ana Steele?!

    1. Yes.

      What’s really weird is that there are hundreds of five star reviews on Amazon from people saying “She cured my Cancer” and “The wart was GONE.” etc. I think someone stacked the deck there, Amazon.

  5. OMG. I would need some lie-down-on-pillows-yoga (preferably in a darkened room) after the Kundalini yoga. Anyone who does yoga on a bathmat in the middle of a flower painting is suspect, anyway.

    1. I agree. The pink shag bathmat really got to me. I expected her to pull out a hookah at some point.

  6. First of all, hilarious stuff. I am so ignorant in yoga that it not even really a joke. If you are telling me there really is a yoga type called Tatooine or Furby I will believe you 100%. One time I was waiting for my wife as she got a facial at a nice (sort of on the hippie side) spa. While I sat in the waiting area I saw several skinny people file in with yoga mats. Moments later I hear “OOOOHHHHHHMMMMMMM” in a loudish flat unified tone. I thought that was a joke in movies and I found myself resisting extreme laughter.
    As for the super research stuff, my wife does the same thing. I used to but now that my job involves a great deal of mindless IT Security research I spend my non-work time doing other things. It works out well most of the time since we rarely get ripped off. The only down side is that she also researches topics I have zero interest in. The result is that I come home and she needs to tell me all about it. I love my wife so i sit there as she vomits statistics and reviews all over the place and I ry my best to pay attention and look interested about fabric and print designers. It is all good though since I can do the same on occasion, only replace fabric with comic books.

    1. Haha! I know I drive my husband nuts with my research and inability to make decisions because I’m going to find the best and cheapest by golly! Comic books should be researched. I’ve seen some of your posts on that, and being a total girl geek, I have got to go check them out. 😀

  7. I’m with Speaker7, furby yoga sounds excellent.

    1. I picture a Furby at the front of the room and a bunch of people yammering at it, trying to “teach it” Yoga. Heck, if you looked it up, you might find a bunch of people sitting off in some retreat chanting with Furbies. There’s probably a movement out there.

  8. I’m pretty sure she’s having a psychotic break…
    Whenever she was standing up and moving her arms in a circle like thing….(0:36) I’m pretty sure she messes up…. Twice.

    1. This would not surprise me. The directors were probably too stoned to care.

  9. That woman seems to be possessed. Like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. Freaky…. Are you the gatekeeper?

    1. Yes! I am. Are you the keymaster?

  10. Lol, I’ve done Hatha yoga since 8th grade. I just ignore everything else, they’re wayyy too complicated. 😛 Good post and a suitably WTF video. You should probably watch one of those Neena Veena belly dancing videos on youtube. Creepy….

    1. When they talk at the same time it’s like whoooaaa. And their bellies move in synch like Jello. It’s hypnotizing.

  11. Um…yikes. I will stick with Bikram – just 105-112 degrees – very little hallucinations (too bad) ….drink lots o’water…drenching sweat w/o running… that’s amazing! 1,000-1,500 calorie burn? Oh you bettcha…

    1. You are a better woman than me. The thought of that heat alone wilts my energy. 😉

      1. It’s not like sitting in a car – that kind of heat I HATE (my friends think it’s HILARIOUS that I love Bikram b/c I hate hot weather)…but I have also loved sitting in wet steam rooms – it opens my sinus up and makes me feel like I’m loose and detoxifying without having to kill myself doing high impact exercise (and Bikram elevates one’s heart and uses core like crazy).

        I am a better woman than no one 🙂 You save babies – you win.

        1. This year, the only babies I’m saving are my characters. 😉

    2. Aren’t ya just losing water weight, though? Heat makes my brain melt.

      1. Ha ha – I think so – I’m afraid to check b/c I’m the person that can defy it.

  12. It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that my favorite is power yoga–I am Type A, after all (and I love Jillian’s yoga DVD; it’s one of my favorites; really, it’s not so bad 🙂 ). But I don’t do that kind all the time. Sometimes I just want a yoga workout for stretching and flexibility, so I vary the two. Beyond that, I don’t know what any of them are called. I just know I won’t ever be doing yoga in hot temperatures. For my own temperament, I can’t think of anything less zen…

    1. Get awayyy from Jillian, get awayyy, don’t look in her eyes, Carrie! Haha. I can be Type A on some things – I was that way about grades for sure. Because that meant so much. The older I get the more I become Type Who Gives a Poop.

      The hot thing – all the sweaty bodies – eww. I get sweaty enough just doing regular yoga – it’s unreal how hard you work just stretching your body and holding it – esp with the vinyasa flow stuff. How many times do we have to salute the sun? 😀

  13. I had to go and look for more information on this psycho dvd….surprise surprise there are a whole load of people who’ve been suckered in by these nutters and though I couldn’t find more videos of the actual dvd I found another review these guys couldn’t get enough of it! Mind you they seem rather strange themselves :S
    I used to love Yoga and need to find a class near me that can accommodate my issues….hot rooms will not be for me!

    1. I know, I saw that too. I kept thinking – surely most people would look at this and go WTF but according to Amazon there are a lot of people who are really cuckoo for it. Amazon has been known to have fake reviews . . . on the other hand, there were thousands of positive reviews for 50 Shades of Grey too.

      Wait, I might be onto something there. Could they be the same people?

  14. I don’t think that’s yoga. I think she’s constipated.

    1. Hahahahahaaaa, thank you Melanie. I hope she, um, works it out soon.

  15. My wife has tried to get me to do yoga. Maybe she should have shown me this video.

    1. Oy. I have a book that has lots of men doing Yoga in it. I must be sexist because I think – why would a guy do that? I’m not sure why – is it that much less weird on a woman? Huh.

      1. It just seems a bit unnatural when a guy gets all bendy.

        1. Glad I’m not the only one. Though some of the poses look unnatural on ANYONE.

    1. OMG I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. EVERYBODY READ THIS!!!

      1. 🙂 Right? When I’m having a bad day I read that and it makes me laugh until I can’t breathe!

  16. I always look for penguin facts in yoga posts. I am always disappointed when there are none, but not this time. No, not this time.

    1. You see, we really don’t need media. No one reports the news we need like we do.

      1. Lol. It’s true. I think every news story should have penguins. And maybe some yoga.

  17. This was hysterical and that yoga lady looks a bit cray-cray. I too am looking for the perfect yoga workout that I like and will stick with. Did that hot sweaty one for awhile and it did nothing but make me hot and irritable which kind of takes away from the whole yoga concept. But thank you – now I know which one to avoid!

    1. I think that gal was the textbook definition of cray-cray. I’ve tried Hatha and Restorative so far. Hatha and “Power Yoga” seems the most common around here. I haven’t heard of a hot yoga in my area, but I don’t want to go even if there is one. Speaking of that, you should read the link modeejae posted up above. It’s this guy’s experience with hot yoga and is absolutely hysterical.

  18. Alright, I just watched that video and I’m still sitting here with my head tilted trying to figure WTF that was??? I’ll stick with reading my future-former husbands hot yoga experience 😀

  19. […] Alice At Wonderland (Duh, her name is Alice) […]

  20. I think I’ll skip the video; your description is good enough for me to be scared. And Jillian has done a yoga video? I dread to think… I can see her now, shouting “Relax, come on you pussies, you’re just not trying hard enough!!”

    1. Hahahaha! Read your comment to my husband, who laughed. Then I said “She’s gonna be a Sister!” You will be the coolest one ever, I swear. 😀

      1. Glad I can make the whole of the Alice Clan laugh! And thank you. 😀

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