This Post For Rent

For some time now, Monday has been my day to write reviews of the Books That Shall Not Be Named.  While that series was excruciating, I never really had to think.  I just read stupid crap and vomited on the page pretty much.  But now I’m supposed to think of stuff.  Or stuph, if you read twindaddy, and you should because that guy can think up posts like crazy.  Also he’s a storm trooper, and they’re cool.

I’ve got Wednesday covered.  Hump day is all about – get your mind out of the gutter – it’s all about exercise.  Of various forms.  Snort.  Yoga is my current obsession and you’ll see more of that when we get to the hump.  Day.  The hump day.  Crap.

I’ve had thoughts. Since Speaker 7 has the dating shows covered (read her reviews of the Bachelor, Bachelor Pad, Splash, Pad of Bachelors Splash, Stupid Barbies in Tiny Boxes, etc.) I thought I’d try to conquer reviewing shows on TLC.  This station is chock full of total crap that just begs to be made fun of, or beaten with a bat.  One of my favorite shows lately is My Strange Addiction.  If you haven’t seen this show before, you really must check it out.  There are people with some fabulous new diets out there.  They eat toilet paper, deodorant, dryer sheets, tire pieces, cat hair (I’m not kidding about any of these) and much, much more!

Hmm, does this deodorant have antioxidants?

Hmm, does this deodorant have antioxidants?

But TLC was not satisfied with merely showing strange addictions.  They decided make a totally new and original show called My Secret Obsession, which is about people collecting stupid things like Barbies and pigs.  I haven’t seen them eat the stuff yet, but it’s still early in the show.  Besides these interesting habits, they talk about women who produce babies like gumball machines, women who didn’t realize they contained gumballs, women popping one or more gumballs out in detail, and women who spend more time shopping for wedding dresses than most people spend on house shopping.  Truly, this is the Learning Channel.

TLC isn’t the only station I’m fascinated with, for there is also Lifetime.  They bill Lifetime as the network for women, probably because most of the shows are about women killing men, or men beating the crap out of women, and you know we gals just eat that kind of shit up!  Often these shows are based on true stories of stupidity, crime, abuse, and general insanity.  True = Educational.

I feel so empowered.

I feel so empowered.

And I’m sure there are more terrible books out there.  Sure I could read actual good books, and I do from time to time, but where’s the fun in that?  I’m waiting for the next E.L. James now.  While I wait, I could come up with a parody.  I’ve had one simmering in my mind a while.  No real details yet, but I do have the main characters.  Richard (Dick) Peen and Bambi Vagina.  I’m thinking of setting it in China, since I know almost nothing about this country.  What do you think?

Yes, I know I’m crazy, but that’s what I’ve got so far.  So . . . what do you think?  Let me know in the comments or shoot me an email (my addy is on my All About Alice Page).  I’m off to have a deodorant snack.

25 responses

    1. I’ve heard that one mentioned before – I really have to check it out. Sounds great. Thanks.

  1. I think a parody of that horrible crime against literature is just what the doctor ordered. Do doctors really order anything? Well, I guess they do go out to eat from time to time. And they can order tests and stuph. I guess I just answered my own question. Ah, well…

  2. I cannot imagine people going on TV and admitting those things. They need a therapist, not a TV show! That being said, if you choose to write about it, I doubt I’ll be able to turn my eyes away. 😉

    1. The nice thing about TLC is that they are always responsible with their reality shows. Like the Amish kids they exposed to New York. Last I heard, one was already an alcoholic swinging on a stripper pole. Good job, TLC! I should turn away, but it’s like a train wreck and I have to watch. Also, it still beats my husband’s shows about people searching through junky garages and storage buildings, or fishing, or blowing stuff up (like fish), or pawning crap, or cleaning guns, or pimping out cars and fish tanks. History and Discovery have become Rednecks R Us.

      1. Guess I’ll stick to my scripted dramas. 😉

  3. I would read your parody cover to cover!

    1. You are like one of my bestest friends that is not imaginary! Thanks. 😀

  4. I always watch Lifetime to have a good laugh. I like to watch a stupid movie with my sister and drink wine, laugh, and say this is the most pathetic movie ever. But I haven’t done that in awhile. Now I miss my sister, Alice. Whatever you think up, it shall be grand.

    1. Thanks, Bumble, good to see ya. Yes, I love Lifetime movies for the same reason. I used to stay up half the night watching them while I was expecting Thing One. I’d come to bed with this look on my face and my dh would say “Stop watching those movies.” But I had to see the end, just to make sure it was a complete train wreck.

  5. I detest unscripted television. IN fact, I dislike it almost as much as I dislike E.L. James. I wish that the production of unscripted television could go much like this clip. As far as Lifetime goes, Mark Harmon has been too busy lately to be involved with making anything for them, so I pretty much stay away from that too – though at least they go through the motions of trying to make quality television, at least once in a while.

    1. It is terrible, this reality show blight. The funny thing is that the reality shows are far more fake than the movies, and they follow scripts you can tell. They’re just really awful scripts. Movies have gotten terribly repetitive too. Where did the good writers go? Like back when Hepburn and Grant were big? They used to, like, write actual plots and develop characters. What happened?

  6. Have you reviewed any vomit-inducing children’s cartoons lately? There are plenty to choose from.

    1. I HAVEN’T. The Things pointed that out to me. I really should get back to that. There are so many awful ones to choose from. Like Cailou, and Little Bill, and this new one about dinosaurs riding a train that comes on when I’m at the doctor’s office. I still prefer it to watching Fox News on the adult side, but still.

      1. Oh yeah…my kids love Dinosaur Train, but only because they love dinosaurs, like every kid. The whole time travel train thing is kinda creepy though.

  7. Oooo, I would love to hear about those bizarre programmes. We seem to have a plethora of programmes about hoarders at the moment (maybe I should write a post about that . . . hmmm, anyway . . .) and I think that a satorial take on The Books That Shall Not Be Named would be amazing!

    1. Oh, we have a Hoarders show too. Once my hometown was featured on it. YAY we’re FAMOUS. Wait.

      Thanks for the support!

  8. OMG, you are so making me want to write a poem about pica (i.e., having the desire to eat awful crap). Where to begin? There is a tire I was saving for a planter/raised bed edge I could slice into pasta-like ribbons. YEEEECH.

  9. Oh, wait, wait. “beautifulorange” is doing posts on authors who look like their writing. That has potential.

  10. I think the parody writing. Or some anti-fan fic (I had the idea that as well as the one I did for the books we don’t name and the twilight one I emailed you, I could do Harry Potter and The Hobbit with these early endings for humorous effect – I don’t see why I shouldn’t have a stab at doing it with books I actually like).

    But hey, your blog, your choice. Whatever you go for, I’m with you for the ride. Metaphorically speaking!

    1. Oh, Potter and Hobbit are rife for funny, even though they’ve actually got intelligent writers. Never got into Lord of the Rings like some people (tl,dr) but I could see possibilities. Like, um, why didn’t Gandalf just drop the ring in the volcano himself or something? I probably missed a lot there. And Harry – I love how the school repeatedly endangers their students year after year but no one seems to care.

      I think there may still be some of your stuff I need to check out.

      1. I should write the Potter & Hobbit ideas I have, but basically they’re both along the similar lines of what I’ve done for the others – stopping the story before it starts, sort of thing!

        I’ve not got much posted online yet, but I’m working on it. The problem is I get so bored typing it all up to post…

  11. I vote for anti-fan fiction, because Dick and Bambi sound promising. And by outsourcing the story to China you can save on the blogging costs.

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