50 Shades of Seuss

List of X wrote a post about what books might be housed in the George W. Bush library, so in the comments, naturally, our conversation turned to Dr. Seuss and 50 Shades of Grey.  He then (this is his fault, remember) suggested that I try to put 50 Shades of Grey to one of Dr. Seuss’s (Can you believe he didn’t know Dr. Seuss before me?  The SHAME.) classic rhyming tales for children.  Of course I couldn’t pass that up.  So here it is, guyz, yup, here it is.

Buttplugs and Jam

(to Green Eggs and Ham)

I'm so sorry, Dr. Seuss.

I’m so sorry, Dr. Seuss.

That Christian

That Ana

They will do it

Anywhere

*

They will do it on a boat

They will do it with a goat

They will do it on a plane

They will do in the rain

*

They will do it with buttplugs

They will do it while on drugs

They will do it with ice cream

They will do it in your dreams

*

They will do it with a fox

They will do it in a box

They will do it using balls

They will do it on the wall

*

They will do it upside down

They will do it round and round

They will do it on a pony

They’ll do it with macaroni

*

Yes with whips

And with chips

On a cross

Or with Kate Moss

With fingers, with floggers, with candlestick knobbers

They will do it here and there

They will do it everywhere.

I’ll stop here.  But there are so many more you could do.  Here’s a quick list of some of Seuss’s titles.  See what you can do.  I’m sure you could do even more horrible things to these poor books!

I can only imagine.

I can only imagine.

Hop on Pop

(umm)

The Butter Battle Book

(hmm)

Hunches in Bunches

(oh boy)

Gerald McBoing Boing

(writes itself)

Horton Hears a Who

(oh God)

There’s a Wocket in my Pocket

(cringe)

I Can Lick Thirty Tigers Today and Other Stories

(For all that is holy . . .)

No, I wasn't kidding.

No, I wasn’t kidding.

For more ideas, see here.  If you want to play, leave your submissions in the comments or shoot me an email.  I’ll print the winner in the next post!  Saying WordPress still lets me have a blog after this!

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37 responses

  1. Did they do a goat? I don’t recall.

    1. Me neither . . . it wouldn’t surprise me. He probably had one in the playroom somewhere.

      1. Yes, behind the whips and leather stirrups.

  2. Fox in Sox would be….interesting.

    Or, “Mr. Brown Can Moo, But Only if He Has a Contract and Pre-Approved Safe-Word”.

    1. Haha, perfecto. Please put your fox back in your sox, sir.

  3. That’s mad!!! There must be loads and loads you could do! Hehe!

    1. Oh, the things you can do . . . to ruin children’s literature.

  4. I find this disturbing……ly funny! Bwahahahaha. I will not be attempting my own, though. I need for that crime against literature as far from my consciousness as possible.

    1. Darn. I think Hop on Stormtrooper sounded promising.

      1. That depends on who’s doing the hopping.

        1. Princess Leia in the steel bikini for the win.

  5. Good thing I didn’t read this when I was having lunch.
    This is too precious Alice.
    “Hop on Pop” I read incest over this!
    You should write a book with this, I’ll buy all the copies and distribute them in all the orphanages.

    1. It would be the least we could do – for the orphans. And the lepers, don’t forget the lepers.

      1. Alice, we have the leper subject pending.

  6. Everyone on in Whoville knows where to find a whohole
    They’ll find them in dark alleys
    They’ll find them in dirty book shops
    They’ll find them hiding in their favorite whobar
    Even the park down Who Lane
    Where you’ll find a whohole next is any Who’s guess!

    1. I like it. Everyone knows Christian was certainly a Whohole, that’s for sure.

  7. Too funny! Everyone loves Dr. Seuss. I did a parody similar to this with Green Eggs and Ham (but on being vegan). It continues to be one of my most viewed and shared blogs.
    http://changeforayear.com/2013/02/14/dr-suess-goes-vegan/

    1. I checked it out. I think yours is slightly more acceptable to the general populace than mine. Well, if they’re not carnivores anyway. Like me.

  8. Oh oh, you’re so hilarious! I have these books, many of them. I may play. Hard to pass this up!! You’re Green Eggs and Ham version is delightful.

    1. Thank you. Some people might say “don’t encourage her” but I say BAH to these people, I have friends! Friends who write dirty Dr. Seuss!

  9. I’m choking on my laughter here… the only thing keeping me from letting it out full force is that I just read Hop on Pop to the little prince a couple nights ago… If I let my mind truly wander over the possibilities right now I may never be able to read them to him again…

    1. How old is Little Prince? I do love Dr. Seuss, which is why I apologized to him for my little parody. I love how he shows real issues without being didactic and obvious about it. Like the Sneetches being a good example of the silliness of racism, etc.

      But it’s so much fun to rhyme buttplug, I couldn’t resist. Also, I’m hoping for another search term besides Dragon Tales. That is getting old. And a little creepy.

      1. I can see where buttplug searches would be a whole lots less creepy than dragon tales searches. Makes complete sense to me…

        The little prince is almost 6 weeks old. Still a little too young to appreciate story time, but we are just getting ourselves into the habit of doing it. Look at us go.

        1. Oh, do keep it up. It pays off, really.

  10. I love this! I tried to do write the opposite story once — “50 Shades of Green Eggs and Ham”, the Seuss story written in the style of 50 Shades — because there are some disturbing parallels between Sam-I-Am’s behavior and Christian Grey’s. I had to give up, though, because I kept grossing myself out.

    1. Would you like to be tied up? Would you like this in your butt? Try it Ana, and you may!

  11. That’s slander! I know Dr. Seuss. I mean, know OF Dr. Seuss…. I can only blame my English as a Second Language teacher who didn’t think to include Dr. Seuss’ books in the syllabus.

    1. Ohh, so English isn’t your first language. This makes more sense. I wasn’t sure how any kid could escape any American school without Seuss. What is your first language?

      1. It’s Russian, and I escaped the American schools except for a brief period when I worked there :).
        I expect I’ll have more exposure to Dr. Seuss when I have kids of my own.

  12. Alice, that is brilliant. I’m currently out of suggestions but I am looking forward to your next masterpiece!

    1. Thanks. I’m really a lousy poet at heart.

  13. Hahahahaaa! Oh Alice this is beyond hilarious!
    The 50 Shades potential in all those titles kind of scares me.

    1. Doesn’t it? I first got this idea from a top ten list from Letterman, I think. It was top pick-up lines from Dr. Seuss. One was “Is that a Wocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” and another “Wham, Bam, Sam I Am!”

  14. In the city where I used to live, they do the Mystery Plays every 4 or 5 years, and they’re currently on a count down to the opening of the next lot. Today is 50 days to go, so no prizes for guessing what was chosen to represent that number in the count down. *headdesk*

      1. Medieval plays re-telling parts of the Bible, notably the Creation story, Noah & his ark, and then fast-forward to the New Testament and a selection of highlights from the Gospels. They’re put on in York and Chester that I know of in the UK.

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